TripleBanger Promotional Tour (Quarterfinals -- Pool C)
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Promotional Tour (Quarterfinals – Pool C)
Oh snap, crackle and pop! The last leg of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour Quarterfinals are upon us. Feeling anxious? Nervous? Pissed? Tired? Hungry? Aroused? Anything!? Jesus Christ show some fucking emotion, people. I mean this competition can’t be THAT boring, right? These selfish bastards below can write their asses off which is why we’re here after all. According to my math, the newest addition to the Main Page will be crowned in less than two weeks. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy for light at the end of the tunnel. Voting for Pool A closed Friday night and thus another participant has been bounced from the field. Here are the final tallies:
[Pool A]
Priest – 20 (Advances)
Mavsman – 19 (Advances)
Jovanbkt – 15 (Eliminated)
Awwww what a shame. Jovan’s historical pieces were adored amongst the MP audience and a true highlight of the TripleBanger each week. Not more than Mavsy’s piece from Tuesday obviously but I appreciate the dedication Jovan put into the series and his positive attitude. You can catch his blogs and columns down in the LOP Forums. Meanwhile, Pool B remains open for another 24 hours… current vote totals anyone?
[Pool B]
Bloodline – 9
OniBarubary – 11
Da_shee – 16
Interesting to see Oni not dominating the opposition for a change. Man’s coming back down to Earth a bit. However it appears the author of “It’s Time To Play The Game” is in solid position to advance which is all that matters. Any votes for today’s trio should be sent to SkitzLOP@aol.com. Keep in mind that Pool C stays active until 9pm eastern on Tuesday evening. Now brace yourselves for Filipinos, Brits and Negros – variety galore!
Ro’s Book Club:Undisputed & Cross Rhodes
Hello LOP, my name is Romeo and it’s time for Round 2 of the TripleBanger competition, and this is my stuff. First of all, I appreciate your reaction to Twittermania very much, and as much as I would love to do another one for this round, I cannot right now – there’s a need to diversify. So without much further ado, let’s get on with it!
Let’s get one thing straight – wrestlers love to write books, and we wrestling fans love to read them. All of them, even the worst-written ones, depict a very human side of the people we love to watch getting beat up on the screen; their storied lives, especially those rasslers who have more writing talent, are much deeper when written on paper.
One more thing, you can’t be a rookie, or a wrestler who has only been in the business for five years, and already expect to write an autobiography. It obviously doesn’t work that way.
Today I’m going to review two of the latest autobiographies to come out of WWE Books – Cross Rhodes: Goldust, Out of the Darkness by… Goldust, obviously, and Undisputed: How to Become the World Champion in 1,372 Easy Steps. Goldust and Jericho are two of the WWE’s most beloved veterans, and these releases are quite important for different reasons; Jericho’s because everyone (except Uncle Joe) wants to hear his witty take on his career, and Goldust’s because it’s heavily hyped as the story of how he overcame his demons, and I tore into both with quite the eagerness.
First, let’s begin with Jericho’s book. His first book, A Lion’s Tale, covered his early life and his career up until he made his WWF debut, and appropriately, Undisputed begins at the promo wherein he interrupted the Rock. It is from this moment where the shocking (or not-so-shocking, depending on how closely you were following the situation then) revelations that he rubbed a lot of people, including Vince himself, the wrong way early on in his career.
The strength of the book lies in the early parts, since there is just a natural progression from his debut for the WWE, while it gets really slow when he starts to talk about Fozzy. While I’m aware that he is entitled to talk about his side projects, it really wasn’t an interest of mine; I open a wrestling book to read about wrestling, but to each his own. (You can imagine that it definitely slows down after his 2005 send-off.) He ends the book just at his 2008 return, which is a shame because given his second leaving at around September last year, there was enough time for him to include his critically-acclaimed second run.
Jericho is a witty person, there’s obviously no doubt about that given his funniest mic work, and it’s something to appreciate because wrestlers who can actually write without the help of a ghost or accompanying writer, such as him, Mick Foley and Edge, are rare in the business. Given that, there’s not really anything negative you can say about his writing style; it’s fluid, natural and free, and definitely not PG, for all you PG haters out there.
If there is one real gripe I have about the book, it’s that when he feels he doesn’t have anything to say about something, he’ll gloss over it. He glossed over some considerable detail, fast-forwarding through 2003 to 2005; that means there was hardly anything about storylines such as his angle with Christian and Trish Stratus, and it was because he felt pretty bummed about being bumped down to the midcard after having been Undisputed champion.
All in all, if you’re a Jericho fan or just a wrestling fan, pick up this book. It’ll definitely be the strongest (and one of the funniest) book release of this year (if there are any others coming at all). No one, save for Foley, can top Jericho. 4/5 stars.
Second is Goldust’s book. It’s been hyped non-stop by the man himself, and many of his loyal followers have loved it and sworn by it, but is it worth the hype?
The nicest way I can put it? It’s definitely a touching story… but it’s not a good book.
You know when wrestlers hire a writer to write the book for them as they just dictate? The result is almost always a book that just feels unnatural, and contains only a mere hint of the wrestler’s voice. (For a good example of this phenomenon, read Batista’s book.)
The problem is… Goldust would’ve been better off hiring a writer to do it for him. Yes, that’s how bad his writing is, and yes, he himself confirms inside the book itself that he wrote all of it long-hand.
