[141] – Coping With An Adam Bomb (Step 1)

Before we get shit rolling, Sir Fruity wanted to share something with the masses (and no it isn’t pictorials of my stubby white dick). Check this out real quick, homies...

This is weird for me as I've never felt compelled to email a columnist before. I imagine you're either in the middle of writing a column unable to find the words to express how you feel, or you're pissed off and maybe feel cheated and want nothing to do with wrestling. Personally, at the moment I'm totally stunned. Not why you'd think though...

I never realized how much I cared about the people in the wrestling industry. The characters and the people. Edge's retirement didn't strike me as such, but rather it ambushed me unexpectedly as if I found out he died. I cried...actually couldn't stop for a bit there. Haven't felt that way for a wrestler since Benoit.

I've been watching WWF/E since 1999, during the transition to the People's Era, back when I was 14. I'm 26 Now, and though I don’t watch every show or PPV I know damn near everything that's happened on stage and behind the scenes. I never even thought at all in the last 5 years or so since Team ECK that Edge meant something to me... I guess I grew complacent and took him for granted. I didn't know I cared that much for the WWE at all, but I do despite its hair club for faggot's spokes model Mike Cole and lackluster women's/lightweight/hardcore/tag team divisions and constant repetitious garbage they fill their timeslot with. It's not the product, it's the People.

The loss of Edge led me to a pants-shitting startling thought. What if you stopped writing? Would Tito's blurb and that guy who does day 350, etc and the others keep me coming back? Nope. Would the news highlights keep me returning? Possibly, but it's hard to say. I can get them elsewhere through feeds and shit. If there's one loaded crack pipe that LOP has, that they had me try one drunken night, and continuously come back for, its Skittlez and Taste my Rainbow.

Straight up. Absolute Sincerity, unlike some skanks you've thrown it in, in the past.

You are probably my favorite columnist of all the websites I visit daily, and all the magazines I read, and I guess I wanted to tell you before time took you away unexpectedly as well. Derek Fowler from IGN is up there too. But you rule all on LoP and you have a respectable repertoire for rippin’ on retards, and calling AAAALLLL THEIR CANDY ASSES anything from cunt waffles to pieces of flap lint. Whether you knew it before or not, you've made my fucking day more times than I can remember. I've been reading your columns since at least 2006 off the top of my head, and probably earlier, but I can’t' access any of your old columns to gauge exactly... but I digress.

I just wanted to tip my hat to you, and thank you, Sir Goddamn Fruity Mother Fucker!

- Corey

Firstly, I didn’t post that ^ specifically to toot my own horn. At the expense of sounding gayer than usual, said email inspired me. Since watching my Edgykins give his farewell speech Monday night, I’ve felt a range of emotions; bitterness, frustration, sadness, clarity, etc. But more importantly, I wasn’t compelled to write anything whatsoever. I opened up Microsoft Word several times and nothing came of it. Honestly, I contemplated the idea of deserting the keyboard for an extended period. Corey’s words snapped me out of it however and now my head’s on relatively straight. Rather than blow my entire load in one measly column, we’re gonna be celebrating The Rated Superstar indefinitely(ish). Expect something Adam Copeland related every three or four days for the remainder of April. Doing so will provide me with enough closure to move on accordingly. We’ll kick the festivities off with the cookie cutter bullshit and The Candyman will share his more personal thoughts on Edge down the road.

In today’s edition, we’re gonna briefly relive every single championship The Ultimate Opportunist won whilst working for World Wrestling (Oops!) Entertainment. Wikipedia lists 31 so I’d grab a few snacks and get comfy, dildos. After glancing over all of Copeland’s career accomplishments, it suddenly dawned on me… The Rated R Superstar was a transitional champ from start to finish. That stigma didn’t just ring true during his main event run. Dude also holds the record for most Tag Team Title reigns in a calendar year and belt vacancies due to injury. I’m not 100% certain those are facts but close enough. They sound pretty legit if you ask me!

