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1. Day 667 - Mahalo, BJ

2. Day 668 - More Greatest Rivalries

2.5 Day 669 - Raw Running Diary

4. Day 670 - Spice

5. Day 671 - Random Stat-o-Rama #2

Beast mode, De. Beast mode.Day 667

This is going to be a column that the large majority of my readers won't care much about, but it's something that I need to write after events transpired tonight, so you might want to go ahead and skip this column if you're someone that always complains when I decide to write about MMA instead of wrestling. Just consider that your warning, I guess.

It's a sad night, not only for myself, but for many fans of the sport of Mixed Martial Arts, especially in Hawaii.

MMA legend, BJ Penn, the former UFC Lightweight and Welterweight Champion of the world, announced his retirement inside the octagon tonight, moments after losing to Nick Diaz in the main event of the UFC 137 pay-per-view.

I can't say that it's a shock. In fact, I almost called it. At the end of the fight, I tweeted "No more, Penn.", before he announced he was leaving the sport. In his last five fights, counting tonight's Diaz fight, his record is 1-3-1, including the loss of the Lightweight Title, as well as the failure in winning the title back during his next fight. His only win came over Matt Hughes in November of last year, and that fight only lasted 21 seconds, so an argument can definitely be made that BJ got a "lucky knockout" more than anything else. He's almost 33 years old, so it isn't like he's a decrepit old man, but he has a lot of mileage in those 33 years. His first professional MMA fight was in May of 2001, and four years before that, he began training Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. That's a whole lot of fighting, bumps and bruises on that 33-year-old body.

Even though I "predicted" his retirement, it's still a terribly sad night. Hawaii doesn't really have a whole lot of super-famous celebrities that come from here. Not in comparison to other states, anyway. Without that long list of celebrities, and without any professional sports teams here, we really cling to people when they can represent the state, and especially when it's an athlete. Coming from "The Big Island" of Hawaii (it's the name of one of the islands here, and not just the name of the whole state, for those who don't know), BJ has represented Hawaii incredibly well through the years. He's been the biggest reason that MMA is the unofficial #1 sport in Hawaii today, ahead of even football. His walk-in music for all of his fights is "Hawaii '78" leading into "E Ala E", both by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, who is the Tupac Shakur of Hawaiian music because his name got much bigger in death than it was in life (even if you've never been to Hawaii, chances are you've heard his version of "Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World", as it is world-famous at this point). When BJ fought on pay-per-view, it was almost like a holiday here. All over the state, you'd have pay-per-view parties, with folks getting together for barbecues and to knock back some "green bottles" (Heineken is an insanely popular beer in Hawaii). During his fights, you could always mute your television and hear people yelling and cheering along, no matter where you happened to be.. in a house, in an apartment, etc. You could even drive down the street and hear it. Thinking about that not being able to take place anymore is almost depressing.

Yes, there are other fighters on the UFC roster that represent Hawaii in one way or another.. Chris Leben, Brad Tavares and Travis Browne.. as well as guys like Kendall Grove, who is a former UFC fighter and a relatively big name on the smaller MMA circuits, and Jason "Mayhem" Miller, who is basically an adopted Hawaiian, and someone who made his name fighting in Hawaii before making it to the UFC and the Strikeforce promotion. That's fine, but it isn't quite the same thing as having BJ Penn fighting.

I didn't quite think about it at the immediate time of BJ's post-fight announcement, but it didn't take long for me to turn some of my sadness into anger. Anger directed at UFC themselves. Anger directed to the state of Hawaii. In recent years, the idea of UFC bringing an event to Hawaii has been discussed a lot, but it never quite came to pass, obviously. Putting a UFC event in Aloha Stadium (the stadium that the University of Hawaii football team plays in, as well as the home of the NFL's annual Pro Bowl) would be like printing money for the company. The place holds 50,000 people for football, so you can only imagine how many more people could be added if the field was open for seats and standing-room people. When the company holds events in places like Canada, Brazil, and the United Kingdom, they love to feature fighters on the card from those particular areas. You'd have to assume that they would do the same if they ever came to Hawaii, and having BJ Penn in a main event, possibly in a title fight against someone like Georges St Pierre, who is already one of the most popular fighters on the planet, would pretty much guarantee that tickets would sell out in near-record time, even with the larger capacity. Arguments between UFC and the state over things like taxes, licensing and stadium conditions have continued to delay any events from taking place here, and now, with BJ's retirement, a magical experience could possibly be lost forever. Yes, it would still be a huge deal if UFC were to come here, but the "perfect" main event for that show isn't possible now, and that upsets me.

Could BJ fight for UFC again? Sure. We've seen fighters get emotional after a loss, and in that emotional state, declare they were finished fighting, only to change their mind once they've been able to calm down. Will we see that with BJ? It's definitely possible, but if I were to venture a guess, I don't think that's how it will happen. He meant what he said in the post-fight interview. He has a daughter that just turned three a few days ago, and he has another daughter on the way. He said that he doesn't want to keep going home looking like he did, as a battered and bruised man. You could just see it in his eyes when he said it.. he was done. He had no fire left. One of the greatest warriors in MMA history just didn't have that desire anymore. If he wants to focus his time and energy on being a father now, I can't hold that against him in any way, shape or form.

