[145] – Taboo Subjects (Sh*tting)

Hey gents. Feeling healthy? Awww that’s too bad. Anyhoo, let’s start off by examining the definition of deuce dropping…

[shitting]
noun, verb, shit or shat, shit•ting, interjection Vulgar .

–noun
1. excrement; feces.
2. an act of defecating; evacuation.
3. the shits. diarrhea.
4. Slang . pretense, lies, exaggeration, or nonsense.
5. Slang . something inferior or worthless.
6. Slang . a selfish, mean, or otherwise contemptible person.
7. Slang . narcotic drugs, especially heroin or marijuana.
8. Slang . possessions, equipment, mementos, etc.; stuff.

–verb (used without object)
9. to defecate.

–verb (used with object)
10. Slang . to exaggerate or lie to.

–interjection
11. Slang . (used to express disgust, disappointment, frustration, contempt, or the like).

—Idioms
12. give a shit, Slang . to care; be concerned.
13. no shit, (used to express amazement, incredulity, or derision).
14. up shit creek, Slang . in a desperate or hopeless situation; inserious trouble. Also, up shits creek, up shit creek without a paddle.

Origin:
(v.) variant (with short i from past participle or noun) of earliershite, Middle English shiten, Old English scitan; compare MiddleLow German, Middle Dutch schiten ( Dutch schijten ), Old HighGerman skizan ( German scheissen ); (noun) re-formation from the v., or continuation of Old English scite (in place names)

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Mmmmhmm yep. Very informative. Even that last bit about pilgrims and Indians. Unfortunately, I’m somewhat afraid whether the information above has painted an appropriate picture for everyone. So to reassure myself and the masses that we’re on the same page, here’s a little helping hand from Urban Dictionary.

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shitting shit pooping poop crapping crap toilet poo dump dumping asssex farting bathroom turd diarrhea taking a dump fart feces shatdefecating pissing fuck blumpkin texting anal pooing sharting pissdefecation fucking asshole shart wanking shits shitter taking a shit pantsblowjob anus shitty head defecate eating scat dookie gay butt bootypeeing cleveland steamer

1. Shitting
- buy shitting mugs, tshirts and magnets

1. The elimination of fecal waste through one's anus.

2. The art of expelling feces from one's anus in a manner that exceeds the definition of "pooping" or "crapping".

3. The act of making incredulous, sometimes unbelievable statements.

1. I was just in the bathroom shitting.

2. Oh God how I love shitting!

3. No fucking way, you're shitting me!

Couldn’t have described it better on my best day (p.s. they’re pretty scarce). While birthing a brown baby boy may be common discussion amongst you and friends/family/other acquaintances, it’s no secret the topic is frowned upon in public areas and venues. The same can be said for farting in church but that’s a whole different story itself. We all unload doo doo butter on a daily average pretty much (although it changes depending on each person’s diet and physical condition) so what’s the issue? I’ve never quite figured it out to be honest. America, and the world in general, frequently blab about things far more gross and unflattering than popping a squat on the porcelain throne. Certain groups of females (see rich broads with wealthy husbands and spotless reputations) are mortified by the mere thought of shitting; let alone engaging others in various dialogue pertaining to human manure.

It appears the average Joes such as you and I who don’t have our heads up the assholes of passerby feel most comfortable shooting the breeze about blasting the can. Some poor folks can’t escape it no matter what because of circumstances outside their control. For instance, I’m trapped like a rat. My father (God bless his intestines) shits and rips ass more than any other individual I’ve ever known or met. No joke. Yours truly works alongside the man Monday-Friday and there have been stretches where Pops literally floats air biscuits from 9 to 5. It’s repulsive yet admirable since I assume the gift(?) will surely come in handy down the road somewhere. But hot damn… those farts are often raunchy enough to burn the lining off your nasal cavity. Actually depositing the baked goods are a totally separate monster. I don’t know too many men who can bomb out a bathroom like SkitZ Sr. does routinely. Seriously, the bastard can initiate the poop chute during late morning, I’ll leave in-between, grab breakfast, hit up BEST BUY, visit an amigo, return home and the hallway STILL fucking reeks! Those are some intense bowel movements.