Filling The Stat Sheet

Intercontinental Title (July 24, 1999 – July 25, 1999): Ahhhh popping that golden cherry. Satisfying, isn’t it? Edge captured the belt from Jeff Jarrett on a Saturday house show and this was before the internet controlled all of our lives. The aunt and uncle were throwing a family cookout so I devised a plan. My Uncle Scott had set up their digital cable to where they received tons of additional channels illegally. Thus, I schemed my way into staying late and watching Fully Loaded for free! Unfortunately, the fact that Copeland had only been champion for 24 hours didn’t serve him well as Double J stole the IC Title back. Hillbilly fuck.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Christian] (April 2, 2000 – May 29, 2000): In terms of the Duldeys and Hardyz and winning the straps, E&C were a bit late to the dance. But I think it’s safe to say the goofy Canucks were constantly carrying gold during the Attitude Era. The dynasty began at WM16 where Matt Hardy did what he does best… crash and burn, baby! Actually you might as well lump Jeff in there with his bro.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Christian] (June 25, 2000 – September 24, 2000): The longest E&C reign without question. After a surprising loss a few weeks earlier, the duo reclaimed the straps from Too Cool. Yes you read that correctly. Can you say ‘sympathy reign’? SummerSlam served as the main highlight where E&C managed to escape the Hardyz backyard with the gold. Technically the first TLC bout but c’mon now, folks.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Christian] (October 22, 2000 – October 23, 2000): Yes this was another reign which lasted barely one day but there’s an exception here. Legitimacy got pushed aside for entertainment value. Los Conquistadores were fucking epic and the angle honestly deserved several extra weeks. Instead, Jeff & Matt each did terrible impersonations of Los Conquistadores the following evening on RAW and robbed E&C. A shameless crime that seriously lacked originality.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Christian] (December 10, 2000 – December 18, 2000): The Canadian tandem’s fourth taste of gold at Armageddon accomplished two things: it removed the belts from RTC’s Nazi camp and set the stage for a mini-feud with biker Taker & Rocky. And while E&C might’ve been demolished by Big Evil and The Great One, it showed how much faith the company had in the villainous duo.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Christian] (December 19, 2000 – January 21, 2001): Especially when Copeland & Reso stole the belts right back from superior competition on the taped episode of SmackDown. I mean sure Kurt Angle acted as a biased referee and whatnot but who cares? Them the brakes in pro wrestling, penis wrinkles.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Christian] (March 19, 2001 – March 19, 2001): In an attempt to spice up the aging E&C/Hardyz/Dudleys saga, management dabbled with some fireworks a couple weeks prior to WrestleMania 17. Matt & Jeff emerged victorious over Bubba Ray & D-Von to win the belts in early March. Then two weeks later, those clever Canucks took advantage of the absent Dudleys and used their rematch clause to dethrone the Hardyz. But to my chagrin, Wood Inc. crashed the party moments afterwards, made good on their championship opportunity and regained the straps. Confused yet?

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Christian] (April 1, 2001 – April 17, 2001): Of course every member of the WWE Universe recalls E&C’s defining victory at WM17 to claim gold for a then-record seventh time. Despite conflicting opinions, the train wreck otherwise known as TLC II was the best offering of the bunch. Watch it straight through and try to tell me differently, cunt stains. My only gripe is the shortness of the reign (what’s new?). After an enormous win like such, the Canucks should’ve strutted around with the belts for far longer than 16 days. I wish death upon both The Brothers of Destruction AND Two-Man Power Trip.

Intercontinental Title (August 19, 2001 – September 23, 2001): Fresh off surviving the 2001 KOTR tournament, Copeland’s singles push marched into SummerSlam and resulted in him seizing the strap from Lance Storm in an extremely underrated opening contest. Thank God my Edgykins wasn’t involved in any of that craptacular InVasion nonsense. Oh wait…

Intercontinental Title (October 21, 2001 – November 5, 2001): Damn management for booking Christian into the Alliance. Late as hell if I might add. Not only did the WCW/ECW versus WWE garbage generate some of the worst programming in the companies’ history but also ruined what should’ve been a money feud between storyline brothers. Fans were subjected to a miniature sized program with minimal build and virtually zero chance of Christian benefitting to the same degree as his former partner.

United States Title (November 12, 2001 – November 18, 2001): So you ask how the company follows up Edge’s fantastic ladder bout with Captain Charisma and subsequent IC Title win? They put the belt on Test. I KNOW, RIGHT? Sweet Jesus. Basically, WWE handed the deceased bastard the Intercontinental Championship and booked Copeland to secure Kurt Angle’s prized possession so the two would have an acceptable reason to unify the straps.

Intercontinental Title (November 18, 2001 – January 20, 2002): Two months probably don’t seem like much but this championship reign centered around an all too easily forgotten Edge/Regal feud. Copeland successfully defended his gold against the Brit at Vengeance but ultimately fell victim to the power of the punch in late January. This was when the company was taking appropriate measures to elevate Sir William. What happened?

WWE Tag Team Titles [w/ Hulk Hogan] (July 2, 2002 – July 21, 2002): Ha! You know The Hulkster was loving business throughout the summer of ’02. The companies’ top talents were making Hogan look like a million bucks every Thursday night. Case in point, his interaction with Edge. Yours truly watched with utter ecstasy as Copeland and The Immortal One defeated Billy & Chuck on Independence Day to capture SmackDown gold. I caught the patriotic episode at my sister’s old boyfriend’s casa. If you thought the amount of Mexicans that can fit in a van was startling, imagine how many they squeeze into a house.

