(Short preamble this week, not much to say. It was either gonna be a short column or a long column today, and it turned out to be the former. Sorry bout that, but I had to make it one or the other to keep the pacing decent and lo and behold, Cold isn't a vociferous man as I am.)

Oni, soldiering onward with a collapsed lung, points his pen at Cold

Cold: My turn, I guess.

Hustle: If that isn’t a cry for help.

Cold: I was thinking a moonsault.

Hustle: That’s kinda boring.

Cold: Whatever. He’s a huge dude backflipping off the top.

MissouriDragon: I don’t see any problems. Vader did that shit.

OniBarubary: (softly) Course you don’t.

Missou raises an eyebrow

Missou: What was that?

Oni: You think a punch is a finisher.

Missou: No, I think adding eleven hundred flips to a fucking senton or elbow is a crock of shit. Completely kills any suspension of disbelief I got if you add a fucking backflip to a punch.

Oni: I don’t like it either cough but we’re not talking about Truth spinning 40 times and missing a simple kick, we’re talking about aerial moves and momentum.

Hustle: Nice to see you recover fast.

Oni: I’m a scrapper. Also, Missou hits like Mr. Anderson.

Missou: We can test my finisher again, if’n ya like.

Oni: I think I’m good.

Hustle: Oni’s got a point. High risk moves or moves from the top are fine with a couple flips here and there. It’s believable that they add momentum and make the landing more impactful. I don’t really see any problems with it.

Cold: Dude’s Matt Morgan size, not Evan Bourne size.

Hustle: So? Lesnar could do an SSP.

Uncle Joe: Uh…

Hustle: Sort of.

Cold: I dunno. If you got a big muck like me doing 630 splashes and 450s and standing reverse somersaults it’s gonna be too much.

Oni: I guess.

Cold: No really, man. If he uses some crazy flippy shit on he indies, it’ll make every smaller wrestler with that moveset look like garbage. If anyone kicks out of my shit, who’ll believe some jackoff weighing half as much as me could keep someone down?

Oni: It’s up to you dude, though I will say that your creation doesn’t have to follow proper wrestling or booking. That could be half the fun, being a giant Teddy Hart and dealing with all the sticky situations your character creates. If you make him the One Flippy Dude To Rule Them All then it could lead to some interesting backstage confrontations down the road or maybe a change in wrestling style for a promotion if you get mad over or something. Like how chairshots changed from being life-ending to handed out like hot dickings.

Joe: And then a finable offense.

Oni: Precisely. I mean, it could really go any way. We’re all bullshitting and arguing about our interpretations of wrestling and how we like to see it, and making a character based off what you enjoy is certainly the easy and enjoyable way to do it. But hell, you could have a ton of fun roleplaying someone like Hustle.

Hustle: Hey man, fuck you.

Oni: I meant your character.

Hustle: No, I know.

Cold: That’s fine. Maybe I’ll make some decisions like that down the road, but for now something simple is fine. I don’t wanna play my first character-

Joe: Second.

Missou: Damn, you keep popping up to snipe some comment.

Joe: I’m only half paying attention to you fags. I’m writing Traviss’ first promo.

Missou: Gotta admire your dedication.

Cold: Meanwhile, I don’t want to play my second wrestler in this game with crazy stuff happening already. Maybe when I’m more comfortable playing it.

Oni: Alright alright, I’ll lay off. So you going with a moonsault?

Cold: Change it to a top rope crossbody. Wrestler that size hurling himself at you is pretty damn believable.

Oni: I’ll say. Top-rope Crossbody it is. Got a name for it?

Cold: Didn’t think of one.

Oni: Got a name for your wrestler?

Cold: Didn’t think of one.

Oni: Christ. Well think of one or the other. Gimme something.

Joe: Yo, is he gonna do that Knox crossbody where he just threw himself at people? Cause that shit was hot.

Missou: Hell yeah, he flatlined Mysterio with one of those. Looked great. You could just use it as a signature every now and again.

Cold: Don’t see why not.

Oni: Why’s it always come back to Knox with you people?

Missou: We like Knox.

Joe: Yep.

Oni: …well, he is pretty boss.

Hustle: Pretty boss? Who talks like that anymore?

Cold: Call it the Knoxbody?

