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It's Time To Play The Game!
Chapter 21

(Here's a chapter! Bleh!)

Uncle Joe: Motherfuckers, someone hand me a microphone.

OniBarubary: Your promo mic is probably in the ring or you could grab it from that large black guy they have.

Joe: No way man, Imma need that thing ASAP.

Oni: You know those sound guys from before? I’d wager they could help you out with that.

Hustle: Not gonna warn him about this?

Oni: No no, this will be much more entertaining.

Joe: Well hell, I strut over and grab a mic, whichever one I can find first.

Oni: Word. They seem nonplussed. Someone else doesn’t though. The Machine what is Disco sees you do this and gives you a look that says “what are you doing, we have a mic out there, just ask the fat black guy for it after he announces you and cut your damn promo if you fuck this up I’ll book you losing to Irish Airborne every time you come back”

Joe: Dude’s got a mad expressive face.

Oni: You’ve used that joke before.

Cold: Which member of Irish Airborne?

Oni: Who cares, I think they’re the same person. Like he travels back in time to tag with his past self or something.

MissouriDragon: I find that criminally hard to believe.

Oni: Well, JCVD will catch his ass sooner or later, I suppose. Wanted for being awful in the ring.

Joe: I flash a smile and give Dicksucker a big thumbs up.

Oni: F’real?

Joe: Dammit, stop asking if I’m doing shit for real. Everything I say is 100% truth.

Hustle: Except for that.

Joe: Except for that.

Oni: Well, he’s giving you the same look I am giving you now.

Missou: Derision?

Joe: Lust. Straight dick lust.

Hustle: Fascination at the beauty held within.

Cold: Gay. It’s a gay look.

Oni: Jesus Christ you guys are terrible at this. Confusion and worry.

Hustle: That was my next guess.

Joe: Well fuck his shit, is Robby out in the ring yet?

Oni: Can you magically see through walls?

Joe: Only on Sundays.

Oni: Then you have no idea where “Robby” is. His music is still playing, and that’s normally a safe bet to say that he’s still entering the ring. You know what’s a good way to know when you should go out?

Joe: What?

Oni: When they start playing your music.

Joe: Naw, I gotta go out now. Can’t deal with anymore package checkouts from the promoter.

Oni: Confusion and worry!

Joe: Time to break out. I go by the sound guys and tell them to kick my mic up and then head through the curtains.

Missou: Moment of truth.

Hustle: Surely this will not blow up in your face or anything!

Oni: Having played a thousand table top RPGs, I guarantee he’s going to kill all these rolls by a wide margin, because rolls never turn out the way I want them to.

Joe: Tell me these rolls I gotta make so I can spank them.

Oni: Do it after you give your long-winded and Joyce-ian promo.

Joe: Sure, whatever that means. I bust through the curtains.

Hustle: How does one bust through curtains?

Joe: I dunno dude, but I do it.

Oni: Roll strength and agility.

Joe: Are you for real?

Oni: Everything I say is 100% truth.

Hustle: Except for that.

Oni: Except for that.

Joe does as he’s told for once. A 14 and a 12

Joe: Good enough for opening a curtain?

Oni: I believe the nomenclature was “bust through the curtains” Well, you do a bang up job of it. Like, full on no curtain has received this kind of busting through before. You think it would’ve bled if it could. I’m talking no lube forced entry, balls deep. These curtains would cry, soft soft blood tears if they had tear ducts. Also, you don’t tangle yourself up and trip facefirst into the tiles, which is a plus. Truly a daring feat of dexterity.

Joe: I get the idea, shut up and let me spit.

Oni: By all means, spit away.

Joe: Alright, I clear my throat into the mic to check if it’s working.

Oni: Have no fear of that.

Joe: Word. So let me start this shit.

Missou: Just start!

Joe: Whoa whoa whoa. Turn off that tripe! What is that, is that metal? Does that pass for metal these days? Did they go to the store and get some free breakdowns with that second bass pedal? Who listens to that garbage anymore, really? Judging by the number of black shirts with skulls and tribal, I’m guessing a lot of you. Also, there was a firefight? Really Roderick?