WWE Tag Team Titles [w/ Rey Mysterio] (November 5, 2002 – November 17, 2002): Tag team wrestling was hitting its stride on the blue brand. Along with Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit and Los Guerreros, Edge and The Mexican Jumping Bean dazzled audiences with a tremendous series of matches. In the bigger picture, the randomly thrown together duo was short lived but made a big splash. Why WWE didn’t further pursue the makeshift tandem is beyond me.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Chris Benoit] (April 19, 2004 – May 31, 2004): To be absolutely blunt, this was nothing but a token gift for the babyface Canucks. In retrospect, the move made little to no sense. The Crippler had just won the World Heavyweight Championship the month prior and Copeland was returning from a year of rehabilitation. Both individuals were far removed from the tag team scene and didn’t have any business winning the straps again. The coronation emanated from Alberta which is what I assume motivated management to decide on a title swap. Naturally, WWE realized the alliance was pointless and placed the belts on La Resistance in quick order.

Intercontinental Title (July 11, 2004 – September 6, 2004): If there weren’t any indications of my Edgykins turning heel, the writing was on the wall after Vengeance. The normally straightforward Hartford crowd cheered Orton throughout the contest and loudly booed Copeland. Edge’s final midcard reign came to an abrupt end courtesy of RAW General Manager Eric Bischoff after the Canuck suffered a nasty groin injury. What an uncooperative body.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Chris Benoit] (October 19, 2004 – November 1, 2004): Alright this bad boy made even less sense than their other reign. Purpose? Ummmm… to prove that the brand new Taboo Tuesday concept guaranteed change I guess. Along with further turning Edge into a douchebag. Solution? Oh well lets go ahead and treat La Resistance to another gimme. The only satisfaction I got out of the entire ordeal was watching Copeland sit at ringside while the murderer fended for himself.

WWE Title (January 8, 2006 – January 29, 2006): Seldom in WWE history has a brilliant spot of booking been followed up with a boner killer of this magnitude. The Rated R Superstar shocked the world, finally dropped the curtain on Cena’s marathon tour, staged the live sex celebration with Lita, garnered crazy ratings for RAW, etc. Business was booming from my viewpoint! Then in the blink of an eye, Edge taps like a bitch at the Royal Rumble and my wet dream vanishes. Cue sad pouty face.

WWE Title (July 3, 2006 – September 17, 2006): Just when it appeared the company had given RVD the brass ring, justice prevailed! Van Dam’s timing with the drug possession arrest couldn’t have been any more perfect. The massive error in judgment prompted management to jump the gun and award Copeland with his second World Championship. I was growing concerned in terms of The Rated R Superstar becoming a one-hit wonder and this moment allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief. Capped off by an excellent TLC contest with Cena at Unforgiven.

World Tag Team Titles [w/ Randy Orton] (November 13, 2006 – January 29, 2007): This marked a fun, albeit intense, feud with D-Generation X. You can credit Edge & The Legend Killer for bringing Hunter & Shawn back down to Earth. Making the stable seem human and even sidelining Trips in the process. Rated RKO were no slouches but hot damn… anything was better than Flair & Piper. And the Spirit Squad for that matter.

World Heavyweight Title (May 8, 2007 – July 17, 2007): Bah I can’t even keep count how many moments of awesomeness have been ruined by random injuries. In my thirteen plus years of fandom, I don’t believe Sir Fruity’s ever marked so ridiculously for something featured on a taped show. Especially considering I’d slipped and read the SmackDown spoilers Tuesday evening. Personally, I dug this MITB cash-in a tad more than the New Year’s Revolution ’06 incident. It also led to the blue brand becoming Edge’s playground. Who knew a torn pectoral muscle could do so much additional damage? The Rated R Superstar disappeared from television, Kane got shafted out of his first World Championship in nearly a decade and Khali ended up seizing the gold. Yeesh.

World Heavyweight Title (December 16, 2007 – March 30, 2008): By now, The Candyman was in heaven. Copeland’s impressive collection of hardware continued to grow, the alignment with Vicky and formation of La Familia solidified Edge as a permanent fixture in the main event. Tickled pink, I surveyed The Ultimate Opportunist as he put together a handful of spectacular performances with Rey Rey and entered ‘Mania as head honcho. By that point, I was on cloud fucking nine and couldn’t care less whether he buried the streak.