[fecal moments in wrestling history]

1st. Crapper 3:16 (Stone Cold Stunners Goldust And Goes Porter Potty Tipping) >>>Click Here For Visual Aid<<< When the hell was this? ‘97ish? This occurred before Sir Fruity began following wrestling and therefore cannot comment on this particular segment. It belongs on this list however.

2nd. El Burrito Loco (Latino Heat Pulls A Dumb & Dumber On Big Show) >>>Click Here For Visual Aid<<< From the early-mid 2000’s it appears. Must have taken place during my two year hiatus from WWE. Tis’ a shame. Again, can’t offer any additional insight since I didn’t see it live…. Or taped. You know what I mean, twat waffles!

3rd. Nuggets Of Joy From Mother Nature (DX Shower The McMahons & Spirit Squad With Artificial Turds) >>>Click Here For Visual Aid<<< Circa 2006. As it turns out, I did in fact watch this bad boy in real time. But like the nauseating stench of feces, this was awful and self explanatory. To suggest it did wonders for the careers of Nick Nemeth & Kenny Doane is… probably half correct.

[shittiest moments of 2011 thru april]

1st. Rocky’s 187 Minute Promo To Open WM27 - What? I don’t give a flying fuck if this is classified as old news. Absolutely terrible decision on management’s behalf. The People’s Champ had been cutting promos every week since mid February. I’m assuming unless Johnson’s working off another wrestler or celebrity with a microphone, there’s little worth mentioning to 71,000+ wily fans. For those taking notes, this is an excellent way to kill a crowd right off the bat. I want no part of ‘Team Bring It’ and nor should you.

2nd. Michael Cole’s Fifteen Minutes Of Fame - If you’re gonna get all technical on me, I suppose M.C.’s moment in the spotlight lasted a tad longer than 900 seconds but whatever. Facts are facts and the verbally abusive commentator stunk up the joint in Atlanta. Mix Steve Blackman’s haircut with Gillberg’s body frame, Vinnie Mac’s moveset, Harvey Whippleman’s personality and BLAMO – that’s Cole in a nutshell. If he were slightly younger and more active competition wise, I’d almost feel sorry for Lawler. Boasting this as your sole victory at the global phenomenon is nothing to brag about.

3rd. Ending ‘Mania In A Draw… Before Restarting The Match For 5.8 Seconds - Care to disagree? Of course not. You also realized long ago that WWE screwed the pooch (whoa easy there, animal rights activists / save it for the next column) in terms of ‘Mania’s main event. Despite what tomfoolery the company had planned for us afterwards, screwball finishes should be reserved for RAW and irrelevant summer PPVs. Not to mention the booking blunder landed Miz with a concussion. All that nonsense so Rock could exact revenge and drop Cena with a rock bottom. Big whoop.

4th. Dwayne Johnson’s Birthday Celebration On RAW - Am I a hater? Party pooper? Undisputed buzzkill? I tend to think otherwise but perhaps. In my opinion, last Monday night’s episode sucked horse dong; except for the WWE Championship bout. Stroking Mr. Hollywood for the majority of two hours is a cute idea but following through with the concept should’ve raised some red flags. Instead of concentrating the program on welcoming the brand’s newest members and beginning fresh storylines, management provided Johnson with one enormous ego boost after another. The show’s conclusion was more anti-climactic than my proudest bedroom conquests.

[nutty, corny, shitty decisions made lately]

1st. Derailing Christian’s World Title Reign 48 Hours Later - Clearly, there’s gotta be more to this than the IWC’s currently aware of. Nonetheless, I’m borderline shocked that management would press the eject button this soon into the Canuck’s stint as supreme ruler of SmackDown. You’re telling me the powers that be couldn’t at least wait until Over The Limit (i.e. 21 days)? The smarky side of me approves the move as it gives skeptics a newer target whenever the phrase ‘transitional champion’ comes into play. Yet I can’t help feeling as if somebody with backstage leverage laid down the trump card. Hopefully, Captain Charisma turns heel, brutalizes Orton and regains the gold in short order.

