(Well, you guys get a larger column this time since I fucked the pooch last week. Also they may start getting larger as we get into the meat of gameplay, mainly because it's much easier to write more when they're actually playing. Might mean that there'll be less jokes, not in general, but more spread out to get the actual game to get played. Or not! Who knows?! I'm so awful at judging my own work so I don't know if it gets boring at times or what. Whatever! Also, I have made a Facebook specifically for answering y'all since you seem to prefer Facebook discussions on main page columns. So...yeah. Don't expect me to use it a ton, but I'll pop out every now and again. Enjoy!)

MissouriDragon: Am I gonna wrestle tonight or what? I could just drink some beers outside and wait for drunk locals to start one-sided fights with the wrestlers.

OniBarubary: Much as you’d like to spend your Thursday as you usually do, you’re on the docket tonight. So head on in. Watch out for the bull skull above the entryway, it looks like some vengeful Native-American spirit on its last legs, looking for just one more paleface to take out on its way down.

Missou: Translation?

Oni: The cow skull’s barely hanging on. You’re surprised it hasn’t been part of some lawsuit already. Geez, you guys have no flair for the dramatic.

Hustle: We’re wrestling fans.

Oni: You like Cena.

Hustle: He’s dramatic. Every match I wonder if he’s gonna overcome the odds or not.

Missou: Redneck bar in Ohio? You sure on that?

Oni: I’ve seen 3 or 4 places with bull skulls on the walls in Connecticut and Mass alone dude and we’re as North as it gets without becoming woodsmen or lobsters.

Cold: Longhorn Steakhouse doesn’t count.

Oni: Alright, 3 places. 2. Moving on, you go in without adding some unwanted bones to your dome and its in some half-state of preparedness, as if they didn’t give a shit in the process of setting up or outsourced to blind people. Chairs are in masses where rows should be, as if gestating for a sudden birth into full-blown seating arrangements. The ceiling is real low, maybe 8 feet above the top turnbuckle, or rather where the top turnbuckle would be if the 4 wrestlers sitting on the barren ring were doing anything but jawing at each other.

Cold: Good thing Breaks doesn’t do any shooting stars.

Hustle: I dunno how indy feds can do shows in places like that. For all the high risk wrestlers-

Uncle Joe: Flipshit spot monkeys.

Hustle: For all the flipshit spot monkeys they got, places with a high clearance would be the first box to throw a check on.

Missou: I have not a care. Only time Breaks sees the top turnbuckle is when he’s throwing some fool’s head into it.

Oni: Yeah yeah, and he only takes two bumps a match and one’s from doing a back suplex to his opponent. There’s a bar along one side with barely any clearance near the ring, meaning no one’ll be doing spots to that side unless they feel like adding a concussion to their bar tab. The girl behind it is no looker, but then again, that’s pretty much in line with the fact you’re at an indy wrestling show.

Cold: Woof. Expect some complaints about that.

Joe: Ugly people don’t have rights or feelings.

Oni: She’s looking you over and seems unsure what to do, seeing as you could be one of three things right now and she can’t decide between them: drunkard, wrestler or fan. Her mind can’t seem to handle the stress so she gives up and makes herself as useful as a bartender with no customers can be. As you look around some more you catch sight of the man who called you out for this show a couple days ago, recognizing him from the other AIW shows you’ve worked.

Missou: Shit, I’ve already worked some of these shows? Ain’t no hope for me now.

Oni: You’re a survivor, you’ll live. Anyways, he…um…he…huh…

Oni shuffles through his papers, a furrowed brow perusing all the info he has written down

Hustle: Problem?

Oni: Well, I…uh. Hrm.

Missou: Spit it, kemosabe.

Oni: I don’t actually know who the owner or booker for AIW is.

Joe: Neither do any of us. So make it up.

Oni: I guess. Weird, maybe it’s run by a secretive cabal of dark magicians looking to break into the wrestling business and collect the souls of-

Hustle: Normal please.

Oni: It could be Ian Rotten under an alias.

Hustle: Intriguing, but no.

Oni: Fine. Gimme a second.

Oni takes only a moment to think before he begins to scribble on a sheet of paper

Hustle: What’re you going to do for your match?

Missou: Dunno who my opponent is yet.

Joe: Since it’s probably some skinny kid with Hardy pants, and you’re mos def not the main event, you won’t be doing anything complicated. Keep him grounded, cut off his comeback spots, let his speed get the advantage on you and depending on who’s going over you either cave in his chest or take a lucky hit and lay down for 3.

