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May 31, 2011 – Day Two: Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time // Least Favorite Song Of All Time

Introduction

What's up, Dreamers? Your friendly neighborhood Morpheus here, making a healthy and hearty return from quake-ridden Tokyo to grace the hallowed halls of the internet with his wit and charm once more. As you can see from the title of this shebang, I am about to shamelessly steal Hustle's idea of doing the Facebook challenges here on LOP for all of you out there to read and enjoy. Why, you ask? Well, several reasons, really.

First of all, now that Hustle's finished this endeavor, I feel like there's a little piece of something missing from the LOP daily routine, and I am hoping to step into that void and hog the spotlight for myself.

Second, a lot of people sent me messages asking me to do this sort of thing because of the music section of things. There's only so much hip-hop and R&B one can take before they wake up in a pool of jheri curl juice wondering just where the hell their pants are, so I'm here to inject some fucking Metal into this equation. Rock.

Thirdly, and the major reason for this, is the fact that I, much like wrestling, lack any original ideas at the moment. There's a reason for that, which I will get to shortly, but hey, I'm nothing if not honest.

Anyway, in all reality, I am strapped for time and energy lately because of the following EARTHSHATTERING ANNOUNCEMENT: the good Dr. M will be moving from the Land of the Rising Sun back to the good old U.S. of A. on June 23. I've decided to leave my professorship position here in Japan to return to a position in NY that offers slightly more than a 50% raise and puts me close to my family. So, long story short, Papa Morph is coming home, bitches!

Of course, this means things have been really hectic here of late, and this (along with the obvious natural disasters) has been the cause of the fewer-than-usual Morpheus sightings over the last couple of months. It's been difficult to find the time and energy to devote to the type of full-fledged, well-thought out column that (I'd like to think) I am known for. So, this is really what sealed the deal for me trying to keep up with Captain Hustle and trying this Challenge for myself. It will be a good writing exercise, and it will force me to take time to put these thoughts down each day, which will be a good way to de-stress from all of the other bullshit that will be going down in the coming weeks.

Be Forewarned: There will be 3 separate times in the next 30 days that I have 36 hour flight schedules, so there may be a bit of an extra stretch between a couple of posts at those times, but I ensure you they will be done. Oh yes, they will be done.

I also want to thank Hustle for giving me his blessing to follow in his footsteps with this. I appreciate it, sir. Now, enough banter. Without any further ado, let the Rip Off begin!

May 30, 2011 – Day One:

Favorite WWE Wrestler

Already I am realizing just how difficult this whole listing mammajam is going to be. I can legitimately see myself having Triple H appearing on this list a good ten times before I am finished, and I really want to avoid doing that. So, this makes me put a little extra thought into the first option here. I want to choose from the pool of wrestlers who are presently on the active roster and working full time schedules, so this automatically disqualifies all five of my top five favorite wrestlers of all time (a story for another column perhaps), making this a little more wide open. It also removes Edge from the running, who would very possibly have been in contention here had he not been forced into early retirement. As much as I wanted to put Zack Ryder into this spotlight, the truth is it all really boils down to one guy right now…

Christian

I have been a card carrying member of The Peepulation for damn near a decade now. As much as I love Edge, I have always held Christian in a higher regard. When given his free reign, he can run circles around most people on the roster, and is very gifted both in the ring and on the mic. Edge may have reached a higher level of stardom, but in my opinion, Christian connects with his fans on a much deeper level. Guys like Edge are cheered or booed because of their actions, whereas guys like Christian are cheered or booed based on who they are. It's rare that someone who hasn't been given a strong spotlight can make that kind of connection with the broad fanbase as a whole, and the fact that Christian has speaks strongly to his having that "it" factor.

