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<57> Varied Reasons To Abandon
Scripted Combat (Continued)

Welcome back to my humble-ish abode, homies. And hey only three weeks between columns this time… mmmmmmmm smells like progress! I figured we’d better see this thing through before my literary A.D.D. forces me to ditch the concept altogether. For you stupid motherfuckers who may have forgotten what’s going on here exactly, I’m ripping off ‘Plan and his ridiculously long marathon series down in the CF. See example: 101 WWE Matches To See Before You Die ~ #92. I guess it’s somewhat unfair to criticize others for my extended absence but isn’t that what people do? Chastise others for their trials and tribulations? As long as Sir Fruity finishes this little project before Plantastic does the same, he should avoid torment from his peers (well less than per usual anyways).

On a sidenote, we won’t be banging these reasons out one right after the other. You may have noticed the TMR banner’s lack of presence. Let’s jump on the daily shtick for a stretch until I can be bothered with writing a full-length column again. I’ll be jumping all around so keep an open mind, dildos. These upcoming dandies will entertain, offend and bore you depending on my current mood. Big thanks goes out to Hustle for commandeering the resurrection of D.S.I. I won’t disappoint, tubs!

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#14. JBL as WWE Champion - The card shuffling, beer swigging, proud Texan version was undeniably awesome. Cocky, limousine riding, businessman Bradshaw… not so much. His moobs were no treat either. While I often enjoyed his promos and it’s true that every wrestler reaches the point where a gimmick overhaul is mandatory, these minor footnotes don’t excuse JBL’s limitations between the ropes. And we were saddled with over nine months of Bradshaw boasting the blue brand’s premier villain. No wonder people consider 2004 especially as such a dark period for WWE fans. Yeesh.

#15. Tag Team Torture - I’ve written a handful of columns on the topic since 2007 as have countless other individuals; the most recent being posted last November (>>> Click this link and scroll down to Day 3 <<<). There are literally dozens of examples speckled throughout the 2000’s in which the company built up stellar duos… only to tear them down far too soon afterwards. Except for rare cases like Miz & Morrison, it’s been incredibly frustrating to watch because the logic behind these break-ups have been total ass and led to more firings than pushes. Put an asterisk next to The Heart Throbs though because they fucking sucked in their entirety.

#16. Blindness On Management’s Behalf - Rather than splitting this bad boy into four or five different sections, I decided to simply condense and lump it all in together. Because truth be told, this reason covers multiple facets of the companies’ overall idiocy…

* Vince’s fading grasp on today’s product; failing to comprehend that wrestling itself is still the driving force behind viewership.
* Putting together crap show after crap show, analyzing the dreadful results, refusing to make changes and continuing with the same bullshit that folks hate.
* A promising young stud like Zack Ryder who remedied his undesirable position by getting over huge on the internet; only for company officials to use the Long Island Iced Z as sparingly as possible.
* Hiring talented performers who can thrive under the right circumstances, squandering said opportunities and allowing them to prosper down the road in rival organizations.
* Aside from a few months here and there, CM Punk’s entire WWE tenure (further explanation coming in a couple days).

#17. Too Many Fucking Superhero Gimmicks - Aldo Montoya doesn’t fall under this category? Damn… could’ve fooled me. Regardless, there are dozens of abominations and questionable decisions to support this claim. Avatar ring a bell? Surely, Mr. America does? Or how about The Blue Blazer? Eugene’s futile attempt before getting canned? Hurricane & Rosey? I’m throwing Max Moon in there as well for shits and giggles. Forgiveth thee, Konnan.

#18. Lack Of Legitimate Monsters - Undertaker’s body has barely one match left in the tank, Kane’s been on the decline for ages and Big Show’s probably five or six years away from death via giantism. So who succeeds these Hall of Fame ballet behemoths? Apparently, Big Daddy V’s enormous girth proved to be too much of a liability. Mark Henry doesn’t quite do the role justice (apply the same argument to Big Zeke’s character), mentioning Khali is downright comical, WWE’s already wasted Brodus Clay and Umaga overdosed in ‘09. We got ourselves a dying breed here I’m afraid.

#19. Genuine Draft, Anyone? - Like banging some chick who’s clearly out of your league, this may come as a shock to most but think it through carefully. On a yearly basis, the IWC cream their boxer briefs over possible feuds if Wrestlers A & B were to switch brands simultaneously. We conjure up these unrealistic scenarios and end up getting shafted annually (< misprint?). The WWE Draft’s supposed to symbolize change and fresh storylines. Instead, new guys are inexplicably shifted around and we often witness recent rivalries renewed on a different show. The event always tends to include more head shaking than fist pumping and that’s straight truth, cunt stains.