I’m not sure if it was the drugs, or whatever, but Goldust does not use any other punctuation mark. No exclamation points, no queston marks, hell, not even an ellipsis, and the result is that he comes across as plain – not entirely emotionless, just plain and bland – and it ends up being a quick and boring read, which works against him especially in the most emotionally intense moments of his life. Cody is a better writer; Dustin should’ve made him go over it.
However, all of that is not to say that his story isn’t amazing. It’s actually very similar to Eddie Guerrero’s, and just as powerful because he really managed to overcome. Despite my beef with the subpar writing style, I was still touched by his life and how he’s succeeded. It’s not entirely as cathartic or dramatic as Eddie’s because he didn’t cap his career with a WWE Championship win, but the important point of both his life and his book is that he overcame his demons, and mission accomplished.
So if you can get over the writing, then Cross Rhodes manages to stand up on its own. But if you can’t, then it only limps towards the finish line. 2/5 stars.
>>> Click Here to Vote for Romeo!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>My ChoiceAfter receiving some great feedback in the previous round, one thing really stood out to me. I received an email from someone I have never heard from before; someone out there in reader-land was concerned...
“Half of the people who visit this site are British so it needs a British writer, I know a few people who would love to see what you have done in the columns forum replicated on LOP.net. We NEED a British writer here”
Time to step up...
I’m extremely proud of Britain’s wrestling heritage. I have written numerous columns on the subject and am the first to jump on a bandwagon for any British wrestler, even Rob Terry... once. For as long as I can remember, my favourite wrestlers have always been British. I’ve liked other wrestlers, but cheering for one of my own makes it that much more personal.
If anyone of you have read any of my columns before you will know that the guy that got me into wrestling was my Granddad Tommy. Every Saturday afternoon we would watch WoS, I’d be fascinated by the characters, the moves and the showmanship, he would sit back and make comments that would both stick with me, and scar me. He was a typically British Grandfather, inappropriate, loved a drink but very family orientated. Saturday was ‘our’ time. So, with the help of the infamous Granddad Tommy, I want to tell you about some of my favourite British wrestlers ever, and ultimately, help me make a tough decision.
Big Daddy
When the rest of the World thinks of British wrestling, they think of Davey Boy Smith. When us Brits think of British wrestling we think of Big Daddy. Quite simply, he was our Hulk Hogan, our flag bearer. A man so burly he was once in the Guinness book of records for having a 64” chest. He had only three real moves, a body-check, a splash and double elbows. He didn’t need anything else, we loved him anyway. Heard a Brit chant “who’s the Daddy”? Then that’s where it came from. If you think HHH had backstage pull you’re wrong. Big Daddy worked a lot of his career for his Brother’s, who created the ‘Big Daddy’ name, oh yeah, his Brother was also the referee, did you expect him to lose?
Being six years old I didn’t care for the ‘politics’ of it all, Shirley Crabtree (his real name) was my hero, my Hulk Hogan. The choice to have him as my favourite wrestler was easy, he was and arguably still is the most recognizable face of British wrestling.
The Hogan comparisons are there to be seen; he had a comic strip and a TV show. He even played the hero at the latter stages of his career. He would tag with Dynamite Kid, Davey Boy Smith and Steven Regal, but would only appear at the end of the match to get the clean win. His career was not, however, totally free of controversy. In 1987 against Max Kirk he used his famous belly-splash. It was unusual for someone not to sell the move; instead Kirk turned over and later died. My Grandfather was there that night, whenever we spoke about wrestling he would talk about it. How the great Big Daddy broke down in the ring, devastated. He hated Crabtree, thought he was an untalented waste of a wrestler. He loved ‘real’ wrestlers like Jonny Saint or Jim Breaks. Being the child I was, I loved Big Daddy. It’s funny that these days those same conversations I held with my Grandfather, I know hold with my young cousins regarding Ken Anderson. After the tragedy Crabtree blamed himself for Kirk’s death (even though it was later proved that he dies of a heart condition) and only really made special appearances.
Granddad Tommy: “He was a fat bastard Chris; I’d like to say he ruined British wrestling. Truth is, nobody has made a nation watch wrestling more than him. Not Hulk Hogan, not Davey Boy Smith not anybody”
Big Daddy was the King of PG, before John Cena was even born. Hated by ‘true’ wrestling fans, lauded by women and children alike, Big Daddy set the trend for what it took to be the most over wrestler about. You didn’t need the talent, just a good push and a modicum of charisma.
Kendo Nagasaki
Peter Thorne was Kendo Nagasaki, the masked samurai warrior who was in parts unknown before parts unknown were known, a true enigma of British wrestling. This gimmick was perfect for the time; there were no internet spoilers no gossip. It felt more real. Hidden behind a red mask, lined with white stripes, he maintained a stony silence; Kendo Nagasaki was an intimidating sight to behold both in and out of the ring. This combined with a genuine understanding of the theatrical aspect of professional wrestling and genuine athleticism made him brilliant as both a heel, and a face.
Nagasaki was another easy choice to have as my favourite, he was intriguing, had a great move-set and must-watch aura of mystery. It was fascinating to me as I had NO idea what he looked like, we all know Rey Mysterio looks like a down syndrome child, whereas Kendo was a true enigma.
We genuinely sat on the edge of our seats to find out who this masked man was. Eleven years he kept fans waiting from 1964 – 1975. I wish I had seen it, I didn’t, but I can quote the one man I know who did; he was 62 when it happened, its Granddad Tommy of course.