Joe makes as silly a face as he can (which is pretty damn silly) and holds his arms out like he was firing with two guns willy nilly

Joe: Nice easy pop. Who even likes that movie anymore? Maybe back before I could watch it without having to be reminded of every drunk, Irish girl slurring some misremembered quote at every party I hit “There was a firefiiiiiight ha ha ha, right? I can repeat shit from movies, am I popular yet? Doesn’t anyone think I’m cool?” Way to drive that movie into the ground, way to ruin it for everyone. Am I gettin’ boos or what?

Oni: Roll your charisma. I’ll interrupt you at certain times and let you know when you should.

Missou: His music still playing?

Oni: Newp. They got the hint a while back.

Joe rolls a 10. Right down the middle

Joe: 26.

Oni: They’re starting to get into it, but it’s slow going. You came out of nowhere and no one knows you so they only really got into it once you started tearing into them for Boondock Saints. PWG fans are pretty smarky so the vast majority probably love that movie.

Hustle: Not sure I see the connect.

Oni: It makes sense, trust me.

Joe: Well let me clue you guys in on the real deal. I’m Traviss Oberst, the realest of the real. I dress better than you, I like better music than you, I fuck hotter women than you, I’m much cooler than you’ll ever be – I’ll turn to Roddy and point at him – and I’m a much better wrestler than you. Now hit my music. Maybe some of you will remember it, though I doubt it.

Oni: Roll again.

Missou: That was much better.

Hustle: Liked it better than the first part. Sounded more “wrestling”

Joe: I didn’t know where to start. Got my groove going now though.

Oni: Roll already, lest we need enlist Stella to get your groove back.

Joe: Fine, god.

Joe rolls again with increased irritation

Joe: 15 for a 31.

Oni: Crowd didn’t like you telling them they’re ugly and you bang hot bitches, that’s for sure. And they certainly don’t like you saying you’re better than Roddy. When your music comes up, a couple people laugh out loud while the rest just look confused and eventually a smattering of boos hit because “what is this gay shit” as some of the patrons can be heard saying. How do you walk to the ring?

Joe: Arms raised, waving on the boos and yelling “Haters, nothing but haters!” I laugh at them since they have no idea this is the Goosebumps theme, then tell ‘em what it is and tell them they have awful taste if they never watched this as a kid. When I hop up on the apron I do the Brock rope shake.

Hustle: That’ll get some love.

Oni: Oh man, I need a separate roll for that.

The Joe obliges and gets a 9

Oni: Doesn’t go quite as you probably hoped, seeing as people are either laughing about it or mock-booing like indy fans do when they really like some cheesy heel tactic or whatever.

Missou: Do people really do that?

Oni: Sure. Still, riding off your pretty good shit from before, it seems like now that people can actually see you up on the ring, they realize what you’re gimmick is. And boy howdy do they boo you now that they see the curly stache, the burns, the glasses and the tight jeans. Are you wearing Converse?

Joe: Original black and white Chucks.

Oni: Oh yeah. They’re lighting you up now. No roll needed, Hipsters are universally reviled.

Missou: As well they should.

Joe: I get in and sort of laugh to myself at the rope shaking, and tell em so. Who does that? “Ha ha, I’m such a strong wrestler.” Maybe Roddy should shake the ropes, bump himself up, though it won’t help him. I can’t wait to see your fat, greasy faces after I show you some real wrestling, bits of pizza trembling from your lip as you come to the realization that all this garbage you love isn’t cool, you just like it because you think it’s soooooooooo alternative and indy and it isn’t WWE. But when all you sheep flock to it, guess what? You ruin it. This shit isn’t indy anymore, it’s popular now. You’ve killed it. And when those casual fans walk by and look at you with disgust as you count the minutes of wrestling on RAW and talk about fake five star matches with 30,000 flips and how each rotation has more psychology than every Cena match ever you deserve all the disdain you get. You’re not real wrestling fans, you’re just haters. Hating on wrestling, when you should be hating on this trash that you shell out your sweaty bills on. Well start hating on me, because I’m gonna take all this truth and shove it in your face and make you choke it down. Now ring that bell and watch the King of Limbs in action.

Oni: Roll.

Hustle: Damn dude, if they don’t hate you after this they never will.

Missou: How much hipster is that really?