#20. Those Progressing Backstage Politics - When do they ever lead to a positive outcome? Huh? Cue the dark side of the business which ironically helps to elevate your status in the company. Do you give amazing blowjobs? To the right group of people? At what frequency? And as far as spitting and swallowing go, are you fine with both? A lot factors into this delicate procedure ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, this behind-the-scenes circle jerking will only worsen with time. Undeserved pushes will skyrocket, capable fan favorites will be held back and the quality will keep diminishing.

#21. Sex Clouds Your Vision - Kids are losing their V-cards younger and younger these days so this rings true with the pubescent generation as well as older marks. Sexual intercourse is all the rage and just so happens to occur quite regularly during the late hours. Incidentally enough, RAW & SmackDown (at least here on the east coast) don’t finish up until 10 and 11pm respectively. Between work, school & family drama, fuck buddies and couples gotta take care of business when it’s most convenient. And guess what? Wrestling might be a lifelong passion but can it please you in the same manner as say a moist vagina or lubricated anus? Absolutely not. When the bedroom begins heating up, rasslin’ gets put on the backburner. Better preset the DVR.

#22. Superior Primetime Television - Yo if it weren’t for WWE’s two flagship programs, I wouldn’t even bother with the USA or SyFy networks whatsoever. I’m a strong believer in the satisfaction value of two particular channels: ESPN and Cartoon Network. Between sports and childish animation, SkitZ is happy as a clam. Nonsensical shows such as Aqua Teen Hunger Force, SuperJail!, Robot Chicken, Assy McGee & Adventure Time have slowly phased out the heaping pile of donkey semen that Vinnie Mac’s mindless drones put on week in and week out. So I don’t find it very difficult believing that you’ve also found alternate sources of entertainment lately in TV land. Fish around… there’s funny shit everywhere.

#23. Wrestling And Leprechauns Don’t Mix - One word comes to mind and it’s nowhere near being recognized as an endearing term. Certain groups cringe at the sound of it’s’ name, others grow furious and those remaining shake their collective heads in disgust. Hornswoggle has ruined wrestling for more individuals than I care to count. And you know how Mr. McMahon is with admitting failure… it’s just not an option. So while killing off the mangy midget would’ve been beneficial in the long run, WWE forced Horny down our throats with little regard for human life. Is the PG movement to blame for Finlay’s offspring being injected into the companies’ biggest angles? Who fucking cares? The experiment failed on all accounts.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><58> HIAC: A Tale Of Sucktitude
& Impending Doom

What the fuck’s happened to Hell in a Cell matches I ask you. They’ve been degenerated to ½ novelty, ½ nostalgia; especially since giving the steel structure its own pay per view in’09. We’ve gown downhill since then and shit certainly isn’t looking any brighter. I’m beginning to wonder whether the annual October event may be digging HIAC a grave which it cannot ultimately climb out of in future years. If you couldn’t tell already, I hate themed PPVs in general (aside from mainstays such as the R/Rumble & S/Series) and this is mainly the reason why.

They detract from what makes the sport so damn engaging in the first place. The build, storyline shifts, character transformations and surprise element are each sold short in the process. I realize wrestling marks and my fellow IWC’ers love knowing everything ahead of time but sweet Jesus… Suspense and uncertainty make shit interesting. You Pendletons should try it sometime. Personally, SkitZ digs the anticipation of a possible HIAC contest and not having concrete evidence that WWE will actually follow through with it. Rather than knowing months in advance and being able to lay out the groundwork in my mind. That simply takes all the fun out of masturbating (and daydreaming of course).

Besides completely eliminating the guessing game, the over usage of HIAC is watering down the premise and match quality. Two or three on the same card is overkill – tis’ no big secret around these parts. The cell’s being whored out for PPV buys which reeks of corporate America and tarnishes the steel structure’s long lasting legacy. HIAC has quickly turned into a farce because there is no hell waiting on the inside of that cage. Blood just doesn’t exist anymore in PG land; despite color and the cell going hand-in-hand since 1997. You’re lucky if the mesh fencing even comes into play nowadays. HIAC is all show and no action it seems. One gigantic fucking tease. Kinda like that girl in high school who always pulled your hand out of her pants right when it grazed a couple pubes (hi Evelyn).

I’m no fool, people. You must’ve known The Candyman would bring some textbook examples to the dance. May I?

