Promotional Tour (Quarterfinals – Pool B)

Hola amigos. Tis’ time to fulfill the middle portion of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour. The Quarterfinals chug along as three of the column’s original members duke it out for a spot amongst Hustle, SkittleZ, Super Chrisss, Sean Taylor, Morpheus and others. This is when the weak are exposed and every remaining competitor starts feeling an intense pressure in the anus region. Don’t forget – voting for Pool A is still open for another 24 hours so voice your opinions before we reach the deadline. For you lame bastards who don’t frequent the LOP Forums, here are the latest standings:

[Pool A]

Priest – 20
Mavsman – 15
Jovanbkt – 13

As for the individuals in today’s column, all votes should be sent directly to SkitzLOP@aol.com. The turnout thus far has been sweet tits and at this rate, I expect more votes in my inbox with the passing of every round. However I probably just jinxed it all to hell and cursed this competition from succeeding in any form or fashion. Nonetheless, voting for this particular trio will remain open until 9pm eastern on Sunday evening. Bloodline, OniBarubary & Da_shee are featured below… Wait did I wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick’s Day earlier? God dammit my short term memory sucks.

A Matter Of Time

I’ve seen several people say they aren’t excited about Wrestlemania and I’ve seen others say they aren’t. To be truthful, I wasn’t that thrilled about the plans for Mania before Randy Orton vs CM Punk and The Undertaker vs Triple H were announced. Let’s face it, The Miz is still awful and Alberto Del Rio just doesn’t really do much for some people. I personally like the guy, but that might just be me. Regardless, neither man had much of a chance of making their match mean something at Wrestlemania. Despite being the great workers they are, John Cena and Edge both have trouble carrying someone else and it’s quite obvious all the work has fallen on their shoulders. Neither match has Wrestlemania headline quality on it. By all rights neither does CM Punk vs Randy Orton, but the match has far more intrigue to it than the two title matches.

Still, the match that saves Wrestlemania this year is Triple H vs The Undertaker whether anyone likes it or not. It’s not secret the match won’t be the most epic confrontation of storytelling like Shawn has given us the last two years, rather I think we see a Triple H and The Undertaker slug it out for a good twenty minutes until The Undertaker gets the tombstone and walks away to the injury reserve for a little while longer. Once again, it may not be the most exciting match to ever hit your ears, but it is the best match WWE can give aside from John Cena vs The Undertaker.

In Mavs column on Tuesday he touched on the idea that it is time for both Triple H and The Undertaker to ride off into the sunset and end their careers and by all rights I can see that. It’s actually almost crazy to think that I’ve often mentioned in the past three years I’ve been writing columns that this time was coming and to think it’s really here is just crazy. With both men gone though, WWE won’t have anyone that can bail them out when they feel like John Cena vs The Miz can be a big draw despite disaster being wrote all over it.

I guess where I’m going with this is that every year WWE makes sure to say that THIS Wrestlemania will be the biggest one ever and in some cases the year after is usually better. However, how long can WWE keep saying it and actually be honest about it? Losing The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels and Triple H only furthers how hard it will actually be. Wrestlemania is about putting on the card of the year and there isn’t much hope for any of WWE’s current guys to be able to fill those shoes aside from a guy like CM Punk who really has more that he can offer.

To be brutally honest, before we hit Wrestlemania 30 we are going to see Vince McMahon HAVE to do something that he hasn’t done in a while. What is that you ask? Co-promote with another company.

Before you feel like that is crazy talk, bare with me here. I don’t mean to completely co-promote with another company as we all know WWE is more than capable of producing a show all on their own, but as far as the main event goes (or more importantly the big selling match), WWE is fixing to run out of big marquee match-ups to sell Wrestlemania. Miz vs Cena isn’t bigger than Cena vs Batista or even Edge vs Jericho. You definitely can’t put Miz vs Cena above Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels (either of them). I truly feel that the only way to gain a big match in the coming years at Wrestlemania is to look outside of the company for guys to come in and do one-offs. Enter AJ Styles.

He may not be what you would imagine as a savior, but he would be, if WWE were smart. It’s not secret, we know AJ has some God-awful faith for TNA and refuses to sign with WWE resulting in many of you to smash your skulls into your keyboard on a daily basis, but if WWE could just sign him for Wrestlemania the rest would work itself out in the end. TNA isn’t in the WWE’s league, but AJ happens to be the PWI Wrestler of the Year and that does mean something whether you believe what PWI says or not. That tells me that despite TNA’s shitty booking decisions and refusal to push the right guys, AJ Styles was still able to put on a stellar year and be commended for it.

