[135] – Heralding House Shows & Hangnails

Around five o’ clock last Friday afternoon, I was painting a few dresser drawers in an upstairs bedroom; ready to call it a day and drag my ass off the job. Then the cellular device vibrated and I checked it to find quite the pleasant surprise: my friend had gotten his hands on tickets for a WWE event at the XL Center in Hartford and offered me a freebee. Usually, I’d jump at the opportunity to attend any show produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (let alone a free ticket). However I was on the verge of starvation, desperately needed a shower and to stop at TD Bank for some ca$hola. After a little coaxing, Jims convinced me to tag along and I left the job in total disarray.

Turns out my buddies’ cousin had landed the tickets through a close friend who worked at the XL Center for sporting events and such. Therefore, you knew there must’ve been a catch. After being picked up by Jims and his cousin, we pulled into a random driveway and 13 Mexicans piled in the back. Alright so maybe there were five brownies but the same principle applies. As we left the parking garage and rode the elevator, it suddenly became apparent that our seats were in a suite high above the peasants. It turned out where the eight of us actually got a suite all to ourselves (undeserved perks FTW!). We were situated directly across from the entrance and thus had a perfect view of every shmuck while they strutted to ringside. Ironically enough, our suite had a TV in the left corner which allowed me to watch SmackDown simultaneously. Win/win situation? Damn skippy.

RAW House Show – Friday, March 18th

Randy Orton def. WWE Champion The Miz by DQ - To most of the crowd’s surprise, Sir Awesome’s theme song hit the loudspeakers first as he kicked off the festivities with a promo. And a solid one to boot. Obviously, Miz didn’t tell us anything groundbreaking but he had the crowd riled up right off the bat; preaching about his recent dominance over Cena and past victories against Orton. The Viper cut Mizanin off to everyone’s delight and the action began. Nothing noteworthy to report during the seven or so minutes until Orton started stalking Sir Awesome for the RKO. Immediately, CM Punk ran in and attacked The Viper from behind; prompting the disqualification. Let the 2-on-1 beat down commence. As a swarm of referees restored order between the ropes, ring announcer Justin Roberts notified the audience that the anonymous RAW General Manager had sent him a text message. Fans were given the ultimate power: the main event would be either Orton/Miz for the WWE Title or Orton teaming with Cena versus Punk & Miz. Naturally, the crowd popped madly for Fruity Pebbles and The Viper asked the crowd (off-mic) why they did him dirty.
Rainbow Rating:

Santino Marella (w/ Tamina), Vladimir Kozlov & Evan Bourne def. Zack Ryder, Tyson Kidd & Primo - Holy jobber sighting! Yo somebody let Super Chrisss know that I found his bro and to stop running those MISSING person’s ads on the back of milk cartons. It’s a shame we don’t get to witness these cellar dwellers on RAW more often because they tore it up with a fast paced clusterfuck. There was a sweet spot on the outside too where Kidd charged at Santino (who instinctively ducked for cover) and Tamina back dropped Tyson on the floor. After Marella received the hot tag and connected with the cobra on Ryder, Bourne hit his patented shooting star press on the Long Island Iced Z for the face win.
Rainbow Rating:

R-Truth def. Ted Dibiase (w/ Maryse~ish) - Pfffffft… here we are nearly a year later and Teddy’s still jobbing to fools like Truth. How terribly depressing. Anyways, the two wrestled an average bout with a few decent nearfalls before Maryse finally decided to accompany her pimp. The French Canadian was in no mood for fun and games though as she whipped her high heels into the ring for no sensible reason. Maryse’s interference proved costly for the wrong individual and Truth took advantage by rolling Dibiase up for the 1-2-3. The Million Dollar Couple left bickering and the goofy negro danced for the crowd.
Rainbow Rating:

The Great Khali def. Alex Riley - The NXT Season 2 Rookie explained that he wasn’t scheduled to be at the event but had talked with RAW’s anonymous GM. Supposedly, A-Ri simply had to win an impromptu match and he’d earn his job back. What’s that saying about ‘easier said than done’? You knew Miz’s protégé was up against an enormous obstacle and then Khali’s awkward frame emerged from behind the curtain. Considering the size differential, A-Ri put forth a respectable fight but you know how this story ends. A massive chop to the skull & chokebomb later, Riley was staring up at the rafters and still unemployed.
Rainbow Rating:

WWE United States Champion Sheamus def. Daniel Bryan in a Street Fight - The audience was presented with authority yet again as the options were a street fight or best two out of three falls contest. Hmmmmmm I WONDER what the crowd unanimously chose… If you were impressed by Bryan and the ginger’s U.S. Title Match from last week’s RAW, this trumped it in every category. Sheamus managed to escape the Lebell lock and quickly seized control with a kendo stick. After enduring several shots to the chest and shoulders, The American Bandwagon snatched the foreign object and blasted The Celtic Warrior’s body over two dozen times. No joke. Bryan might’ve evaded the ring steps and high cross but the brogue kick ultimately doomed him in. Fun stuff and the fans really latched on as the brutality heightened.
Rainbow Rating:

WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & Gail Kim def. Bella Twins - As I do routinely during chick segments on RAW or SmackDown, The Candyman braced himself for the restroom. Gail Kim made it increasingly difficult to do so however as she removed a Daniel Bryan t-shirt to reveal some lovely wrestling attire. I reclined in my seat and figured it couldn’t be any worse than the shit on television Mondays and Fridays. Before long, The Bella’s were keeping Eve in their corner; tagging frequently and… holy shit. Actual psychology in a Divas match! Nikki & Brie targeted the champ’s leg for minutes on end. Yes you heard that correctly, twat waffles. This bad boy came dangerously close to the ten-minute mark. Torres eventually tagged Gail who unloaded her entire arsenal on one of the twins (Lord knows which). Suffice to say, the Kungfu Chicken demoralized Team Bella.
Rainbow Rating:

John Morrison def. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) - The crowd instantly joined forces in a chorus of boos as The Cougar excused herself to ringside. While derogatory comments rained down on Vickie, she introduced Mr. Ziggles who looked as auburn as ever. JoMo received a loud pop and did his sunglasses donation bit in the aisle. To be honest, the first couple minutes were somewhat sloppy but then Abtastic & Ziggler got their shit together and sucked in the audience. Following an unsuccessful starship pain attempt, Dolph covered Morrison and used the ropes for leverage to score the tainted three count. The heel couple celebrated as Justin Roberts conversed with the ref. Moments later, the ring announcer informed everyone that RAW’s anonymous General Manager ordered the bout to continue (who knew the GM did house shows?). The Blonde Perm seemed bewildered and said goodnight as JoMo drilled him with the running knee for the victory. Dolph popped up minutes later and asked the first row of fans if he’d won.
Rainbow Rating:

John Cena & Randy Orton def. WWE Champion The Miz & CM Punk - Personally, I love the creepy pedophile-esque demeanor Cookie Monster currently has going on. I’m not sure if it could compete with anti-Jesus from 2010 though. As you’d probably expect, the heels dictated the flow and overwhelmed their foes for 85% of the match. Sir Awesome & Mr. Sobriety toyed with the fans as they stalled and even tried leaving before the Super Squad intervened. It seemed to take ages but The Viper tagged in Cena as the XL Center came unglued. Some untimely miscommunication on the villains’ part led to a RKO/attitude adjustment combo and Cena pinned his WrestleMania 27 opponent as the crowd erupted (me & Jims included). The winning tandem stuck around to shake hands and sign autographs as Miz disappeared into the locker room area. Meanwhile, Punk used a steel chair as a walker to assist him up the aisle. Engaging (albeit safely booked) main event.
Rainbow Rating:

SkitZ’ Sexy Synopsis - In retrospect, I’m definitely glad to have gone. Sir Fruity hadn’t previously attended a WWE event since Monday Night RAW in July of 2008. It’s always a blast to catch the show up close every now and then. If anything, physically showing support to the sport rekindles your fandom. Overall, I’d say the pros certainly outweighed the cons. Believe it or not, Vickie Guerrero’s voice wasn’t the most painful squawking we were subjected to Friday night. Kelly Kelly made two appearances during the show and managed a dance-off (yuck city) to award a lucky fan tickets to tonight’s RAW. Fuck that bitch though because she nearly blew my eardrums. One of the company officials needs to convince the cunt flap that she doesn’t need to yell into the microphone. The arena barely fits 10,000 people… I’m sure we’ll all here you crystal clear.

While I understand why RAW & SmackDown boast so many interviews, video packages, backstage interviews and non-wrestling material (especially during this time of year), there’s no denying that the show could benefit from more consistent in-ring action. If the WWE Universe were treated to the two plus hours of wrestling I witnessed three evenings ago, there’d be far less bitching and complaining. Speaking of moaning and muttering, Triple H can’t be bothered to show up in Hartford (a mere 45 minutes from his palatial home) but wrestled Sheamus in quality bout the very next night in MSG? Bogus. Bullshit. Blasphemy. And a plethora of other B words that I’m not intelligent enough to blurt out right now.

A few small notes I wanted to make before ditching you clowns. Firstly, the amount of Cena merchandise on display in the crowd below was completely ridiculous. Cena clones of all ages as far as the eye could see. And take my word for it when I say there were nothing but deafening cheers when Fruity Pebbles’ music hit the loudspeakers. Orton received a huge pop but don’t get it twisted, folks. Cena pandemonium is in a different stratosphere altogether. Vickie generated the second loudest crowd reaction of the show and remains the WWE’s single biggest heat magnet. Justin Roberts either has a recurring issue with his bladder or he was being fed information backstage because the ring announcer appeared and reappeared more times than I care to count. Television monitors and game consoles galore were set up across from the merchandise stand and sweet Jesus… got a chance to play WWE All Stars (which drops in stores March 29th) and it rocked my socks. Make sure you grab the game if the wallet allows it.

SkitzLOP@aol.com
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