Hustle: That’s…a bit much.

Oni: How punny are we going for here, in relation to normal finisher names?

Cold: Not retarded but a little disability is fine.

Joe: The Iron Cross.

Oni, Cold, Missou and Hustle collectively: No.

Joe: Wasn’t he German or something?

Cold: Not even.

Oni: How about just calling it The Cross?

Cold: Sure. Makes it sound self-important.

Joe: Oh shit, you can saddle him with a priest gimmick and have him come out with altar boys and have them wait ringside at his matches and interfere and shit and then if he wins he walks to the back with his hands awkwardly on their shoulders and if he loses he promises to beat it out of their soft, supple bodi-

Cold: No. No. Don’t wanna hear it.

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OniBarubary: Well Joe, since you’re so eager to talk of offensive and disturbingly intricate gimmicks, perhaps you would grace us with your wrestler’s maneuver.

Uncle Joe: I didn’t think of one.

Oni: You truly pick and choose the oddest stuff to focus on.

Missou: The man just has his priorities. And fashion is one of them.

Hustle: I have grave concerns about any man who spends an inordinate amount of time on what pattern goes over his crotch.

Oni: Oh whatever. You guys gossiped like Jewish widows at a deli about my fucking suit.

Hustle: That’s different.

Oni: Fucking how?

Missou: Well for one, I’d hardly call that a suit.

Hustle: There’s nothing wrong with looking good.

Oni: I look fine!

Joe: Before you queers whip ‘em out and swordfight over who can argue about gayer shit, maybe you should think of finishers for me?

Hustle: Come again?

Oni opens his mouth, but Cold cuts him off

Cold: No homo.

Oni: Well poop. I thought I had that one.

Missou: The one time he gets it right and you couldn’t give it to him, Cold?

Cold just shrugs his shoulders and Oni pouts

Hustle: No no homo. Un-homo. Very homo, in fact. Why are we doing all the brainwork for you on this one? Don’t you care what his finisher is?

Joe: Not really. It’s all the same to me.

Hustle: For someone who’s worked out all the intricate details-

Missou peers over the now glutted paper, full of drawings and sentence fragments, making one side of the white sheet sublimated by black

Missou: Including how much stubble he has.

Joe: Well, it has to be the right amount to make it look like he keeps tabs on it but purposefully makes it look sketchy. I have to fully conceptualizes his douchebaggery-

Oni: His douchebaggocity.

Joe: His douchebaggocity to the right degree. I like that.

Oni: I find adding “ocity” onto the end of words to re-nounify them funnier sounding.

Joe: I’ll have to do that from now on.

Missou: For someone with a degree in English you sure make it your mission to butcher the poor thing as much as possible.

Oni: I have poetic license. It’s like a license to kill.

Cold: I’ve read some poetry that made me wanna kill.

Oni: I also have a license to ill and a fishing license.

Hustle: Jesus Christ, you guys are like sweaty teens walking by a pair of tits, sometimes. Anyways, for someone who’s worked out all the details about-

Oni: Whoa man, I am always down for a rocking pair of bombs.

Cold: Nothing wrong with tits.

Hustle: I’m not arguing about the - “rocking pair of bombs”? Seriously? First “pretty boss” and now this. Where’d you get your degree, 1985?

Oni: Why, my dear boy, I graduated top of my class at Harvard, ole bean. Gave those badgerly Yalies a what for while I was at it.

Hustle: As I was saying, Joe you’re real lazy for someone who puts in a lot of-

Missou: I doubt you’ve ever caught a fish, Oni, unless it was breaded and in stick form first.

Hustle: ARGH! Next one of y’all motherfuckers that interrupts me better learn how to talk to worms because that’s all you’ll be seeing in your short future. Now can we get back-

Joe: All this joking around is great, but can we please focus on my finisher? It’s time to get down to business.

Hustle: That’s it. I’m ripping out one of your ribs and stabbing you in the throat with it.

Oni: Alright alright Hustle. We got your point. Back on track, guys.

Missou: So why are we coming up with your finisher again?

Joe: You ballsacks watch a lot more American indy than I do. You’ll have a better idea of a visually or technically impressive move that indyfags would mark out for normally or look devastating on the circuit, made all the more enraging to people because he never actually lays credit to it and keeps building up his fake-ass leg drop or whatever.

