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Note from Rey Ca$h: Hey guys. This is column is a joint venture between fellow Main Pager Morpheus and myself. This was a feature in LOP Magazine, but that venture is pretty much obsolete at this point. I'll get into what happened with that another day, but for now, the LOP Magazine project is over. Anyway, Lords of the Roundtable is a roundtable discussion with a few of LOP's best and brightest writers. Enjoy!

Rey Ca$h: You guys ready?

Morpheus: Where the FUCK is SkitZ?

Rey Ca$h: He's been replaced by a younger, cuter, better Texan.

Romeo: #pause

Rey Ca$h: Wait, yea.

I talked you up Mavsy boy! Take that love!

Morpheus: We now know what you pay Ca$h for.

Rey Ca$h: LOL

Current Big Thing: Man Dicks

That's what.

Rey Ca$h: That blatant?

Romeo: LOL! Man dicks.

Morpheus: As opposed to, say , possum cock?

Rey Ca$h: So I'm glad Mavsy didn't get my homo love rant for him.

Mavsman: I did, and it's very appreciated. But not reciprocated

Romeo: Homo Love Rant. Sounds like a band name

Rey Ca$h: That band Filipino Ro? I can see them headlining Manila.

Current Big Thing: That band would give Rey a whole new idea of a "Thrilla in Manila".

Rey Ca$h: So lewd.

Ro: LOL

Current Big Thing: By the way, Ro, is that where the envelopes come from?

Mavsman: Ba tum dish.

Rey Ca$h: Such a CBT joke.

Romeo: I don't think so. I've always wondered the same thing.

Morpheus: For the record, my box of envelopes says "Made in Hong Kong".

Current Big Thing: It seems that even the Flips outsource to China.

Wait, can we not say "Flips" or something?

Romeo: No.

Current Big Thing: Is that bad?

Morpheus: LOL @ flips. LOL @ Ro's kickbox to the face for saying flips.

Current Big Thing: Should I shelve any nigger jokes that might be waiting in the wings?

Rey Ca$h: No, PLEASE go forth with those CBT. I'd LOVE to hear those…

Morpheus: And we're off to a rousing start. Gentlemen, and any ladies with questionable taste out there who might be reading, welcome once again to the Lords of the Roundtable. We're back again with some hot topics this month, and to kick it all off, we have the man who has been referred to by many as the Black Al Sharpton, brother Rey Ca$h.

Rey Ca$h: What's good LOP Mag? As you can see, we're not on point yet, but hell, are we ever? Anyway, before we get started, it's only right that I introduce who's going to talk nonsense with me and MMCI today. First off, it's the "Thrilla from Manila," or somewhere in the Philippines, Romeo!

Romeo: Thank you, thank you, and yes, Ceebs, I hate that term. I’m finally glad to be here after I begged, pleaded, and probably offered to fellate just to get in one edition of this roundtable.

Morpheus: Offered? More like delivered. I'm a money-in-hand kind of tyrant. Welcome, sugar.

Current Big Thing: Ha! Cause he's from a sugar exporting country.

Rey Ca$h: Damn Ro, you wouldn't have to have sucked me off to get in this. Morph, maybe, but not me. Next up, is the man from deep in the heart of Texas, Mavsman!

Mavsman: Unlike some, I didn't necessarily want to be in this roundtable. Wrong place, wrong time I suppose. Nonetheless, I'm here so we might as well make the best of it.

Morpheus: You best quit whining and make with the head, Mavsy. Quick, before you're legal!

Mavsman: Too late...

Rey Ca$h: Morph said it best. Finally, we have one of the current editors of LOP Magazine, the current big thing, Current Big Thing!

Current Big Thing: Well, I'm here this time. That's good. Rey did the last one in secret and whatnot, and I only found out about it because it showed up for me to edit. Bastard.

Morpheus: To be fair, we were trying to do it for about 3 or 4 months before it finally got off the ground. In the original, unaired pilot, I made ChrisBear pink! Ha!

Rey Ca$h: Not to be confused with Pnk

Morpheus: Or Pink.