Granddad Tommy: “Nobody knew it was going to happen. He was up against Big Daddy, the poor fella didn’t stand a chance, but I watched Kendo give the chubby man a wrestling lesson, he was unbelievable. Big Daddy, out of nearly nowhere took of his mask! I was in shock but one thing stood out to me, he wasn’t even oriental. I liked him even more, I thought he was just some chinky. It was brilliant; you don’t get that with this WWF crap”
Yes, my Granddad was a true wrestling fan, and unbelievably racist. Kendo ‘officially’ un-masked two years later, live on television. Fifteen million people tuned into that. A fifth of the nation, just to see this man they had grown to love. Rey Mysterio, could you do that?
William Regal
So a few weeks ago the Rock came back, yeah that’s OK, I guess. Was it the highlight of that particular show though? NO. William Regal pressing his lips up against the cheek of Zack Ryder was. I LOVED it when he made Goldberg look like a dick, the rap, street fights with Finlay, King of the Ring, I could go on...
Being a Regal has been far from easy though, phrases like underused, great technician, and sublime mic skills are always banded around. Rightly so, but more importantly I have been a Regal mark for so long because he is without doubt one of the greatest entertainers this industry has seen. Does it bother me he never won a World title? Absolutely, and you’re lucky there is a 1500 word limit but it doesn’t alter the fact he has a legion of fans for a reason. My problem now however is that regal is soon to be leaving us as an active wrestler. Where does that leave me? Who do I follow now?
Luckily there is an array of British and Irish talent to be found. The choice about who my new favourite is isn’t easy, but I’ve made my choice....
Choose Life.
Choose to be a wrestling fan.
Choose a lifetime of being questioned.
Choose your favourite superstar.
Choose to bitch about why that favourite doesn’t get a push,
Don’t be afraid to mark out when they do.
Choose British, or Irish.
Choose to fly the flag.
Choose wisely and stand by your word.
Choose to defend that superstar until the bitter end.
Choose staying up ‘til 4am on a Monday morning, blissfully unaware that the world sleeps around you
Choose sitting on your couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing TNA promos.
Thinking you may find your new guy there.
Choose to feel sorry for Nigel McGuiness, Nick Aldis and Doug Williams.
Feel nothing more than embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up writers they have to tolerate.
Choose WWE.
I’ve Chosen my future.
The Chosen one...
Luckily, my Granddad Tommy was tolerant of the Scottish, I’m sure if he were around today, he’d approve.
>>> Click Here to Vote for ChrisBear!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>MitB – Three KingsYou know what I love about WrestleMania? The stories. The pain. The struggle. The redemption. The triumph. More than all of that, I love the back-stories to the matches. This year more than most, each match has months of back-story. Some, years. The John Cena/Miz saga has been going on ever since Miz got drafted to Raw in 2009. Miz would come out every week while Cena was feuding with different people, and "call out" Cena. He did this for a series of weeks until they faced off in a pay-per-view match. Miz was ultimately squashed, losing in 6 minutes. The next night on Raw, they had a rematch and Miz learned from his mistakes just the night before. The match was twice as long, and Miz took it to Cena. John won, as he rightfully should have, but Miz showed that he was a player to be reckoned with.
See that ladies and gentlemen? Back-story. You can even look at the Edge VS Alberto Del Rio match with months of back-story. It started when Christian and ADR had their feud and Del Rio injured Christian. Then, before their 4-Man TLC Match at the TLC PPV for the World Heavyweight Championship, Edge and Del Rio had a run-in backstage involving one of Del Rio's classic cars. Add to the fact that Christian is back, and Del Rio has mercilessly attacked both men repeatedly for 5 months or so, it has a lengthy and detailed back-story.
Concerning this WrestleMania, there are three matches, and more particularly three men, that I have my eye on. I said that I love the extra qualities and themes of WrestleMania. Well these three men have one in particular theme in common: redemption. These three men are Triple H, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and Sheamus.
One of the greatest champions of all time, Triple H, has been known by many monikers over his storied career. He's been known as "The Connecticut Blueblood", a "Degenerate", and most famously, "the Game." Recently, however, he's taken on the moniker "the King of Kings." This nickname is perfect for Triple H, because at this stage of his career, he has done it all. He's won every championship there is to win. He's headlined every show that there is to headline. He's beaten everybody that there is to beat. 2010 was supposed to be a banner year for Triple H, but unfortunately a young upstart by the name of Sheamus took a shot at his legacy. Sheamus, who was likened to a young Triple H, wanted to take out the man who he patterned his career after. After a very good match at WrestleMania 26, Triple H was victorious, and the feud seemed to be finished. That same night, Hunter's best friend Shawn Michaels had his career ended by the Undertaker. The next night on Raw, Triple H was attacked by Sheamus while sharing his thoughts on his best friend's departure. A rematch was set up for Extreme Rules, and from the onset of the pay-per-view, Sheamus dominated Triple H. He attacked him at the start of the show, and brutally attacked him in their match. "The King of Kings" had fallen off of his throne.
We hadn't heard from Triple H for 10 months, until he made his surprising return on the same night as the Undertaker. Remember, the Undertaker is the man who retired Triple H's best friend, Shawn Michaels. On top of that fact, Hunter and the Deadman have had some classic battles and feuds over the years. The two legends had a classic 5-star match at WrestleMania 17, in which the Undertaker continued his WrestleMania winning streak intact. With redemption his mind, for both his legacy and his best friends, Triple H challenged the Undertaker to a Clash of the Titans at WrestleMania 27, with the streak on the line. Of course, Triple H had unfinished business. The Raw after his return, Hunter made an impassioned speech about how he needed to beat the Undertaker, and his old nemesis, Sheamus, came out to confront him. Hunter was finally able to release 10 months of unrequited frustration on Sheamus, viciously attacking him, in a sense gaining revenge for being on the shelf for close to a year. He was now able to put his full focus on the monumental task of ending the Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania 27.
