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It's Time To Play The Game!
Chapter 21

(Here's a chapter! Bleh!)

Uncle Joe: Motherfuckers, someone hand me a microphone.

OniBarubary: Your promo mic is probably in the ring or you could grab it from that large black guy they have.

Joe: No way man, Imma need that thing ASAP.

Oni: You know those sound guys from before? I’d wager they could help you out with that.

Hustle: Not gonna warn him about this?

Oni: No no, this will be much more entertaining.

Joe: Well hell, I strut over and grab a mic, whichever one I can find first.

Oni: Word. They seem nonplussed. Someone else doesn’t though. The Machine what is Disco sees you do this and gives you a look that says “what are you doing, we have a mic out there, just ask the fat black guy for it after he announces you and cut your damn promo if you fuck this up I’ll book you losing to Irish Airborne every time you come back”

Joe: Dude’s got a mad expressive face.

Oni: You’ve used that joke before.

Cold: Which member of Irish Airborne?

Oni: Who cares, I think they’re the same person. Like he travels back in time to tag with his past self or something.

MissouriDragon: I find that criminally hard to believe.

Oni: Well, JCVD will catch his ass sooner or later, I suppose. Wanted for being awful in the ring.

Joe: I flash a smile and give Dicksucker a big thumbs up.

Oni: F’real?

Joe: Dammit, stop asking if I’m doing shit for real. Everything I say is 100% truth.

Hustle: Except for that.

Joe: Except for that.

Oni: Well, he’s giving you the same look I am giving you now.

Missou: Derision?

Joe: Lust. Straight dick lust.

Hustle: Fascination at the beauty held within.

Cold: Gay. It’s a gay look.

Oni: Jesus Christ you guys are terrible at this. Confusion and worry.

Hustle: That was my next guess.

Joe: Well fuck his shit, is Robby out in the ring yet?

Oni: Can you magically see through walls?

Joe: Only on Sundays.

Oni: Then you have no idea where “Robby” is. His music is still playing, and that’s normally a safe bet to say that he’s still entering the ring. You know what’s a good way to know when you should go out?

Joe: What?

Oni: When they start playing your music.

Joe: Naw, I gotta go out now. Can’t deal with anymore package checkouts from the promoter.

Oni: Confusion and worry!

Joe: Time to break out. I go by the sound guys and tell them to kick my mic up and then head through the curtains.

Missou: Moment of truth.

Hustle: Surely this will not blow up in your face or anything!

Oni: Having played a thousand table top RPGs, I guarantee he’s going to kill all these rolls by a wide margin, because rolls never turn out the way I want them to.

Joe: Tell me these rolls I gotta make so I can spank them.

Oni: Do it after you give your long-winded and Joyce-ian promo.

Joe: Sure, whatever that means. I bust through the curtains.

Hustle: How does one bust through curtains?

Joe: I dunno dude, but I do it.

Oni: Roll strength and agility.

Joe: Are you for real?

Oni: Everything I say is 100% truth.

Hustle: Except for that.

Oni: Except for that.

Joe does as he’s told for once. A 14 and a 12

Joe: Good enough for opening a curtain?

Oni: I believe the nomenclature was “bust through the curtains” Well, you do a bang up job of it. Like, full on no curtain has received this kind of busting through before. You think it would’ve bled if it could. I’m talking no lube forced entry, balls deep. These curtains would cry, soft soft blood tears if they had tear ducts. Also, you don’t tangle yourself up and trip facefirst into the tiles, which is a plus. Truly a daring feat of dexterity.

Joe: I get the idea, shut up and let me spit.

Oni: By all means, spit away.

Joe: Alright, I clear my throat into the mic to check if it’s working.

Oni: Have no fear of that.

Joe: Word. So let me start this shit.

Missou: Just start!

Joe: Whoa whoa whoa. Turn off that tripe! What is that, is that metal? Does that pass for metal these days? Did they go to the store and get some free breakdowns with that second bass pedal? Who listens to that garbage anymore, really? Judging by the number of black shirts with skulls and tribal, I’m guessing a lot of you. Also, there was a firefight? Really Roderick?

Joe makes as silly a face as he can (which is pretty damn silly) and holds his arms out like he was firing with two guns willy nilly

Joe: Nice easy pop. Who even likes that movie anymore? Maybe back before I could watch it without having to be reminded of every drunk, Irish girl slurring some misremembered quote at every party I hit “There was a firefiiiiiight ha ha ha, right? I can repeat shit from movies, am I popular yet? Doesn’t anyone think I’m cool?” Way to drive that movie into the ground, way to ruin it for everyone. Am I gettin’ boos or what?

Oni: Roll your charisma. I’ll interrupt you at certain times and let you know when you should.

Missou: His music still playing?

Oni: Newp. They got the hint a while back.

Joe rolls a 10. Right down the middle

Joe: 26.

Oni: They’re starting to get into it, but it’s slow going. You came out of nowhere and no one knows you so they only really got into it once you started tearing into them for Boondock Saints. PWG fans are pretty smarky so the vast majority probably love that movie.

Hustle: Not sure I see the connect.

Oni: It makes sense, trust me.

Joe: Well let me clue you guys in on the real deal. I’m Traviss Oberst, the realest of the real. I dress better than you, I like better music than you, I fuck hotter women than you, I’m much cooler than you’ll ever be – I’ll turn to Roddy and point at him – and I’m a much better wrestler than you. Now hit my music. Maybe some of you will remember it, though I doubt it.

Oni: Roll again.