Rey Ca$h: Well to start this shindig, I think that it's only right that we mention the biggest monent of the month. How about that Royal Wedding guys?!

Current Big Thing: I thought Elizabeth died at Lex Luger's house...

Mavsman: Oh did that happen already? I must have missed it while I was living my normal everyday life and not giving a shit about "royalty."

Morpheus: Poor Lex. Never gets any respect. And what Royal Wedding?

Rey Ca$h: Osama and the AK.

Current Big Thing: USA! USA! USA!

Morpheus: What does Osama have to do with Alaska?

Rey Ca$h: What does Alaska have to do with this conversation?

Morpheus: Why the fuck is this conversation so confusing?

Mavsman: He was plotting to blow up the Eskimos.

Rey Ca$h: Damn al Qaeda.

Mavsman: And/or Sarah Palin. America would have wept for one and cheered for the other.

Current Big Thing: I was going to say he tried to hide out there, but his brown ass stuck out against the snow.

Morpheus: You said Osama and AK, Rey... Never mind. It was a postal code joke. Those never work out right.

Current Big Thing: I got it, M.

Romeo: I got nothing.

Current Big Thing: I know my state abbreviations.

Rey Ca$h: OK, guys. Let's get serious, if that's possible. I recently had a pretty heated argument with Ro about Christian's title situation. What do you guys think about what happened?

Morpheus: Bollocks. Bollocks, I say!

Romeo: Ha! It wasn't really heated. More like... I was agitated, and you weren't.

Rey Ca$h: Ro, you were damn near foaming at the mouth.

Morpheus: Ladies, not in front of the children!

Romeo: I was not. I wasn't that angry

Rey Ca$h: Was too!

Romeo: I mean I was pissed but I was trying to be civil.

Morpheus: I saw the slap mark on Rey's face. You tiger.

Romeo: In fact, I willingly backed off just to not start an angry exchange.

Rey Ca$h: I know man. It was pretty heated for a second though.

Romeo: The story and all that is in my latest column, currently getting buried as always in the CF.

Current Big Thing: I think it's wrestling. You had a guy who waited a long time to get his due and he finally got it. So he lost in his first defense. Big deal. It took Ray Bourque over twenty years to win a Stanley Cup, and he only got to bring it home for a day.

Rey Ca$h: No hockey references, CBT. We eventually want to get to 30 readers one day.

Romeo: But that would be okay if wrestling wasn't scripted.

Mavsman: Personally, I don't have a problem with it. I think it was clearly a panic move from the WWE. Edge went down, and they felt they needed someone who could bring stability to the title picture while they figured it out. Christian, having never been a legitimate main eventer in the WWE, was not that person. Looking across the roster of both brands, it made sense to move Orton to Smackdown to win the title, a la Kurt Angle in '06 after Batista's injury. The WWE couldn't just throw Orton in the ladder match at Extreme Rules however, so we instead were treated to Christian's short title reign. I do believe he'll get another chance at proving himself with the title somewhere down the line, but it's going to take time for the writers of SmackDown to feel comfortable enough to go through with that plan.

Romeo: In a sport where every outcome is predetermined and finalized by just one guy, there's always a reason behind it. Back when it first happened, I thought he was getting screwed, but now I really just think it's a bigger angle. And if it leads nowhere, then I’ll sound the alarm again.

Rey Ca$h: I really don't want to get you worked up Ro, and I don't want to be the controversial guy again, but I still don't think that Christian isn't a main eventer. And I definitely don't think he's World Heavyweight Championship material.

Current Big Thing: I also don't think Christian isn't a main eventer. Rey Ca$h doesn't care about white people.

Romeo: Le sigh.

Morpheus: See? This is what I've been saying all along. Black people are always wrong.

Romeo: Okay, whatever, that's your opinion. Can we just be in agreement that HOPEFULLY this angle is designed to finally get him there?

Rey Ca$h: I'm sure that it will. They showcased the angle on Raw. In a Rebound.

Romeo: Also, a proper reign would've made him a main eventer. Like Miz.

Rey Ca$h: Like Great Khali? Like Jack Swagger?