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If I asked you who the most decorated North American wrestler of the past 30 years is, most of you would think of Ric Flair. Very few of you would ever think that Jerry "the King" Lawler would fit that bill. Well, I'm here to tell you that, in fact, he does. Lawler's championship history is extensive, with 32 World Heavyweight Championship reigns to his name and over 160 championships won in his career. Since his tenure with WWE started, however, he has been a bit of an afterthought. When he ended his full-time wrestling career and became a full-time announcer in 1998, he started the era of his career where most of you currently know him from. Lawler was a transcendent announcer, calling some of the greatest matches of all time during his tenure. During his announcing years, however, Lawler occasionally had to step from behind the announcing booth, and lace up his wrestling boots.
Despite all of his accomplishments, the two things that Jerry Lawler has never done in the WWE are that he has never competed at WrestleMania, and he has never won a championship. In late 2010, Lawler started a feud with young upstart WWE Champion, the Miz. Miz is a favorite of Lawler's long time broadcast colleague Michael Cole, who sings his praises boisterously. Lawler had a WWE Championship TLC match with Miz on Miz's first night as WWE Champion, which also happened to be his birthday. In the match, Lawler gave his all, showing that the old wily veteran could take advantage of the brash young upstart's mistakes. At one point in the match, Miz and his protégé Alex Riley were both incapacitated, with only Lawler in the ring by himself. He climbed the ladder, with championship aspirations in his eyes, until in a shocking turn, his broadcast colleague Michael Cole attacked him in the ring, effectively costing Lawler the match. Lawler and Miz feuded off and on for the next two months, but the issue between Cole and Lawler came to the forefront. Cole, long maligned by wrestling fans for years, became overly cocky and self-absorbed. He began verbally abusing Lawler, and becoming more and more outlandish in his commentary. Finally, just nights after Jerry Lawler lost his mother and a WWE Championship match against the Miz, Cole called him out, attacking him in his moment of loss. Lawler challenged him to a match at WrestleMania, and Cole reluctantly agreed, calling on Jack Swagger to help him in his journey. Recently on Raw, Cole brought out Jerry's son Brian Christopher, which claimed that Lawler was a terrible father and wanted nothing to do with him. This led to an attack on Lawler and his best friend, Hall of Famer and announcing great Jim Ross, by Cole and Swagger. After the tumultuous couple of months that Jerry Lawler has been dealing with, he has a chance at redemption when he faces Michael Cole at WrestleMania 27, with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the referee.
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As I mentioned earlier, young upstart Sheamus has shown himself to be a player in the current day WWE. From his early beginnings in the WWE's version of ECW where he dominated, to his early months on Raw where he ended Jamie Noble's career, Sheamus has shown that he belongs at the top of the pecking order. In his rookie year, he defeated John Cena to become the WWE Champion. After feuds with both Cena and Triple H, he won the WWE Championship for the second time in 2010. Sheamus was on top of the world. In late 2010, the prestigious King of the Ring competition made it's return to the WWE. Sheamus took part, and despite a huge threat from John Morrison, he became the new King of the Ring. Being a man of deep Irish decent, he took his newly won kingship to heart. He changed his attire, as well as his attitude.
Despite his huge accomplishments in 2010, once King Sheamus won the King of the Ring, he fell victim to a huge losing streak. He lost match after match, most importantly losing his confidence. Recently, he decided to forget his King attire, and go back to his roots as the Celtic Warrior. He started a feud with Daniel Bryan, in which if he didn't win Bryan's US Championship, he would quit the WWE. Sheamus, despite looking like he had the match lost, pulled off a huge Brogue Kick on Bryan as he jumped off of the top rope, and became the new US Champion. You could visibly see the confidence come back to Sheamus instantly. There is no announced match for Sheamus at WrestleMania 27, but there's no doubt that the King of the Ring and US Champion will definitely be in action. He will continue to look for redemption as he tries to live up to his storied Celtic history.
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All three of these men have been great in their careers. All three of these men have been deemed kings in their careers. Most importantly, in recent times, all three Kings have been knocked off of their throne. Be it for a span of years (Lawler), months (Triple H), or weeks (Sheamus); all three men have been maligned. Now is their chance at redemption. On April 3rd, WrestleMania 27 will take place in Atlanta, Georgia. The King of Kings, the King, and the King of the Ring will all be in action at some point. Will they be able to move past the adversity that they faced in 2010? Or will the move forth and take back their rightful place: on wrestling's throne? Personally, I can't wait to see.
FIN
>>> Click Here to Vote for Rey Ca$h!
______________________________________________________Alright let’s take a breather and wrap up Pool C of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour. Hopefully, you dingleberries didn’t exhaust those fingertips too much because Priest & Mavsman are scheduled to cock fight this Tuesday for a coveted spot in the Finals. Seeing as how there’s a lengthy stretch of time until then, I encourage readers to vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE! Then walk around the bedroom/living room/office, stretch your limbs and keep on voting. Romeo, ChrisBear and Rey Ca$h know from personal experience that feedback on the Main Page isn’t kind to CFers so how about dispelling that theory? Their respective email addresses are conveniently listed below so get to clicking, cunt stains.
