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Promotional Tour (Quarterfinals – Pool C)

Oh snap, crackle and pop! The last leg of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour Quarterfinals are upon us. Feeling anxious? Nervous? Pissed? Tired? Hungry? Aroused? Anything!? Jesus Christ show some fucking emotion, people. I mean this competition can’t be THAT boring, right? These selfish bastards below can write their asses off which is why we’re here after all. According to my math, the newest addition to the Main Page will be crowned in less than two weeks. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy for light at the end of the tunnel. Voting for Pool A closed Friday night and thus another participant has been bounced from the field. Here are the final tallies:

[Pool A]

Priest – 20 (Advances)
Mavsman – 19 (Advances)
Jovanbkt – 15 (Eliminated)

Awwww what a shame. Jovan’s historical pieces were adored amongst the MP audience and a true highlight of the TripleBanger each week. Not more than Mavsy’s piece from Tuesday obviously but I appreciate the dedication Jovan put into the series and his positive attitude. You can catch his blogs and columns down in the LOP Forums. Meanwhile, Pool B remains open for another 24 hours… current vote totals anyone?

[Pool B]

Bloodline – 9
OniBarubary – 11
Da_shee – 16

Interesting to see Oni not dominating the opposition for a change. Man’s coming back down to Earth a bit. However it appears the author of “It’s Time To Play The Game” is in solid position to advance which is all that matters. Any votes for today’s trio should be sent to SkitzLOP@aol.com. Keep in mind that Pool C stays active until 9pm eastern on Tuesday evening. Now brace yourselves for Filipinos, Brits and Negros – variety galore!

Ro’s Book Club:
Undisputed & Cross Rhodes

Hello LOP, my name is Romeo and it’s time for Round 2 of the TripleBanger competition, and this is my stuff. First of all, I appreciate your reaction to Twittermania very much, and as much as I would love to do another one for this round, I cannot right now – there’s a need to diversify. So without much further ado, let’s get on with it!

Let’s get one thing straight – wrestlers love to write books, and we wrestling fans love to read them. All of them, even the worst-written ones, depict a very human side of the people we love to watch getting beat up on the screen; their storied lives, especially those rasslers who have more writing talent, are much deeper when written on paper.

One more thing, you can’t be a rookie, or a wrestler who has only been in the business for five years, and already expect to write an autobiography. It obviously doesn’t work that way.

Today I’m going to review two of the latest autobiographies to come out of WWE Books – Cross Rhodes: Goldust, Out of the Darkness by… Goldust, obviously, and Undisputed: How to Become the World Champion in 1,372 Easy Steps. Goldust and Jericho are two of the WWE’s most beloved veterans, and these releases are quite important for different reasons; Jericho’s because everyone (except Uncle Joe) wants to hear his witty take on his career, and Goldust’s because it’s heavily hyped as the story of how he overcame his demons, and I tore into both with quite the eagerness.

First, let’s begin with Jericho’s book. His first book, A Lion’s Tale, covered his early life and his career up until he made his WWF debut, and appropriately, Undisputed begins at the promo wherein he interrupted the Rock. It is from this moment where the shocking (or not-so-shocking, depending on how closely you were following the situation then) revelations that he rubbed a lot of people, including Vince himself, the wrong way early on in his career.

The strength of the book lies in the early parts, since there is just a natural progression from his debut for the WWE, while it gets really slow when he starts to talk about Fozzy. While I’m aware that he is entitled to talk about his side projects, it really wasn’t an interest of mine; I open a wrestling book to read about wrestling, but to each his own. (You can imagine that it definitely slows down after his 2005 send-off.) He ends the book just at his 2008 return, which is a shame because given his second leaving at around September last year, there was enough time for him to include his critically-acclaimed second run.

Jericho is a witty person, there’s obviously no doubt about that given his funniest mic work, and it’s something to appreciate because wrestlers who can actually write without the help of a ghost or accompanying writer, such as him, Mick Foley and Edge, are rare in the business. Given that, there’s not really anything negative you can say about his writing style; it’s fluid, natural and free, and definitely not PG, for all you PG haters out there.

If there is one real gripe I have about the book, it’s that when he feels he doesn’t have anything to say about something, he’ll gloss over it. He glossed over some considerable detail, fast-forwarding through 2003 to 2005; that means there was hardly anything about storylines such as his angle with Christian and Trish Stratus, and it was because he felt pretty bummed about being bumped down to the midcard after having been Undisputed champion.

