[147] – Taboo Subjects (Suicide)

Another branch to this socially unacceptable series you ask? Why not? When it doubt, stretch the shit out (or something like that). I believe it’s time we get to the specifics of self-slaughtering…

[suicide]
[soo-uh-sahyd]
noun, verb, -cid•ed, -cid•ing.

–noun
1. the intentional taking of one's own life.
2. destruction of one's own interests or prospects: Buying that house was financial suicide.
3. a person who intentionally takes his or her own life.

–verb (used without object)
4. to commit suicide.

–verb (used with object)
5. to kill (oneself).

Origin:
1645–55; < Neo-Latin suicidium, -cida, equivalent to Latin sui of oneself, genitive singular of reflexive pronunciation + -cidium, -cida-cide

—Related forms
an•ti•su•i•cide, adjective

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A bit morbid for your taste I know. But c’mon now, dildos. This topic is commonplace amongst emo kids, bipolar musicians and men paralyzed below the waist (think it through…). Don’t pussyfoot around the issue just because it’s a touchy subject. Now for a more modern description, let us resort to UrbanDictionary.com.

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suicide death emo depression kill murder sad depressed life suicidal gaykurt cobain hell die cutting homicide goth sex shit hate pain nirvana stupid love drugs shotgun loser cutter fail bitch bomb emotional cutfag myspace sadness dead genocide school music boring scene an hero euthanasia alcohol lol torture pussy boredom internet blood

1. Suicide
Your way to say to God "You can`t fire me! I quit!"
Georgie put the gun in her mouth and pressed the trigger

2. Suicide
People say suicide is selfish and cowardly. That's bullshit. It's more selfish to expect someone to go through life feeling like shit, just so you can keep them around because they make you happy or some shit. It is not they're duty to keep you happy whilst they go through hell, you fucking morons.
Someone decided their live was no longer living, so when they killed themselves, all the sensible people who loved them felt very sad, but realised that it would be selfish to expect them to go on living, just for their own pleasure.

3. Suicide
Something which should always be the LAST item on your to-do list.

Before hate from various countries unfairly rains down on me, The Candyman wants to clear the air real quick. I completely understand how and why suicide is chock full of seriousness. Tragic events that occur in life are downright awful and have the ability to haunt those somehow related for decades. There’s humor to be found in it however. People need to fucking lighten up once in a blue moon. For instance, I ran over a cute cuddly rabbit whilst driving my sister to a party several years ago. Britt suddenly burst into tears and disowned me for treating the bunny like an ordinary suburban speed bump. Sir Fruity knew better though. I had watched with mild curiosity as the fluff ball sat idly in the grass just beyond the street’s edge. The rabbit saw me cruising down the road at a RELATIVELY slow speed mind you and chose last minute to end his life under my front left tire. Eons later, I simply refuse to take the blame for a crime yours truly never committed.

As for suicide knee deep in comedy, look no further than my adolescence. I can vividly recall when this pro life organization made an appearance at my high school and left quite the impression on young SkitZ. To the extent where me and my black chum, Randy, decided to make use of the 1-800-SUICIDE business cards handed out that particular morning. Our plan of attack? We devised a scheme, called the hotline number from my casa and acted out a crudely immature skit; depicting the negro as a pubescent female teenager fed up with the rampant abuse perpetrated by her dickhead stepfather (i.e. me). We roared collectively for a good twenty minutes after the fact but the woman who answered didn’t seem very amused by our antics. What a lame bitch, right?

[suicidal celebrity moments in world history]

1st. Adolph Hitler Falls Inches Short Of Humanitarian Award (1945) >>>Click Here For Visual Aid<<< Hated by Jews and often parodied, museums across the globe have cashed in on the Grandfather of all Nazis. I slept through World War II in History class and skimmed The Diary of Anne Frank so forgive my severe lack of knowledge here. Dammit I should’ve used the video of JBL doing the Hitler strut in Germany!

2nd. Marilyn Monroe Whores It Up & Bows Out Early (1962) >>>Click Here For Visual Aid<<< More than anything, M2 was one juicy slice of vagina. The blonde pin-up girl graced the debut edition of PLAYBOY; meaning Monroe would’ve reached Mae Young status by now and subsequently lost whatever firmness still remained in her tits. Nonetheless, you can chalk up JFK’s assassination in ’63 to successful revenge. Fuck suicide… the Kennedys clearly disposed of this slut!