>>> Email Romeo
>>> Email ChrisBear
>>> Email Rey Ca$h
TripleBanger Promotional Tour (Quarterfinals -- Pool B)
Promotional Tour (Quarterfinals – Pool B)
Hola amigos. Tis’ time to fulfill the middle portion of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour. The Quarterfinals chug along as three of the column’s original members duke it out for a spot amongst Hustle, SkittleZ, Super Chrisss, Sean Taylor, Morpheus and others. This is when the weak are exposed and every remaining competitor starts feeling an intense pressure in the anus region. Don’t forget – voting for Pool A is still open for another 24 hours so voice your opinions before we reach the deadline. For you lame bastards who don’t frequent the LOP Forums, here are the latest standings:
[Pool A]
Priest – 20
Mavsman – 15
Jovanbkt – 13
As for the individuals in today’s column, all votes should be sent directly to SkitzLOP@aol.com. The turnout thus far has been sweet tits and at this rate, I expect more votes in my inbox with the passing of every round. However I probably just jinxed it all to hell and cursed this competition from succeeding in any form or fashion. Nonetheless, voting for this particular trio will remain open until 9pm eastern on Sunday evening. Bloodline, OniBarubary & Da_shee are featured below… Wait did I wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick’s Day earlier? God dammit my short term memory sucks.
A Matter Of TimeI’ve seen several people say they aren’t excited about Wrestlemania and I’ve seen others say they aren’t. To be truthful, I wasn’t that thrilled about the plans for Mania before Randy Orton vs CM Punk and The Undertaker vs Triple H were announced. Let’s face it, The Miz is still awful and Alberto Del Rio just doesn’t really do much for some people. I personally like the guy, but that might just be me. Regardless, neither man had much of a chance of making their match mean something at Wrestlemania. Despite being the great workers they are, John Cena and Edge both have trouble carrying someone else and it’s quite obvious all the work has fallen on their shoulders. Neither match has Wrestlemania headline quality on it. By all rights neither does CM Punk vs Randy Orton, but the match has far more intrigue to it than the two title matches.
Still, the match that saves Wrestlemania this year is Triple H vs The Undertaker whether anyone likes it or not. It’s not secret the match won’t be the most epic confrontation of storytelling like Shawn has given us the last two years, rather I think we see a Triple H and The Undertaker slug it out for a good twenty minutes until The Undertaker gets the tombstone and walks away to the injury reserve for a little while longer. Once again, it may not be the most exciting match to ever hit your ears, but it is the best match WWE can give aside from John Cena vs The Undertaker.
In Mavs column on Tuesday he touched on the idea that it is time for both Triple H and The Undertaker to ride off into the sunset and end their careers and by all rights I can see that. It’s actually almost crazy to think that I’ve often mentioned in the past three years I’ve been writing columns that this time was coming and to think it’s really here is just crazy. With both men gone though, WWE won’t have anyone that can bail them out when they feel like John Cena vs The Miz can be a big draw despite disaster being wrote all over it.
I guess where I’m going with this is that every year WWE makes sure to say that THIS Wrestlemania will be the biggest one ever and in some cases the year after is usually better. However, how long can WWE keep saying it and actually be honest about it? Losing The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels and Triple H only furthers how hard it will actually be. Wrestlemania is about putting on the card of the year and there isn’t much hope for any of WWE’s current guys to be able to fill those shoes aside from a guy like CM Punk who really has more that he can offer.
To be brutally honest, before we hit Wrestlemania 30 we are going to see Vince McMahon HAVE to do something that he hasn’t done in a while. What is that you ask? Co-promote with another company.
Before you feel like that is crazy talk, bare with me here. I don’t mean to completely co-promote with another company as we all know WWE is more than capable of producing a show all on their own, but as far as the main event goes (or more importantly the big selling match), WWE is fixing to run out of big marquee match-ups to sell Wrestlemania. Miz vs Cena isn’t bigger than Cena vs Batista or even Edge vs Jericho. You definitely can’t put Miz vs Cena above Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels (either of them). I truly feel that the only way to gain a big match in the coming years at Wrestlemania is to look outside of the company for guys to come in and do one-offs. Enter AJ Styles.
He may not be what you would imagine as a savior, but he would be, if WWE were smart. It’s not secret, we know AJ has some God-awful faith for TNA and refuses to sign with WWE resulting in many of you to smash your skulls into your keyboard on a daily basis, but if WWE could just sign him for Wrestlemania the rest would work itself out in the end. TNA isn’t in the WWE’s league, but AJ happens to be the PWI Wrestler of the Year and that does mean something whether you believe what PWI says or not. That tells me that despite TNA’s shitty booking decisions and refusal to push the right guys, AJ Styles was still able to put on a stellar year and be commended for it.
Where this ties into Wrestlemania is really simple. Enter CM Punk. AJ is a natural face, so having him face John Cena or even Randy Orton wouldn’t be as exciting as someone like CM Punk who could enter the Impact Zone to defend himself and have a field day with the Impact Zone crowd. Maybe I listen to the video packages too closely, but Wrestlemania is about making moments that last forever and no one can tell me that if AJ Styles were to show up at Wrestlemania and participate in a match as a TNA superstar that it wouldn’t sell. I just don’t see how it couldn’t. The cross promotion rivalry and their past matches could all be brought up and built into a story. Wouldn’t be hard in the least do.
After watching TNA’s tapings in Fayetteville, it’s pretty clear that TNA aren’t going to help themselves and the only way TNA will get better is if WWE were to help them. Imagine the rub TNA would get if WWE were to follow through on something like this. Still, what if CM Punk had of showed up at that February 24thepisode of Impact and called out AJ Styles on the spot? I couldn’t care less about this angle with Flair and neither should CM Punk in this case. Open the show with CM Punk calling out AJ Styles.
