(Alright gentle bens, here's the first edition! You have cried to the high heavens and I have heard. We shall be doing this thang 3 days a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I'm gonna try and keep them between 1000 and 1500 words to make it short and sweet for all of youse. Expect the columns to go up around the same time every night, as that is when I am more than likely home. Sometimes. I will also be posting all 3 on one page, as opposed to separately, so I don't clutter up the front page with my amazing skills. I shall try to keep it consistent, but I am still human like the rest of you [until that legislation gets passed...]. I also promise not to use the auto-correct search and find function to fix my "then"s and "than"s [grrr, stupid Oni]. So, since you wanna see it, here's the first chapter of the new It's "Time to Play the Game!" )

A phone rings

OniBarubary: C’mon, pick up you lazy-

The line clicks

Cold: Yo, this is Cold. What’s up?

Oni: -fuuuuuuck man, how are you? Wait, you answer the phone like that?

Cold: Like what?

Oni: Using your internet name?

Cold: I’m not giving out my real name in a column on a wrestling website about tabletop gaming. I still wanna look my momma in the eye.

Oni: Fair enough, I suppose. Anyways, you all set for tomorrow?

Cold: I guess. I mean, we’re just doing the same shit right?

Oni: More or less. I updated it a bit and most of the shit isn’t going to affect you, since you were the only one who actually made a damn character.

Cold: Whatever. I’m down. Can I roll up another wrestler?

Oni: If you feel like it. I won’t stop you, but I can’t promise you’ll get the same stats or career path or anything.

Cold: Guess I’ll be livin’ life on the edge then.

Oni: Truly, rolling a set of dice that determine if your imaginary RPG character can enter the ring without blowing his quad is right at the cusp.

Cold: Eat me. Same ole?

Oni: Same bat time, same bat channel.

Cold: A’ight, see you there. Make sure you got them NJPW tickets for New York on deck.

Oni: Oh son of a…

Cold: Wait, you didn’t get the-

Oni: See you tomorrow!

Oni hits end repeatedly until the screen is blank again, before breathing a sigh of relief and writing something down

He dials again and the phone clicks

Hustle: Hello?

Oni: Mahallo my island friend.

Hustle: Oni, that you?

Oni: You going with the internet names too?

Hustle: Huh?

Oni: What?

Hustle: Huh?

Oni: What? How did you know it was me?

Hustle: Only you could be that naively racist.

Oni: That wasn’t the right word? Babelfish said it was.

Hustle: It doesn’t matter. What’s up?

Oni: Just seeing if you’re good to go for tomorrow.

HustleGood to go? It’s not like we’re shipping out to Iraq, we’re just sitting around pretending to be dudes doing even gayer stuff. If you’re asking if I know how to get to your house then I imagine it’s the same route as I took the last damn time I went.

Oni: Alright, sheesh. I’m surprised you didn’t throw a ‘no homo’ in there

Hustle: I still don’t think you quite understand how you’re supposed to do that.

Oni: I dunno dude, that shit’s hard for me. You have to ease me into it.

Hustle: No homo.

Oni: Huh?

Hustle: Nothing. I’ll be there.

Oni: Sounds good. Also, we’re starting over from scratch so you’re not playing Samoa Joe anymore.

Hustle: Wait, what?!

Oni: Aloha!

Oni clicks the end button. He dials another number and puts the phone to his ear

Oni: Hopefully Missou’s rotary phone still gets calls.

MissouriDragon: I picked up five seconds ago, dumb-ass.

Oni: Hey Missou, how’s it hanging?

Missou: Suave. S’fine, I’m just making dinner.

Oni: Cool, you shoot it with a gun or a bow and arrow this time?

Missou: Hardy har har. This about your shindig tomorrow?

Oni: Dunno if I’d call it that, but yeah, just making sure you were still still coming.

Missou: Sure am. Actually turned down a meet-up with coworkers, including one who gazes at me with that “come hither and slam my ass” stare, for this.

Oni: Ah just knew our love was true, red.

Missou: Whatever you say, Scarlet. I’ll be there with bells on.