Missou: I could hit him ‘til he stops moving.

Hustle: You can do that after the show.

Joe: One-sided parking lot beatdowns don’t have much psychology.

Cold: When did we start planning a murder?

Oni: Done. Back in black. Lick my sack.

Oni finishes with a flourish and drops the pencil

Cold: You make up the lyrics for normal songs too?

Oni: Yeah, it’s a catch-all. Whatever I can shove “balls” or “cock” into.

Hustle: I assume there’s very little you won’t.

Oni: You’d be surprised how well it fits most of the time.

Hustle throws his hands up in defeat

Hustle: Welp, I’m done. This is too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel.

Cold: Naw man, it’s worse. Like looking at a fish in a barrel. Or hell, just looking at a barrel.

Oni: If you guys are done discussing fish and their resting places, we can move on. So you see the promoter across the way, and he’s an old hand. Real name’s Antonio Degas, ring name was something completely forgettable back when he wrestled in OVW for years, made it to the WWE roster for a couple months and then was let go in a mass reaping of talent. Completely forgotten and probably for the better.

Cold: Looking at your future, Huss.

Hustle: More blowjobs received then given is a perk, I suppose.

Oni: So what do you do?

Missou: Walk right up to him and let him know I’m here, give a wave to the cats by the ring on the way.

Oni: Mmhmm. They nod back, one of them giving a bit more of an enthusiastic wave and you recognize him from some other shows you’ve done. Doesn’t matter now as you’ve caught Antonio’s attention. Dude may be on the backend of a wrestling career, but he looks none worse for wear for it. Shorter than you but built and you remember suddenly that he’s the type of promoter who puts himself in the main events. Probably still has the AIW championship at home, shining it up real nice before he wears it naked in his living room with his dick tucked between his legs.

Cold: Do they have a singles title?

Oni: I have no idea. I don’t care anymore. They do now.

Missou: Pray I’m not wrestling him. Don’t feel like having to put a selfish prick like that over.

Oni: As best you can remember, you’re not, but he did call you at 8 AM on the left side of a hangover so anything can happen. He recognizes you instantly and wraps up whatever he was doing with the light crew to come over and shake your hand. “Good to see you, Breaks!” he says, all smiles. He’s not the type with brains enough to hide falsity in a set of teeth so you believe him. Makes it more likely you’re putting him over though, with how eager he is.

Missou: Glorious. I give his hand a shake and a squeeze and tell him it’s nice to see him as well. Let him now I can help the boys set up if they need a hand.

Cold: Ain’t you the saint.

Oni: He lets you know you can get to that in a minute, it’ll let you talk things over with your opponent.

Missou: Phew. One thing to be thankful for, I s’pose.

Oni picks up a D20 and rolls it behind his screen, out of view of the others

Joe: Hey now, what was that secretive shit?

Oni: Well, any rolls I make for NPCs-

Joe: Layman.

Oni: Non-player characters. Anyone who isn’t you guys.

Joe: None of these fags are me.

Hustle: Small miracle.

Oni: I make all their rolls. They have the same stats as you. Sometimes they’ll be opposed to you guys if you’re negotiating for a push or you stiff some guy, sometimes they’ll be together if you’re teaming up or working together in a planned spot for a match and sometimes I’ll just roll it because I long for the sweet sound of plastic rattling across a table. I’ll try to keep that to a minimum though.

Missou: What are you rolling, since it’s obviously related to my current state of affairs?

Oni: I’m not always gonna tell you guys. You’ll just have to make educated guesses based on what I tell you. I’ll also be rolling for luck occasionally, because sometimes you simply get lucky that you didn’t die after being shivved in the shower by irate Puerto-Ricans.

Missou: For example.

Oni: For example. Antonio says he’s got a great angle planned out since you’re not an every show guy but the people know you well enough to know you’re a tough sumbitch.

Hustle: You don’t have to say it like Austin.

Oni: Sounds cooler.

Hustle: When he says it.

Oni: You’ll be putting over a young guy named Joe Collins who’s been getting popular lately but hasn’t had that match that gets people to sit up and take notice. But Antonio thinks he has a ton of potential, so he’ll be playing on that tonight. He motions to the completely ineffectual ring crew and the guy who waved at you before seems to be the target of his pointing. The kid, Collins, gives you another small wave back and suddenly realizes he should probably be fucking doing something if the promoter is looking at him. So he gets to attaching the ropes with his spindly arms. Kid looks like a quadriplegic spider, like Jack Evans on a diet. He’s wearing a Captain America shirt you’re almost positive you saw in the kids section at Walmart.