Dixie Carter goes on about “surprises” all the time, but this would truly be a surprise to fans. Especially since they only would have had about two hours to find out before the show aired. WWE fans that didn’t care about TNA would tune in a heartbeat to see what CM Punk was doing. You wouldn’t even have to tell CM Punk to attack the fans or TNA’s superstars. Just simply call AJ out. The match would sell itself. WWE vs TNA at Wrestlemania. “Take the fight” to TNA, not the other way around. Now you’ve created yet another big match at Wrestlemania and all you have to do is pay AJ Styles to appear on RAW a couple of times (like Rock is currently doing) and for the match at Wrestlemania. Sure the match would probably end in a draw, but the exposure TNA would get from it would invariably help their case, which we would hope would help WWE in the long run.
At the end of the day these guys are all brothers that have a passion for the same thing. It doesn’t matter if it’s TNA, ROH, AAA, CMLL, NJPW, Europe Feds, or wherever. It’s all the same. If this is TRULY Wrestlemania, then why not go for it? Sure you may keep anywhere from one to four guys off the card by reaching out and getting a guy like AJ Styles, but didn’t WWE shit-can the Money in the Bank this year? Didn’t the Money in the Bank (in all its clusterfuckness) allow a spot at Wrestlemania for EIGHT guys? WWE is clearly willing to hold guys off the card with no outside names taking the spots from them anyway. Don’t start with me about the Team Smackdown vs The Corre match.
It’s obvious that AJ Styles is apparently comfortable with his low-level position in TNA or he wouldn’t be getting lessons from Matt Hardy about being a victim of what “the suits want” (how ironic, eh?). If he honestly cared about his career he’d have left for greener shores. Worst case, he takes the WWE deal and ends up like Booker T eating shit in the midcard. Making six figures to be the Intercontinental or United States Champion sounds way more lucrative and entertaining than making probably five figures to eat shit in TNA. I love Ric Flair to death, but Flair has lost his God damn marbles and it doesn’t help when you hand Matt Hardy a microphone. Ouch! AJ is better than this non-sense.
So yes, I’m saying help the competition. Yes, book a guy from another brand on your company’s biggest show (not like you didn’t use to in the 90s). Yes, make money off someone else who isn’t smart enough to make the money for themselves. Then again, for a company that doesn’t rest on it laurels, you already knew that didn’t you?
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<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>In-CredibleAlright dearest readers, bear with me as I jump from the mountain of creative columns and plunge into the depths of…ugh *shudder* “normal columns” Nothing against those that review PPVs or write about where they see the Rock/Cena shenanigans ending up or whatever the fuck it is normal column writers write about, it’s just not my bag (in much the same way that slamming my dick in a car door for hours on end isn’t my thing). But today I shall take that dive headlong and further attempt column competition suicide and talk to you gents (and lads…laids…fuck, what’s the shortened version of “ladies”?) about something near and dear to far too many people out there.
Credibility.
This word gets thrown around so much and has become synonymous with “I don’t like this wrestler and don’t want him to have that fake, storyline prop on his waist” which is in itself a longer version of “I’m not particularly good at arguing.” Don’t get me wrong, credibility is important but so few actually use it in the way it should be done. If you do, kudos, you have my blessings (in nomine Oni). But for those of you that are left out in the rain on this one, allow me to provide you with an umbrella.
Credibility, though maligned by the vicious jaw-flapping of a thousand idiots, is affected by two simple things: booking and writing. That is all. This will be on the test. Class dismissed.
…
What, not good enough? You irascible rapscallions, you’re lucky this isn’t China. Fine, I guess I can explain further. I don’t even get overtime for this.
Credibility is booking and writing, it is not a wrestlers actual size, be it height or weight, nor the background that they came from nor the clothes they wear (they are not a unique snowflake) nor gender (that’s a whole ‘nother column I am not writing about) nor even their goddam ring-name. These are things that are supposed to be taken care of or utilized in order to bestow credibility, but years of awful booking and writing has clouded the minds of people and they have someone come to believe that it is these immutable aspects that actually define whether a wrestler is credible or not. WWE, being the face of professional wrestling, and WCW made this happen. It is their fault that so many posts describe being a credible opponent/champion/wrestler like they would an ad searching for the next big gay pornstar. I find it absolutely brain-destroying that men with bodies like Stan Hansen or Bruiser Brody (men who could emancipate Batista’s head from his body with a lariat) nowadays are scoffed at and ridiculed. For a group as homophobic as wrestling fans, you’d think they wouldn’t care so much about another man’s looks.
I digress; I think the best way to illustrate my point is by taking a look at comedy wrestlers, one of the few areas where people use credibility properly (even if it is by accident). Why are comedy wrestlers not looked at as credible champions or even contenders for the belt? That’s right folks, the old B&W, booking and writing. They are treated as jokes, overdone selling, acting like Walmart greeters in promos as other wrestlers run verbal laps around them, losing through silly means or being shown completely inept in the ring. How do you make people believe a comedy character, one who wears the skirt in his relationship, can realistically challenge for a belt? Allow me to disgrace myself by fantasy booking for a moment. Have him win some matches through his brains and shenanigans, confusing opponents with his weirdness. Or team him up with a very big and strong wrestler who teaches him along the way. Have him bust out moves occasionally in matches to show he’s learning while still keeping his actions over the top and humorous. Make him get the win over weaker teams and wrestlers to show that he’s getting better over a period of time all while still doing his silly skits. You can even have him be a big scaredy-cat but that makes him hard to hit with moves in the ring because he weasels his way out of them. You build and build until he starts winning and no one bats an eye at it. You have him and his partner take the tag belts due to catching his opponents off-guard with how much he has improved or how good he’s become. You do not need to violently alter his character, how he looks or anything that makes him him. Look at Santino, who I have just basically described. He is still a comedy wrestler. When he was doing his shtick with Beth did anyone think he was a credible champ or contender? He’s almost the exact same as he was then, but how could people possibly think he is credible now? Because WWE told you he is.