Oni: You can’t play JR.

Missou: Subtle and offensive.

Oni: I try. We’ll be starting over from scratch. I bought a ton more shit and we’re gonna play it how it’s meant to be played, dagnabbit. It’ll make for a much more interesting game and you guys have experience now so you should be able to deal with making characters and playing them. Heavens forfend you have to use your imaginations or anything.

Missou: That’s fine. I’m still gonna play a bad-ass brawler.

Oni: Fine, but don’t just give Harley Race a different damn name. Work that brain of yours.

Missou: Sorry, work doesn’t give me much use of it. I’ll think about it.

Oni: Good enough. See you tomorrow then.

Missou: A-yup.

Oni hangs up yet again. When he dials once more, it is with some trepidation

It picks up almost at once

Uncle Joe: Why’d you fucking call me last?

Oni: Whuh-what the hell?

Joe: You gave them all the best lines first and then saved me to the end because you didn’t wanna write out my dialogue.

Oni: That’s not true! I…er…saved you for the end because you’re the most unique and a fan favorite!

Joe: You’re not trying to butter me up and slip it in, are you?

Oni: I would’ve at least bought you dinner. Somewhere classy, like Wendy’s. They cut their burgers into squares.

Joe: Well alright.

Oni: Phew.

Joe: Anyways, I’m down for tomorrow.

Oni: You’re not playing Primo.

Joe: Son of a bitch, I’m out.

Oni: Everyone’s starting over and doing new characters so Hus and Missou are as well. Cold’s getting rid of his current one.

Joe: A bunch of nobodies, delightful.

Oni: That’s the fun in it, Joe.

Joe: Well can I be zombie Benoit, risen from his grave to take the living wrestling world by storm, perfecting his craft in hell by wrestling Satan himself, fueled by rage against a world in which people do not get anal-raped by bifurcated demon cock?

Oni: Perhaps not. That raises a whole lot of questions, most ethical, but more importantly it’ll be hard to give accurate designations to his stats. After all, is his endurance 0 or like…infinite? Zombies aren’t fast either, you’d be setting up all your spots way too obviously, it’d be like watching a Young Bucks match on pause.

Joe: I guess. What about a Swamp Thing-esque reincarnated Chris Benoit, made from the semen he jerked out while he was hanging before he died?

Oni: I’m going to have to throw an NC-17 warning on this column, aren’t I?

Joe: I’ll take that as a no.

Oni: Any kind of supernatural Benoit won’t really work too well. There’s just no way to get stats that work, ignoring for the moment that I could also stop taking this seriously at any time and think like a rational human being.

Joe: Alright, so how about Primo on the indies.

Oni: Dammit, I said original characters.

Joe: Alright, how about an indy wrestler who pretends to be Primo?

Oni: Goddammit Joe, you remember that scene in The Rock where Nicolas Cage stabs himself in the heart with a big ass needle?

Joe: Hell yeah, that scene was the shit.

Oni: I’m going to do the same thing to you, except instead of a needle it’ll be a fucking pair of scissors

Joe: Cold-blooded. You cut me deep, Shrek.

Oni: So I can trust you’ll come along with all of your deep-seated problems?

Joe: Hey, you’re normally the one in cahoots with me, y’know.

Oni: Yes, well…can’t let the readers know that. They still have respect for me, middling as it is.

Joe: You just said it.

Oni: Fuck.

Joe: See you tomorrow, Robin.

Oni: No way am I Robin, you’re Robin. I’m Batman.

Click

-------------------------------------------------------------------

OniBarubary: Well gentlemen, settled as we are, let’s get to rolling up new characters!

Hustle: Can I ask one question before we start?

Oni: Help with gimmicks? Need a manager? Want me to role-play a sexy valet?

Hustle: Why are you wearing a suit?

MissouriDragon: Yeah, that was bugging me.

Oni: Well, I’m the General Manager. Since I’ll be playing all the managers and road agents and promoters and every guy in the business who wears a suit, figured I’d wear one.

