(And here begins our new week! Sorry if these starting out columns are a lot of explaining and not as funny, but I promise we shall get to the hilarious hijinks of the assembled actors soon enough. Well, at least in-ring and backstage wise. So here we go, another week ahead!)

MissouriDragon: Alright, so what about my guy?

OniBarubary: What about your guy? Does he even have a name yet?

Missou: Sure. How about Clark Breaks?

Oni: I know what you’re going for, but dammit dude that’s not a name, that’s an exclamation. Like the Hulk. “HULK SMASH! CLARK BREAKS! RARRRGH!”

Cold: That’s an awful hero name, even if it is Supes’ fake one.

Oni: Maybe it could be when he gets exposed to some crazy kryptonite. The Clark, and he’s just Clark Kent but he goes around smashing stuff and drooling like an idiot and shouting his name repeatedly. “Rar! Clark mad! CLARK BREAKS!”

Cold: Pretty sure Marvel’d call them on that shit.

Oni: Well, maybe it’d be a special plagiarism kryptonite-

Missou: Lord above, I’ll change it, just stop talking about comics. This nerdery is crushing my spirits.

Hustle: We’re already playing a table top game, it’s not like you have much further to fall.

Uncle Joe: Careful Missouri, that’s how it starts. Play a game here, listen to comic talk there…next thing you know, you’ll have naked anime chick action figures all over your room.

Missou: Perish the thought.

Oni: Hey, they’re not action figures. They’re figurines. And most of them are clothed.

Hustle: Maybe determining where Breaks is wrestling is a more productive line of conversation. Less respect demolishing as well.

Missou: I’m keepin’ Breaks, so how about Stan Breaks?

Hustle: Just keep Clark.

Oni: At least that way we can pretend you have a shred of imagination in you. Clark Breaks is going to be a tough fit-

Hustle: No homo.

Oni: I still don’t get that. Anyways, he’s an old southern style brawler so there aren’t gonna be too many places he fits in. The best I can think of would be to work for NWA even if it is a shell of its former self that is possessed by the crazy notion that people want to see Adam Pearce.

Missou: Does NWA even make tape?

Oni: I honestly have no idea. I stay away from them for the most part. Haven’t been good in decades.

Missou: Well gee, thanks for dumping me there.

Oni: Dude, you tell me where a relic of the 70s and 80s is going to get a job in wrestling today. I can only really think of small feds. No big name has southern brutes, the closest you’ll get are places with more hardcore wrestling like a CZW or JAPW, or IWA-MS though it’s out of business. Again. Too bad, cause Bull Pain worked there, didn’t he?

Cold: Yup.

Oni: Damn, too bad. That might’ve been a good fit, actually.

Hustle: What’s stopping you from using it? It’s not like all this is based entirely on the current scene anyways.

Missou: He’s got a point.

Oni: Fine, sure. So Clark Breaks will work the eastish coast in the more rough and tumble promotions, like IWA-MS, JAPW and CZW.

Missou: CZW? Really?

Oni: Hey, their stuff’s been getting better as of late. Not like…mid 2000s RoH better but at least mid-show IWA-MS better.

Missou: Translation?

Cold: They don’t garbage wrestle as much anymore.

Missou: Guess that’s fine then.

Oni: Oh whatever, but you have no problem with JAPW or IWA? Half of your matches are gonna be you and Necro or Brodie beating each other with crutches over quarter-filled bleachers. Maybe Sami Callihan knuckle-dusting you-

Missou: Oh hell no, fuck that tubby, eyeliner-wearing gouche-jockey.

Cold sighs and Joe continues his furious scribbling that has not ceased since the revelation of his character

Cold: Dude, why’d you mention Callihan?

Joe: Here we go.

Missou: Sorry, but that motherfucker needs a good fucking Harley Race style beatdown, complete with ripping his damn ear off.

Oni: Yes yes, his existence is a travesty, but look at it this way; you can work with him and stiff the fuck out of him. Maybe even get into backstage arguments and shower stabbings.

Missou: I suppose…You won’t have him go over me, will you?

Oni: Not intentionally, no. Besides, worst comes to worst and you can just refuse to work with him or like…hide his body in a drainage ditch.

Missou: I guess that’s fine.

Oni: Good. Geez.

Hustle: Your own damn fault, dude.

Oni: Yes, what was I thinking, talking about wrestling. Anyways maybe we’ll have you at the start of flying out to Puerto Rico to wrestle there. They still love the heavyweight lucha style there and you can fake it well enough if you’re like a Southern brawler.

