Highlights:

The WWE celebrated the permanent neutralization of Osama Bin Laden

The Rock celebrated his birthday in style.

A superb WWE Title Match between John Cena and The Miz greatly surpassed their Wrestlemania effort.

Mason Ryan was given an Ezekiel Jackson-styled push by Kane.

Match summary:

R Truth v. John Morrison: No contest.

Maryse v. Kelly Kelly: No contest.

John Cena defeated The Miz by disqualification.

Rey Mysterio / Kofi Kingston defeated Jack Swagger / Drew McIntyre by pinfall.

Kane defeated Mason Ryan by disqualification.

The Rock’s Birthday celebrity well-wishers

Sprinkled throughout the two-hour broadcast, the celebrities who wished The Rock a Happy Birthday and tried to be funny, with varying success, were as follows:
LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, with LeBron attempting an “If ya smell…what the Rock…is cookin’.
Jimmy Kimmel
Paul Walker, who said to tell Fruity Pebbles that, even though the Rock is a year older, he can still see just fine.
Samuel L. Jackson
Steve Carrell, who was issuing a birthday statement for no money and under duress.
Ellen Degeneres, who debuted a some catch-phrases of her own, including “Can you taste this? Do you think it went bad?”
Tyler Perry (and Medea)
Ludacris
Dan Marino, who showed The People’s Eyebrow
George Lopez, tried some mediocre jokes about coupons but was clever in drawing the People’s eyebrow on his head with a permanent marker
Regis and Kelly
Craig Ferguson

Opening segment

The opening video montage was a patriotic tribute to the very recent “permanent neutralization” of Osama Bin Laden. The montage showed still shots of the 9/11/2001 destruction, including the World Trade Center billowing with smoke, fatigued fire fighters, and photos of The Pentagon. A young-looking President Bush 43, from his desk at the oval office, told America what happened and that America had been attacked. Next, it showed highlights from the 9/13/2001 Thursday night Smackdown from Houston—the first public assembly in the U.S. after the 9/11 attacks, including snippets of McMahon’s opening speech to the Houston crowd and a patriotic clip of a scruffy-looking, long-haired Bradshaw in his Acolyte Protection Agency t-shirt.

To begin the live broadcast, the National Anthem was sung by the always-elegant and powerfully-voiced Lillian Garcia. Her rendition was followed by deafening chants of “USA, USA, USA.”

The nearly half-hour opening promo belonged to the Birthday Boy—The Rock. The Rock took his sweet time getting to the ring and then showed a seemingly new hand gesture to the fans from all four turnbuckles. As Rock stood in the middle of the ring and took a moment, my closed captioning read, “A little overwhelmed.” Rock started by saying, “We got’em.” Rock thanked the proud men and women who are constantly serving us, gave a shout out to Seal Team Six specifically, and then led the crowd in the “Pledge of Allegiance.” The crowd seemed to know the words…or at least enough of them. It sounded like people reciting the Apostle’s Creed in church.

The Rock then ran through a “this-is-my-life” summary. From the day the Rock burst out of the womb, his name was definitely Johnson. In high school, he looked like the lead singer of Menudo. When the crowd laughed at the picture that was shown, Rock admonished the crowd that that face ate more pie in one night than King Kong Bundy in a Polish pie factory. At “The U”, the Rock was #94 on the field but was #1 in our hearts, and he brought the National Championship to Miami. Then, the Rock moved on to the WWE. When the Rock began his “If ya smell….,” he was interrupted by the anonymous GM’s e-mail alert.

Michael Cole smugly stood up on the desk in his protective case, plugged his I-pad, and then started to read his e-mail until The Rock cut him off and invited him into the ring. After some goading related to Cole’s manhood, Cole told Rock that he is not the same man that The Rock used to embarrass several years ago. He is a winner. The crowd punctuated Cole’s rant with its usual “WHAT!?” Cole then got a huge pop when he revealed that he was wearing a #5 Kevin Garnett jersey. Cole entered the ring. Cole said that the GM wants the Rock to apologize for embarrassing the GM at Wrestlemania, and Cole added that he wanted a personal apology. Rock agreed. Rock sincerely apologized and reached out his hand to Cole, who took it. After holding the handshake for a few seconds, Rock looked at the Celtics jersey, shook his head, and then proceeded to Rock Bottom Michael Cole, to the delight of the crowd. The Rock then delivered a People’s Elbow.