2nd. Sin Cara’s Carnival Type Ring Entrance - Yuck city. Two of the Mexican legend’s initial appearances in WWE were clouted by botched acrobatics. This might not concern or enrage some fans of the sport but c’mon now. Flippy jumpy spinny shit is what this dildo is supposed to excel at, right? Huh? No. DON’T YOU DARE BLAME IT ON THE TRAMPOLINE STUNT GUY. I mean do you expect the dude to completely crawl out from under the ring because this clown can’t complete a springboard somersault? Bullshit. Throw a mini-trampoline in front of my feet and I’ll touch the sky.

3rd. Morrison Giving Trish The Cold Shoulder To Appease His Lady Friend - Correct? It’s not as if adhering to Melina’s womanly demands have brought JoMo any World Championships. If anything, the Hispanic Diva’s passed along nothing but a slew of sexually transmitted diseases. And while I love to poke fun at promiscuous females on television, word has it that Melina’s in a category of her own. Congratulations on sleeping with 90% of the locker room, slut. I bet the corporate suits in neighboring organizations commend such trashy behavior.

4th. Jobbing Punk Of Legitimacy & Assorted Perks - Obviously, management isn’t worried about the potential loss of Cookie Monster; arguably their most talented worker overall. Because if the company cared, The Straightedge Superstar wouldn’t be spending more time on his back than the chick from the previous paragraph. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the rumor regarding Punk being unhappy with his booking over the last calendar year were accurate. That program with Big Show at the end of last summer was an abomination. I understand the logic of removing the belt from a wrestler preparing for vacation but to job him to death for no other reason is just plain retarded. I’m praying Cookie Monster disappears and doesn’t resume business until Vince slides a fat contract under his nose. Referring to Mr. Sobriety as a multi-time World Champion sounds fictitious nowadays.

[head scratcher: which shit fits the crime?]

Confused? Don’t be! The premise is basic… find the kayfabe character who you believe best matches each specific scenario. The Candyman will withdraw a few names from his hat but feel free to suggest alternative options. Did I forget any further levels of defecation? If so, direct them towards my email at the bottom of the page and I’ll respond accordingly.

String Cheese - Yes, sir. Those shits that you’d swear came from a monkey or large creature with wings. Wait scratch that… birds always crap out foamy whitish stuff. Kinda like shaving cream. Getting back on track, these are basically spray cheese from a can that you drizzle on crackers. If you’re lactose intolerant, try and picture an earthy colored tapeworm. My money’s on Justin Gabriel.

Pebbles In The Sea - Constipation can be a motherfucker. You go ages without pinching something off and then suddenly there’s pressure in your rectum but nothing happens. Turtleheads are no fun let me assure those who are foreign to the term. Several minutes of grunting and clenching for a couple puny marbles. Mark me down for the perennial unemployed, Ted Dibiase.

Salad Shooter - Yeesh I wouldn’t wish this punishment on my worst enemy. The best way I can describe it is… imagine you devoured a giant bowl of straight salad, the ruffage never digested and then came out your mudhole spray painted light brown. Very rough on the sphincter whilst exiting and guaranteed to shower the toilet seat’s lower half with debris. Grab the toilet scrubber, Chavo Guerrero!

Bloody Stool - Now hold on for a second before you get the wrong impression. The bloody nature of the poop comes from various hemorrhoids on the butthole’s outer rim. Caused from the recipient constantly forcing out shits the size of small boulders. Often frowned upon by skilled physicians but treated with the proper creams and antibiotics. I’m giving a shout out here to the massively overweight Brodus Clay.

Hot Water Haven - Ah the grandmother of gut busters. Usually a side effect from food poisoning (experienced firsthand by author), this cruel fate results in it’s’ victim doubled over in agony as the stomach becomes a gurgle factory. More than any other shit-driven episode, you wanna avoid this doom at all costs. Air bubbles course through your lower regions and shoot steaming liquids out of the ass at dangerous speeds. TIP: Grasp the seat to maintain balance and courtesy flush occasionally. Honors go to Mark Henry.

Oh and for you Pendleton’s battling with the endless wipe 24/7, just stop and surrender.

SkitzLOP@aol.com

Source: lordsofpain.net