I've loved his work ever since the E&C days, and when he branched out on his own the gloves were off for me and I never looked back. Since this is focusing on his WWE stuff, I'll just mention that I also loved him and his Christian Coalition in TNA and leave it at that. There aren't many guys in the industry who are able to take what appears to be pure shit and turn it into solid gold, but Christian is just such an individual. He has succeeded in spite of the odds, and has continued to remain one of my favorite reasons to watch WWE programming. He is able to put on a good match with anyone, which is also another rare talent.

Little known fact, Christian's last PPV match was supposed to be against Randy Orton, but at the last minute Orton pulled his hamstring snorting coke off of Maryse's ass crack, so he was replaced by a bear with the mange, and I'll bet most of you couldn't tell the difference.

Bear w/ Mange does Viper Pose

Seriously, that's what the bear looked like out of the ring, and yet between the ropes Christian made him look like a million bucks. At least they were able to find a suitable lookalike for Bearded RKO, otherwise who knows what kind of insanity would have ensued.

So, big ups to Christian here for being my favorite current full-time active roster WWE wrestler. You deserve it, sir.

Honorable Mentions: Triple H (always), CM Punk, Zack Ryder

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Favorite Song

This is yet another one that is just plain difficult to sort out, and has a good fifty contenders for the top spot. So what I did here was took a bunch of legit contenders, put them into an iTunes playlist, set it on shuffle and pressed play. This is the one that came out on top, and I have to admit it is a solid choice. Damn solid choice.

"The Asylum" by Edguy

Edguy is a Metal band out of Germany that is just fucking righteous no matter which way you cut it. The have some of the best musicianship I've seen in a lot of years, and they tend to have a sense of humor in a lot of their lyrics, though admittedly not so much in this song. (If you want a sample of their funnier side, look up "The Life and Times of a Bonus Track.")

This song just plain rocks so fucking hard my heart skips and I am torn a second asshole just by listening. The lyrics tell a great story and the music just makes for an amazing package. I first got this album shortly after my ex-wife and I split up, and the sheer energy that pervades this song was literally what kept me going on a lot of days. I have a lot of fond memories of driving around Long Island singing along with this at the top of my lungs and just feeling a whole lot better afterwards than I did when I started. And for the record, yes, I can hit the high notes. I'm black like that.

If you're not familiar with this band, I fear for the future of your grandchildren. Fix that now. Listen to the song above and then find more. It will be well worth it. Trust me. Long live Edguy, and long live Metal!

Honorable Mentions: "Do You Call My Name" by Ra, "Monkey Business" by Skid Row, "I Walk Alone" by Iced Earth

May 31, 2011 – Day Two:

Least Favorite Wrestler Of All Time

I'm pretty sure all of you out there who know anything about me at all know exactly where this one is about to go.

Hulk Hogan

Now I should mention something here. I have just watched Hogan's sit down interview with The Voice, and I have to admit to having gained a newfound respect for the man. The way he stood up for Andre was all class, and for once he didn't come across as the most egotistical man in the history of the universe. At least not for the ENTIRE interview. He was very open, honest, well-spoken, and really did gain a lot of brownie points with me for his conduct with that interview.

That doesn't mean he's made his way out of the negative score yet, though.

Hulk Hogan is by far my least favorite wrestler of all time, though Matt Hardy continues to gain ground in this race. You can give me all the arguments you want to about how wrestling wouldn't be what it is today without Hogan, and how much he's done for the business, etc., and I will more than likely nod my head and agree with you. He's had an impact not only on the wrestling world but also mainstream culture that is largely unparalleled.

Doesn't change the fact that I can't stand the fucker.

As much as he has done for the business, he was always mainly looking out for number one, which is fine. Everyone needs to make sure they come out good in the end. But the dude acts like he is god's gift to professional wrestling, and has the brass nuts to impugn the wrestling ability of others, while he has next to nothing to offer in that department. I will not deny his charisma and such, but his in-ring ability was always limited at best and godawful at worst. It seems like every time he opens his mouth, with the exception of the aforementioned interview, he says something that just makes him seem that much worse, and I hate him even more.