Where this ties into Wrestlemania is really simple. Enter CM Punk. AJ is a natural face, so having him face John Cena or even Randy Orton wouldn’t be as exciting as someone like CM Punk who could enter the Impact Zone to defend himself and have a field day with the Impact Zone crowd. Maybe I listen to the video packages too closely, but Wrestlemania is about making moments that last forever and no one can tell me that if AJ Styles were to show up at Wrestlemania and participate in a match as a TNA superstar that it wouldn’t sell. I just don’t see how it couldn’t. The cross promotion rivalry and their past matches could all be brought up and built into a story. Wouldn’t be hard in the least do.

After watching TNA’s tapings in Fayetteville, it’s pretty clear that TNA aren’t going to help themselves and the only way TNA will get better is if WWE were to help them. Imagine the rub TNA would get if WWE were to follow through on something like this. Still, what if CM Punk had of showed up at that February 24thepisode of Impact and called out AJ Styles on the spot? I couldn’t care less about this angle with Flair and neither should CM Punk in this case. Open the show with CM Punk calling out AJ Styles.

Dixie Carter goes on about “surprises” all the time, but this would truly be a surprise to fans. Especially since they only would have had about two hours to find out before the show aired. WWE fans that didn’t care about TNA would tune in a heartbeat to see what CM Punk was doing. You wouldn’t even have to tell CM Punk to attack the fans or TNA’s superstars. Just simply call AJ out. The match would sell itself. WWE vs TNA at Wrestlemania. “Take the fight” to TNA, not the other way around. Now you’ve created yet another big match at Wrestlemania and all you have to do is pay AJ Styles to appear on RAW a couple of times (like Rock is currently doing) and for the match at Wrestlemania. Sure the match would probably end in a draw, but the exposure TNA would get from it would invariably help their case, which we would hope would help WWE in the long run.

At the end of the day these guys are all brothers that have a passion for the same thing. It doesn’t matter if it’s TNA, ROH, AAA, CMLL, NJPW, Europe Feds, or wherever. It’s all the same. If this is TRULY Wrestlemania, then why not go for it? Sure you may keep anywhere from one to four guys off the card by reaching out and getting a guy like AJ Styles, but didn’t WWE shit-can the Money in the Bank this year? Didn’t the Money in the Bank (in all its clusterfuckness) allow a spot at Wrestlemania for EIGHT guys? WWE is clearly willing to hold guys off the card with no outside names taking the spots from them anyway. Don’t start with me about the Team Smackdown vs The Corre match.

It’s obvious that AJ Styles is apparently comfortable with his low-level position in TNA or he wouldn’t be getting lessons from Matt Hardy about being a victim of what “the suits want” (how ironic, eh?). If he honestly cared about his career he’d have left for greener shores. Worst case, he takes the WWE deal and ends up like Booker T eating shit in the midcard. Making six figures to be the Intercontinental or United States Champion sounds way more lucrative and entertaining than making probably five figures to eat shit in TNA. I love Ric Flair to death, but Flair has lost his God damn marbles and it doesn’t help when you hand Matt Hardy a microphone. Ouch! AJ is better than this non-sense.

So yes, I’m saying help the competition. Yes, book a guy from another brand on your company’s biggest show (not like you didn’t use to in the 90s). Yes, make money off someone else who isn’t smart enough to make the money for themselves. Then again, for a company that doesn’t rest on it laurels, you already knew that didn’t you?

>>> Click Here to Vote for Bloodline!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>In-Credible

Alright dearest readers, bear with me as I jump from the mountain of creative columns and plunge into the depths of…ugh *shudder* “normal columns” Nothing against those that review PPVs or write about where they see the Rock/Cena shenanigans ending up or whatever the fuck it is normal column writers write about, it’s just not my bag (in much the same way that slamming my dick in a car door for hours on end isn’t my thing). But today I shall take that dive headlong and further attempt column competition suicide and talk to you gents (and lads…laids…fuck, what’s the shortened version of “ladies”?) about something near and dear to far too many people out there.

Credibility.

This word gets thrown around so much and has become synonymous with “I don’t like this wrestler and don’t want him to have that fake, storyline prop on his waist” which is in itself a longer version of “I’m not particularly good at arguing.” Don’t get me wrong, credibility is important but so few actually use it in the way it should be done. If you do, kudos, you have my blessings (in nomine Oni). But for those of you that are left out in the rain on this one, allow me to provide you with an umbrella.