Missou: Looks like you just threw a jacket over your work clothes.

Hustle: You couldn’t even pull for a nice three piece? Is that a clip-on?

Oni: The fuck? Yeah, it’s just a button down shirt and my dress pants and jacket. What’s wrong with that?

Hustle: Looking mad ghetto, man. We’re not at your Bar Mitzvah are we?

Cold: Ha!

Hustle: Just sayin’ man, Vince McMahon doesn’t do data entry on his off days.

Missou: Your tie and shirt don’t even match designs.

Oni: Jesus, you two fashionista or something? The hell do you know so much about suits? Is this like black people and shoes?

Uncle Joe: Hey, rude.

Hustle: Any self-respecting man should know how to dress himself.

Oni: Cause the colored hair, piercings and girl-pants really leave the impression that I know a lot about suits.

Cold: Rippin’ on Oni is funny, but you can do that any time. Let’s play.

Cold and Joe have already started rolling dice and writing down the totals. Oni removes his jacket and clip-on tie

Oni: You guys remember how to make characters?

Cold: Yeah, it wasn’t that hard.

Oni: Alright, well keep doing what you’re doing. I bought the expansions so it’s a bit different. I also altered it a little to make it easier. Roll for Strength, Stamina, Toughness, Agility, Technique, Ring Charisma and Backstage Charisma. Roll 4d6, drop the lowest. I’ll be making shit up on the fly about certain actions maybe being combinations of stats or whatever. So the matches themselves will actually go a lot more in depth then we were doing previously.

Hustle: You workrate smark.

Oni: Yes, good taste is awful.

Joe: Shouldn’t we think of characters before doing this?

Oni: Well, I was debating making it like my Call of Cthulhu campaign where you’re stuck with the stats and make your character from there, but that doesn’t lend itself as well to newbs like you. It’s being forced into creativity and not letting the stats enhance it or whatever. So just roll and if you don’t like how they’re set up, just switch em. Don’t just whine about low stats though, they normally make it more interesting because it’ll change how your character evolves or how you play him.

Joe: Like if my backstage charisma is real low I get booked on cards with higher pay by threatening the promoter with a steak knife?

Oni: Yes. Sorta.

Missou: Toughness is getting my highest roll.

Cold: No one is surprised.

Hustle: I actually got a decent idea I might try out.

Joe: You can’t take my zombie Benoit idea.

Hustle: Your what?

Joe: My zombie Benoit idea. Y’see, he comes back from the dead to teach the world of the living how to wrestle, fueled by rage at being sodomized by the Devil over-

Oni: I already said that was a no go. I can’t accurately assign stats to the undead, as well as introducing a supernatural element into a game based upon the reality of professional wrestling. I haven’t bought that expansion yet.

Hustle: That’s your reasoning?

Missou: Toughness and technique, s’all I need.

Oni: This doesn’t take place in 70s NWA or Britain, you realize.

Missou: In a world where Bill Dundee still wrestles with Jerry Lawler, you’re kidding yourself if you think I’m not making a barrel-chested Memphis brawler.

Cold: Give him a beard. Like, a Knox beard.

Joe: Maybe it migrated to your guy after he killed Knox in a bare-knuckle fight.

Cold: Or maybe he wrestled Knox at some JAPW show and sensed Missou was stronger so it left to join him.

Joe: Or he got him in a headlock and it crept onto his face and left its seed there, to sprout and take over another human being.

Oni: No supernatural shit guys, c’mon.

Cold: No fun.

Joe: Spoilsport.

Oni: And besides, Knox’ beard possesses Knox and moves from host to host, so no wrestler possessed by the beard would actually be himself, but rather a host to the beard and wrestle how the beard wants.

Hustle: You’re all idiots.

Oni: Alright alright, lemme know when you guys are done and have thought about what kind of wrestler you’ll be playing. I gotta take all this shit down to make it easier for me.

The assembled get to work, rolling dice over and over in relative quiet while Oni grabs a stack of index cards

Missou: That was easy. I’m set.

Oni: Alright, shoot me the stats right down the column.

