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August 9, 2011 – Day Twenty: Worst Gimmick // A Song I Listen To When I'm Angry

Re-Introduction

Holy shit. Is this thing on? Back from the dead, baby…

It's been a good long time since the last installment of this shindig, or anything Morphalicious for that matter, and for that I sincerely apologize. I feel like I have completely missed out on the opportunity to discuss some truly amazing and awesome stuff in the wrestling universe over the last few weeks, which is something I will never be able to get back. Sorry Ceebs. My heart is with you even when I am away.

Anyhow, just wanted to give a quick shout and update regarding the life of me, because I'm mad egocentric and can do that shit. For those of you who were unaware beforehand, you are about to be made aware now. Dr. M just moved his family out of the Land of the Rising Sun and back to the US, straight back onto the good ol' Godforsaken Island of Long. The moving process took a fair bit more time and effort than I would have cared for, and after an ordeal akin to Herculean Labors, I have finally gotten the Morph Family situated and relocated here in the greatest state in our union: New York.

Now, I do regret to have to inform you all of one thing: my new job at the National Lab has officially blocked LOP from the interwebz here, declaring it unfit for public consumption. This makes me laugh hysterically as I ponder how much of that unfitness is a result of mine own self-damnation. However, amidst the laughter, I have to come to terms with the fact that this means I can't check this shit obsessively like I used to in JapLand. The good news in this, however, is that I can see it just fine while at the University. I just don't have my office space squared away there yet. Which is awesome.

So, long story short, my access may be spotty, but I'm back, bitches. You've been warned. And yes, I missed you too.

August 5, 2011 – Day Sixteen:

Best Ring Entrance

The Undertaker

I was thinking about saying Owen Hart here, but I decided I didn't necessarily want to be condemned to Hell. As much as I have tried not to repeat what Hustle had put for his answers here, the fact of the matter is there is no one… No one… who has ever come close to replicating the awesomeness that is the Undertaker's entrance. He has had so many different entrances over the years, and almost all of them were simply better than anything that anyone else was doing at the time. His entrance stands up over time as well, and is just as awe-inspiring now as it was back when I was 12 years old.

My first WWF live event experience was the Monday Night RAW taping the night after WrestleMania XI in Poughkeepsie, NY. While the most memorable event that occurred that night was Sid powerbombing Shawn Michaels straight to Hell and taking him out of action for a while, the part that will always be the most memorable to me was Undertaker's entrance. It literally got cold in the arena when he made his way out. I don't know if they soak his coat in dry ice before he hits the ramp, but the cold was just emanating from him as he made his way to the ring. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen, and I will always remember it.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a video of the entrances from the Undertaker vs. Undertaker match at SummerSlam 1994. Double your pleasure, double the awesome.

Honorable Mentions: Triple H (of course), Goldust, The Brood

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A Song I Used To Love But Now Hate

"Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica

I remember it vividly, almost as if it happened only yesterday. I was a mere 12 years of age when I received Metallica's Black album for my birthday, it having been released a mere two weeks prior. I remember hearing the song Wherever I May Roam and thinking just how awesome and kickass it was. In fact, it was quite possibly one of my favorite songs on the album.

Then something terrible occurred. The following year, in June of 1992, Metallica released a music video for the song, and it hit MTV with a vengeance. I thought it was cool seeing a metal band getting some airtime on an increasingly rap-heavy rotation. Of course, I shouldn't complain much, because at least back then, MTV was actually playing music. So there's that.

Anyway, what ensued from here is something that still haunts me to this day. I remember that for the next three months, it seemed that whenever I turned on MTV, which was often, this video was ALWAYS playing. It seemed like no matter what I did, I simply couldn't escape it. Then, at the end of the summer, they did a trivia question on MTV asking which video received the most airplay during the three summer months. I screamed at the TV that is had to be Wherever I May Roam. I was right. What I wasn't prepared for was the statistic.

736 times.

In 3 months. That's 92 days. That's an average of 8 times a day. Now you know why I go into a feral rage and start punching babies whenever I hear this song.

Honorable Mentions: "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by The Offspring, "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights" by Meat Loaf, "Walking On The Sun" by Smashmouth

August 6, 2011 – Day Seventeen:

Favorite Entrance Music

Anything involving Triple H

It doesn't matter which theme song you pick for H, it's fucking awesome. Sure, the old Connecticut blueblood bullshit wasn't prime choice, but it fit his character at the time, so I'll let it slide. However, since he struck out on his own path and became The Game, he has had one of the greatest strings of themes in the history of the ever. Obviously Motorhead's The Game is the best, but the old H-Blockx "My Time" was pretty damn good as well. Plus, no one should ever overlook "The King Of Kings" or Evolution's "Line In The Sand," both of which were Motorhead asskickers.