Oni: He could go back and forth on it, I suppose. I mean it’s not like anyone even has one airtight definition for a hipster. Like I was whining about before, people just attach it to whatever they don’t like and boom, it’s hipster. So he could really work any sort of style and keep it realistic. The hipster that likes popular things, the hipster that only likes underground things before they’re popular, the hipster that likes things ironically because they’re actually bad. There’re all types.

Cold: He doesn’t have to stick to one.

Missou: Well yeah, I know. But it seems like his character would be stronger if he chose one and stuck to it. That way he’d be consistent and when those small like, inconsistencies appear, he could use them. I mean it’s something to think about.

Hustle: I think the promo was a fine promo.

Missou: Don’t get me wrong, I think it was good too. I just don’t think it was focused.

Cold: Seemed to lean towards liking indy shit until it’s popular with the Boondock shit and indy wrestling riff.

Oni: Yeah. I mean, more focus on that would be great. But then his style wouldn’t back it up too much, would it? If he really was going for a “liked it until you all did” vibe, how would he wrestle? Would the old school style work?

Hustle: It’d work because it isn’t the new hotness of the indy world. RoHbots and PWG fans and even CHIKARA guys don’t watch old Midwest matches or AWA or anything. So if he wrestles that style in those feds he’ll definitely be able to work it in.

Oni: Guess you’re right. He could claim that no one watches or remembers it and that’s why it’s the real good stuff. Or something. That real indy stuff.

Missou: He could try wrestling some actual lucha or Euro style and make a huff about how all these indy fans champion these styles when their favorite indy star rips it off and butchers it but wouldn’t even recognize it if it was happening in front of them.

Oni: Oh man, I like that. A lot.

Joe: Ahem, gentlemen.

Oni: Huh?

Hustle: What?

Joe: I rolled a 19 like ten minutes ago. Get on this.

Oni: Okay, the crowd explodes. And I mean that literally. They are so stuffed full of rage and anger at their promo that it gasses them up like miniature blimps and flies them around the room until they get to close to a light fixture and pop in a deafening bang. It sounds like a heavy machine gun line pumping shots into a crowd of loudly booing terrorists. Men and women scream themselves hoarse in a throat-scratching contest to see who can let you know they hate you the most. The fat fans are throwing food, that’s how much anger they bring you.

Joe: Knock it down a notch and come back.

Oni: You rile them up but good. I think you hit a couple nerves.

Joe: Good. Now let’s get this match underway.

Oni: Alright. You turn around and Roddy chops you right in the fucking chest as hard as he can. Roll Toughness. You know, your lowest stat.

After a decade of grumbling, Joe rolls one die and reads aloud his number

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Chapter 22

(Had a lot of fun writing this and it flowed smoothly. Hope it reads as well for you guys. Eastern time zone, bitches! 11:18 means it's still Wednesday! Mwa ha ha ha!)

Uncle Joe: Read it and weep open bitch tears homie.

OniBarubary: I read it. It’s a 5.

Joe: What?! Shit. It was upside down.

Hustle: That’d be a 2.

Joe: No no, like the wrong side is up. The other side should be facing up, not this side. I fucked it up. Let me roll again.

MissouriDragon: Take your punishment, buddy.

Oni: The chop hurts.

Cold: Details. Let him know how, Mr. Writer.

Oni: The chop stings like a Portuguese Man-o-war laying electricity layered tentacles across your breastbone. Skin scraping against rough skin, each individual microscopic edge catching like sharks skin and tearing it off like some sort of carnivorous hand monster, yearning to strip you down to a fleshy mess that once resembled something alive and gifted with a spark of life. It is the chop of souls, the taker of your essence and when it leaves you you feel emptier for it, as if something deep within you, something important with no words to describe it has left you forever. You will never know what it felt like to have it, but only what the absence feels like until like a sinkhole it spreads to your entirety and nothing is left but a space you used to occupy.

Cold: That shit hurt, yo.

Oni: That shit hurt, yo.

Missou: Why are you doing this again instead of writing novels?

Oni: Good question.

Joe: I get it, I get it. I sell it against the ropes, flailing back and flopping my lips like a drowning fish. I look shocked.

Hustle: Like a drowning fish?

Oni: They asphyxiate if you take them out of water, so it’s close enough.

Hustle: You say so.

Oni: Roddy goes back for another chop and lays three more into you in quick succession. Toughness once more.