Joe: Whoa, hold up!

Uncle Joe has finally stopped his doodling

Joe: Nigga gets to work in PR but I can’t wrestle in Mexico?

Hustle: Your hipster wouldn’t work in Mexico, man. Sacrifices.

Oni: You’re not Flipsy McLuchaspots, you’re Traviss Oberst, so please inform me why you would ever be wrestling for any lucha promotion?

Joe: Because I don’t want to wrestler for no gay-ass American indies full of dudes trying their best to be the next Davey Richards?

Oni: Dude, that’s only a couple feds that wrestle like that. And you can still ignore those guys and see other types. It’s not like you’re wrestling every match on the card. Have some faith that people won’t make you wrestle Eddie Edwards every night.

Joe: I have no faith in you.

Oni: I find your lack of faith…disturbing.

Hustle: Having a feud with someone uber serious like a Davey or whatever CAW clone of him exists would actually be a good watch. Very cathartic. Have him give promos on how he can kick better because he learned from older Japanese wrestlers or whatever.

Joe: Ugh.

Oni: Stop whining. We’re moving on.

Joe: Fine, but I’m killing whatever promotion I’m in from the inside out.

Joe goes back to whatever it was he was doing

Oni: Sure, whatever. You alright with everything, Missou?

Missou: I don’t even remember what we were talking about anymore.

Oni: Good, excellent. Hus, we only have you left.

Hustle: Hit me, I’m ready.

Oni: For you, I have a nifty idea.

Hustle: Uh oh.

Oni: Shut up or I’m taking it back.

Cold: I got an idea what it is.

Oni: What is it then, smart guy?

Cold: You’re gonna start him in FCW working developmental for the E.

Oni’s face drops

Hustle: That was it, wasn’t it?

Oni: …

Missou: It was.

Oni: …you ass.

Cold: Sorry.

Hustle: So I’m going to be signed by the E already? I thought we were all starting out small on the indies?

Oni: Well, you still are. I mean, who knows what could happen? You could bomb out hard and have to scrape by doing kids parties. Or stay in FCW for fucking years like half those guys.

Cold: Or make it big.

Oni glares at Cold

Oni: Yes, or that.

Cold raises his hands up in front of him

Oni: I just think it would be interesting to see how far you could go with enough cocksuckery and fan support when you’re hot garbage in the ring.

Hustle: Hey. C’mon man.

Oni: Sorry. When you’re lukewarm garbage.

Hustle: You’re forgiven.

Oni: Do we have a name to go with this basket of tribal?

Hustle: Not yet.

Joe: I got an idea.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

OniBarubary: And your idea is?

Uncle Joe: His real name could be fuck-all, don’t care about that, but we could come up with his WWE name since it’s almost like a contest to see how awful a name they can sidle new stars with.

Hustle: Yeah, like Perfect’s son getting named McGillicutty. Get outta here with that.

MissouriDragon: You down, Hus?

Hustle: Sure. It’ll just add some challenge in getting over. You had any ideas Joe?

Joe: Cockbat Maleficent.

Hustle: Alright, guess you met your quota for the day or something.

Oni: No no, he may be onto something.

Hustle: Both of you can sit on the bench for this one.

Oni: Well I thought it was good.

Joe: Uncreative charlatans.

Hustle: Missou, Cold, you got any ideas?

Missou: Hoss McHuge.

Cold: Arnold Santos.

Hustle: He’s not latin. Hoss McHuge?

Cold: Arnold Cassidy.

Hustle: He’s not Irish. Hoss McHuge?

Cold: Plenty of people ain’t Irish named Cassidy.

Hustle: No. No way.

Missou: Jenson Grady.

Hustle: Ooo, that one’s not bad.

Cold: I gave you gold, hater.

Joe and Oni: Cockbat Maleficent.

Hustle: Holy shit, I will put both of you down like blind sheepdogs.

Joe: Manuel Lummox.

Oni: Knob Blackstuff.

Joe: Zipper Mantit.

Oni: Sambo Slaprock.

Cold: Adrien Brody.

Joe: Damien Limpbone.

Oni: Roley Butters.

Hustle: That’s it, I’m smacking you with my ring-hand.

Missou: Just go with the one you liked before.

Hustle: It’s Jenson Grady. It’s perfectly generic and doesn’t have “cock” or “tit” in it. It’s over. Boom.

Oni grumbles under his breath as he writes it down and Joe grimaces and goes back to his own sheet

Oni: Who’s left? Cold did we decide anything for you?