These songs are just a testament to how awesome Triple H truly is. I mean, think about it. How awesome must you be in order to have Lemmy Mother Fucking Kilmeister write a song about you? Incredibly awesome, I would contend. For example, here is a list of common things that Lemmy usually writes songs about:

1) Alcohol
2) Motorcycles
3) Whores
4) Metal
5) Sex

That's a pretty strong list of awesome things, wouldn't you say? Now consider the fact that Lemmy has written not one, but THREE songs for Triple H, and I'd argue that it's pretty much game, set, and match in this department. HHH4LYFE!!!

Honorable Mentions: Undertaker's Ministry of Darkness Theme, Goldust, That New Alex Riley Theme

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A Song I Hear Often On The Radio

"Break Even" by The Script

As I mentioned when I revealed my secret affinity for that damn Miley Cyrus song, I had come back to the US last summer on a research trip and was driving a rental car for about 3 weeks. Unfortunately, this rental car did not have any hook up for my trusty iPod, so I was forced to resort to common radio waves for my musical entertainment whilst tooling about the countryside. It seemed that during this period, there were five or six songs that I heard everywhere I went. This one is probably my favorite.

I had never heard this song before, and for that matter I had never even heard of the band, but I absolutely fell in love with it the first time I heard it. The lyrics are absolutely beautiful and captured a feeling that I am sure many of us have had during our tenures on this rock.

What's more interesting is that the first several times I heard this song, it was played directly after Eminem & Rihanna's hit "I Love The Way You Lie," and the transition was done so well I actually thought it was the same song. The weird thing was that I heard it done that way on three different radio stations, which only reinforced that mistaken truth. As much as I love both of those songs on their own, and I honestly do, having them mixed back to back like that increases their individual awesomeness exponentially.

So, anyway, despite the depressing nature of the lyrics, click on the video and enjoy it for what it is; a little slice of awesome in an increasingly suck-ridden world. Rock it.

Honorable Mentions: "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack, "What Do You Want From Me" by Adam Lambert, "I Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem

August 7, 2011 – Day Eighteen:

Best Memory of ECW

I honestly thought about talking about that awesome promo by The Zombie on the first episode of the WWECW reincarnation, but I decided that I didn't want to have my throat slit by all of the crazy ass ECW lifers out there lurking in their parents' basements, waiting to strike. I will have to admit something up front before I go on, however. I never saw anything from the original ECW until after it had already went under, so everything I have seen from that promotion has been in the form of collections and DVDs of PPV shows gone by.

And the latter is where I found my favorite ECW memory.

The Eliminators vs. The Dudleys @ Barely Legal '97

This was actually the first ECW match I had seen. My boy Tim told me a lot about it, so I went out and got a few DVDs, and I figured that their first PPV show would be a good place to start. I popped in the disc and started watching, and up came the opening match. I remember sitting there in awe, fixed in place and mesmerized by this match. It made me an instant fan of not only ECW, but of the Eliminators as well. And of course Joel Gertner. This is one of the few matches that I have watched upwards of a dozen times over the last decade or so, and there's damn good reason for it. If you haven't seen it, watch the video and you'll see what I mean.

Let me explain to you for a moment just why this is one of my favorite matches of all time. It has a little bit of everything one could want. Gertner is an entertaining little douchebag, and he was primed up in this one. The Dudleys are perhaps my least favorite tag team of all time, and one of the most overrated as well, so seeing them get absolutely annihilated is a rare treat. But most of all, watching the sheer fluidity and grace with which the Eliminators operated as a tag team is just astounding. To this day I don't believe I have ever seen another tag team that was always on not only the same page, but the same line on that page, at all times like Saturn and Kronus were. Simply the best, and truly unfortunate that we'll never get to see them go around one last time. Rest in Peace, big K. We hardly knew ye.

Honorable Mentions: Any Combination of Jericho, Guerrero, Benoit, and Malenko you want; Taz: with one Z; Sabu and Van Dam

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A Song I Wish I Heard On The Radio

There are so many songs that can go under this category that it boggles my mind to try to narrow it down to just a few, let alone one winner. I have a sincere problem with just about every radio station I listen to out here in the NY/CT area. Well, at least the ones that play new music and not classic rock or oldies or some shit. What is that problem, you ask?