Hustle: You are burning this kid alive.

Oni: Come on, all together we got like 75% of a black person in this room, gimme some “ooooooooohhhhhhhhh”s and “daaaaaamnnnnn”s.

Cold: (lazily) Oh snap.

Oni: That’s the spirit. Kid looks like Jeff Hardy’s methed out corpse.

Joe: Shit son.

Oni: You’re pretty sure you saw him on the last Diva Search.

Hustle: Ooooooooooooh, I guess.

Joe: Shit son, shit son!

Oni: If he got any whiter, he could go to a Klan rally without a hood.

Missou: Ha, okay. That was kinda funny.

Joe: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn son, ha ha ha ha!

Hustle: I chuckled.

Oni: Kid looks like albino Kenyan Gumby.

Cold: Baaaaaaa ha ha ha.

Hustle: That’s worthy of an “ooooooooooooh”

Joe: I don’t get it.

Oni: Heh heh. I amuse myself far too much. So yeah, kid’s small and skinny. That’s your opponent.

Missou: And I’m putting him over. Wonderful. I could sneeze and get disqualified for excessive force.

Oni: So it is written so shall it be done. Antonio turns you back to him and says that you’ll be pushing the kid to the limit tonight and you’ll look like a sure-win with your move, that he calls the “chestbutt thingy”

Missou: I can tell this will be a common theme.

Oni: Gotta grief you in some way. And then the kid will roll you up for a shock win. Boom, should put him over great.

Missou: Can I beat him down after the match is over?

Oni: Are you…actually asking that?

Missou: A-yup.

Cold: I see no way this’ll go poorly.

Oni: Alright. Gimme a backstage charisma roll then. Spin the D20 and add your backstage.

Missou rolls a die, as does Oni (though behind his screen)

Missou: Adding it all up…18. Not so good. Or maybe? What’s considered good?

Oni: Depends on the difficulty of what you’re trying to do, which once again I will be obscuring from you as far as hard numbers go.

Missou: Just tell me if he’s down.

Oni: Considering the visible effort it’s taking him to do so, sweat running in small lines across his chin, you’re guessing he’s having a hard time coming to grips with that idea. He hesitates, then says that it might ruin the angle if you lay him out after, particularly because you ain’t gonna be gentle about it.

Missou: So no go.

Oni: That’s what he says. I remind you though, that that is what he says. What you do is up to you.

Joe: I’m gonna have a lot of fun with that later.

Oni: I’m sure.

Missou: Well, maybe me and this Collins kid will have a little parlay about me putting him over.

Joe: That’s French for ass-fucking, right?

Hustle: No, involves more fists.

Joe: Hey, fisting’s cool too.

Hustle: No, as in - fuck it.

Missou: I give Antonio a heads up that I’m off to help put the ring up and go over my match with the lucky SOB.

Oni: Hold up Tex, before you commit possible infanticide Antonio gives you a slightly worrisome look. Doesn’t look good on a man as big as him. Double the sweat, now running fresh rivers down the twin arcs of his cheeks.

Hustle: You are way too good at describing the sweat traits of large men.

Oni shrugs

Missou: Fucks sake, what now?

Oni: You know the amount he quoted you on the phone? Well it might have to be a bit less depending on the gate. They haven’t been drawing as well as last time you made your presence felt, but the tournament should help things so you shouldn’t worry too much. Which is carny speak for “Don’t fucking kill me if I can’t get you the money, I swear, you can fuck my wife, just don’t take my thumbs.”

Missou: Has he ever stiffed me on money before?

Oni: Nope.

Missou: How much less are we talking?

Oni: He can pay you 75% of what you agreed on. The rest’ll be determined by the gate.

Missou: Fuck it, I don’t need a roll for that. If he’s been good before, I’ll give him this one show of faith. I can live off 75% of…wait, 75% of what?

Oni: 100 bucks.

Missou: Lord alive. How do indy wrestlers live?

Cold: Pimping some merch out, swindling some kids.

Hustle: Beating up the smaller wrestlers and taking their money?

Cold: Selling their girlfriend to the other wrestlers or to the human slave trade.

Joe: They don’t.

Hustle: Oof. Too soon.

Missou: Better go talk with this Jibby Joe whatever his name was. If I’m not making money, I might as well enjoy myself in the ring.

Oni: You mean stain it with his brains.

Missou: Same thing at this point.

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net