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Last Updated on Wednesday, 6 July, 2011 Written by Jeremiah Allan Tuesday, July 5 2011

“What’s Wrong With Wrestling?” is an ongoing series of articles in which I, long-time fan and sometimes author of a wrestling web comic, attempt to keep sports entertainment from getting disqualified. This week: five storyline ideas to spice up the WWE undercard.

5. To generate some interest in the undercard and get main event talent out of the picture while individual title feuds heat up, Smackdown would host the first annual International Kings of the Ring tag team tournament. The brackets and results would look like this, with Teddy Long announcing (and naming) each of the teams:

Smackdown, Week 1: Round 1, Match #1: the Celtic Connection (Sheamus & Drew McIntyre) v. the African Embassy (Kofi Kingston & Justin Gabriel) with the Celtic Connection advancing after some miscommunication from Kofi and Gabriel, who were reluctant partners to begin with.

Smackdown, Week 1: Round 1, Match #2: the New Blue Bloods (William Regal & Wade Barrett, representing England) v. the Usos (Jimmy and Jey, representing the isle of Samoa) with the team of Regal and Barrett advancing after a “clean” win.

Smackdown, Week 2: Round 1, Match #3: Punjabi Princes (Khali & Jinder Mahal) v. the Legacy (DiBiase & Rhodes, representing the United States) with the Legacy advancing after Rhodes outsmarts his opponents and gets a count out victory against Khali.

Smackdown, Week 2: Round 1, Match #4: Mucha Lucha (Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara) v. the Japanese Buzzsaws (Yoshi Tatsu & special guest Tajiri) with Rey and Sin Cara advancing after a suitably crazy cruiserweight spot-fest against Tatsu and the one-night-only Tajiri.

Smackdown, Week 3: Round 2, Match #1: Celtic Connection d. the Legacy after a High Cross to DiBiase, and Rhodes complains endlessly to GM Long about the extra week Sheamus and McIntyre had to rest.

Smackdown, Week 3: Round 2, Match #2: Mucha Lucha d. the Blue Bloods when Sin Cara surprises Regal with a roll-up. Plus, Rey and Regal are great together.

Smackdown, Week 4: Finals: Celtic Connection d. Mucha Lucha, establishing Sheamus and McIntyre as “the greatest tag team in the world” and granting them a tag team title shot at the pay-per-view that weekend, not to mention the awesome trophy presentation ceremony immediately after the match (where they hammer or get hammered by the tag team champs).

4. Tyson Kidd, angry that Canada was excluded from the tag team tournament, goes on an anti-“everywhere but Canada” tirade and is going to make WWE pay for its snub. “You might have noticed, I’ve been looking for a manager the last several months and I think I’ve found my guy. I mean, who better to show me how America sucks than Lance freakin’ Storm!”

(The next week, Christian would politely decline Kidd’s request to join he and Storm because he doesn’t want “another Edge” or people thinking he can’t do it on his own. Kidd respects that. Kidd starts using the “if I can be serious for a moment” catchphrase while Storm watches and nods approvingly. When Jericho’s ready, he can come back and feud with Kidd, saying he’s giving Canadians a bad name. Maybe we can even get Storm v. Jericho, one more time?)

3. Tyler Reks and Brodus Clay (and Mark Henry, if he’s not busy) begin lending out their services to heels as bodyguards for hire as S.O.B. Inc. They don’t take the bookings themselves, however. They’re just the help.  You’ll have to go through their anonymous boss for that, a mystery that runs for weeks of teasing.

The identity of that partner…? Who better to organize a group of body guards than Kevin Nash, who made a name for himself as Shawn Michaels’ right hand man. Del Rio could hire the group to take out Kane (or Show, if Kane is busy) and we could have a battle of the big men between Kane and Kevin Nash at Wrestlemania. Street fight, anyone?

2. Jack Swagger comes and complains about being lost in the shuffle. He lists his credentials and promises his millions of fans that he’s going to turn it around. A heel champion, preferably Christian or the Miz, interrupts by saying that he’s “heard enough. TV time is valuable and it belongs to a champion, not some has-been, never-will-be-again.”

The All-American American keeps praising himself, though, so Christian agrees to put the title on the line if Swagger will agree to Christian’s mystery stipulation, which he’ll reveal when he beats Swagger in the main event. Swagger agrees because there’s no way Christian can beat him.

Throughout the night, announcers wonder what Christian’s mystery stipulation is and whether it matters, if Swagger can win another world championship. Will he make Swagger retire? Will he force Swagger to face Kane, the Big Show and Big Zeke in a handicap cage match? Swagger’s taken a tremendous risk for another shot at the title.

The champion beats Swagger in a lengthy, competitive match so Christian reveals his stipulation: for the rest of his life, if Jack Swagger loses a match, he’ll have to suffer a humiliating stipulation voted on each week by the WWE Universe.

So, from that point forward, fans can log on to WWE.com and vote for what they want to happen to Jack Swagger if he loses – everything from spend the rest of the night dressed as Doink, fight his next match with one hand tied behind his back, streak through the arena, etc. The possibilities are endless and fans will tune in (and log on) every week to see if Swagger must once again suffer “Christian’s Curse.”

1. Some of the most successful wrestling storylines are the ones where Creative takes real life situations and cranks them up to full volume. Evan Bourne’s already one of the most likeable guys on TV so, with that in mind, here’s how to get him over on a character level: Evan’s sister has a baby and her deadbeat boyfriend walks away. Big brother has to earn some extra cash so he goes into business as the Problem Solver, working odds-and-ends jobs for other Superstars to help his sister.

One week, Evan will play love guru/matchmaker for an uncharismatic coworker. The next he’d be a fetch or a gopher – on a beer run for Austin! In-character Vince “hires” Evan to fill in at commentary when one of the announcers gets attacked. Del Rio needs his car worked on; Evan conveniently has mechanical know-how to get the job done. The gimmick is flexible, the audience never has to see the same thing twice, people will always feel good about it because he’s trying to do a good thing, and Creative could literally insert it into other ongoing angles or feuds for an upper card rub.

Near the end of the gimmick’s lifespan, Creative could set him up with a manager, someone to take jobs, who tries to team Evan up with a bunch of bad guys and low-lifes, which Evan will refuse (making the bad guys mad). The manager promises to go back to taking “good” jobs but ends up sabotaging Bourne’s face customers so he eventually has to battle a string of really angry clients.

Bourne will have to fire the manager and simultaneously deal with the following: his sister’s deadbeat baby daddy is none other than a heel worker on the opposite show, someone Evan’s never faced or did a job for or even ran into on-screen, so Evan must fight him to defend the honor of his sister (whom the heel will constantly disparage) in a feud WWE could cat-and-mouse for months before a blow-off pay-per-view match with child support on the line.

NEXT TIME ON 4W: FIVE NEW THINGS WWE COULD DO TO BETTER PROMOTE THEIR PRODUCT.

Jeremiah Allan is an American comic book (www.wowio.com/kscomics) and radio show (www.wormwoodshow.com) writer with a BA in English and an unhealthy addiction to popcorn and building houses out of Popsicle sticks. Comment below or shoot me an e-mail at jeremiahvedder@yahoo.com with the subject line “What’s Wrong With Wrestling?”

READ THE 4W ARCHIVES:

JULY 1, 2011: GROWING GAMES
JUNE 30, 2011: IMPROVING IMPACT

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