Missou: See Hus, he had good reasoning behind it.

Hustle: (muffled, from where he now rests face down in the crease of his folded arms) Why didn’t he just say that?

Joe: No one let me.

Oni: Alright, before Hustle breaks a coconut over Joe’s head-

Hustle: (still muffled) Motherfucker.

Oni: -let’s think up something. Who’s the most indytastic guy you can think of?

Cold: Davey Richards.

Oni: You know, for all his faults, I don’t really think being overly technical or pushing complicated moves is on his dance card. I mean, what’s his signature move even?

Cold: No selling.

Oni: Besides that.

Cold: Dynamite Kidding himself.

Oni: Less wheelchair-bound.

Cold: Diving into the audience with fuck-all care of who he hits.

Oni: I said less wheelchair-bound.

Cold: Hitting fast forward on his latest puro tape to skip to the fighting spirit spot.

Oni: More psychology based.

Cold: We are talking about Davey Richards.

Oni: Oh, right. Then one of his moves that isn’t a kick.

Cold: Texas Cloverleaf.

Oni: See? That’s about as complex as it gets.

Missou: What was the point of that conversation?

Oni: I dunno, I forgot halfway through.

Cold: What about something like that funky powerbomb Generico does?

Oni: Oooo! Perfect! Just like that.

Missou: What is said “funky powerbomb”?

Oni: It’s a double pump-handle guillotine choke power bomb.

Missou: You uh…wanna run that by me again?

Oni: Trust me, it’s needlessly complicated. I love Generico and it fits him and its fun to see, but it’s real silly.

Missou: Guess I’ll look it up later.

Oni: Nah, you can just click on my description of it for a link.

Missou: What?

Oni: Nothing.

Cold: What about one of Quack’s Quackendrivers?

Oni: Even better.

Missou: I hesitate to ask, and feel safer in my decision to keep away from most indy garbage.

Oni: Yeah. It’s the kind of stuff people make up when they use finishers as normal wrestling moves. Which…is what it is. I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t mark out for a Barry White Driver or Awful Waffle every now and again. Shit’s fun to watch.

Missou: Well whatever, you two seem to have a good grasp of this shit, so I’ll just leave it to the experts.

Oni: Could we just give him one of those then?

Joe: Whatever guys, wrap it up, B.

Cold: Nah, we could make up something cool. Won’t take too much work.

Oni: Well, what’s a good starting position that we could use as the set up?

Cold: Something you don’t see often, like a Gory Special.

Oni: How about…from a pumphandle position?

Cold: Sure. Not too many pumphandles anymore. Normal set up, one arm under, other wrapped around?

Oni: How about both under?

Cold: Still to the side, or in a power bomb set up like Generico or Delirious?

Oni: To the side. Don’t think I’ve ever seen a side double pump.

Missou: That sounds like a bad porn move.

Joe: I’m positive I’ve seen a side double pump in this bukkake video I saw.

Cold: So what do we do from that position?

Oni: Well, we obviously have to pull the arms, so that the guy receiving it flips out of it.

Cold: Onto his back?

Oni: No, that’s a tad too boring. If you pull up on the arms, or out, you could get them to rotate more couldn’t you? Since it would just be like…the other half of a somersault and you’d be supporting them by pulling.

Cold: Sure. Where would you go from there?

Oni: I dunno. Now that I think about it, there’s not much you can do after. I mean he’s just spinning around and gonna hit the mat face-first instead.

Cold: Can he do anything before his opponent hits the mat?

Oni: There’s not a lot he can do; by pulling up and out he’s the base that lets the other dude flip safely and not break his neck. If he drops to a sitting position, it’s like a sideways shitty pumphandle driver. That’s kinda weak.

Cold: Does he have to drop down?

Oni: Maybe? I dunno what he can do standing, other than…oh! Oh oh oh!

Cold: Got something?

Oni: Oh hell yes. What if he drops to a knee?

Cold: And?

Oni: And that’s it. The dude is spun around and ends up falling towards the mat face-first and then the guy drops to a knee and sticks it out. So it’s like a pumphandle GTS!

Cold: Go over it in full so I can see it.

