(Short preamble this week, not much to say. It was either gonna be a short column or a long column today, and it turned out to be the former. Sorry bout that, but I had to make it one or the other to keep the pacing decent and lo and behold, Cold isn't a vociferous man as I am.)

Oni, soldiering onward with a collapsed lung, points his pen at Cold

Cold: My turn, I guess.

Hustle: If that isn’t a cry for help.

Cold: I was thinking a moonsault.

Hustle: That’s kinda boring.

Cold: Whatever. He’s a huge dude backflipping off the top.

MissouriDragon: I don’t see any problems. Vader did that shit.

OniBarubary: (softly) Course you don’t.

Missou raises an eyebrow

Missou: What was that?

Oni: You think a punch is a finisher.

Missou: No, I think adding eleven hundred flips to a fucking senton or elbow is a crock of shit. Completely kills any suspension of disbelief I got if you add a fucking backflip to a punch.

Oni: I don’t like it either cough but we’re not talking about Truth spinning 40 times and missing a simple kick, we’re talking about aerial moves and momentum.

Hustle: Nice to see you recover fast.

Oni: I’m a scrapper. Also, Missou hits like Mr. Anderson.

Missou: We can test my finisher again, if’n ya like.

Oni: I think I’m good.

Hustle: Oni’s got a point. High risk moves or moves from the top are fine with a couple flips here and there. It’s believable that they add momentum and make the landing more impactful. I don’t really see any problems with it.

Cold: Dude’s Matt Morgan size, not Evan Bourne size.

Hustle: So? Lesnar could do an SSP.

Uncle Joe: Uh…

Hustle: Sort of.

Cold: I dunno. If you got a big muck like me doing 630 splashes and 450s and standing reverse somersaults it’s gonna be too much.

Oni: I guess.

Cold: No really, man. If he uses some crazy flippy shit on he indies, it’ll make every smaller wrestler with that moveset look like garbage. If anyone kicks out of my shit, who’ll believe some jackoff weighing half as much as me could keep someone down?

Oni: It’s up to you dude, though I will say that your creation doesn’t have to follow proper wrestling or booking. That could be half the fun, being a giant Teddy Hart and dealing with all the sticky situations your character creates. If you make him the One Flippy Dude To Rule Them All then it could lead to some interesting backstage confrontations down the road or maybe a change in wrestling style for a promotion if you get mad over or something. Like how chairshots changed from being life-ending to handed out like hot dickings.

Joe: And then a finable offense.

Oni: Precisely. I mean, it could really go any way. We’re all bullshitting and arguing about our interpretations of wrestling and how we like to see it, and making a character based off what you enjoy is certainly the easy and enjoyable way to do it. But hell, you could have a ton of fun roleplaying someone like Hustle.

Hustle: Hey man, fuck you.

Oni: I meant your character.

Hustle: No, I know.

Cold: That’s fine. Maybe I’ll make some decisions like that down the road, but for now something simple is fine. I don’t wanna play my first character-

Joe: Second.

Missou: Damn, you keep popping up to snipe some comment.

Joe: I’m only half paying attention to you fags. I’m writing Traviss’ first promo.

Missou: Gotta admire your dedication.

Cold: Meanwhile, I don’t want to play my second wrestler in this game with crazy stuff happening already. Maybe when I’m more comfortable playing it.

Oni: Alright alright, I’ll lay off. So you going with a moonsault?

Cold: Change it to a top rope crossbody. Wrestler that size hurling himself at you is pretty damn believable.

Oni: I’ll say. Top-rope Crossbody it is. Got a name for it?

Cold: Didn’t think of one.

Oni: Got a name for your wrestler?

Cold: Didn’t think of one.

Oni: Christ. Well think of one or the other. Gimme something.

Joe: Yo, is he gonna do that Knox crossbody where he just threw himself at people? Cause that shit was hot.

Missou: Hell yeah, he flatlined Mysterio with one of those. Looked great. You could just use it as a signature every now and again.

Cold: Don’t see why not.

Oni: Why’s it always come back to Knox with you people?

Missou: We like Knox.

Joe: Yep.

Oni: …well, he is pretty boss.

Hustle: Pretty boss? Who talks like that anymore?

Cold: Call it the Knoxbody?

Hustle: That’s…a bit much.

Oni: How punny are we going for here, in relation to normal finisher names?

Cold: Not retarded but a little disability is fine.

Joe: The Iron Cross.

Oni, Cold, Missou and Hustle collectively: No.

Joe: Wasn’t he German or something?

Cold: Not even.

Oni: How about just calling it The Cross?

Cold: Sure. Makes it sound self-important.

Joe: Oh shit, you can saddle him with a priest gimmick and have him come out with altar boys and have them wait ringside at his matches and interfere and shit and then if he wins he walks to the back with his hands awkwardly on their shoulders and if he loses he promises to beat it out of their soft, supple bodi-

Cold: No. No. Don’t wanna hear it.

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net