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It's Time To Play The Game!
Chapter 4

(And here begins our new week! Sorry if these starting out columns are a lot of explaining and not as funny, but I promise we shall get to the hilarious hijinks of the assembled actors soon enough. Well, at least in-ring and backstage wise. So here we go, another week ahead!)

MissouriDragon: Alright, so what about my guy?

OniBarubary: What about your guy? Does he even have a name yet?

Missou: Sure. How about Clark Breaks?

Oni: I know what you’re going for, but dammit dude that’s not a name, that’s an exclamation. Like the Hulk. “HULK SMASH! CLARK BREAKS! RARRRGH!”

Cold: That’s an awful hero name, even if it is Supes’ fake one.

Oni: Maybe it could be when he gets exposed to some crazy kryptonite. The Clark, and he’s just Clark Kent but he goes around smashing stuff and drooling like an idiot and shouting his name repeatedly. “Rar! Clark mad! CLARK BREAKS!”

Cold: Pretty sure Marvel’d call them on that shit.

Oni: Well, maybe it’d be a special plagiarism kryptonite-

Missou: Lord above, I’ll change it, just stop talking about comics. This nerdery is crushing my spirits.

Hustle: We’re already playing a table top game, it’s not like you have much further to fall.

Uncle Joe: Careful Missouri, that’s how it starts. Play a game here, listen to comic talk there…next thing you know, you’ll have naked anime chick action figures all over your room.

Missou: Perish the thought.

Oni: Hey, they’re not action figures. They’re figurines. And most of them are clothed.

Hustle: Maybe determining where Breaks is wrestling is a more productive line of conversation. Less respect demolishing as well.

Missou: I’m keepin’ Breaks, so how about Stan Breaks?

Hustle: Just keep Clark.

Oni: At least that way we can pretend you have a shred of imagination in you. Clark Breaks is going to be a tough fit-

Hustle: No homo.

Oni: I still don’t get that. Anyways, he’s an old southern style brawler so there aren’t gonna be too many places he fits in. The best I can think of would be to work for NWA even if it is a shell of its former self that is possessed by the crazy notion that people want to see Adam Pearce.

Missou: Does NWA even make tape?

Oni: I honestly have no idea. I stay away from them for the most part. Haven’t been good in decades.

Missou: Well gee, thanks for dumping me there.

Oni: Dude, you tell me where a relic of the 70s and 80s is going to get a job in wrestling today. I can only really think of small feds. No big name has southern brutes, the closest you’ll get are places with more hardcore wrestling like a CZW or JAPW, or IWA-MS though it’s out of business. Again. Too bad, cause Bull Pain worked there, didn’t he?

Cold: Yup.

Oni: Damn, too bad. That might’ve been a good fit, actually.

Hustle: What’s stopping you from using it? It’s not like all this is based entirely on the current scene anyways.

Missou: He’s got a point.

Oni: Fine, sure. So Clark Breaks will work the eastish coast in the more rough and tumble promotions, like IWA-MS, JAPW and CZW.

Missou: CZW? Really?

Oni: Hey, their stuff’s been getting better as of late. Not like…mid 2000s RoH better but at least mid-show IWA-MS better.

Missou: Translation?

Cold: They don’t garbage wrestle as much anymore.

Missou: Guess that’s fine then.

Oni: Oh whatever, but you have no problem with JAPW or IWA? Half of your matches are gonna be you and Necro or Brodie beating each other with crutches over quarter-filled bleachers. Maybe Sami Callihan knuckle-dusting you-

Missou: Oh hell no, fuck that tubby, eyeliner-wearing gouche-jockey.

Cold sighs and Joe continues his furious scribbling that has not ceased since the revelation of his character

Cold: Dude, why’d you mention Callihan?

Joe: Here we go.

Missou: Sorry, but that motherfucker needs a good fucking Harley Race style beatdown, complete with ripping his damn ear off.

Oni: Yes yes, his existence is a travesty, but look at it this way; you can work with him and stiff the fuck out of him. Maybe even get into backstage arguments and shower stabbings.

Missou: I suppose…You won’t have him go over me, will you?

Oni: Not intentionally, no. Besides, worst comes to worst and you can just refuse to work with him or like…hide his body in a drainage ditch.

Missou: I guess that’s fine.

Oni: Good. Geez.

Hustle: Your own damn fault, dude.

Oni: Yes, what was I thinking, talking about wrestling. Anyways maybe we’ll have you at the start of flying out to Puerto Rico to wrestle there. They still love the heavyweight lucha style there and you can fake it well enough if you’re like a Southern brawler.

Joe: Whoa, hold up!

Uncle Joe has finally stopped his doodling

Joe: Nigga gets to work in PR but I can’t wrestle in Mexico?

Hustle: Your hipster wouldn’t work in Mexico, man. Sacrifices.

Oni: You’re not Flipsy McLuchaspots, you’re Traviss Oberst, so please inform me why you would ever be wrestling for any lucha promotion?

Joe: Because I don’t want to wrestler for no gay-ass American indies full of dudes trying their best to be the next Davey Richards?

Oni: Dude, that’s only a couple feds that wrestle like that. And you can still ignore those guys and see other types. It’s not like you’re wrestling every match on the card. Have some faith that people won’t make you wrestle Eddie Edwards every night.

Joe: I have no faith in you.

Oni: I find your lack of faith…disturbing.

Hustle: Having a feud with someone uber serious like a Davey or whatever CAW clone of him exists would actually be a good watch. Very cathartic. Have him give promos on how he can kick better because he learned from older Japanese wrestlers or whatever.

Joe: Ugh.

Oni: Stop whining. We’re moving on.

Joe: Fine, but I’m killing whatever promotion I’m in from the inside out.

Joe goes back to whatever it was he was doing

Oni: Sure, whatever. You alright with everything, Missou?

Missou: I don’t even remember what we were talking about anymore.

Oni: Good, excellent. Hus, we only have you left.

Hustle: Hit me, I’m ready.

Oni: For you, I have a nifty idea.

Hustle: Uh oh.

Oni: Shut up or I’m taking it back.

Cold: I got an idea what it is.

Oni: What is it then, smart guy?

Cold: You’re gonna start him in FCW working developmental for the E.

Oni’s face drops

Hustle: That was it, wasn’t it?

Oni: …

Missou: It was.

Oni: …you ass.

Cold: Sorry.

Hustle: So I’m going to be signed by the E already? I thought we were all starting out small on the indies?

Oni: Well, you still are. I mean, who knows what could happen? You could bomb out hard and have to scrape by doing kids parties. Or stay in FCW for fucking years like half those guys.

Cold: Or make it big.

Oni glares at Cold

Oni: Yes, or that.

Cold raises his hands up in front of him

Oni: I just think it would be interesting to see how far you could go with enough cocksuckery and fan support when you’re hot garbage in the ring.

Hustle: Hey. C’mon man.

Oni: Sorry. When you’re lukewarm garbage.

Hustle: You’re forgiven.

Oni: Do we have a name to go with this basket of tribal?

Hustle: Not yet.

Joe: I got an idea.

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net