Cold: Thanks fer rememberin’.

Oni: Sorry, I just got…caught up in the moment.

Cold: Yeah, whatever. I think we were going for East Coast with EVOLVE or RoH or some shit, but maybe slow starting out on some nameless feds.

Oni: Well, it might be interesting to have you maybe be a student of some school on the East Coast which gives you an in somewhere. Maybe FIP?

Cold: Ick. When’s the last time you seen FIP?

Oni: Er…when did Roddy have the FIP belt and make a big deal out of it in RoH?

Hustle: Like ’06, ‘07.

Oni: Yeah, then.

Cold: You watch it then or just remember him having the title in RoH?

Oni: …the…the uh, latter.

Cold: Well great.

Hustle: They don’t even have the talent deal with RoH anymore because of that falling out a while back.

Oni: Argh, fine. Maybe you work the RoH undercard to start. Some other no name indies. If people like you, we’ll see from there.

Missou: Seems like Joe and I are getting’ short-sticked.

Oni: Guys, the success of your characters doesn’t determine the fun you have in the game. You could rot in CZW for years and still have a ton of fun doing this, punching promoters or slapping greenhorns.

Missou: I suppose. If I rot anywhere, it’ll be in some small Texas fed, trading blows with Dundee until my heart stops.

Oni: You’re a true romantic.

Hustle: Anything else for us before we actually start wrestling?

Oni: Hrm. Well, some stuff can wait until you actually set up your first match and we hash out the normal shit there. I guess wrestling outfit?

Oni points to Hustle, then makes a circle with his pen

Oni: Just say what you wear normally and lemme know in a circle.

Hustle: Well, if I’m in FCW, looking to make it big and fly by on my charisma and bullshit I’ll probably just wear normal tights.

Oni: Long or short?

Hustle: Let’s go long. Got enough banana hammocks kicking around wrestling. Blue with a tribal print down the side. Oh damn, I got it. Have the tights say “Grade A” on the ass. No homo.

Oni: Ha! Clever. Man, you could really work that into a gimmick.

Missou: Lotta ways you could go with that.

Joe: Yeah. Your finisher could be called “Getting fucked in the ass by burly men”

Hustle: Fuck you, this is brilliant if a little gay.

Oni: Yeah, I’m behind this. This’ll give you something to work off of since you’re a promo hog.

Cold: Grade A?

Hustle: Grady, Grade A?

Cold: Ah.

Oni: Alright, set with Hus. Missou?

Missou: Short black tights, black kneepads and boots, black elbowpads. That’s it.

Oni: Wow Missou, he come to the ring in a vest and cowboy hat too?

Missou: You must be psychic.

Oni: Dammit dude, at least pretend you have a creative bone somewhere in your body.

Missou: I’m kidding. Mostly. He’ll wear the all black like I said. Nothing else. Very no nonsense. Might spice it up every now and again with some sort of name on the trunks or whatever. Breaks on the back.

Hustle: Not as good as Grade A.

Missou: You can corner the market on smart catchphrases, I’m fine over here with a name.

Joe: I dunno. Having “Breaks” on your ass is pretty funny.

Missou: Yeah yeah. Anyway, that’s all for me.

Oni: Great. “Black” Cold?

Cold: I’ll crib Matt Morgan. Dude’s inconsistent and generally terrible but he’s got the perfect big man look. And it’ll look all the cooler if I pull off some moonsaults when I’m cut like that.

Oni: Fair enough. Want anything written on your ass?

Cold: Nah. No gimmick yet. I’ll figure it out when I play. Just some generic design or something.

Oni: Boring, got you.

Cold: Ass.

Oni: Joe, you’re last.

Joe: Alright, Traviss has a couple outfits. If he’s new somewhere he always goes with the same thing though because the others won’t work unless the area knows him. So he wrestles in a flannel shirt with girl jeans on and a pair of Chucks with Japanese shinpads over them. No elbowpads. And he’s a ginger, got a mop of frizzy shit hair that looks like some rough trick jizzed in it and he slept on it. One of those fucking douche staches too, not like a Joey Ryan but the ones that sorta twirl? Like those fags have?

Oni: I see what you’ve been doing the last 10 minutes.

Joe: Now, that’s just his normal wear. Once he’s established in an area, he also has an old school singlet he wears. It’s real gay, a real nuthugger. White with three stars on it, along the front of his waist. He’ll have matching kneepads and elbowpads, like some amateur shit from the 50s.

Missou: Please tell me I get to work with him, because lord, I need to release some whupping on that boy.