All in all, if you’re a Jericho fan or just a wrestling fan, pick up this book. It’ll definitely be the strongest (and one of the funniest) book release of this year (if there are any others coming at all). No one, save for Foley, can top Jericho. 4/5 stars.

Second is Goldust’s book. It’s been hyped non-stop by the man himself, and many of his loyal followers have loved it and sworn by it, but is it worth the hype?

The nicest way I can put it? It’s definitely a touching story… but it’s not a good book.

You know when wrestlers hire a writer to write the book for them as they just dictate? The result is almost always a book that just feels unnatural, and contains only a mere hint of the wrestler’s voice. (For a good example of this phenomenon, read Batista’s book.)

The problem is… Goldust would’ve been better off hiring a writer to do it for him. Yes, that’s how bad his writing is, and yes, he himself confirms inside the book itself that he wrote all of it long-hand.

I’m not sure if it was the drugs, or whatever, but Goldust does not use any other punctuation mark. No exclamation points, no queston marks, hell, not even an ellipsis, and the result is that he comes across as plain – not entirely emotionless, just plain and bland – and it ends up being a quick and boring read, which works against him especially in the most emotionally intense moments of his life. Cody is a better writer; Dustin should’ve made him go over it.

However, all of that is not to say that his story isn’t amazing. It’s actually very similar to Eddie Guerrero’s, and just as powerful because he really managed to overcome. Despite my beef with the subpar writing style, I was still touched by his life and how he’s succeeded. It’s not entirely as cathartic or dramatic as Eddie’s because he didn’t cap his career with a WWE Championship win, but the important point of both his life and his book is that he overcame his demons, and mission accomplished.

So if you can get over the writing, then Cross Rhodes manages to stand up on its own. But if you can’t, then it only limps towards the finish line. 2/5 stars.

>>> Click Here to Vote for Romeo!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>My Choice

After receiving some great feedback in the previous round, one thing really stood out to me. I received an email from someone I have never heard from before; someone out there in reader-land was concerned...

“Half of the people who visit this site are British so it needs a British writer, I know a few people who would love to see what you have done in the columns forum replicated on LOP.net. We NEED a British writer here”

Time to step up...

I’m extremely proud of Britain’s wrestling heritage. I have written numerous columns on the subject and am the first to jump on a bandwagon for any British wrestler, even Rob Terry... once. For as long as I can remember, my favourite wrestlers have always been British. I’ve liked other wrestlers, but cheering for one of my own makes it that much more personal.

If anyone of you have read any of my columns before you will know that the guy that got me into wrestling was my Granddad Tommy. Every Saturday afternoon we would watch WoS, I’d be fascinated by the characters, the moves and the showmanship, he would sit back and make comments that would both stick with me, and scar me. He was a typically British Grandfather, inappropriate, loved a drink but very family orientated. Saturday was ‘our’ time. So, with the help of the infamous Granddad Tommy, I want to tell you about some of my favourite British wrestlers ever, and ultimately, help me make a tough decision.

Big Daddy

When the rest of the World thinks of British wrestling, they think of Davey Boy Smith. When us Brits think of British wrestling we think of Big Daddy. Quite simply, he was our Hulk Hogan, our flag bearer. A man so burly he was once in the Guinness book of records for having a 64” chest. He had only three real moves, a body-check, a splash and double elbows. He didn’t need anything else, we loved him anyway. Heard a Brit chant “who’s the Daddy”? Then that’s where it came from. If you think HHH had backstage pull you’re wrong. Big Daddy worked a lot of his career for his Brother’s, who created the ‘Big Daddy’ name, oh yeah, his Brother was also the referee, did you expect him to lose?

Being six years old I didn’t care for the ‘politics’ of it all, Shirley Crabtree (his real name) was my hero, my Hulk Hogan. The choice to have him as my favourite wrestler was easy, he was and arguably still is the most recognizable face of British wrestling.

The Hogan comparisons are there to be seen; he had a comic strip and a TV show. He even played the hero at the latter stages of his career. He would tag with Dynamite Kid, Davey Boy Smith and Steven Regal, but would only appear at the end of the match to get the clean win. His career was not, however, totally free of controversy. In 1987 against Max Kirk he used his famous belly-splash. It was unusual for someone not to sell the move; instead Kirk turned over and later died. My Grandfather was there that night, whenever we spoke about wrestling he would talk about it. How the great Big Daddy broke down in the ring, devastated. He hated Crabtree, thought he was an untalented waste of a wrestler. He loved ‘real’ wrestlers like Jonny Saint or Jim Breaks. Being the child I was, I loved Big Daddy. It’s funny that these days those same conversations I held with my Grandfather, I know hold with my young cousins regarding Ken Anderson. After the tragedy Crabtree blamed himself for Kirk’s death (even though it was later proved that he dies of a heart condition) and only really made special appearances.