3rd. Kurt Cobain Drains The Main Vein Alright… Via Gun (1994) >>>Click Here For Visual Aid<<< As my adoration for Nirvana continues to manifest, the exact opposite is true in terms of his widow – Courtney Love. Yuck city. It’s a crying shame to think Kurt secretly despised the music his band put out towards the tail end of their run because Nevermind was a fantastic album overall. And hell… In Utero was no slouch either. Lord have mercy on their (Cobain & Love) child’s tortured soul.

Ironic, yeah?

[spandex clad patients of the suicide ward]

-- Hanging By Yourself Is Sooooooooo NOT Awesome (2007): Mmmmm I’m accusing the wrestling business in general for the untimely loss of this ECW Alumni. I mean Awesome struck gold while working for Paul Heyman’s company in the late 90’s by basically showing up out of the blue and snagging the Heavyweight Title from Taz. Oh but fame comes at a costly price, doesn’t it? Ask “The Fat Chick Thrilla” if you disagree. WCW threw Mike under the bus with a terrible fucking gimmick and Awesome found even less fanfare in WWE as he served as Velocity fodder before getting canned. It’s rather unfortunate neither promotion gave the dude any sort of opportunity. Besides Latino Heat, Awesome was the only guy still rocking a mullet in the 2000’s. Four summers prior to this upcoming one, a group of friends found the former Hardcore Champion suspended in midair via rope inside his Tampa home.

-- The Houdini Of Hardcore Practices His Disappearing Act… Kinda (2003): Crash Holly’s death especially bummed me out because short stack was such a riot on television during the Attitude Era. The Holly’s were unique and fresh and each member of the trio could hold their own; whether it was between the ropes or cutting a solo/joint promo. However when Crash began branching out and competing continuously in the Hardcore Division, I jumped on the bandwagon without hesitation. Needless to say, Mike Lockwood singlehandedly made the 24/7 rule a hit and offered wrestling marks a whole slew of memorable segments. The 22-time titleholder became a main fixture of WWF’s programming practically overnight. Sadly, the shtick eventually grew old, Vince handed Holly a pink slip, Crash signed with TNA and nixed himself four months later with booze & prescription pills. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

-- Family Drama Containing Horror Movie Dynamics (2007): Pretty much over analyzed nowadays but the double murder suicide warrants a spot in this column without question. You can attribute it to the ‘roids, twenty plus years of diving head butts & steel chair shots, bipolar disorder or a combination of the three. The Crippler (aptly named) ditched a few weekend house shows and scheduled pay per view match with CM Punk to visit the household. I’m still ticked off that we were robbed of a guaranteed gem by the way. As for what transpired at Casa del Benoit, I’m gonna assume you remember the details of Dad’s gruesome murders and cowardly lynching.

-- Out Of The Closet And Into The Casket (2010): Who better than Kanyon!? Uh I dunno… Any shmuck still alive and well for starters. To be honest, I saw very little of the guy during The Flock’s reign in WCW. Even though Kanyon’s booking in terms of the Invasion storyline was an abomination, I enjoyed the childish comedy and interaction with DDP. In retrospect, I’m disappointed the ‘E didn’t pursue Kanyon’s on-screen persona further as a strong midcard heel. Instead, management opted to mock his homosexuality by dressing the fag up as Boy George, singing karaoke and consequently suffering a savage raping from Taker. They call that an evening to forget ladies and gentlemen. Kanyon drowned his sorrows with a bottle of anti-depressants roughly thirteen months ago.

[career suicide for the lesser educated]

Moobs & Skin Flaps Beyond Your Wildest Dreams - Granted Big Daddy V was surprisingly agile for an obese motherfucker, the majority of the IWC were immediately disgusted by his wrestling attire. What good those suspenders did I have no Earthly idea. They sure didn’t protect opponents from Viscera’s swinging utters. Not to mention tattoos at that stage of the game seem altogether pointless. And whenever Big Vis flashed has stupid ‘V’ shaped hand gesture, all I could ever picture was him performing oral sex on a skinny white chick. It felt as if the character leant Viscera to continue his inhumane eating habits (which ultimately lost the porker his job). Wasted utilization of Matt Striker however; who incidentally has a promising managerial career ahead.

Santina Pleases Drag Queens Yet Nobody Else - Playing the villain for a second, Marella’s odds of shattering the glass ceiling were never really attainable. But given his popularity, positive attitude and similar experiences in the past, many of us held out hope that Santino’s crowning achievement remained possible. Those ill-advised fantasies vacated our respective realities during early ’09 when the Creative Team went overboard and strapped the Italian with utter dog shit. Feigning the identity of Marella’s twin sister, Santina won the Miss WrestleMania battle royal at WM25, inexplicably defeated superior competition such as Beth Phoenix and then entered a program with Vickie Guerrero. If your ears aren’t bleeding yet, visit a local doctor.