Missou: That was much better.

Hustle: Liked it better than the first part. Sounded more “wrestling”

Joe: I didn’t know where to start. Got my groove going now though.

Oni: Roll already, lest we need enlist Stella to get your groove back.

Joe: Fine, god.

Joe rolls again with increased irritation

Joe: 15 for a 31.

Oni: Crowd didn’t like you telling them they’re ugly and you bang hot bitches, that’s for sure. And they certainly don’t like you saying you’re better than Roddy. When your music comes up, a couple people laugh out loud while the rest just look confused and eventually a smattering of boos hit because “what is this gay shit” as some of the patrons can be heard saying. How do you walk to the ring?

Joe: Arms raised, waving on the boos and yelling “Haters, nothing but haters!” I laugh at them since they have no idea this is the Goosebumps theme, then tell ‘em what it is and tell them they have awful taste if they never watched this as a kid. When I hop up on the apron I do the Brock rope shake.

Hustle: That’ll get some love.

Oni: Oh man, I need a separate roll for that.

The Joe obliges and gets a 9

Oni: Doesn’t go quite as you probably hoped, seeing as people are either laughing about it or mock-booing like indy fans do when they really like some cheesy heel tactic or whatever.

Missou: Do people really do that?

Oni: Sure. Still, riding off your pretty good shit from before, it seems like now that people can actually see you up on the ring, they realize what you’re gimmick is. And boy howdy do they boo you now that they see the curly stache, the burns, the glasses and the tight jeans. Are you wearing Converse?

Joe: Original black and white Chucks.

Oni: Oh yeah. They’re lighting you up now. No roll needed, Hipsters are universally reviled.

Missou: As well they should.

Joe: I get in and sort of laugh to myself at the rope shaking, and tell em so. Who does that? “Ha ha, I’m such a strong wrestler.” Maybe Roddy should shake the ropes, bump himself up, though it won’t help him. I can’t wait to see your fat, greasy faces after I show you some real wrestling, bits of pizza trembling from your lip as you come to the realization that all this garbage you love isn’t cool, you just like it because you think it’s soooooooooo alternative and indy and it isn’t WWE. But when all you sheep flock to it, guess what? You ruin it. This shit isn’t indy anymore, it’s popular now. You’ve killed it. And when those casual fans walk by and look at you with disgust as you count the minutes of wrestling on RAW and talk about fake five star matches with 30,000 flips and how each rotation has more psychology than every Cena match ever you deserve all the disdain you get. You’re not real wrestling fans, you’re just haters. Hating on wrestling, when you should be hating on this trash that you shell out your sweaty bills on. Well start hating on me, because I’m gonna take all this truth and shove it in your face and make you choke it down. Now ring that bell and watch the King of Limbs in action.

Oni: Roll.

Hustle: Damn dude, if they don’t hate you after this they never will.

Missou: How much hipster is that really?

Oni: He could go back and forth on it, I suppose. I mean it’s not like anyone even has one airtight definition for a hipster. Like I was whining about before, people just attach it to whatever they don’t like and boom, it’s hipster. So he could really work any sort of style and keep it realistic. The hipster that likes popular things, the hipster that only likes underground things before they’re popular, the hipster that likes things ironically because they’re actually bad. There’re all types.

Cold: He doesn’t have to stick to one.

Missou: Well yeah, I know. But it seems like his character would be stronger if he chose one and stuck to it. That way he’d be consistent and when those small like, inconsistencies appear, he could use them. I mean it’s something to think about.

Hustle: I think the promo was a fine promo.

Missou: Don’t get me wrong, I think it was good too. I just don’t think it was focused.

Cold: Seemed to lean towards liking indy shit until it’s popular with the Boondock shit and indy wrestling riff.

Oni: Yeah. I mean, more focus on that would be great. But then his style wouldn’t back it up too much, would it? If he really was going for a “liked it until you all did” vibe, how would he wrestle? Would the old school style work?

Hustle: It’d work because it isn’t the new hotness of the indy world. RoHbots and PWG fans and even CHIKARA guys don’t watch old Midwest matches or AWA or anything. So if he wrestles that style in those feds he’ll definitely be able to work it in.

Oni: Guess you’re right. He could claim that no one watches or remembers it and that’s why it’s the real good stuff. Or something. That real indy stuff.

Missou: He could try wrestling some actual lucha or Euro style and make a huff about how all these indy fans champion these styles when their favorite indy star rips it off and butchers it but wouldn’t even recognize it if it was happening in front of them.

Oni: Oh man, I like that. A lot.

Joe: Ahem, gentlemen.

Oni: Huh?

Hustle: What?

Joe: I rolled a 19 like ten minutes ago. Get on this.

Oni: Okay, the crowd explodes. And I mean that literally. They are so stuffed full of rage and anger at their promo that it gasses them up like miniature blimps and flies them around the room until they get to close to a light fixture and pop in a deafening bang. It sounds like a heavy machine gun line pumping shots into a crowd of loudly booing terrorists. Men and women scream themselves hoarse in a throat-scratching contest to see who can let you know they hate you the most. The fat fans are throwing food, that’s how much anger they bring you.

Joe: Knock it down a notch and come back.

Oni: You rile them up but good. I think you hit a couple nerves.

Joe: Good. Now let’s get this match underway.

Oni: Alright. You turn around and Roddy chops you right in the fucking chest as hard as he can. Roll Toughness. You know, your lowest stat.

After a decade of grumbling, Joe rolls one die and reads aloud his number

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net