Granddad Tommy: “He was a fat bastard Chris; I’d like to say he ruined British wrestling. Truth is, nobody has made a nation watch wrestling more than him. Not Hulk Hogan, not Davey Boy Smith not anybody”

Big Daddy was the King of PG, before John Cena was even born. Hated by ‘true’ wrestling fans, lauded by women and children alike, Big Daddy set the trend for what it took to be the most over wrestler about. You didn’t need the talent, just a good push and a modicum of charisma.

Kendo Nagasaki

Peter Thorne was Kendo Nagasaki, the masked samurai warrior who was in parts unknown before parts unknown were known, a true enigma of British wrestling. This gimmick was perfect for the time; there were no internet spoilers no gossip. It felt more real. Hidden behind a red mask, lined with white stripes, he maintained a stony silence; Kendo Nagasaki was an intimidating sight to behold both in and out of the ring. This combined with a genuine understanding of the theatrical aspect of professional wrestling and genuine athleticism made him brilliant as both a heel, and a face.

Nagasaki was another easy choice to have as my favourite, he was intriguing, had a great move-set and must-watch aura of mystery. It was fascinating to me as I had NO idea what he looked like, we all know Rey Mysterio looks like a down syndrome child, whereas Kendo was a true enigma.

We genuinely sat on the edge of our seats to find out who this masked man was. Eleven years he kept fans waiting from 1964 – 1975. I wish I had seen it, I didn’t, but I can quote the one man I know who did; he was 62 when it happened, its Granddad Tommy of course.

Granddad Tommy: “Nobody knew it was going to happen. He was up against Big Daddy, the poor fella didn’t stand a chance, but I watched Kendo give the chubby man a wrestling lesson, he was unbelievable. Big Daddy, out of nearly nowhere took of his mask! I was in shock but one thing stood out to me, he wasn’t even oriental. I liked him even more, I thought he was just some chinky. It was brilliant; you don’t get that with this WWF crap”

Yes, my Granddad was a true wrestling fan, and unbelievably racist. Kendo ‘officially’ un-masked two years later, live on television. Fifteen million people tuned into that. A fifth of the nation, just to see this man they had grown to love. Rey Mysterio, could you do that?

William Regal

So a few weeks ago the Rock came back, yeah that’s OK, I guess. Was it the highlight of that particular show though? NO. William Regal pressing his lips up against the cheek of Zack Ryder was. I LOVED it when he made Goldberg look like a dick, the rap, street fights with Finlay, King of the Ring, I could go on...

Being a Regal has been far from easy though, phrases like underused, great technician, and sublime mic skills are always banded around. Rightly so, but more importantly I have been a Regal mark for so long because he is without doubt one of the greatest entertainers this industry has seen. Does it bother me he never won a World title? Absolutely, and you’re lucky there is a 1500 word limit but it doesn’t alter the fact he has a legion of fans for a reason. My problem now however is that regal is soon to be leaving us as an active wrestler. Where does that leave me? Who do I follow now?

Luckily there is an array of British and Irish talent to be found. The choice about who my new favourite is isn’t easy, but I’ve made my choice....

Choose Life.
Choose to be a wrestling fan.
Choose a lifetime of being questioned.
Choose your favourite superstar.
Choose to bitch about why that favourite doesn’t get a push,
Don’t be afraid to mark out when they do.
Choose British, or Irish.
Choose to fly the flag.
Choose wisely and stand by your word.
Choose to defend that superstar until the bitter end.
Choose staying up ‘til 4am on a Monday morning, blissfully unaware that the world sleeps around you
Choose sitting on your couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing TNA promos.
Thinking you may find your new guy there.
Choose to feel sorry for Nigel McGuiness, Nick Aldis and Doug Williams.
Feel nothing more than embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up writers they have to tolerate.
Choose WWE.
I’ve Chosen my future.
The Chosen one...

Luckily, my Granddad Tommy was tolerant of the Scottish, I’m sure if he were around today, he’d approve.