Missou: Will do. Strength at 12, Stamina 10, Toughness 16, Agility 7-

Hustle: The next match is gonna start by the time he’s done running the ropes.

Missou: -Technique 15, Ring Charisma 11 and Backstage Charisma is 8.

Oni: Dude, you’re playing the same fucking character.

Missou: I like a certain style of wrestlers, shoot me.

Oni: So black trunks and a banjo plucking for his entrance?

Missou: He’s gonna be shaped like a barrel, have a mustache and his finisher is a bear hug.

Oni: Fine, whatever. Just keep thinking up the 4 other moves he’ll use while we move on.

Hustle: I’m done.

Oni: Will it to me, Riggs.

Hustle: The hell? Anyways, we got Strength 10, Stamina 9, Toughness 6-

Joe: Christ, is he made entirely outta Haitch’s quads?

Oni: He’s gonna be at risk for a lot of injuries.

Hustle: Oh, I know. Agility 12, Charisma 14 and Backstage is 17.

Cold: I get it.

Oni: I don’t. Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Hustle: Dude’s gonna be a shit wrestler who gives great promos and knows how to kiss up backstage.

Cold: Won’t be on the indies for long.

Hustle: I fully expect him to be in the WWE in 2 months.

Oni: Does he have a bodybuilder physique, tribal tats and a crewcut?

Hustle: He does now.

Cold: Can we just start him in the E?

Oni: No. But I am impressed at your creativity, Hustle.

Hustle: Thanks. Wait, does that mean you normally don’t think I’m-

Oni: You got anything, Cold?

Hustle: Hey!

Cold: Yeah, I’m done with my stats. Dunno about what type I’m going for though.

Hustle: Assholes.

Oni: We’ll brainstorm. Go for it.

Cold: Alright. Strength at 15, Stamina at 14, Toughness at 12, Agility at 16, Technique at 9, Charisma at 12 and Backstage at 14.

Missouri lets out a low whistle

Oni: Dude, those are some pretty damn good rolls. He’s not really bad at anything.

Cold: Except technique.

Missou: But he’s not bad at it either, he’s hovering around average. Like a Hawkins or someone.

Joe: Yeah, like that guy I’ve never heard of.

Missou: He wrestles on Superstars every once in a year.

Hustle: Let’s just say that that level of technique isn’t going to hinder you too much.

Oni: Truth.

Cold: Problem is, I dunno what to make him now. I got no idea.

Oni: Well, his strength and agility are really high. Why not make him an agile big man?

Cold: That another term you made up?

Oni: Yeah. It’s a big dude who can do agile spots. Like how Brock could do an SSP. Or Undertaker’s tope. Except a bit more consistently and without swan diving into concrete. Like…uh…Bull Buchanan.

Missou: Ho shit, son. That’s a name to bring me back.

Hustle: I’m not familiar.

Missou gestures to Oni who rolls his eyes

Oni: He was that dude who teamed with Bossman for a while back in the 90s. He was like 6’7” but he could do a standing leap to the top rope and moonsaults and shit. Dude wasn’t that bad, to be honest. I think he went to Japan after and teamed with Bernard or some shit.

Cold: Never teamed with Bernard. Mighta fought him.

Oni waves a dismissive hand

Oni: Whatever.

Missou: He was in Right to Censor, won the belts with Goodfather.

Hustle: Oooooooooooooooh. Alright, I got it. He wasn’t bad.

Cold: Somethin’ ta think about, I guess.

Oni: Alright. Joe, are you-

Joe: I’m done.

Oni: Read ‘em.

Joe: I meant with my character.

Hustle: Christ on a crutch,I don’t even know what my dude’s name is yet.

Joe: It’s brilliant, my best idea yet.

Oni: I have this overwhelming sense of dread, but fear I must remain steadfast in the face of overwhelming insanity.

Joe: Does that mean you wanna hear it?

Missou: Best just say it before Oni loses his nerve.

Joe: His name is Traviss, with two esses, Oberst. He’s the hipster wrestler.

The collected players grow deathly quiet

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net