Romeo: I said like Miz. Another guy you don't like.

Morpheus: You guys are all overlooking the bigger picture here. This is purely a conspiracy to undermine Christian's career. Absoluter conspiracy.

Current Big Thing: Absoluter indeed. One degree higher than absolute.

Morpheus: Think about it. After so many years, Christian finally wins the Word Title in a non-Main Event match at the PPV show.

Romeo: Jeez, mayne.

Rey Ca$h: One guy, Ro. I love Miz.

Romeo: ...say what?

Rey Ca$h: I've written three columns about Miz. I've been a big Miz fan since forever.

Romeo: Weren't you going back and forth with Joe about how you think he sucks?

Rey Ca$h: No. I just find it hilarious that he thinks HBK and Jericho suck as wrestlers, but the Miz is his favorite wrestler.

Romeo: Oh, well, guess I must have missed that. The Miz reign was the best first reign done right in quite a while.

Current Big Thing: Nobody's been a big Miz fan since forever, Rey.

Rey Ca$h: I've liked him since the Real World, sir.

Morpheus: Then, after winning that match, when he should be basking in the glory of the Twitterverse and other internet love, he gets screwed over because what is everyone talking about?

Osama Bin Laden.

Romeo: Joe has a ridiculously different set of standards, but now we're just digressing.

Current Big Thing: You haven't liked him as a wrestler since then.

Morpheus: This conspiracy goes all the way up the pipes to the White House, bitches.

Rey Ca$h: Damn al Qadea.

Romeo: Point is, Miz wasn't a main eventer when he won, and now he is. The same thing could've worked for Christian, but now Vince is trying something different because he doesn't really feel him.

Rey Ca$h: But Miz was being built up over that time. Christian had done nothing to warrant being the Number One Contender other than being Edge's best friend.

Morpheus: They used Osama to steal Christian's spotlight. Then, they felt they absolutely had to take the belt off of him because Muslim activists within our own country were crying foul that a man named Christian won the world title on the day that Osama's death was announced.

Rey Ca$h: Preach Morph!

Romeo: LOL! I'd take that over whatever Vince has.

Morpheus: The real tragedy of the night was Randy Orton’s beard.

Rey Ca$h: Tragedy! Wonderful!

Morpheus: It's a political minefield, gentlemen. Don't overlook the truth, or you will fall blindly into their traps.

Mavsman: Oh my gosh. It's all so clear now. My eyes have been opened. Thank you, Morph, for forever changing my life.

Current Big Thing: Especially when the WWE's only character ever to be named Muhammad was so unfairly railroaded by the American Bad Ass, the Undertaker!

BAM!

Mel Gibson loves me now!

Romeo: Anyway, Rey, in the months before Miz won the title, he was being made out to look like a bitch. He was losing left and right until he cashed in.

Morpheus: And look at that. Now THE MAN is trying to change the subject back to the Miz. This conspiracy runs deep, gentlemen. Even infecting our own ranks.

Rey Ca$h: Ro, it was a fluke title reign, and he's just been booked well

Romeo: Yeah, and now he's better off for it. Christian could've been put through the same progression is what I’m saying. Anyway, let's move on.

Morpheus: Oh yeah, Sure. Let's just move on because this shit is making you uncomfortable. Fascists. We know the truth.

Current Big Thing: Does anybody else think it's funny that Obama killed Osama? Holy inner city double-dutch nursery rhymes, Batman!

Rey Ca$h: That got out of hand quick. Let’s try and get back on track. Possibly the biggest storyline of the past few months has been this Michael Cole/Jerry Lawler feud. Mavsy, do you like it?

Current Big Thing: Why are you only addressing your fellow Texan?

Mavsman: Because that's how we roll. Clearly. Here's to you, Rey.

Rey Ca$h: That's how I normally do these things. I address one person each time personally to start the conversation. And thank you sir.