They all fucking suck.

Remember back in the day when stations like Z-Rock were around? And remember when those stations actually played good music so that they lived up to their hype? It seems those days have long since passed us by. Now the rock and metal stations are clogged with talentless emo and poppy punk bullshit trying so desperately to pass itself off as Metal, and yet failing in every conceivable way to even be a shadow of what makes Metal so great. Don't get me wrong, there are bands out there who still stay true and bear the banner of the Metal Militia, but they are few and far between, and get almost no airplay. One of those bands is Iced Earth.

"I Walk Alone" by Iced Earth

This band has been around in some form for the last 20 years and has been vying for the top slot in my list of favorite bands for at least the last 7 of them. They are one of the few bands from the US that are staying true to the Metal movement and just playing what's in their blood, rather than what will line their wallets and ingratiate them with the massive throngs of tone-deaf teens and tweens that made such abominations as Justin Beiber and Twilight all the rage.

When it comes down to it, Iced Earth is simply a collection of excellent musicians with a nearly unparalleled ability to write amazing, kick-ass songs. Check out just about anything they've done, and you'll see exactly what I mean. These guys are one of my daughter's favorite bands, and rightly so. If radio would pull its collective head out of its collective ass and play more REAL music like this, I wouldn't fear so much for the future of America's youth.

And for the record, on a related note, Vampires don't fucking sparkle. Fags.

Honorable Mentions: "Wither" by Dream Theater, "Loser" by Ayreon, "Lavatory Love Machine" by Edguy

August 8, 2011 – Day Nineteen:

Most Deserving To Be Entered Into The WWE Hall Of Fame That Has Yet To Be Inducted

The obvious answer for this one, especially in light of his recent passing, is Randy Savage. However, I am still giving my best effort to not repeating what Hustle put, and I think, unfortunately, that the fact that he died recently is what propelled him to the top of EVERYONE'S list, instead of just many. I know that he wasn't at the top of my list before he passed, and to be perfectly honest he isn't even now. That honor belongs to one man.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts

I have had a clear list of people in my head that were deserving of the Hall of Fame for several years, and as those years have passed, I have seen that list dwindle as more and more of my picks have gotten their well-deserved inductions. Roddy Piper, Ted DiBiase, Mr. Perfect, Koko B. Ware, and a few other luminaries have been happily checked off of my list, and yet this one man remains.

If you've been keeping up with this little challenge, or even other tings I've written over the last 7 years, you already know how huge a Jake fan I am, and how profound an impact he had on my life and on my becoming a life-long wrestling fan. There aren't many people who come through the wrestling business that have it all and can be considered complete packages, but Jake is definitely one of those guys. As impressive as Jake was in the ring, though, it was his ability on the microphone that made him truly one of the all-time greats.

Jake was simply unlike anyone else. Hogan could get you pumped up by yelling at Gene about prayers and vitamins. Piper could get your grandmother to contemplate murder with his deplorable behavior and incendiary verbal skills. The Rock could make you laugh hysterically as he buried his opponents. All three of these men had different styles, but they were all loud, over the top, and larger-than-life. Jake, on the other hand, was quiet, reserved, and good enough at psychology to get in your head and make you think whatever he wanted you to. While others were yelling for the world to notice them, Jake stayed quiet so you had no choice but to shut up and listen.

No one played the head game like Roberts, and I don't think anyone ever will. He was a master of his craft and really made a profound impact on the wrestling business and its fans. This is in no way meant as a slight toward Savage, but Jake is and will always be at the top of my list until the day finally comes when he gets the nod. And for all of our sakes, I hope that day comes soon, because I would much rather hear his acceptance speech than tear up over yet another tragic posthumous induction.

Honorable Mentions: Macho Man Randy Savage, Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund

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A Song From My Favorite Album

It is way too difficult a call for me to make a judgment as to exactly what my favorite album of all time is. There are so many different criteria to consider, and different styles, moods, and tastes involved that it seems an almost impossible conundrum to decipher. I can easily tell you what my favorite album of the moment is, though.

"Up All Night" from "Take It To The Limit" by Hinder

Hinder's second album, "Take It To The Limit," came out in 2008. I bought it not too long after it came out because two of the songs, "Use Me" and "Without You," had shown up in the track listing at my local karaoke haunt, and I wanted to try something new. Since I already thoroughly enjoyed singing "Lips Of An Angel," "Get Stoned," and "Better Than Me" from their first album, I figured why the fuck not, right? So, I listened to those two songs a dozen or so times and learned how to sing them, after which I put the album aside without having listened to any of the other songs on it. Wasteful, I know.