Credibility, though maligned by the vicious jaw-flapping of a thousand idiots, is affected by two simple things: booking and writing. That is all. This will be on the test. Class dismissed.

…

What, not good enough? You irascible rapscallions, you’re lucky this isn’t China. Fine, I guess I can explain further. I don’t even get overtime for this.

Credibility is booking and writing, it is not a wrestlers actual size, be it height or weight, nor the background that they came from nor the clothes they wear (they are not a unique snowflake) nor gender (that’s a whole ‘nother column I am not writing about) nor even their goddam ring-name. These are things that are supposed to be taken care of or utilized in order to bestow credibility, but years of awful booking and writing has clouded the minds of people and they have someone come to believe that it is these immutable aspects that actually define whether a wrestler is credible or not. WWE, being the face of professional wrestling, and WCW made this happen. It is their fault that so many posts describe being a credible opponent/champion/wrestler like they would an ad searching for the next big gay pornstar. I find it absolutely brain-destroying that men with bodies like Stan Hansen or Bruiser Brody (men who could emancipate Batista’s head from his body with a lariat) nowadays are scoffed at and ridiculed. For a group as homophobic as wrestling fans, you’d think they wouldn’t care so much about another man’s looks.

I digress; I think the best way to illustrate my point is by taking a look at comedy wrestlers, one of the few areas where people use credibility properly (even if it is by accident). Why are comedy wrestlers not looked at as credible champions or even contenders for the belt? That’s right folks, the old B&W, booking and writing. They are treated as jokes, overdone selling, acting like Walmart greeters in promos as other wrestlers run verbal laps around them, losing through silly means or being shown completely inept in the ring. How do you make people believe a comedy character, one who wears the skirt in his relationship, can realistically challenge for a belt? Allow me to disgrace myself by fantasy booking for a moment. Have him win some matches through his brains and shenanigans, confusing opponents with his weirdness. Or team him up with a very big and strong wrestler who teaches him along the way. Have him bust out moves occasionally in matches to show he’s learning while still keeping his actions over the top and humorous. Make him get the win over weaker teams and wrestlers to show that he’s getting better over a period of time all while still doing his silly skits. You can even have him be a big scaredy-cat but that makes him hard to hit with moves in the ring because he weasels his way out of them. You build and build until he starts winning and no one bats an eye at it. You have him and his partner take the tag belts due to catching his opponents off-guard with how much he has improved or how good he’s become. You do not need to violently alter his character, how he looks or anything that makes him him. Look at Santino, who I have just basically described. He is still a comedy wrestler. When he was doing his shtick with Beth did anyone think he was a credible champ or contender? He’s almost the exact same as he was then, but how could people possibly think he is credible now? Because WWE told you he is.

And that’s what it comes down to. You know who is credible? Whoever WWE says is. The only reason people equate size with credibility is because that’s what WWE and WCW were telling people for years. Their spoken “truths” became your reality as fans. You only saw these musclechodes trading the belt from one well-oiled body to the next for years upon years. What else were you supposed to equate as credible if they no sold cruiserweights and tossed Mysterios into trucks. They built their history on size and definition, turning smaller men, less defined men, into the crushed civilizations that were lost in dusty, unread tomes stuck in the “books on clearance” pile. After being told for so long “this is how things are” people just accept it.