And that’s what it comes down to. You know who is credible? Whoever WWE says is. The only reason people equate size with credibility is because that’s what WWE and WCW were telling people for years. Their spoken “truths” became your reality as fans. You only saw these musclechodes trading the belt from one well-oiled body to the next for years upon years. What else were you supposed to equate as credible if they no sold cruiserweights and tossed Mysterios into trucks. They built their history on size and definition, turning smaller men, less defined men, into the crushed civilizations that were lost in dusty, unread tomes stuck in the “books on clearance” pile. After being told for so long “this is how things are” people just accept it.
The reason why you hear Daniel Bryan Danielson isn’t believable as a threat to main event wrestlers is because WWE has started to believe their own horseshit. Or maybe not, maybe they just wish to maintain the status quo because it’s easier, which is of course questionable seeing as the fans will believe whatever they’re told. It’s not as hard as they think. It’s not like real life and other forms of media aren’t full of David and Goliath stories, or the smart hero outwitting his stronger enemy or whatever. There are thousands of tropes that people believe everyday that WWE could use. The only effort would be people’s initial resistance to these new truths; after the hole they dug themselves into, it’s not surprising that they’d have to maybe make a little effort to fill that hole back in. Find someone people like, somewhat over but is held back due to years of narrow booking, like an Evan Bourne. Someone who the crowd already connects with in some regard that will help them over that first hurdle of non-believability. Have wrestlers sell his offense better, treat his kicks like knockout punches and sell him throwing his entire body at an opponent like death. Have him quick on his feet and capable of avoiding those power moves so his fragility is not a concern because he doesn’t get hit as much. Or on the flip side, have him over time kick out of moves, maybe even a finisher or two from lower level guys in long matches. Make him a son of a bitch who just will not quit. Put him over on commentary, USE YOUR FUCKING COMMENTARY TEAM TO PUT OVER YOUR STARS AND THEIR MOVES. Keep them building up Bourne and mention all the shit I just said, TELL THE AUDIENCE that he won’t give up and throws his body into his moves or that he can’t be pinned down and just puts everything into it out there. If people already like the guy it will only build and build. You’re not taking a wrestler the crowd sits on their hands for and giving them a losing streak. You’re not dumping someone into the main event and throwing your hands up in the air when they don’t get over, crying “Why, it must be HIS fault!” This is not rocket science, I don’t care what people say, booking is not that hard. Take a technical wrestler like Danielson. A man who receives middling to okay reactions when his entrance music hits that turn into raucous cheers and “This-is-awe-some” chants by the end of his matches. Do I REALLY need to go into how he could be built credibly if you just let him out-wrestle some goddam bigger opponents? Just kick them in the goddam head and twist them like a pretzel? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
Skitz is giving me the throat-cut sign, so I either need to wrap up or he’s gonna flip me upside down and stick my head between his legs. I could literally write a thesis on this kind of stuff, but I think this’ll do it for today.
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<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>The Irish WhipThe luck of the Irish is upon us as another St. Patrick’s day comes by. It’s the one day of the year where everyone feels that little bit greener than usual. The luck of the Irish is a phrase that goes back many many years. Where as the phrase’s origin is not particularly clear, it is a trait that can be applied to almost all walks of life. Down through the years in the WWE we have seen just about everything but do we ever think of the lucky moments in wrestling? In this edition of the Irish Whip and in the spirit of St. Patrick’s day, da_shee looks at how the luck of the Irish has extended to the WWE down through the years. Indeed there have been some lucky occurrences in the world to wrestling; here are some that I consider among the luckiest.
3. Santino Marella defeats Umaga for the Intercontinental title.
Watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBClti8r6YY&feature=related
When the WWE gave us a rare live show that wasn’t in the US, Canada or the UK, one could expect that maybe something special was going to happen. On April 16, 2007, Vince McMahon goaded a fiery Italian audience into volunteering a challenger for Umaga’s Intercontinental title. After leafing through an array of prospective challengers, Vince selected an inconspicuous gentleman from the first row to challenge Umaga. This, of course, is a documented technique in wrestling whereby a pro-wrestler is planted in the crowd and then selected to challenge a wrestler apparently at random. At this point the Samoan bulldozer was heavily pushed as one of the most powerful heels in the WWE and had only been defeated by two men prior to this match. So when ‘local’ boy Santino Marella stepped into the ring opposite Umaga, the outcome seemed pretty pre-determined.
But alas, eyebrows all over the IWC were suspiciously raised when young Santino unloaded on Umaga with a barrage of punches and kicks before scoring the near fall. This volunteer appeared to have a little more wrestling ability than the average fan. None the less it wasn’t long before Vince McMahon stacked the odds even more so against the challenger by declaring the match no holds barred. Umaga quickly gained the upper hand on the young Italian and all hope of a shock title change appeared to vanquish. That was until Bobby Lashley appeared and turned the match on its head. Lashley set his sights firmly on Umaga and delivered a chair shot that had all of Italy on their feet. He then firmly placed Santino on top of the incapacitated Samoan to score the shock victory and crown a new Intercontinental champion. As the IWC rushed to their key boards to discover the identity of Santino, WWE witnessed one of its most shocking moments in years. An unknown audience member, wrestler or not, came in and won the WWE Intercontinental title.