Mavsman: I'm very conflicted about the storyline. Michael Cole is a heat magnet. There's no denying that. Heat is ultimately good for business. However, he's starting to draw heat because he's so fucking annoying - and not in a good way. There's nothing wrong with having a biased announcer, but Cole is running all over Matthews, Booker, King, and anyone else with his promos. No one can match his annoying logic, so it's getting more and more convoluted and annoying. He's the Glenn Beck of the WWE. This angle, to paraphrase Shawn Michaels' promo to Ric Flair before WrestleMania XXIV, needs to be taken behind the woodshed and shot. That would put us all out of our misery.

Romeo: I haven't watched Raw in a while, so it's not hurting me

Mavsman: Nothing wrong with that.

Romeo: But I do agree that it has to go. Hell, it should've ended at 'Mania.

Current Big Thing: I second that emotion. I think a lot of it's been fun, but it should have ended with a piledriver at WrestleMania.

Romeo: They're being forced to book around it by overlooking at least one midcard title. The time spent for the match at Extreme Rules should've gone to a longer US title match or an IC title match or something. 

Rey Ca$h: I think heat is heat. Cole draws heat. He elicits a response. I love Cole and everything he does, and believe it or not, every week except this one, they gain viewers, so apparently people like the storyline.

 Romeo: Wait, what? That’s ridiculous. This storyline is getting overall negative reviews.

Current Big Thing: I hate those silly quarter-hour breakdowns. I mean, are they really gaining new viewers? Or are people just changing the channel back after having tuned out for a minute?

Morpheus: I have honestly liked Cole's work at developing the character, but now it has gone too far. It should have ended at least once before now, and I am hoping the eventual endpoint is in sight. However, the true reason this angle continues is that Cole has been working behind the scenes as a spy for the government, and they want to keep him prominently placed on the show so he can continue to provide advance intel. You know, such as Christian winning the World Title...

Rey Cash: The one thing I like about it is that it's an actual storyline that has been given time to develop. Even though it's an announcer and a retired wrestler, they have emotionally invested themselves to the crowd and the viewers.

Romeo: That's true, Rey, but it was good until after mania. Now it's just being dragged on pointlessly.

Rey Ca$h: Whatever it is, look at the breakdown of the ratings. It's always good for the Cole/Lawler feud. People only think its bad now because Lawler didn't get his Mania moment, and Cole hasn't gotten his yet.

Morpheus: And for the government.

Rey Ca$h: That too.

Romeo: At this point, if they really want to keep Cole in the spotlight, have him manage somebody. *cough*Miz*cough* And let Lawler retire if he was going to.

Mavsman: That's a good point, Rey. But it shows how screwed up the WWE logic can be. Why devote all that time and energy to an announcer and a washed up wrestler?

Rey Ca$h: Because they draw. Simple as that. Nobody cared about Jack Swagger before. Now, they do. Simple as that.

Current Big Thing: They're in the third segment of the first hour. You could put me on at that time and it would look like I gained viewers.

Mavsman: I'd pay to see CBT talk. Just sayin'.

Rey Ca$h: If Cole leaves, who's gonna announce the shows? Please, dear God, don't say JR.

Mavsman: Mike Tirico.

Rey Ca$h: LOL!

Romeo: I'm fine with Striker and Matthews.

Current Big Thing: Then, at ten, people would flip over to the networks to see what’s a rerun and what isn't, and LOP puts out an official report that so-and-so lost viewers at ten, when in reality, Grey's Anatomy took them.

Rey Ca$h: One show. What about the other one?

Romeo: They can do both

Morpheus: Only one man could fill those shoes:

Rey Ca$h: That's not a good idea. You need a differentiation of some sorts.

Romeo: Okay. Regal and Grisham. I mean, Regal's clearly being groomed for an announcer role anyway.

Mavsman: Morph, is the guy behind him about to chop him in the head with an axe?

Rey Ca$h: Your idea would work great for the IWC Ro. But what about the rest of the fans?

Romeo: With regards to who exactly? Regal?

Rey Ca$h: Grisham was universally panned as terrible, Regal hasn't retired yet, and Striker, while knowledgeable, lost his spot for a reason.

Current Big Thing: I don't like Striker very much. A lot of the time I do, and then he goes and says something like "What a mark-out moment!" and I hate him anew.