Cold: Post some pain on a bitch.

Joe: Now, depending on what type of match it is he’ll also have other outfits. For instance, if it’s a hardcore match he’ll wear something Cactus Jack or Terry Funk, the beater or mucked up shirt with-

Oni glances over to Joe’s sheet, covered in renditions of his wrestler’s costumes

Oni: Did you draw all of them out?

Joe: What? Yeah, don’t interrupt.

Oni: Dude, I just need his starting outfit. We can get into all that later when he’s actually wrestling matches and it matters.

Joe: But I have 8 of these done and-

Oni: No no no no no. We’ll cross that bridge when you’ve outlined a model-scale replica of it. We have one more thing to get to before we play, something I can’t believe I forgot.

Hustle: What’s that?

Oni: Your finishers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

MissouriDragon: I already got mine in mind.

OniBarubary: I wait with bated breath. What is it, a clothesline? A punch? A piledriver?

Missou: No, none of that. It’s a heart punch.

Hustle: That’s a punch.

Missou: Alright, so technically it’s a punch. But it’s a heart punch. That’s worlds different than a normal punch.

Hustle: Yeah, it’s worlds worse. I don’t care if Killer Kowalski used it to literally kill a Von Erich, that kind of shit nowadays looks flat out ridiculous.

Cold: Was Ox Baker, actually.

Hustle: Fuckin’ whoever.

Missou: How’d you know that?

Oni: Yeah, I dunno Missou. With all the boxing and MMA I’ve watched I don’t recall too many people winning contests with blows to the chest. There’s a lot of goddam protection in front of your heart. That’s why people go for the stomach and jaw or temple or whatever.

Cold: Daizee Haze does it. Don’t see why he can’t if he’s 200 pounds heavier and a man.

Oni: It looks dumb when she does it too, I don’t care if SHIMMER marks jack off to it on repeat.

Missou: Well, can we figure a way he could do it to make it seem believable? He’s a huge guy, gotta be a way to do it.

Oni: If you’re set on it we could try. I’m not gonna forbid most stuff from this or you won’t have fun if I’m nixing left and right.

Uncle Joe: Nixed my zombie Benoit pretty quick.

Hustle: Except that.

Oni: Except Joe. Well, how did you wanna change it?

Missou: I’m not sure. I was thinking-here, stand up for a second.

Oni stands up as does Missou. Missou is a great deal taller than Oni, larger as well

Missou: You know how it’s set up, right? Hand behind head?

Oni: Yeah yeah, I got it.

Oni puts his right hand behind his head

Hustle: Wrong one, dumbass.

Oni: Whoops.

Oni switches hands

Missou: Now it’s normally just a straight, right?

Oni: I guess.

Missou holds Oni’s hand behind his head with his left hand and throws a slow moving fist into Oni’s chest, stopping before it hits

Missou: Like that.

Oni: Yes, we’re all pretty sure of what it’s like.

Missou: I still think it’s legit.

Missou throws a punch, light but still a punch into Oni’s chest. He no sells it

Oni: It’s a punch, it’s going to hurt. But not in a “fuck, my life is at an end” way. More of a “ow, what the fuck, that dude just punched me in the chest, that’s gonna bruise” way.

Missou: I wonder if I change the angle.

Oni: I don’t think it’s gonna do much-

Missou throws a punch off to the side, more under the arm and at the ribs. It is a fairly normal punch

Oni: Ow, dammit. That was almost my armpit-

Missou: See, it hurt? And I didn’t even throw it that hard.

Oni: Of course it’s gonna hurt, you’re throwing your hand at me, but we were talking about-

Missou: Well I just have to hit harder.

Missouri rears back further for another go at it

Oni: No! Dude, we’re not arguing if it hurts! I know it hurts!

Missou: I wasn’t gonna blast you, just show you that if I’m doing it half-ass and it hurts it could do some serious pain if a big guy really rocketed it into you.

Oni: Yes, but that’s no different than any ordinary punch. Hell, it’s nowhere near as effective as a punch to the jaw or stomach.

Missou: You mean I should do it to the stomach? Make it a stomach punch?

Oni: No, because it’s still-

This time Missou throws a light punch into Oni’s stomach, arm still behind head

Oni: Argh, fucking A stop that!

Missou: It’s just a normal punch. It doesn’t make any sense to put the hand behind the head. And if I drop it, it’s just a stomach punch.

Oni: That’s what I’ve been-ugh, ow-I’ve been saying. Even a stomach punch is effective without all the show. It’s not anything that’ll really-fuck man, ow-do some damage.