Once the Rock’s music started, the Rock said to cut the music. The Rock introduced Mr. 305, Pitbull, who came to the top of the entrance ramp. “Mr. Worldwide,” flanked by the Miami Heat girls, then sang a live medley of some of his current hits. Pitbull is “305 ‘till I die. Da le!”

After commercial, Jim Ross and his hand splint joined the announce team.

R Truth v. John Morrison

Almost as soon as Morrison stepped down the entrance ramp, R-Truth ambushed him from behind. Truth knocked him into the barricade along the entryway. By the ring, Truth delivered his opposite-of-the-Rock-Bottom finishing move that I wish he would name. Morrison sold it well. The referees separated the two men, and Truth made his way to the top of the entrance. Truth had some great facial expressions at this point, and they earned comments from Lawler and Ross for being so crazed and demented. When the referees brought Morrison up the entrance ramp, Truth emerged again and delivered his finish onto the steel grated surface of the ramp. Commentator Josh Matthews iterated that, if R Truth wanted to send a message to Morrison, then Message delivered. The match never got underway.

Maryse v. Kelly Kelly

Shortly after the match started and a sorta-bulldog by Kelly Kelly, Kharma came out to the ring. Once in the ring, Kharma visibly thought about which of the two divas to whom she was going to administer a beat-down. She chose Maryse. Kharma picked up Maryse and did her finish, which started like a Pedigree and finished like an Arn Anderson Gourdbuster. Kharma gazed at Kelly Kelly, who sat in the corner and looked petrified. Kharma left the ring, showing an unsightly set of chicklets in her mouth. So far, Kharma has only administered beat-downs on diva heels. The match ended in no contest.

Backstage, the Miz sat in the locker room. A-Ri came in, and Miz found fault with A-Ri for not “being there” last night. A-Ri said that it wasn’t his fault because he got drafted to Smackdown. Miz didn’t care, because A-Ri’s personal services contract with the Miz trumps the WWE draft. Miz is the only reason why A-Ri is even in the WWE. Ouch. Regardless, A-Ri will be at ringside tonight for the Miz’ rematch with Cena, and the Miz will once again become the WWE Champion.

Backstage, The Rock celebrated his birthday with other WWE Superstars, who one-by-one congratulated him. Vladimir Kozlov came over to The Rock and said he had a present for the Rock—a movie script. Out came Santino Morella, dressed as The Rock’s character from $80Million-grossing Fast Five. Morella declared, “It makes me furious when people go too fast.” Then, Hornswaggle came out dressed as The Scorpion King. Then, the triumvirate was completed by The Great Khali, dressed as the tooth fairy. Khali declared, “You can’t handle the tooth.” The Rock was amused and then turned to his left. Who was there? Ron Simmons, the Rock’s former Nation of Domination ringleader. Simmons just looked at the spectacle, rolled his eyes, waited, and then, “DAMN!” Epic bit, and now both APA members were represented on the show. Epic!