Oni: Alright, Traviss puts both his opponents arms under his crotch and holds them there with both hands, like he was gonna do a Pumphandle Driver or powerbomb. He pulls the arms upwards and towards him so the guy can flip further and land on his feet or just be parallel face-first to the ground. As he does this, he drops to a knee and the guy crashes face-first into the knee. Boom!

Cold: Boom is right. I’m pretty sure that’ll get someone killed.

Joe: I’ll take it. If I roll a 1 on my finisher attempt, can I put someone in a coma?

Oni: Sure.

Hustle: (muffled, yet again) You’re a monster. Both of you.

Missou: I feel like complimenting you would condone your idea, so let’s just give it a name and ignore it until we have to use it.

Joe: No name. That’ll piss people off even more, that he doesn’t even care about it enough to give it a name.

Missou: So what’s his leg drop called?

Joe: King of Limbs.

Oni: Wow.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

OniBarubary: Before Joe finds some other way to implicate anything else I do as being hipster, let’s finish this circle jerk with Hus.

Hustle: Bring it, bitches. I’m Stonewall Jackson and you’re the South rising against me. Gimme your best shots.

MissouriDragon: You fucked it up, son. Jackson was the Confederate General.

Hustle: Same difference. Our History class was asking an old Samoan how far back he could remember anyways.

Missou: Well, if there’s a second Civil War feel free to send your army of seagulls carrying coconuts at us. Then you can raze our land and salt the earth so nothing grows back.

Hustle: We’ll just do that to your women.

Oni: I’m betting you have enough crotch-rats scampering around already that a few more to the pile won’t cause you to rethink your alimony avoidance.

Uncle Joe: Just pay it off by getting a show on VH1. “Hustle’s Hussies.” Or “You’re Telling Me I Gotta Raise These Rape Babies?!”

Hustle: Cute.

Joe: TV Execs need to get ringing me. I got a million of ‘em.

Oni: What do you have in mind for Grade A?

Hustle: Well, I don’t have a move specifically but I do have an idea in line with his character.

Cold: What is his character?

Hustle: I meant his concept. I’m still rolling his character around in my mind.

Joe: Fag.

Oni: No homo?

Hustle: Nah, Joe already cut in. Doesn’t work if it’s after something like that.

Oni: Son of a bitch. I’m never gonna get this.

Cold: There there.

Hustle: The whole concept with him was that he’s pretty much preened for the WWE’s style of wrestling and “entertainment”

Missou: Someone needs to come down on them for false advertisement. I been watching that shit for months now and I ain’t been entertained half as much as they say that damn word.

Oni: You get entertained by Superstars.

Missou: Well, I try to think of it as some sort of bastard offshoot that they forgot about. Like WWE is the parent company and Superstars is outsourced to decent wrestlers.

Oni: Sorta how Madhouse has A teams and B teams making their anime and you can tell the difference between who did which show because of how much of a drop in animation quality and effort or budget is readily apparent.

Missou: Imma pretend I understood that and say yes, just so you don’t go off and explain any of that jibbery-joo.

Cold: Since WWECW got cut it’s the only real hour of wrestling we get anymore.

Missou: Damn shame it is. So Hus, your boy’s gotta have a finisher that screams WWE?

Hustle: Yes. Nothing super indy like a driver or anything cool. Something you’ll see for the first time and go “Huh? It’s over? Was that his finisher?” and start clapping when he’s halfway up the aisle, as unsatisfying as a virgin giving head.

Joe: It’s pretty funny to see them struggle though.

Hustle: Too true, they have to - wait, what?

Oni: Darn, I was hoping we could brainstorm another crazy move.

Hustle: No thanks, I think killing someone in the ring would be frowned upon by most within the E. Might hurt my chances a bit.

Oni: Or it could get you signed to a multi-zero deal after the fact, convicted of gainful employment and a championship win despite having the entertainment value of moss fucking.

Missou: I don’t think that’s possible.

Hustle: I was thinking something along the lines of the Paydirt or Zig Zag or one of those awful moves. Something that if you think about it for more than a second makes zero sense.

Cold: Why don’t those make sense?