The Truth Shall Set You On A Quest For Equal Opportunity - Along with my Main Page counterparts, I’ve spewed venom in Ron Killings’ direction ever since his second WWE stint began. The “What’s Up” theme music irritates the hell out of me, Truth’s finishing maneuver is borderline laughable and he comes off as an uneducated thug from the wannabe projects. So my natural instincts were to resent K-Kwik’s heel turn but I cannot bring myself to play Devil’s advocate any longer. I’m digging present day R-Truth and the drastic change to his personality. The amount of mic time he’s receiving every Monday night blows my mind. Character development FTW! Placing Killings in a program with Mysterio is all kinds of brilliant. Put the negro over Rey Rey, keep building him and set the payoff for Money In The Bank. I wouldn’t slate him to capture the strap but a Cena/Truth WWE Title bout could be money if booked accordingly. Plus, you’ve got a readymade feud once Morrison gets healthy. Just to clarify, ol’ K-Kwik’s managed to escape this section’s stigma and therefore earned my approval.

Yo Saturn’s Been Out Of Orbit For Ages - Pfffft I’d avoid any relevance too if my boss made me portray a muscle bound retard emotionally attached to a mop. That’s a step above Hornswoggle and a peg below Eugene. As punishment for legitimately attacking jobbberino Mike Bell, Perrywinkle was assigned to this gig for a decent stretch in 2002 and fans ate it up. Wrestling tights clad in cow print, milk cartons featuring Moppy’s face on the back and a bony MILF with massive floatation devices. Company officials lost their cool when they discovered Saturn’s overness and hurled his material girlfriend into the wood chipper like a bunch of animals.

[suicidal tendencies: who’s on the brink?]

Think of Trivial Pursuit minus ¾ the brain power. I’m on borrowed time so this nonsense is gonna be semi short and sweet. Which superstars are teetering on the edge and ready to snap due to circumstances outside of their control? I’ve come up with a few names to get the ball rolling.

Christianity Ain’t Getting You Nowhere, Son* - OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE WWE WOULD DO THIS TO HIM! CHRISTIAN’S BUSTED HIS ASS FOREVER AND THEY REMOVE THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP FROM HIS WAIST TWO DAYS AFTER WINNING IT!?!? I’M SOOOOOOO PISSED RIGHT NOW AHHHHHHHHH!!! UGH FUCK RANDY ORTON AND HIS PUMPKIN FACE! What proceeded is your generic reaction to Captain Charisma dropping the belt on the post-Extreme Rules edition of SmackDown to The Viper. Firstly, you twat waffles need to chill the fuck out. I believe it’s painfully obvious what management’s planning to do here. Christian can’t get the job done as a protagonist, falls victim to the dark side and forces Randall to relinquish the strap towards summer’s end. Judging by my calculations, Captain Charisma’s fate is still pending. Hence the asterisk at the beginning of the paragraph.

Money In The Bank But Settling For Bankruptcy - Poor Shelton Benjamin. He wowed us for the better part of a decade with his insane athleticism and consistently outshined the competition every year in the annual MITB ladder contest. Then out of nowhere, the Gold Standard’s released from the company and searching for work elsewhere. Well as if that wasn’t bad enough, Shelton’s brought in to work a dark match recently, blows his load and prematurely posts on Twitter that he’s likely resigning with World W******** Entertainment. Not the smartest move, Benjamin. Best of luck in your future endeavors and please don’t invest in any razor blades.

Unlimited Potential Can’t Push You Past These Obstacles - It took me a while to come to grips with reality but JoMo’s sexy self is just plain unfit to roam this planet much longer. Despite his Hollywood good looks and chiseled frame, Abtastic has about 381.7 things working against him. The head honcho doesn’t think you can realistically kick another man’s ass in real life. Your girlfriend’s handing out samples to random passerby in the locker rooms. Your male P.M.S. struck during ‘Mania weekend and prompted petty politics to offend a highly respected Diva. The neck’s acting up and now requires major surgery. Sweet Jesus you’re doomed to fail, dude. This saddens me greatly for what it’s worth.

Da Bad Guy For Any Number Of Reasons - Self explanatory. And don’t blame it solely on the addiction(s) if Scott Hall croaks soon. Not even his boy Kevin Nash can vouch for the hot mess.

SkitzLOP@aol.com

Source: lordsofpain.net