>>> Click Here to Vote for ChrisBear!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>MitB – Three Kings

You know what I love about WrestleMania? The stories. The pain. The struggle. The redemption. The triumph. More than all of that, I love the back-stories to the matches. This year more than most, each match has months of back-story. Some, years. The John Cena/Miz saga has been going on ever since Miz got drafted to Raw in 2009. Miz would come out every week while Cena was feuding with different people, and "call out" Cena. He did this for a series of weeks until they faced off in a pay-per-view match. Miz was ultimately squashed, losing in 6 minutes. The next night on Raw, they had a rematch and Miz learned from his mistakes just the night before. The match was twice as long, and Miz took it to Cena. John won, as he rightfully should have, but Miz showed that he was a player to be reckoned with.

See that ladies and gentlemen? Back-story. You can even look at the Edge VS Alberto Del Rio match with months of back-story. It started when Christian and ADR had their feud and Del Rio injured Christian. Then, before their 4-Man TLC Match at the TLC PPV for the World Heavyweight Championship, Edge and Del Rio had a run-in backstage involving one of Del Rio's classic cars. Add to the fact that Christian is back, and Del Rio has mercilessly attacked both men repeatedly for 5 months or so, it has a lengthy and detailed back-story.

Concerning this WrestleMania, there are three matches, and more particularly three men, that I have my eye on. I said that I love the extra qualities and themes of WrestleMania. Well these three men have one in particular theme in common: redemption. These three men are Triple H, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and Sheamus.

One of the greatest champions of all time, Triple H, has been known by many monikers over his storied career. He's been known as "The Connecticut Blueblood", a "Degenerate", and most famously, "the Game." Recently, however, he's taken on the moniker "the King of Kings." This nickname is perfect for Triple H, because at this stage of his career, he has done it all. He's won every championship there is to win. He's headlined every show that there is to headline. He's beaten everybody that there is to beat. 2010 was supposed to be a banner year for Triple H, but unfortunately a young upstart by the name of Sheamus took a shot at his legacy. Sheamus, who was likened to a young Triple H, wanted to take out the man who he patterned his career after. After a very good match at WrestleMania 26, Triple H was victorious, and the feud seemed to be finished. That same night, Hunter's best friend Shawn Michaels had his career ended by the Undertaker. The next night on Raw, Triple H was attacked by Sheamus while sharing his thoughts on his best friend's departure. A rematch was set up for Extreme Rules, and from the onset of the pay-per-view, Sheamus dominated Triple H. He attacked him at the start of the show, and brutally attacked him in their match. "The King of Kings" had fallen off of his throne.

We hadn't heard from Triple H for 10 months, until he made his surprising return on the same night as the Undertaker. Remember, the Undertaker is the man who retired Triple H's best friend, Shawn Michaels. On top of that fact, Hunter and the Deadman have had some classic battles and feuds over the years. The two legends had a classic 5-star match at WrestleMania 17, in which the Undertaker continued his WrestleMania winning streak intact. With redemption his mind, for both his legacy and his best friends, Triple H challenged the Undertaker to a Clash of the Titans at WrestleMania 27, with the streak on the line. Of course, Triple H had unfinished business. The Raw after his return, Hunter made an impassioned speech about how he needed to beat the Undertaker, and his old nemesis, Sheamus, came out to confront him. Hunter was finally able to release 10 months of unrequited frustration on Sheamus, viciously attacking him, in a sense gaining revenge for being on the shelf for close to a year. He was now able to put his full focus on the monumental task of ending the Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania 27.

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If I asked you who the most decorated North American wrestler of the past 30 years is, most of you would think of Ric Flair. Very few of you would ever think that Jerry "the King" Lawler would fit that bill. Well, I'm here to tell you that, in fact, he does. Lawler's championship history is extensive, with 32 World Heavyweight Championship reigns to his name and over 160 championships won in his career. Since his tenure with WWE started, however, he has been a bit of an afterthought. When he ended his full-time wrestling career and became a full-time announcer in 1998, he started the era of his career where most of you currently know him from. Lawler was a transcendent announcer, calling some of the greatest matches of all time during his tenure. During his announcing years, however, Lawler occasionally had to step from behind the announcing booth, and lace up his wrestling boots.

