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[149] – Varied Reasons To Abandon
Scripted Combat (#’s 1-13)

Goodness gracious… Nearly a week has passed since I last visited this dreadful place with any motivation. Finally got a week off work and headed out to Martha’s Vineyard for the annual dudes-only fishing trip. Therein lies most of my laziness as of late but hey Sir Fruity’s rebounding accordingly. In fact, I believe it’s about time for another parody; seeing as how the Wankers of WrestleMania piece was largely well received.

Our new target is Columns Forums writer, and former Main Pager, ‘Plan. The pompous Brit has taken on a massive challenge in which he ranks over a hundred memorable wrestling bouts that every fan should inevitably watch. However the crazy bastard’s decided to divide them up into individual columns so who the hell knows when Plantastic will actually finish the series. Here’s a small piece of the action - 101 WWE Matches To See Before You Die ~ #95. Now I figure the only way to really stick it to the foreigner is surpassing his number total (i.e. 104 or bust). Therefore, I’ll be splitting this mega list into eight separate sections (with each installment containing 13 reasons). Part dos will be… cross those fingers… posted before Tuesday. I haven’t properly outlined this bad boy so it should get mighty interesting as we move forward. Heh.

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1. The King Of King’s Tyrannical Reign

Face facts you Styrofoam sledgehammer wielding junkies. Between late ’99 and 2005, the WWE/World Heavyweight Championship was glued to The Game’s waist. Don’t you dare dispute that claim either because the two were practically joined at the hip. Whether it be marrying into the McMahon family at a convenient fucking time in his career, injuries to other top stars or retiring legends of the business, Hunter’s ugly mug was always on your TV screen at the show’s beginning and end. While it’s somewhat unfair to label Trips with the Hogan stigma, the signs were there and many rising talents paid dearly. Just ask Paul London. I read a recent magazine interview centered around the former Tag Team Champ… Dude is still bitter somethin’ fierce.

2. Family Tree Failure

Since about 2007, we’ve witnessed an influx of second and third generation grapplers filter into the company. The majority of them are either fired, on the chopping block or perennial jobbers. It’s gotten to the point where studs like Cody Rhodes are now perceived as a diamond in the rough. Because of their parents and grandparents, these young guys storm in Tough Enough contestant-esque but with five times the notoriety. If aging wrestling stars keep handing us down shmucks such as Carlito, Teddy Hart, Manu & Ted Dibiase, we’re most certainly doomed. Aside from a select few, none of these silver spoon pansies are following in their father’s footsteps and that spells trouble. Hardcore marks in general love themselves some tradition.

3. Copyright Infringement Infractionalism

This may seem petty to the nonchalant folks reading but this bitch is a real pet peeve of The Candyman’s. As we’re all well aware, the World Wildlife Fund forced Vinnie Mac to alter the company name back in mid 2002 or else face a bone jarring lawsuit against WWE. And while management didn’t have to adjust much else, I noticed a glaring issue after purchasing one of their DVDs months afterward. All of the old WWF logos caught on camera were blurred out! It was like watching the shit on VHS after being dropped in a few puddles whilst walking home. Splotches galore covering the screen and disrupting your concentration on everything else. Anthology sets are especially brutal.

4. Nasty Hangover Effect

Possibly the single biggest purpose for droves of wrestling fans bowing out roughly a decade ago. The edgy intense storylines, colorful characters, scantily clad sluts and adult themed genre are what generated a ridiculous amount of interest in the product during the late 90’s. In retrospect, there’s no way the company could’ve maintained that level or brashness and bravado up until today. Unfortunately, thousands of you crusty dildos love comparing everything to The Attitude Era and yearning for the golden age rather than simply moving on with life. I understand the entertainment level dropped off significantly but God forbid we go an episode of RAW without hearing an expletive or puppies reference.

5. Morbid Type Of Lifestyle

Tis’ no secret that professional wrestling is rough on the human body. I mean we can’t go six or seven fucking months without hearing about the sudden death of a significant grappler. It isn’t exactly a stretch to say they’re dropping like flies. Steroids, alcohol and drug abuse have tragically decided the premature fate of countless individuals. Eddie Guerrero, Umaga, Lance Cade, Test and now ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage are among the many who’ve left us far too early. Owen Hart for a different reason but the same rule basically applies. Hoards of young aspiring athletes quickly realize that this vicious sport is much more than they signed up for originally. The death toll continues growing and becomes increasingly harder to stomach each time. Although I’m sure we could make an exception in Matt Hardy’s case.

6. Irreprehensible Damage

The events prior and after WrestleMania XX might hold other meanings or memories for you personally but I consider it a very dark period in WWE history. In a nutshell, WM20 signaled the career conclusions of arguably the four biggest names the industry had to offer in 2004 – Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Brock Lesnar & Bill Goldberg. Forget about whoever else remained in the company for a second… That’s a fuck ton of star power to lose all at once. The Texas Rattlesnake’s final match may have occurred at the previous year’s spectacle but he was still constantly on television up until the twentieth anniversary event. The quartet of household names disappeared shortly after ‘Mania and future appearances were pretty seldom. Honestly, this led to my own temporary vacation from the wrestling world and I didn’t regain interest for two entire years. I also blame Simon Dean.