WWE Title Match

John Cena v. The Miz

Both contestants made their entrances, and then the match announcements were made. The match began with a lock-up. Headlock by Miz. Cena an Irish Whip, with a high hip toss of The Miz after bouncing off the ropes. Two count. The two exchange punches in the corner. A-Ri climbed the ring apron, and Cena knocked him off, giving the Miz an opportunity to take advantage with a series of punches. Miz threw Cena through the ropes out to the floor and then distracted the referee so that A-Ri can take a cheap shot. Miz, out on the floor now, whipped Cena’s shoulder into the steel steps. Miz threw Cena back into the ring and secured a near-fall. Crowd began the dual chant of “Let’s Go Cena….Cena SUCKS!” Cena, sitting in the corner of the ring now, fell victim to the Miz’ trademark running clothesline. The Miz hit what looks like an old-school double axe-handle off the top ropes and earns a near-fall. After returning from commercial, the Miz hit a neck breaker and earned a near fall. Miz appeared frustrated. Miz delivered a series of kicks and punches to Cena in the corner and was separated from Cena by the referee’s four-count. Cena looked fatigued. Miz continued to stomp. Miz then set up for his running clothesline to the corner, but Cena dodged it. Cena hit his two shoulder blocks, his suplex, gave his “You can’t see me” signal, and delivered the five-knuckle shuffle. Cena attempted an Attitude Adjustment, but Miz countered with what Jim Ross called a “difference-making” kick to the head. Miz bounced off the ropes and went for a kick to a seated Cena, who avoided the kick and was then able to cinch in the STF. A-Ri encouraged the Miz from outside. Luckily, Miz was close enough to the ropes to reach them and break the hold. Miz then hit a DDT and earned a close two-count. A frustrated Miz then walks over to one of the corners and removes the turnbuckle padding. Miz tried to ram Cena’s head into the corner, but Cena blocked it. Cena attempted another Attitude Adjustment, but Miz grabbed the top rope with both hands. Miz then hit his back breaker-neck breaker combo. Close two-count. Miz looked up in disbelief, and Jim Ross and Lawler also couldn’t believe it. Miz attempted a Skull Crushing Finale, but Cena countered by knocking Miz back into the ropes. Miz was knocked into referee Mike Chioda, who was knocked through the ropes and out of the ring. Cena cinches in the STF. Miz taps, but there was no referee to acknowledge it. A-Ri entered the ring. Cena lifts A-Ri for an Attitude Adjustment. A vulnerable Cena was then hit in the stomach by the Miz with the briefcase. Skull Crushing Finale. Miz covered, but Chioda was still outside the ring. A-Ri helped Chioda into the ring. Chioda began his count. 1…2…Cena got his shoulder up at the last possible moment. Cena then hit a very sudden Attitude Adjustment on the Miz. Miz amazingly kicked out just before the three-count. Miz then grabbed the WWE Championship belt and hit Cena with it while A-Ri distracted the referee. 1..2..3. Chioda declared the Miz the winner, and The Miz was announced as the new WWE Heavyweight Champion. As the dust settled, though, Chioda noticed the WWE Championship lying in the center of the ring, wondered how it got there, and then reversed his decision, declaring John Cena the winner by DQ…and still the WWE Champion. Cena then celebrated by clothes-lining both Miz and A-Ri and then delivering an Attitude Adjustment to A-Ri. Winner by DQ: John Cena.

The next segment showed video footage of the end of Extreme Rules, when John Cena announced to all the fans in attendance that U.S. forces had “compromised to a permanent end” Osama Bin Laden. Cena was proud to be an American.

Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston v. Drew McIntyre and Jack Swagger

“El Orgullo de Mexico” Alberto Del Rio came out to the ring in a $350,000 Rolls Royce Phantom and was dressed in an appropriate-for-Miami Sonny Crocket white casual suit with turquoise button-down shirt. Jim Ross noted that $350,000 can get you a nice ranch in Oklahoma. As they began the announcements for the match contestants, Del Rio was shown seated comfortably at the announce table. When Swagger and McIntyre made their entrance, McIntyre straddled Swagger while Swagger did his push-ups. Weird…and reminiscent of Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo. The action of the match was forgettable. Each superstar hit their typical moves. The heels isolated one of the faces on the heel-side of the ring until the face could make the tag. The most interesting aspect of the match was Del Rio’s presence at the announce table. Del Rio sat there silently for a while until prompted by questions from Jim Ross and Lawler. Del Rio commented that Swagger and
Drew were real fighters and that he was supporting them. Del Rio was asked about last night’s ladder match. Del Rio said that he should be World Champion but the “perro escheroso” Edge ruined it for him. When asked about Mysterio being drafted to Raw, Del Rio answered that he is not happy about it because he was told that he would be the only Mexican on Raw. When asked if he was jealous that Mysterio was possibly more famous than him, Del Rio countered that Mysterio is a Chicano and a disgrace—not a Mexican. The match ended when Kofi hit a Trouble in Paradise on Drew McIntyre, knocking him into 619-receiving position. Mysterio then delivered the 619, followed up with his top-rope arched-back splash, and covered him for the 1-2-3. Del Rio got up from his chair and attempted to enter the ring post-match, but Mysterio greeted him with a drop kick, knocking Del Rio back to the floor. Winners by pinfall: Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston.