The truth of the matter is that you can take all of the out-of-ring interviews, reality shows, comments, and other shit away and focus only on what we've seen on wrestling shows, and he would STILL be my least favorite wrestler ever. Even as a very young child I found his repetitive whitewashed all American bullshit to be trite and just plain annoying. It was the same thing every week, year in and year out, and I longed for someone to come along and take him out so I wouldn’t have to stomach it all over again next week. Then, finally, Ultimate Warrior entered the scene, and we all know how that worked out.

Now, we find ourselves nearing thirty years since the birth of Hulkamania, and for some inexplicable reason some people continue to cheer for this same exact horseshit. Not only that, but despite having approximately 86% of his anatomy surgically replaced just so his decrepit 58 year old body can continue to wipe itself after it makes doody, he is considering stepping into the ring yet again. You sheeple need to stop cheering for him all the time. If you're one of the people who are cheering for the Hulkster, have you ever stopped for a moment to think about why you are doing so? Is it because of who he is now, or because of who he was 20 years ago? I'm willing to bet it's the latter, but unfortunately in his own mind, Hogan thinks it's the former. He's wrong. Stop encouraging him, and maybe he'll go away. Or at the least he'll stick to networks I could give a fuck about anyway. You're making my DVR depressed.

In summation, congratulations to Hulk Hogan for being my unequivocal least favorite wrestler of all time. Fuck Hulk Hogan. Fuck him up his stupid, orange-skinned, skullet monkey ass.

Honorable Mentions: Matt Hardy, Kenzo Suzuki, Zach Gowen

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Least Favorite Song of All Time

"Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood

There are simply not enough words in the English language to accurately describe how much I hate this fucking song. On every conceivable level, it does nothing but evoke serious feelings of rage every time I hear it. I have several reasons for the unmitigated hatred I feel toward this song, and I will give you perhaps the most important ones here.

First, country music fucking sucks. It just does. If you think it doesn't, try listening to it again. See? You were wrong. It fucking sucks.

Second, not only is this a country song, but because of its popularity it was played on non-country stations. I don't listen to the radio, ever, at all, ever, but every god damned time I walked into a store for over a fucking year I heard this song playing. It's like Chinese Water Torture, but without the upside of introspection.

Third, the message makes me want to punch this bitch right between her eyes. I know a lot of people, and I know a LOT of cheaters. Statistically, if I had to do the math, about 80% of the people I know who have cheated on their significant others have been WOMEN, and yet for some strange ass reason they seem to have the market cornered on the public acceptability of cheat-rage. That pisses me off to no end.

The fourth and final reason I hate this song so much: Karaoke. Again, any of you that know me are well aware that karaoke is pretty much my only social activity and my biggest hobby. I used to go twice a week while I was in grad school, and once this song made its way into the rotation, there was not a single night- NOT A SINGLE NIGHT –that some drunk bitch didn't get up to that microphone and start in with the off-key man hating inherent in this song. It got to the point that the guy who was the KJ would put me in for Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch" immediately following this song as a rebuttal.

Of course my favorite rebuttal was when I went and changed the lyrics to the song itself:

So I dug my knee into her side
Punched her up side her pretty little eye
Left some marks that match up with my rings…
I took a Louisville Slugger to both her thighs
Bruised them up until she cried.
Maybe next time she'll think before she sings.
Yeah, yeah, I'm going to Hell… Again, anyone who knows me knows that violence against women is one of the few things I very rarely joke about, and that I don't find funny in the least. THAT should tell you just how much I hate this fucking song. Fuck.

Honorable Mentions: "Mambo Number 5" by Whoever the Fuck Sang That, Anything by Celine Dion, All Whiny Emo Songs

CONTACT MORPHEUS
E-Mail: morpheus@thedreamrealm.net
Facebook: Morpheus Classic
Twitter: @MorpheusClassic
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Source: lordsofpain.net