Morpheus: That's Randy Fucking Savage son, you best recognize! Bring Macho Man to the announce booth!

Romeo: Yeah, but tell me... Grisham or Booker T?

Current Big Thing: Neither.

Rey Ca$h: Booker, because he's better at color commentating than Grish is at play-by-play. And I’m talking about both. Matthews and Striker would ONLY work on Smackdown.

Morpheus: COLORED Commentating, you mean.

Mavsman: I can dig it.

Romeo: I actually don't have much of a problem with Book.

Current Big Thing: On the Benoit DVD, Grisham asks Benoit how he invented the Diving Headbutt. And Benoit actually laughs at him before telling him he didn't invent the move. And they left it in.

Morpheus: I don't have nearly as big a problem with Booker T announcing as Booker has with the English language.

Rey Ca$h: Let's talk a little TNA real quick. CBT, have you heard that Hulk Hogan is looking to wrestle again? What do you think about it?

Current Big Thing: I'm not sure what to think yet. If they do it as a tag match or something, I'm all for it. That way he can stand outside being all Hulkster and whatnot and let the others handle most of the technical stuff, come in at the end and do the leg drop, and the people go home happy. If he wants to do a one-on-one with someone, though... things might not go so well.

Rey Ca$h: One on one with Sting for the proposed Bound for Glory main event. And if you didn’t know, BFG is TNA's WrestleMania.

Current Big Thing: So they say. Slammiversary seems like a bigger deal to me.

Romeo: I don't watch TNA so it's a little meh to me, but that just sounds like a terrible idea.

Morpheus: TNA doesn't have a WrestleMania. They have an In Your House at best.

Current Big Thing: HA!

Mavsman: And here I was waiting for a tie in to Osama.

Current Big Thing: Daivari's back in WWE.

Rey Ca$h: You get my point. But it's crazy that it's Sting/Hogan all over again, in 2011. Doesn't it seem surreal?

Morpheus: No, TNA is safe from this government conspiracy. They aren't high profile enough to be owrth the overhead.

Mavsman: I don't know about surreal. Weren't they main eventing together before I was born? No, I would have been four or five I believe. Anyways, just because it may be nostalgic for some fans doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Romeo: Fuck, Muhammad Hassan should come back.

Current Big Thing: He never should have gone. That gimmick was fantastic.

Romeo: Exactly

Morpheus: Here's the straight shit, Rey. Sting/Hogan the first time was what, going on 15 years ago, right? These two weren't spring chickens back then, and they sure as shit ain't getting any younger now. Sting simply can't go the way he used to, and Hogan, while he could never really go, per se, could at least walk the ramp without injuring himself.

Rey Ca$h: Sting could never go, in my opinion. Extremely overrated.

Current Big Thing: Well, but you never watched WCW.

Morpheus: Now, I know people have me pegged as the guy who hates Hogan and who could give two shits about Sting, and while those are largely accurate statements, answer me this question seriously: Who the fuck wants to see Hogan vs. Sting in 2011? ESPECIALLY when the possibility is quite strong that it COULD BE FOR THE WORLD TITLE?!

Rey Ca$h: All I watched was WCW, until they sold to WWE. Since 1996.

Current Big Thing: WOW! FOUR YEARS! WOW!

Rey Ca$h: Apparently, CBT wants to see the match. CBT, I'm 23. Give me some slack.

Current Big Thing: Hey, now. I said I'd be okay with him doing tags and such.

Mavsman: TNA's World Title. Let's not get crazy here.

Morpheus: Ceebs' boner for Sting notwithstanding, I think even he can admit that this match is about as good an idea as Greedo shooting first.

Current Big Thing: Exactly, Rey. You're only 23. You may not have even been watching wrestling when he and Flair tore the house down every night for three straight years.

Rey Ca$h: Him and Flair. Back then, who didn't Flair tear the house down with?

Morpheus: Ceebs has no Sting related stiffy.

Romeo: Greedo shooting first. That’s an amazing metaphor, Morph.

Morpheus: Thank you Ro.

Current Big Thing: That's not a metaphor.