In the next segment, WWE promoted its Anti-Bullying efforts and an event that took place in Washington, D.C. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon attended the event. Many celebrities (the ever-beautiful Alyssa Milano, the guy from American Pie, and the guy who’s the funny assistant on Thirty Rock) made favorable comments about the anti-bulling movement and WWE’s participation in it. Triple H also provided his opinion on the matter.

Backstage, the Rock continued celebrating. Vickie interrupted, and she and Dolph entered the frame. Dolph complained again that he can’t eat cake or cake-like items, but he knows that the Rock likes pie; so Dolph had a gift. Next to Dolph was a gigantic cake that could have fit King Kong Bundy inside it. Inside, however, was Mae Young, dressed in a bathing suit and pageant ribbon. Rock knew what they were trying to do, but he did not appreciate it. The Rock called Dolph and Vickie out, told Vickie that she could lose all the weight in the world, but she’d never be as beautiful as Mae Young. The Rock then welcomed Mae Young, said she looked great, and planted a nice kiss on her mouth. I guess there’s someone for everyone. After kissing Mae Young, the Rock turned around. CENA was there, holding his WWE Championship. Cena said that he brought a gift, and The Rock can only get this gift from Cena. Cena will keep the WWE Championship until
Wrestlemania. If the Rock wants it, then The Rock has to go through Cena. Rock glared at Cena and told him to “Just Bring It.” Cena left, and The Rock pondered the situation.

Mason Ryan v. Kane

This was the final match of the evening, which showed a huge push for Mason Ryan. Ryan dominated Kane in each of the first two lock-ups. Kane could not knock over Mason Ryan with a shoulder block off the ropes. Ryan then hit a big scoop slam on Kane. Lawler commented that Mason Ryan has muscles in places that Josh Matthews doesn’t even have places. Jim Ross quipped that Lawler copyrighted that joke in 1999. Kane eventually turned the tide of the match, but CM Punk interfered, resulting in a disqualification. Otunga and McGillicutty ran down to the ring to attach Kane, but Kane knocked them both off the ring apron. Kane then attempted to choke-slam Ryan. Ryan stood there and slowly peeled Kane’s fingers back, leading to Ryan hitting a Rock-Bottom on Kane. A four-on-one Nexus beatdown of Kane commenced…until Big Show came to the ring and cleared three of them from the ring. Mason Ryan then hit a spear on Big Show, who received and sold it
well. Mason Ryan then left the ring and headed up the entrance ramp, with a confused CM Punk and other Nexus members looking at him from just outside the ring.

Main Event:

The Rock’s birthday celebration concluded. The Rock came out to the ring. Fans along the entrance ramp were wearing birthday hats. When the Rock reached the center of the ring, he began by thanking every single person in attendance who helped to make this one of the best nights of The Rock’s life. The Rock continued by thanking his family and the WWE. The Rock said that he was a proud Hurricane. Oddly, this drew some boos from the crowd and caused The Rock to look sideways at the fans, and it reminded me about comedian Todd Barry’s stand-up when he was heckled by a Florida State alum who wanted all people to attend only one school. The Rock promised Miami that Wrestlemania XXVIII would be the best ever.

Then, Vince McMahon’s music began. McMahon strutted out to the top of the entrance ramp, thanked the Rock for letting all of us share his birthday with him, and told the story of a young Rock asking McMahon for an opportunity to bring the company to new heights. McMahon said the The Rock did just that. McMahon thanked The Rock for his respect, passion, humanity, love of life, and devotion. Most of all, McMahon just thanked the Rock for being The Rock. McMahon had a little gift prepared, and it was a video montage of The Rock’s youth, college days, and WWE career…to include photos of a young Duane Johnson with old-school stars like Andre the Giant and Classy Freddie Blassie. Then, Maya and her blue eye shadow led the audience in singing Happy Birthday to the Rock.

The Rock continued thanking his family, the WWE, Team Bring It, and concluded with “IF Ya Smell……..what the Rock….is….cookin’.”

Political convention-styled streamers, confetti, and balloons rained down. The pyrotechnics went off without igniting any of the streamers or confetti. The crowd continued to cheer for The Rock, and the credits began to roll.

Source: wrestlingtruth.com