The reason why you hear Daniel Bryan Danielson isn’t believable as a threat to main event wrestlers is because WWE has started to believe their own horseshit. Or maybe not, maybe they just wish to maintain the status quo because it’s easier, which is of course questionable seeing as the fans will believe whatever they’re told. It’s not as hard as they think. It’s not like real life and other forms of media aren’t full of David and Goliath stories, or the smart hero outwitting his stronger enemy or whatever. There are thousands of tropes that people believe everyday that WWE could use. The only effort would be people’s initial resistance to these new truths; after the hole they dug themselves into, it’s not surprising that they’d have to maybe make a little effort to fill that hole back in. Find someone people like, somewhat over but is held back due to years of narrow booking, like an Evan Bourne. Someone who the crowd already connects with in some regard that will help them over that first hurdle of non-believability. Have wrestlers sell his offense better, treat his kicks like knockout punches and sell him throwing his entire body at an opponent like death. Have him quick on his feet and capable of avoiding those power moves so his fragility is not a concern because he doesn’t get hit as much. Or on the flip side, have him over time kick out of moves, maybe even a finisher or two from lower level guys in long matches. Make him a son of a bitch who just will not quit. Put him over on commentary, USE YOUR FUCKING COMMENTARY TEAM TO PUT OVER YOUR STARS AND THEIR MOVES. Keep them building up Bourne and mention all the shit I just said, TELL THE AUDIENCE that he won’t give up and throws his body into his moves or that he can’t be pinned down and just puts everything into it out there. If people already like the guy it will only build and build. You’re not taking a wrestler the crowd sits on their hands for and giving them a losing streak. You’re not dumping someone into the main event and throwing your hands up in the air when they don’t get over, crying “Why, it must be HIS fault!” This is not rocket science, I don’t care what people say, booking is not that hard. Take a technical wrestler like Danielson. A man who receives middling to okay reactions when his entrance music hits that turn into raucous cheers and “This-is-awe-some” chants by the end of his matches. Do I REALLY need to go into how he could be built credibly if you just let him out-wrestle some goddam bigger opponents? Just kick them in the goddam head and twist them like a pretzel? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Skitz is giving me the throat-cut sign, so I either need to wrap up or he’s gonna flip me upside down and stick my head between his legs. I could literally write a thesis on this kind of stuff, but I think this’ll do it for today.

>>> Click Here to Vote for OniBarubary!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>The Irish Whip

The luck of the Irish is upon us as another St. Patrick’s day comes by. It’s the one day of the year where everyone feels that little bit greener than usual. The luck of the Irish is a phrase that goes back many many years. Where as the phrase’s origin is not particularly clear, it is a trait that can be applied to almost all walks of life. Down through the years in the WWE we have seen just about everything but do we ever think of the lucky moments in wrestling? In this edition of the Irish Whip and in the spirit of St. Patrick’s day, da_shee looks at how the luck of the Irish has extended to the WWE down through the years. Indeed there have been some lucky occurrences in the world to wrestling; here are some that I consider among the luckiest.

3. Santino Marella defeats Umaga for the Intercontinental title.

Watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBClti8r6YY&feature=related

When the WWE gave us a rare live show that wasn’t in the US, Canada or the UK, one could expect that maybe something special was going to happen. On April 16, 2007, Vince McMahon goaded a fiery Italian audience into volunteering a challenger for Umaga’s Intercontinental title. After leafing through an array of prospective challengers, Vince selected an inconspicuous gentleman from the first row to challenge Umaga. This, of course, is a documented technique in wrestling whereby a pro-wrestler is planted in the crowd and then selected to challenge a wrestler apparently at random. At this point the Samoan bulldozer was heavily pushed as one of the most powerful heels in the WWE and had only been defeated by two men prior to this match. So when ‘local’ boy Santino Marella stepped into the ring opposite Umaga, the outcome seemed pretty pre-determined.

But alas, eyebrows all over the IWC were suspiciously raised when young Santino unloaded on Umaga with a barrage of punches and kicks before scoring the near fall. This volunteer appeared to have a little more wrestling ability than the average fan. None the less it wasn’t long before Vince McMahon stacked the odds even more so against the challenger by declaring the match no holds barred. Umaga quickly gained the upper hand on the young Italian and all hope of a shock title change appeared to vanquish. That was until Bobby Lashley appeared and turned the match on its head. Lashley set his sights firmly on Umaga and delivered a chair shot that had all of Italy on their feet. He then firmly placed Santino on top of the incapacitated Samoan to score the shock victory and crown a new Intercontinental champion. As the IWC rushed to their key boards to discover the identity of Santino, WWE witnessed one of its most shocking moments in years. An unknown audience member, wrestler or not, came in and won the WWE Intercontinental title.

Santino has gone on to hold the Intercontinental title on another occasion as well as becoming a tag team champion with Vladmir Kozlov. He can also technically add 2011 Royal Rumble runner up to his list of accomplishments. Santino provided WWE with some of its funnier segments over the last few years during his heel run and subsequent face turn. I think, given his success with the fans, one can expect to see Santino competing for the WWE for some time to come. For Santino Marella, his success both in the past and in the future all began with that little bit of luck one night in Italy.