Santino has gone on to hold the Intercontinental title on another occasion as well as becoming a tag team champion with Vladmir Kozlov. He can also technically add 2011 Royal Rumble runner up to his list of accomplishments. Santino provided WWE with some of its funnier segments over the last few years during his heel run and subsequent face turn. I think, given his success with the fans, one can expect to see Santino competing for the WWE for some time to come. For Santino Marella, his success both in the past and in the future all began with that little bit of luck one night in Italy.
2. 123-Kid defeats Razor Ramon
Watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoAFLkFqPo&feature=related
This dates all the way back to when I first started watching wrestling. The formula at the time was very strict. Each wrestling show be it Raw, Superstars or Wrestling Challenge had a main event. But before that main event, WWE generally showcased their stars by having them pick up easy victories. These easy victories came over local jobbers or ‘enhancement talent’. It was pretty easy to spot one of these unlucky individuals as they were generally found in the ring following a commercial break and were strictly denied their own entrance. Combined with unspectacular names like “Bob Reilly” or “John Morgan”, fans became accustomed to expecting little more than a squash match when these wrestlers were involved. So in 1993, when a kid by the name of “The Kid” was seen pacing the ring ahead of a contest with one of WWE’s biggest heels Razor Ramon, you could forgive the WWE fans for expecting a quick victory for Razor.
But what they received was much the opposite. After taking a beating from his opponent for much of the match, the Kid finds himself climbing the corner turnbuckle and hoisting himself onto the top rope. Then, in a move I had never seen in the WWE up until this point, the Kid moonsaults directly onto Razor Ramon and picks up the 1-2-3 over the bad guy. The crowd go absolutely nuts for this unexpected victory. A jobber defeats one of WWE’s top stars. Such things were such a rarity in the WWE and for this Kid to find himself defeating a man as dominant as Razor Ramon was seen a nothing short of ‘lucky’. But luck in the ring transcends to luck outside the ring for this was only the starting point for the Kid, who later became the 1-2-3 Kid.
It was the big break for a young Sean Waltman who later went on to become X-Pac, Syxx Pac, 6-Pack and numerous other names that ‘X’ and ‘-‘ in them. Maybe not considered one of the all time greats in wrestling circles but certainly a star that will be remembered in years to come. For Sean Waltman, it all began that night against Razor with that little bit of luck.
1. Vince McMahon defeats HHH for the WWE title.
Watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3B-afZT4Fk
The integrity of world title is paramount to any wrestling organisation. The star power of a world champion is such because he holds a prestigious title that has been held by many greats before him. It is imperative that a wrestling organisation associates only the very best stars with the company’s top championships. So when you decide to have the non-wrestling owner defeat your world champion and top heel in the company for the WWE championship, you better do it right. I am referring to the moment when Mr. McMahon defeated HHH for the WWE title back in September 1999. I believe this was not only done right but done perfectly. Putting a world title on an owner or celebrity was considered one of the poorest ever moves by rivals WCW. But when WWE gave Vince McMahon a brief world title run, it went down as one the all time shocking WWE moments.
I believe this move is also a testament to the quality of HHH’s heel character at the time. HHH was in the midst of his first world title reign and heavily engaged in a feud with Vince McMahon. HHH brought something new to the WWE title. He brought a heel attitude that the fans detested. During the attitude era, fans were exposed to every edgey modern gimmick you could think of but one of the best things of all was the rise of a champion that the fans could not wait to see dethroned. This title change was a move that had everything a WWE fan was looking for at the time. HHH was a dominant heel champion that you just loved to hate. Seeing him drop the title brought a smile to every WWE fan’s face. Likewise the attitude era was a non-stop freight train of shocking moments and this, above maybe all, was certainly shocking. It did not seem possible that Vince could pick up the win here.
We as fans expect the unexpected, but seriously, how is Vince McMahon going to be world champion? It just didn’t make sense. So to go from having you ass beaten, your son knocked out and your wife held hostage in front of you to having your greatest nemesis, Steve Austin, run to your aid, save the day and assist you in winning the greatest prize in world wrestling; well one could argue that you just received that little bit of luck you’ve been looking for.
Shocking? Outrageous? Unthinkable? Perhaps but above all these moments had their share of luck. Of course maybe there have been other lucky moments in the WWE but for me those above were some of the luckiest. Feel free to share some of your thoughts on lucky moments with me by e-mail or by comment below. I thank you all for joining me this week and do hope everyone has enjoyed another St. Patrick’s day.
Slán go foill.
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______________________________________________________Alright let’s drop the curtains and wrap up Pool B of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour. Hopefully, you ass pirates didn’t exhaust those fingertips too much because Romeo, ChrisBear & Rey Ca$h are scheduled to bang knuckles this Saturday for a coveted spot in the Semifinals. Seeing as how there’s a lengthy stretch of time until then, I encourage readers to vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE! Then walk around the bedroom/living room/office, stretch your limbs and keep on voting. Bloodline, OniBarubary and Da_shee know from personal experience that feedback on the Main Page isn’t kind to CFers so how about dispelling that theory? Their respective email addresses are conveniently listed below so get to clicking, dildos.
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