Morpheus: It's a simile.

Current Big Thing: It's an analogy.

Morpheus: Parallel?

Current Big Thing: Intersection?

Romeo: Iknow what it is, it's just that "metaphor" has become a catch-all term for figures of speech.

Current Big Thing: Aww, fuck, Ro!

I was really hoping someone would say "Rhombus" while we were loosely referencing Geometry. I love that word.

Romeo: Rhombus

Rey Ca$h: Well, since TNA can't apparently do anything right, they've decided to rebrand themselves as Impact Wrestling. With WWE moving away from that term, I think it's a good idea. What do you think Morph?

Morpheus: So far as Impact Wrestling is concerned, I don't think it makes much of a difference at all. I think people who were watching before will be watching after. I don't think the brand name change will do anything to aid them, increase their exposure or viewership or anything like that. I think it is just another example of the little David trying to fire shots at the big Goliath, but Goliath doesn't even notice because David's aim sucks.

Romeo: It would've been a respectable idea if it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to whatever WWE was doing, as TNA - oh, sorry, IW - always does.

Rey Ca$h: I think it's a situation where they realize they need to create a brand for themselves. This is their chance. They'll never be WWE, so they need to be happy being TNA.

Romeo: Again, it's a matter of timing. It just makes them look petty because they did it when the WWE did it.

Current Big Thing: I think they're attacking the wrong things. The first thing they need to do is to get the fuck out of the Impact Zone.

Morpheus: Exactly. If they are trying to separate themselves as a brand, this little name change isn't going to do it. This, in fact, is probably the least effective and most insignificant thing they could do. They want to be separate from the WWE? Stop putting all of the former WWE talent front and center and put their more "home-grown" talent up front. They can't have it both ways. If they want to be separate, they can't put all the focus on rehashing what the WWE did before.

Rey Ca$h: That's actually their best idea. Their only problem is making the ex-WWE talents look better than their home grown guys. They need to get ratings. Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy do. AJ Styles and Beer Money don't.

Morpheus: If they want to offer the exact same thing as the WWE, then stop trying to pretend they are something different.

Current Big Thing: The problem there is that almost nobody cares about their homegrown guys. Did anyone here download and watch Lockdown? The most over guys on the card were Sting and Steiner.

Rey Ca$h: Exactly.

Romeo: But it’s not the homegrown guys’ faults they’re not over. Since January 2010, TNA has never taken the time to make the fans care about their homegrown guys. They over-rely on the established names to be their meal tickets.

Morpheus: Where was Lockdown filmed?

Current Big Thing: Cincy. Great crowd. Cheered when appropriate. Didn't chant "this is wrestling" every time some midget did a backflip.

Morpheus: There you have it, though. A city that has never before gotten to see the TNA youth in action live.

Mavsman: It's hard for me to weigh in here, as I don't watch Impact. I tried a few years ago, but it was always one of those shows that would pile up on my TiVo until I deleted it. Quite frankly, I'm much happier watching other things on Thursday night than Impact. They've never turned the corner for me and become "must see TV." A name change won't matter. Hulk Hogan wrestling certainly won't encourage me to tune in to the show. They need to do something groundbreaking, and I don't see that occurring. As everyone else has pointed out, they seem too happy being WWE-lite.

Morpheus: It's no wonder they would be high on stars they knew, because they actually knew and remembered them.

Rey Ca$h: OK guys. Let's end this. Ro, you got anything to say?

Romeo: Uh… Go Bulls. Beat the Heat.

Rey Ca$h: Mavsy, any last words?

Mavsman: Fuck Donald Trump! Mark Cuban for president!

Rey Ca$h: CBT?

Current Big Thing: I'd just like to say that I get a kick out of all the new R-Truth sigs and whatnot being championed by the very people who hated him until three weeks ago. Fucking lemmings.

Rey Ca$h: Morph?

Morpheus: Fuck Hogan. Oh, and you can try to ignore it, but the truth will come out. Christian got screwed, and you could be next. Watch your backs, people. You never know who is watching...

FIN

Source: lordsofpain.net