Despite all of his accomplishments, the two things that Jerry Lawler has never done in the WWE are that he has never competed at WrestleMania, and he has never won a championship. In late 2010, Lawler started a feud with young upstart WWE Champion, the Miz. Miz is a favorite of Lawler's long time broadcast colleague Michael Cole, who sings his praises boisterously. Lawler had a WWE Championship TLC match with Miz on Miz's first night as WWE Champion, which also happened to be his birthday. In the match, Lawler gave his all, showing that the old wily veteran could take advantage of the brash young upstart's mistakes. At one point in the match, Miz and his protégé Alex Riley were both incapacitated, with only Lawler in the ring by himself. He climbed the ladder, with championship aspirations in his eyes, until in a shocking turn, his broadcast colleague Michael Cole attacked him in the ring, effectively costing Lawler the match. Lawler and Miz feuded off and on for the next two months, but the issue between Cole and Lawler came to the forefront. Cole, long maligned by wrestling fans for years, became overly cocky and self-absorbed. He began verbally abusing Lawler, and becoming more and more outlandish in his commentary. Finally, just nights after Jerry Lawler lost his mother and a WWE Championship match against the Miz, Cole called him out, attacking him in his moment of loss. Lawler challenged him to a match at WrestleMania, and Cole reluctantly agreed, calling on Jack Swagger to help him in his journey. Recently on Raw, Cole brought out Jerry's son Brian Christopher, which claimed that Lawler was a terrible father and wanted nothing to do with him. This led to an attack on Lawler and his best friend, Hall of Famer and announcing great Jim Ross, by Cole and Swagger. After the tumultuous couple of months that Jerry Lawler has been dealing with, he has a chance at redemption when he faces Michael Cole at WrestleMania 27, with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the referee.

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As I mentioned earlier, young upstart Sheamus has shown himself to be a player in the current day WWE. From his early beginnings in the WWE's version of ECW where he dominated, to his early months on Raw where he ended Jamie Noble's career, Sheamus has shown that he belongs at the top of the pecking order. In his rookie year, he defeated John Cena to become the WWE Champion. After feuds with both Cena and Triple H, he won the WWE Championship for the second time in 2010. Sheamus was on top of the world. In late 2010, the prestigious King of the Ring competition made it's return to the WWE. Sheamus took part, and despite a huge threat from John Morrison, he became the new King of the Ring. Being a man of deep Irish decent, he took his newly won kingship to heart. He changed his attire, as well as his attitude.

Despite his huge accomplishments in 2010, once King Sheamus won the King of the Ring, he fell victim to a huge losing streak. He lost match after match, most importantly losing his confidence. Recently, he decided to forget his King attire, and go back to his roots as the Celtic Warrior. He started a feud with Daniel Bryan, in which if he didn't win Bryan's US Championship, he would quit the WWE. Sheamus, despite looking like he had the match lost, pulled off a huge Brogue Kick on Bryan as he jumped off of the top rope, and became the new US Champion. You could visibly see the confidence come back to Sheamus instantly. There is no announced match for Sheamus at WrestleMania 27, but there's no doubt that the King of the Ring and US Champion will definitely be in action. He will continue to look for redemption as he tries to live up to his storied Celtic history.

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All three of these men have been great in their careers. All three of these men have been deemed kings in their careers. Most importantly, in recent times, all three Kings have been knocked off of their throne. Be it for a span of years (Lawler), months (Triple H), or weeks (Sheamus); all three men have been maligned. Now is their chance at redemption. On April 3rd, WrestleMania 27 will take place in Atlanta, Georgia. The King of Kings, the King, and the King of the Ring will all be in action at some point. Will they be able to move past the adversity that they faced in 2010? Or will the move forth and take back their rightful place: on wrestling's throne? Personally, I can't wait to see.

FIN

>>> Click Here to Vote for Rey Ca$h!

______________________________________________________

Alright let’s take a breather and wrap up Pool C of the TripleBanger Promotional Tour. Hopefully, you dingleberries didn’t exhaust those fingertips too much because Priest & Mavsman are scheduled to cock fight this Tuesday for a coveted spot in the Finals. Seeing as how there’s a lengthy stretch of time until then, I encourage readers to vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE vote VOTE! Then walk around the bedroom/living room/office, stretch your limbs and keep on voting. Romeo, ChrisBear and Rey Ca$h know from personal experience that feedback on the Main Page isn’t kind to CFers so how about dispelling that theory? Their respective email addresses are conveniently listed below so get to clicking, cunt stains.

>>> Email Romeo
>>> Email ChrisBear
>>> Email Rey Ca$h

Source: lordsofpain.net