2. 123-Kid defeats Razor Ramon

Watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoAFLkFqPo&feature=related

This dates all the way back to when I first started watching wrestling. The formula at the time was very strict. Each wrestling show be it Raw, Superstars or Wrestling Challenge had a main event. But before that main event, WWE generally showcased their stars by having them pick up easy victories. These easy victories came over local jobbers or ‘enhancement talent’. It was pretty easy to spot one of these unlucky individuals as they were generally found in the ring following a commercial break and were strictly denied their own entrance. Combined with unspectacular names like “Bob Reilly” or “John Morgan”, fans became accustomed to expecting little more than a squash match when these wrestlers were involved. So in 1993, when a kid by the name of “The Kid” was seen pacing the ring ahead of a contest with one of WWE’s biggest heels Razor Ramon, you could forgive the WWE fans for expecting a quick victory for Razor.

But what they received was much the opposite. After taking a beating from his opponent for much of the match, the Kid finds himself climbing the corner turnbuckle and hoisting himself onto the top rope. Then, in a move I had never seen in the WWE up until this point, the Kid moonsaults directly onto Razor Ramon and picks up the 1-2-3 over the bad guy. The crowd go absolutely nuts for this unexpected victory. A jobber defeats one of WWE’s top stars. Such things were such a rarity in the WWE and for this Kid to find himself defeating a man as dominant as Razor Ramon was seen a nothing short of ‘lucky’. But luck in the ring transcends to luck outside the ring for this was only the starting point for the Kid, who later became the 1-2-3 Kid.

It was the big break for a young Sean Waltman who later went on to become X-Pac, Syxx Pac, 6-Pack and numerous other names that ‘X’ and ‘-‘ in them. Maybe not considered one of the all time greats in wrestling circles but certainly a star that will be remembered in years to come. For Sean Waltman, it all began that night against Razor with that little bit of luck.

1. Vince McMahon defeats HHH for the WWE title.

Watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3B-afZT4Fk

The integrity of world title is paramount to any wrestling organisation. The star power of a world champion is such because he holds a prestigious title that has been held by many greats before him. It is imperative that a wrestling organisation associates only the very best stars with the company’s top championships. So when you decide to have the non-wrestling owner defeat your world champion and top heel in the company for the WWE championship, you better do it right. I am referring to the moment when Mr. McMahon defeated HHH for the WWE title back in September 1999. I believe this was not only done right but done perfectly. Putting a world title on an owner or celebrity was considered one of the poorest ever moves by rivals WCW. But when WWE gave Vince McMahon a brief world title run, it went down as one the all time shocking WWE moments.

I believe this move is also a testament to the quality of HHH’s heel character at the time. HHH was in the midst of his first world title reign and heavily engaged in a feud with Vince McMahon. HHH brought something new to the WWE title. He brought a heel attitude that the fans detested. During the attitude era, fans were exposed to every edgey modern gimmick you could think of but one of the best things of all was the rise of a champion that the fans could not wait to see dethroned. This title change was a move that had everything a WWE fan was looking for at the time. HHH was a dominant heel champion that you just loved to hate. Seeing him drop the title brought a smile to every WWE fan’s face. Likewise the attitude era was a non-stop freight train of shocking moments and this, above maybe all, was certainly shocking. It did not seem possible that Vince could pick up the win here.

We as fans expect the unexpected, but seriously, how is Vince McMahon going to be world champion? It just didn’t make sense. So to go from having you ass beaten, your son knocked out and your wife held hostage in front of you to having your greatest nemesis, Steve Austin, run to your aid, save the day and assist you in winning the greatest prize in world wrestling; well one could argue that you just received that little bit of luck you’ve been looking for.

Shocking? Outrageous? Unthinkable? Perhaps but above all these moments had their share of luck. Of course maybe there have been other lucky moments in the WWE but for me those above were some of the luckiest. Feel free to share some of your thoughts on lucky moments with me by e-mail or by comment below. I thank you all for joining me this week and do hope everyone has enjoyed another St. Patrick’s day.

Slán go foill.

>>> Click Here to Vote for Da_shee!

______________________________________________________

Alright let’s drop the curtains and wrap up Pool B of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour. Hopefully, you ass pirates didn’t exhaust those fingertips too much because Romeo, ChrisBear & Rey Ca$h are scheduled to bang knuckles this Saturday for a coveted spot in the Semifinals. Seeing as how there’s a lengthy stretch of time until then, I encourage readers to vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE! Then walk around the bedroom/living room/office, stretch your limbs and keep on voting. Bloodline, OniBarubary and Da_shee know from personal experience that feedback on the Main Page isn’t kind to CFers so how about dispelling that theory? Their respective email addresses are conveniently listed below so get to clicking, dildos.

>>> Email Bloodline
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>>> Email Da_shee

Source: lordsofpain.net