Missou: Hurt you none too badly.

Oni: Argh, you’re not getting it, it’ll hurt-

The argument continues for some time, while Hustle, Cold and even Joe watch

Hustle: This is far funnier than it has any right to be.

Cold: Think we should interject?

Joe: Hell no. I got 10 bucks on Missou knocking him out in the fifth.

Meanwhile, Oni has put Missou’s hand behind his head, standing on tip-toe to do so, and is making motions with his other hand

Oni: -and it doesn’t feel any different! Moving the arm out of the way doesn’t make you any more or less vulnerable. For example-

Oni throws a punch at Missou’s chest with more force than any of the ones Missou had sent his way. Missou blinks in reaction

Oni: -this isn’t any more effective than-

Oni pulls Missou’s hand down and out from behind his head, letting it hang limp at Missou’s side. With this done, he punches Missou; same chest location, same force

Oni: -this! See? It’s a stupid move.

Missou: Well then think of a way to make it better.

Oni: It’s a fucking punch! We’ve reached the apex of where it’s going in life. If you’re going to be throwing punches left and right anyway with Hoss McBeeftits then one more as a finisher will look dumb and no one will buy it!

Missou: The more you’re yapping the more I’m thinking about proving you wrong.

Oni: Yeah, punch me in the nipple, I’m sure I’ll go out like a light.

Missou: It’s not a shoot fight for crying out loud, it’s just gotta be believable.

Oni: And I’m saying it’s not believable that you could hold me down for a three count by fist-fucking my armpit.

Hustle: Does it have to be a punch?

Missou and Oni look over at Hustle, who has his hands steepled in front of his face, elbows on the table

Oni: So…what? A kick or forearm or something?

Missou: Didn’t think of that. Maybe an elbow or forearm could work.

Oni: I think that runs the same risk of nonsense; why hold the arm over the head if its going to do the same dam-

Missou grabs Oni’s hand and pulls it up and above again and this time stiffs a forearm shot into his ribcage

Oni: Oh sweet Jesus!

Cold leans in close to Hustle

Cold: You can stop this.

Hustle side-eyes Cold then looks to where Oni is in coughing hysterics

Hustle: Eh.

Oni: Agh, jeez. You gotta tell me when you’re *cough* gonna do that. Ow.

Missou: Forearm looks pretty good. Dunno if anyone’s done it like that.

Oni: I’d say *cough* it is very unlikely. Who else would – you didn’t have to hit me that damn hard *cough*.

Missou: Whoops.

Oni: Whoops my ass. *cough* Feels like Koslov headbutted me.

Missou: Waitaminute. That’s it!

Missou, inspiration flashing on his face, lifts Oni’s now weightless arm once more and with mounting horror in his eyes, Oni realizes what is going on

Oni: Dude, don’t-

Missou snaps his head forward and collides once more with Oni who stumbles back and hits the wall, leaning against it to keep standing

Missou: Perfect! This way, pulling the arm back makes sense because I’m winding up for a bigger and slower hit and it keeps them from defending themselves or tightening their guard or moving. This is it, I’m going with this.

Oni: I think I’m bleeding in my chest.

Hustle: Alright, we got a move for Missou finally. Pull Oni up and straighten him out so we can go on.

Missou does so, dumping Oni back in his chair and taking his own seat

Hustle: That fine with you?

Oni just nods meekly, trying to breathe again

Hustle: Got a name for it?

Missou: Heart Headbutt?

Joe: Heartbutt.

Missou: Awful. Maybe Heart Attack?

Cold: Pretty generic.

Hustle: There’s a ton of names for heart disorders or whatever. Just pick one, think too much on it and you’ll probably end up not liking it.

Missou: Cardiac Arrest will do me fine.

Hustle: Oni, you down?

Oni: (speaking softly) Fuck do I care what it’s called? Ow…

Missou: Cardiac Arrest it is, then.

(Another week down my friends. I may experiment a bit from here on out, as you can tell in this column. Expanding sections, maybe changing size of updates and when I update. The pacing for this is really throwing me off, as I've never had to do a weekly updated column or rather, a continuous ongoing. I'm a story/novel writer, I normally write it all and I'm done. Obviously won't work this way. So expect to see me alter how I tell it from now on, maybe giving it a unity of topic or make it a little slower paced.

Still, hope you cats are enjoying it come what may and look forward to more next week when we move onto Cold, Joe and Hustle's finishers!)

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net