Hustle: Because you have the person delivering it taking most of the bump. You’re basically rock-bottoming yourself or back suplexing yourself. All the victim gets is like…a normal bump. Maybe if they fell into a DDT or something it’d make sense, but it’s just so dumb as it is. Beyond the fact it doesn’t even look particularly impressive or important enough to differentiate it from any other move. Edge had that lame pull back counter that was the same thing and how many people did he ever put away with it?

Joe: Was that his move at some point?

Hustle: Maybe. Point still stands. I want it to be something like that, not a move with a big pop chance like the RKO or Sweet Chin Music.

Missou: Can it be as awkward as all the Stroke variations?

Hustle: Sure, something with an awkward set up time is fine.

Oni: The Playmaker?

Hustle: No. Fuck you for even suggesting that.

Missou: Go sit in the time-out corner.

Joe: Meet halfway and use a generic heel intro move that they give to every midcard heel that goes nowhere. Reverse Swinging Neckbreaker all the way.

Hustle: That’d be apt but I want a little more creativity going into this.

Joe: Creative mediocrity?

Hustle: Sort of.

Joe: Don’t know why you’re making the effort then. Seems a waste.

Cold: Agreed. Get into the WWE mindset if you’re gonna play this guy the WWE way.

Hustle: And that mindset is?

Cold: Lazy and taking the safe route. Fuck interesting, man, just go for what’s easy.

Hustle closes his eyes and seems to concentrate for a bit

Hustle: Reverse Bulldog.

Cold: The student has become the master.

Joe: The hell’s a reverse bulldog?

Hustle: Standing face to face, he jumps up at his opponent, wrapping his arm around their neck and falling to a seated position as they fall backwards, headlocked.

Joe: That’s real dumb.

Missou: It has the potential to be decent if he runs at you from the ropes or just gets a bit of a start on it.

Hustle: Nope.

Missou: Nope?

Hustle: Nope. It’ll always be from a standing position in front, no momentum. Just up and forward. Safe, can be done on bigger guys and is just a normal back bump for them.

Missou: Well shoot. That’s…disappointing.

Hustle: Yep.

Hustle has a wide grin on his face

Oni: I’m glad you’re so proud at your awful idea.

Hustle: Damn straight.

Cold: Think I saw that grapple in Final Fight or Street Fighter or some shit.

Hustle: The only streets Grade A will fight in are the pre-approved streets of the WWE.

Oni: Which is to say, the ring and arena floor and occasionally the concession stand if it’s really “hardcore”

Hustle: Those are some mean streets, man. If you’re not careful, you’ll get cut.

Oni: If you blade.

Missou: No, they cleaned the streets up. You can’t do that anymore.

Oni: A neighborhood where I can’t cut my forehead with a razor is one I don’t want to live in.

Missou: So move to TNA. I’m almost certain they put a monthly quota in their contracts that you have to fill; 3 bladings a month. Unless you’re Flair, then it’s 3 an Impact.

Joe: His forehead looks like a post-op tranny’s cooch.

Cold: Dank.

Oni: Bleeds a lot more though.

Cold: Why’d I sit here? Getting you niggas on stereo is killing me.

Missou: Hustle, what’s your move called, before Cold stretches these fools out.

Hustle: Prime Cut.

Missou: Grade A, Prime Cut. I get it. That’s terrible.

Joe: More roast beef jokes?

Oni: Can’t call it the Beef Curtains? I think that’d lead to good promos. “You better watch out, cause Grade A is gonna close the Beef Curtains on you!”

Hustle: Prime Cut works that way too. “When you mess with Grade A, you get the Prime Cut.” Sorta like that.

Oni I like mine better.

Hustle: I was going to call it the Mickie James Spread, originally.

Oni: Hey, she is a lady. And you will treat her as such.

Hustle: She did a photoshoot where she rubbed her panties in a dude’s face and stepped on his taint with a high-heel, all while naked.

Oni: So? There are ladies who do that. Expensive ladies.

Hustle: Prime Cut works. I’m keeping it. Besides, if it comes down to it, you’ll probably have WWE change it if he gets signed so no skin off my nuts.

Missou: At the rate you’re going, you’ll be FCW champ within the month.

(Well folks, that's 3 weeks down. Hope you're still enjoying it and liking all the chapters. If the quality is off or they seem less funny, it's because I wrote the last one on a train. Or someone else wrote it. Whichever releases me from blame. See you next week!)

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net