Undertaker def. CM Punk in 10:24 to win the World Heavyweight Championship (HIAC 2009) -- Ugh… Where do we start? Thankfully, the Straightedge Society came to fruition the following month. If not, I fear Cookie Monster may have never fully recovered from this democracy. It’s been rumored on numerous occasions that Punk & The Deadman have legit beef with one another. After watching this job fest, how could anybody even dispute such reports with a straight face? Right off the bat, this was by far the shortest bout contested inside the cell since Taker & Big Bossman’s atrocity at WrestleMania XV. Why include the fucking gimmick if that’s the case? If you haven’t seen this piece of shit, don’t fret. It consisted of The Phenom dominating, minimal use of the actual structure and a depressing departure from Mr. Sobriety’s main event push.
Rating:

Randy Orton def. John Cena in 21:24 to win the WWE Championship (HIAC 2009) -- To be fair, these two put forth an above par match. But at the same time, you’ve gotta figure The Viper & Cenation and their 3,076 previous battles had made it easy for them to routinely avoid putting on a shit show. Not to mention their “I Quit” contest at Breaking Point generated significantly more praise than that of its successor. You’d assume a match of this caliber would be worthy of headlining the pay per view, right? Well yeah… But nah it didn’t.
Rating:

D-Generation X def. The Legacy in 18:02 (HIAC 2009) -- Yep. Management bumped the Cena/Orton saga down a couple pegs for the DX Reunion Tour; the second one in fact. Now part of me feels obligated to acknowledge the bookers’ attempt at thinking outside the box. A creative approach never hurts… ordinarily. Attacking Trips during his ring entrance and turning the contest into a handicap match however totally sucked ass. Leaving HBK to fend for himself against both Rhodes & Dibiase is something you save for RAW; not the climax of a PPV event folks are paying decent money to watch! Hunter would inevitably break open the cell door, rape Legacy of their dignity and spearhead DX to victory. How enthralling. This also paled in comparison to these four men’s efforts at Breaking Point. Noticing a pattern yet?
Rating:

Randy Orton def. Sheamus in 22:51 to retain the WWE Championship (HIAC 2010) -- Probably their strongest performance to date. It’s just a shame they didn’t treat it as more than a No Holds Barred match. I mean these silly bastards were a couple head bounces off the announce table from making us forget that the cell was even present. Is the ginger allergic to iron? Perhaps the WWE Crew don’t wipe down the structure afterwards and there’s a growing concern of contracting AIDS? What’s the fucking deal? Grate some forehead skin against the mesh. Utilize the fencing as a battering ram. Make me believe you wanna destroy the other competitor! Whatever happened to brutality via mass weaponry?
Rating:

Kane def. Undertaker in 21:38 to retain the World Heavyweight Championship (HIAC 2010) -- Yuck city. Listen… going through the motions might cut it in bed with your wife but the rules change when I’m coughing up 40 bucks for some televised entertainment. Despite the fact that we should’ve witnessed this bad boy in ’04, I had relatively high hopes in the Brothers of Destruction delivering a worthwhile main event. The physicality? Mmmm about what you’d expect. The closing sequence? God awful. As great as the Paul Bearer appearance was, I would’ve opted not to bring chubster back full-time. Anyone who endured the Kane/Edge program feels my pain.
Rating:

Convinced? Ah I thought that little history lesson would do the trick. And doesn’t it irk you that we already know the pair of HIAC contests slated for this October? Eh? Oh don’t play dumb… Christian/Orton is penciled into the schedule thru November, bitches. Surely, you didn’t think Captain Charisma and The Viper were wrapping up their rivalry soooooooooo soon? Elsewhere, the E’s got a lot invested in Cena/ADR. Why else would management have hurried Del Rio off SmackDown? The stars are aligning just in time for SummerSlam and if said feud kicks off at the August extravaganza, it’s guaranteed to carry into fall. And you know what? I’ll go ahead and assure you that HIAC will feature the weakest of Cena & ADR’s pay per view clashes. Sir Fruity’s in such a generous mood that I’ll do a bit of fortune telling for the masses. Persuade you to pocket that cash instead of wasting it on garbage.

John Cena def. Alberto Del Rio in 20:49 to win the WWE Championship (HIAC 2011) -- In an exciting twist, WWE’s Poster Boy and the 2011 Royal Rumble Winner will make history together… by being the first dipshits to go an entire match without ever once making contact with the cell. ADR’s sole highlight will come when he ‘uniquely’ manipulates the ring in order to lock his armbar submission on Cena. Riveting, huh? This will be followed by Del Rio continuously targeting Johnny’s arm, killing the crowd and squandering precious minutes. Then suddenly, Cena hoists ADR up onto his shoulders, plants the Mexican with an attitude adjustment on the errrrrr........
[enter random foreign object > steel stairs] and covers him for the three count. Toddlers drool, prepubescent girls shriek and Del Rio’s first World Title reign goes up in smoke. Oh and you’re welcome by the way.
Rating:

Broadening The Brain / Quiz Question / Interactive / Feel Special / Type Situation: Does HIAC have a snowball’s chance in hell of returning to its former glory? Or should fans move on to the bigger and more frenetic Elimination Chamber?

SuckMyBlowPop@aol.com

Source: lordsofpain.net