World Heavyweight Title (June 1, 2008 – June 30, 2008): MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. The goose egg against The Deadman had begun to bother the shit out of me and then BLAMO! In one fell swoop, La Familia assisted The Ultimate Opportunist in vanquishing Taker from the WWE and out of title contention. The TLC bout was superbly booked I thought and showcased two or three spots we’d never before witnessed. Credit The Phenom for taking the matches’ ugliest bump.

WWE Title (November 23, 2008 – December 14, 2008): Despite it being ranked as the Worst Worked Match of ’08 by Wrestling Observer Newsletter, Edge/HHH/Kozlov served as a tremendous markout moment for SkitZ-O. Needlessly to say, I wasn’t expecting Copeland back after just a three month sabbatical. Let alone screw Jeff Hardy, save us from Vlad’s overwhelming mediocrity and steal his sixth World Championship. Lol @ the grizzly beard The Rated R Superstar tried growing whilst gone.

WWE Title (January 25, 2009 – February 15, 2009): Meh… twenty-one days equals your signature Edge reign. The Ultimate Opportunist capitalized on Matthew’s betrayal to strike gold again in a fast paced no DQ contest. Cracks started surfacing in Copeland & Vickie’s love life and I fist pumped the air much like a male elephant enters his lady friend. The poor excuse of a marriage had run its’ course and needed to conclude ASAP.

World Heavyweight Title (February 15, 2009 – April 5, 2009): Educate me on why management found it so necessary to keep The Rated R Superstar as champion but brandishing a separate belt? Yo fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck The Game and the horse he rode in on. Frantic booking at No Way Out to ensure H walked into the big event as champ destroyed what would’ve been a four month reign for Edge! And lord knows how precious title stints with substance and longevity are for Copeland.

World Heavyweight Title (April 26, 2009 – June 7, 2009): *See above paragraph* John Cena’s lousy ‘Mania moment stunted a title reign that included a sensational Last Man Standing contest and two strong outings with the Rainbow Haired Drug Addict. Luckily, The Ultimate Opportunist retreated back to SmackDown after Backlash. Cenation is like pure poison for us Edgeheads; regardless of who’s face, heel or tweener.

Unified Tag Team Titles [w/ Chris Jericho] (June 28, 2009 – July 6, 2009): Bummer city. To think what ‘Two Pucks In A Pod’, as I’ve so eloquently labeled them, could’ve potential done together if Copeland’s torn Achilles tendon never occurred. Management literally took the blueprint they’d laid out for Edge & Y2J beforehand and applied it to JeriShow. The Rated R Superstar would’ve really gelled with the Fozzy frontman and rather than simply take the tag team division by storm, there would’ve been MotY candidates scattered over the second half of ’09.

World Heavyweight Title (December 19, 2010 – February 15, 2011): At the furious rate he was racking up championships, who could’ve estimated Copeland going a whole year and a half without embracing gold? It seemed like an eternity to me and my hairy pale ass was getting anxious by last Thanksgiving. I’ve cursed Edge’s feud with Kane on multiple occasions but at least something positive happened at the finish line. If I had to endure one more Paul Bearer held hostage segment, God help the souls down in Stamford at WWE’s Main Headquarters. You’d see the building completely torched and SkitZ laughing maniacally in the background. No joke.

World Heavyweight Title (February 15, 2011 – April 12, 2011): Initially, I refused to credit this as Edge’s eleventh World Championship victory. Not only did it erase a potential four month reign – Copeland’s longest to date – but Dolph Ziggler never even covered The Rated R Superstar for a three count or made him submit. I still don’t agree with the company dubbing this as its’ own respective stint. On the bright side however, Edge’s rivalry with Alberto Del Rio was much more tolerable than the ‘spear Spear SPEAR’ blasphemy heading into WM26. Throw in a short E&C reunion and I’m sold.

Holy shit… Part of me was expecting Big O to be 6’7” or something. Seeing him toe-to-toe with Ryder dispels that theory in a heartbeat. Dude’s like John Cena mixed with a hint of Jersey Shore! Big O’s got the build of a fucking fire hydrant. Nonetheless, he’d serve as a formidable bodyguard IF management ever decides to make the Long Island Iced Z relevant. What’s this I hear about the actual John Cena appearing on Episode 9? We shall see. I’ve grown quite accustomed to Ryder’s deceiving tactics since the pilot video. Also, I can’t help but wonder if these are gonna reach enough top dogs to earn the companies’ attention. If HHH’s reaction is the status quo, we’re sooooooooo doomed. Zack’s likely to commit suicide before WWE discovers the YouTube mini-series. For what it’s worth, I’m never gonna cave and spike my hair.

Stroke And Bust

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