Joe: If this blows, I’m rolling again.

Blows it does not, as he rolls a 13

Oni: These three weren’t as hard, so they hurt but not nearly as bad as before.

Joe: What? A 23 and these flappy armed slaps from some puro mark is blistering my skin?

Cold: Dude can chop.

Oni: Whatever Roddy’s other faults may be, chopping is certainly not one of them. Dude is stiff as carved dick.

Missou: I take it back, you should never write again.

Joe: Fine. Heel it up, a bit. I’ll sell each successive chop by gasping and stumbling around until the 3rd has me exit to the floor.

Hustle: Normal selling or HBK selling?

Joe: Normal. I ain’t ruining a good match by acting like an over-rated chode whisperer.

Oni: Then charisma it up with Roddy.

Oni and Joe roll in unison. Joe’s is a 15

Oni: Well, the crowd is eating this up like wrestling fans at a free bacon lasagna buffet. Actually, scratch that, I’d eat the fuck out of that. Anime convention goers at a Chinese food place. Better.

Cold: Seems like that’s missing the point.

Oni: You’d be right.

Joe: Pay attention, nerd. Is Roddy following me?

Oni: No, he’s pandering to the crowd before they remember they’re watching a Roderick Strong match.

Joe: Then while I’m on the outside, as soon as the ref’s count hits 5 I’ll start shouting, “What a joke, in AAA or CMLL they have 20 counts on the outside and I don’t know why everybody doesn’t just do that. Way to hit the status quo, PWG, good going. Glad I’m wasting my time in some minor league where they only count to 10.”

Oni: Ha ha ha ha. Dude, that’s gonna get you to an easy 9. I’m also just going to say you roll an even 10 for that to keep the crowd going, laughing and booing you. No roll, that was real good.

Missou: Wipe a tear away son, that was funny. I’ll give you your props when they are due.

Joe: I’m always due props. I’m like Carrot Top over here. I roll back in at the 9 and leave Roddy wide open to start chopping me again.

Oni: Aw, it’s like you understand wrestling.

Hustle: He may be crazy, but the guy knows his wrestling.

Joe: I’m not New Jack, I’m Pillman.

Oni: That is…scarily accurate. Roddy follows your lead, cause he didn’t start wrestling yesterday. Lays into you with more chops, which I assume you sell the same, drunkenly rampaging for air.

Joe: Assume all you want.

Oni: Am I right?

Joe: …yes.

Oni: Roll charisma again, you’re repeating a spot. We’ll see if it works to comedic effect or is just really boring to see 7 chops and a smoke break

Joe rolls while Oni mimics the motion

Missou: That ain’t a half bad idea. Take some hard Larry Z stalls with a cigarette.

Hustle: Nah, smoking isn’t inherently hipster. Also, most public places in Cali have “no smoking or we’ll call the vice squad on your ass” laws. It’d be better to do that Pabst spot we thought of before.

Missou: Lest we Rodney King ourselves.

Hustle: Nigga, the only way anyone’d mistake you for Rodney King would be if they were blind, deaf, not facing you and dead.

Oni: By your rolls combined, I am decent crowd reaction!

Joe: Neeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrddddddddddddddddd.

Oni: I know what I am.

Joe: Well, after I’m done selling this guy’s only redeeming quality, I’ll walk right up to him and get in his face and yell so the whole crowd can hear me; “Who chops anymore? C’mon! Real wrestlers throw punches, like Jerry Lawler and Bill Dundee! You couldn’t throw a real punch if Dr. Death trained you for 10 years!”

Cold: Wide open.

Joe: Let’s hope this numbskull won’t fumble a fucking softball pitch.

Oni: Let’s find out!

Oni throws a dice down

Joe: No way you’re rolling for this.

Oni: Yes way.

Joe: What would you even roll?

Oni: Mehnno, I’m just winging it with whatever comes up.

Hustle: And we’re in his hands?

Missou: Scary proposition, no?

Oni: You whiners are worrying for nothing, he heard you loud and clear. He looks around, gauging the crowd and throws a punch right at your face. These, on the other side of the hand, look like a dude swinging blocks of moldy Styrofoam and feel about the same. Whiff whiff whiff.

Joe: Is the crowd all about it?