7. UFC Thirst Quencher

Despite my own lack of enthusiasm towards mixed martial arts, I could never berate somebody for preferring a sport which legitimizes everything that pro wrestling pretends to be. With the companies’ glory days behind them, I’m not surprised whatsoever that we’ve witnessed UFC’s stock skyrocket in recent years and surpass WWE in several telling categories. Remove backstage heat, scripts, hilariously shameful costumes and play fighting. What’s left is two bloodthirsty opponents, a steel octagon and a raucous crowd to dictate the bout’s volume settings. Oh and them girls with the boobs and cue cards. MMA offers a diverse array of knockouts, submissions and competitors; not to mention blood, booze and bad words. Every now and then I’ll catch a PPV at Hooters or Buffalo Wild Wings with a few buddies and have a blast. But I strongly advise all UFC employees to avoid movie careers because every film yours truly has seen starring mixed martial artists featured nothing but atrocious acting.

8. Manicured To Perfagtion

Yeah it’s a stab in the dark but work with me here, fellas. Those with vaginas (outside of Mississippi & Arkansas) will adamantly disagree with this so I’m strictly talking to the male demographic right now. If I’m allowed to whip up a batch of truth serum, the only penis wrinkles who should be strutted around with completely clean shaven bodies are porn stars. Correct? I thought so. Admittedly, A-Train was pushing it a bit with his attached sweater vest but how many dudes are literally THAT hairy!? Whether it was some random tribute to the late Rick Rude or just unique manscaping, I marked like a damn fool for CM Punk when he grew out his wooly chest hair in 2010. I’m even learning to dig Randy Orton’s scruffiness since switching to SmackDown. Baby smooth legs, arms and torso scream ‘booty bandit’.

9. Peer Pressure Pussy

The same can be said for cigarettes, weed, date rape drugs and condomless sex. Close friends, or people involved in cliques you long to be associated with, can make Pendletons do the darndest things. More often than not, impressionable minds will tweak their speech, personality, wardrobe and principles to fit in with certain groups of society. I can’t imagine this situation being much different. Wrestling’s catered to kids and demands that fans suspend their disbelief for the full effect. As you graduate high school and enter college (or land a stable job), those around are exceedingly less tolerant as far as accepting childish hobbies. SkitZ has run into this dilemma with ex-girlfriends, grandparents and friends abroad and you know how he handled it? I told them ‘either leave me be to enjoy my vices or shut up and bite the bullet’. Because that’s how a man handles business!

10. Vince’s Emphasis On Entertainment

Without exaggerating, Mr. McMahon’s the focal point of universal criticism from marks the world over. Apparently, the unanimously despised pay per view December to Dismember sparked a fire inside Vinnie Mac to embark on this entertainment oriented quest. The boss has been quoted dozens of times for stating that wrestling (while still the product’s premise) wasn’t the companies’ top priority. From shortening the length and number of matches each week on RAW & SmackDown to ruling the word ‘wrestling’ out of the equation, Vince’s hell bent on drastically changing the industry standard. For the better? Definitely not in my opinion. All it’s served to do is severely cut back on the fluidity of classic bouts and in-ring artistry. Don’t expect Triple H to abandon Dad’s vision once he’s in charge either.

11. Guests Aplenty Not Welcomed Here

The global phenomenon clearly notwithstanding, WWE tends to go overboard with whoring out chunks of their broadcast to undeserving has-been celebrities. Were you satisfied with Monday Night RAW being run by a Guest Host every fucking week for nearly a year? Because I downright hated that shit. Company officials believe that overloading their shows with singers and TV stars will draw additional viewers which is accurate but only to a certain degree. A celebrity here or there for the benefit of a storyline can work wonders but not if it’s done to death. Take my collaborative efforts for example… Plenty of LOP readers think of SkittleZ as a columnist who refers too heavily on collabs and needs a superior writer to carry him. However when I whip up a dandy and find the right sidekick to aid my exploits, compliments fly around like Trojan’s at a safe sex convention. (P.S. this doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve learned my lesson)

12. Bimbos With No Balls

This whole debacle with Awesome Kong getting knocked up at the frat house and taking an extended hiatus only helps fuel my silent rage. What a grimy hobag! Who would dare approach that crotch (drunk or sober)? Nevertheless, WWE’s pathetic excuse of a Women’s Division is painful enough to sit through. But when you begin to factor in how skilled these cunt flaps actually are and the danger they pose to everyone else’s safety, the fun level bottoms out. Aside from The Glamazon & Pregzilla, which Diva wrestling today could you honestly see kicking ass in a real life scenario? None. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Zippo. I say to hell with management and their stupid morals. Racy pictorials or not, the company could’ve used that 6’9” bitch from NXT Season 3!

13. SuperCena’s Spectacular Saga

Ahhhhhh the brunt of teenage and adult males’ anger since 2005. Even though Johnny’s done everything asked of him and boasts the toughest schedule of any active professional wrestler alive, there have always been forces beyond his control working against the blue collar brawler. Saddled with the IWC’s perception of the next Hulk Hogan and Vince’s golden boy, Cenation’s been doomed ever since it’s meteoric rise following WM21. Cena should hire a Hitman to assassinate JBL for doing him absolutely no favors in that main event but I digress. Johnny’s been notoriously scrutinized for his simplified moveset, bland attitude, weak comedy and constant winning which can really be said for a handful of other WWE stars. Because of today’s fast paced product, Cena’s 13-month reign as WWE Champion infuriated fans and resulted in many defecting to TNA. The majority of which came running back to the top promotion not long after.

To Be Continued? Meh…Stroke And Bust

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Source: lordsofpain.net