That is until about a week ago when I wanted to remember how to sing "Without You" so I cued the album up on my iPod while driving to work. I just let it play on through, and with each passing song, I was digging it more and more. Finally, after having listened to the entire thing, I chastised myself for having neglected to do so for so long, and have had the album running on repeat for the last ten days or so.

The best way I can describe it is that Hinder have proven themselves to be the closest thing to hair metal that has come out since the early '90's, when Nirvana single-handedly destroyed that beautiful genre, which is of course the greatest form of music ever handed down by the Gods of Music to mankind. This song, "Up All Night," displays perfectly what I am talking about. Lyrics about getting drunk and nailing a hot waitress complete with rocking guitar riffs and the patented 80's Fifty Man Chorus and you have a recipe for liquid awesomeness on your hands. Thank you, Hinder, for restoring my faith in Rock.

Honorable Mentions: "The Hourglass" from "The Wake Of Magellan" by Savatage, "A Change Of Seasons" from "A Change Of Seasons" by Dream Theater, "I Died For You" from "The Dark Saga" by Iced Earth

August 9, 2011 – Day Twenty:

Worst Gimmick

There have been a plethora of bad gimmicks to have passed through the hallowed halls of the wrestling business over the decades, with some standing out as being significantly worse than others. One need look no further than the late 80's and early 90's to find some of the most ridiculous attempts at gimmickry ever perpetrated by man. One such gimmick stands out to me as head and shoulders above the rest on the scale from bad to suck:

Xanta Klaus

That's right, folks. I'm not sure how many of you remember it, because the character wasn't very long-lived (thankfully), but back in 1995 for a very short time during the holiday season, an evil Santa was running amok in the WWF. The Million Dollar Man had proven that everyone does indeed have a price, and he turned this Santa Claus to the dark side with his promises of material wealth. The evil brother of Santa Claus himself, Xanta Klaus hailed from the South Pole and delighted in stealing presents from children rather than giving them.

Xanta Klaus only made a handful of appearances before fading into oblivion, never to be mentioned again. All in all, that was probably for the best. However, looking back on it all now, I have a newer appreciation for Mr. Klaus than I did when this was all actually taking place. The campiness was almost endearing, and it was so over the top in it's awfulness that it almost transcended into awesomeness. Almost.

Plus, if you look closely, you'll notice that Xanta Klaus was portrayed by a young Balls Mahoney. That's gotta be worth some extra points right there. Right?

Still, all in all, I honestly can't think of any other gimmick that a wrestler was saddled with that was worse and more ridiculous than this one. (The Gooker doesn't count because he was never meant to wrestle, so there.) So the next time you're reminiscing over memories of Christmas past, imagine for one moment the image of a chair-wielding Balls Mahoney slipping down your chimney and stealing your presents.

I actually think that might be on his rap sheet.

Honorable Mentions: The Portuguese Manowar Aldo Montoya, Akeem The African Dream, Bertha Faye

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A Song That I Listen To When I'm Angry

I'm not even going to say anything for this one. I'll let the lyrics speak for themselves.

"Fullness Of Time Part I: Rage" by RedemptionStruck down by the persons that I trusted
Robbed of dignity and left for dead
I can feel unmeasurable anger building in me
Emptiness and rage begin to burn inside my head

Once I was a person without malice
Once my heart bled red instead of black
Friends with one hand held behind their backs carried knives
Didn't see the blades 'till they were buried in my back

Sleep with one eye open
Knowing that I'm watching you
Listen for my footsteps on every darkened street
Like a call for help unanswered
You can scream but no one hears your voice
No one there to save you
As I take my just revenge

I can hear your laughter
I can see you think you've won
But I don't know how you live
With no remorse for what you have done

You claimed you were my friend
All the while you planned to murder me
You claimed that I imagined all the things you'd done to me
You'll pay for being so destructive
You'll beg for compassion
But I've nothing left to give

Sleep with one eye open
Knowing that I'm watching you
Listen for my footsteps on every darkened street
Like a call for help unanswered
You can scream but no one hears your voice
No one there to save you
As I take my just revenge

Honorable Mentions: "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit, "Same Solution" by Nothingface, "Damien" by Iced Earth

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Source: lordsofpain.net