Oni: I believe some would call this “the shiznit”

Hustle: Yeah, the people stepping out of a time machine from 2000.

Joe: Then I keep selling them. As soon as he throws the last one, I’ll drop toe hold him and slap a headlock on the ground.

Oni: Give me technique then.

Technique roll is given

Joe: 14 for a 30. Eat a candelabra of dicks.

Oni: What a terrifying prospect. Oh well, your drop toe hold is perfectly executed. It is the best one California has seen since Dusty Rhodes drop-toe-holded – drop toe hold? Drop toe held? – drop toe held Andre the Giant in 86 and severed it from the contiguous United States.

Cold: That how Escape from LA happened?

Oni: What they don’t tell you is it’s a documentary.

Joe: Stop making shit up and tell me what the crowd is doing.

Oni: Eating fatty snack cakes and staring at the one attractive girl with a labret piercing, the fuck do you care?

Joe: Good wrestlers react to the crowd. I’m not gonna slow down the match or pull some stalling heel shit if the crowd isn’t into it. What fucking wrestler hears the fans dying of boredom and stays the course? Shitty wrestlers, that’s who. If it’s getting heat, I’ll keep it up. If it don’t, then fuck it I’ll try something else.

Hustle: Careful or I’ll start respecting you.

Missou: I won’t.

Joe: Both ya’ll turn it sideways and cram it. Is the crowd booing?

Oni: Are you doing anything other than thrilling them with exhilarating restholds?

Joe: I’m still mouthing off, saying shit like “Now that’s a headlock, the backbone of any real wrestler. A good wrestler can keep someone in one for 60 minutes and get a five-star from Meltzer. None of this chopping crap. I’d like to see you escape this expertly applied hold.”

Hustle: Does he?

Joe: If he doesn’t, this cat is the dumber than my cousin Ralph.

Hustle: …I don’t get it.

Joe: My cousin Ralph is really dumb.

Missou: That punchline sucks.

Oni has rolled secretly during this small aside

Oni: He does. He slips out and slaps a headlock on you.

Joe: Quick as I can, I do the same and get it back on him and say “Hey, I didn’t have it fully locked in yet. That wasn’t a real one.”

Oni: Tech and charisma.

Joe: Man, why does my turn have so much more rolling? I ain’t three minutes in.

Joe rolls as Oni explains

Oni: I told you each person and each match would be different. I might have you skip a thousand matches just to wrestle the blow-off or do a small throwaway match for the shit of it. I might have three rolls to sum a match or do a roll for each move you do. I control the horizontal and the vertical. You are but flies in my web, puppets on my strings, creams in my coffee-

Cold elbows Oni in the ribs

Cold: He means whatever’s important will get focused on.

Oni rubs his side

Oni: That’s what I said. I’ll focus on what will be fun to play for each person and what makes sense for their characters. Traviss is gonna need a lot more in depth play if you make him such a talker and the choreography of his matches so important. So don’t blame me on this one.

Joe: Whatever, I rolled a 7 and a 15.

Oni: The crowd doesn’t notice your headlock isn’t as proficient as the one before it because they’re laughing way too hard. Deep belly laughs, easily filling up such a small gymnasium. Anymore and the crowd’ll piss itself and you’ll have to wrestle an Inferno match. But with piss. You lose if you go in the piss.

Hustle: Yes, thanks, we got it.

Oni: If the crowd’s disastrous bladder situation is any indication, you’re well on your way to being mega over.

Joe: Don’t wanna burn em out too early. I guess we’ll hit a small working section and just trade some technique rolls back and forth or something.

Oni: Sounds like a plan. May as well until you can think of another good spot. Gimme three techniques and a charisma. If they come up as all 6s, my suspicions will finally be confirmed.

Joe: If they come up all 9s I’ll Tombstone you so they look right.

4, 8, 9 and a big ole 12

Oni: Good enough. It isn’t an epic match, soon to be recounted in Iambic Pentameter but it is certainly more than adequate. Roddy may not be the bee’s knees, but he’s a competent hand so you two work some back and forth and the crowd is decently into it. It’s a nice breather so that they don’t pass out from wheezing too hard.

Joe: Alright, alright. I got my next idea for a spot.

Oni: Jesus, that was fast.

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net