If this really is the end of your career, BJ, I merely have one word to say that expresses my gratitude, as well as the gratitude of your fans and the people of Hawaii..

Mahalo.

The HiPE Playlist: Nothing tonight.

FAT ASSES!

Hustle
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-Team Sleep--------------------------Day 668
Big ups to my boy, Evan, for his first tournament win. Helluva takedown. Helluva finish. I see you out there, bruh. Salute.

*By Request

This is actually a request I've received multiple times in the last few months, but with news coming out today in regards to the topic, it's as good a time as any to finally go ahead and fulfill the request.

Three weeks ago, I wrote a review for the documentary section of the "Greatest Rivalries: Shawn Michaels VS Bret Hart" DVD set. Before then, but especially after then, people have talked to me about the talk of other possible "Greatest Rivalries" sets coming out. We've already heard that one for Steve Austin VS The Rock will be coming out at a to-be-determined date, but what about others? People didn't know if it would be a long series or not, but today, we heard that the company is in fact planning new sets based on the rave reviews that the Michaels VS Hart one has received so far. In today's column, I look at some rivalries that I'd love to see, along with some reasons as to why they will or won't happen. Let's make it happen. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!

Edge & Christian VS The Hardy Boyz VS The Dudley Boyz
The first thing you notice about this rivalry is how difficult it would be to make it happen right now. Of those six men, three are currently under contract with TNA, so they damn sure won't be participating in any interviews for a WWE DVD set. Matt Hardy isn't under WWE contract, either, but as someone who is currently in WWE-sponsored rehab, it wouldn't surprise me whatsoever if he gets involved with the company in some way (even if it's in a non-wrestling fashion, because he said he was retired), so that's not a concern.

If they could get all six men involved, it would make for a fantastic documentary, in my opinion. Getting to know their thoughts about bringing tag team wrestling to the forefront in mainstream wrestling again, their thoughts going into working the many dangerous matches they worked in any various combination, and yes.. even a sidebar about the Edge/Matt/Lita love triangle, complete with comments from Lita herself, if she was willing to speak on the matter. Hell, that part of the documentary alone might sell the entire thing.

As far as the in-ring aspect of the rivalry goes, it would be fun to hear from all of them about any "beef" that began to build between them during those matches. As heated as the matches were, as hard-hitting as they were, and with as much on the line as there was, you just know tensions were incredibly high before, during and after the matches.

Another problem with putting this DVD set together would be the content on the other discs. We have two Ladder Match DVD sets out already, as well as an Edge set and a Jeff Hardy set. We've seen pretty much all of the matches in this rivalry on DVD at one point already, so including them here might be overkill a bit. However, to counter that, look at the time frame of things.. by the time that all six men will be contractually available to participate in a project like this, it will be long after the recent Ladder Match 2 set was released, so they could probably get away with having the same matches involved in this set.

The Undertaker VS Mankind or KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE
Personally, I'd be fine with either opponent for Taker. Most people would probably say Taker VS KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE was the "better" feud, and therefore, more deserving of a DVD set, but I think Taker VS Mankind would attract more attention so we'll go with that one.

Obviously, the gigantic roadblock for something like this happening is the company's insistence on keeping kayfabe with The Undertaker through the years. I have a difficult time picturing him sitting down for an in-depth interview with Jim Ross and Mick Foley for anything, especially when it comes to discussing anything that didn't take place on-camera in front of millions.

Like I said with the Edge/Matt/Lita love triangle, I think the section of Taker VS Mankind that would sell the documentary all by itself is none other than their Hell In A Cell match. It would be amazing to hear both men talk about their thoughts going into the match, including going over the spots that took place. You have to assume it was Foley's idea to be thrown from the top of the Cell, so it would be fun to hear Taker talk about what was going through his mind when another grown man suggested that he be thrown from 25-30 feet in the air, crashing through a table before slamming to the concrete below. Then, of course, what was going through Taker's mind when Foley went through the top of the Cell, in the spot that is widely-known to be unplanned. With something like that being unplanned, and with the landing that Foley took because of it, Taker had to be thinking that he just participated in the end of a man's career.. or maybe even worse. I'm sure the Hell In A Cell talk alone could run an hour if they played their cards right.

John Cena VS Triple H or Edge
Again, I'd be fine with either opponent, but because I already have Edge participating in one of these, and because I think the Triple H one would have more potential to be interesting, I'll go with that option.

Heading into their match at WrestleMania 22, we heard a lot of promos from Triple H where he basically put down Cena's wrestling ability, and almost seemed to go out of his way to verbally "bury" Cena. It went above and beyond anything he had done to that point, and has actually gone above and beyond anything he has done since that point. We've seen other in-and-out-of-character interviews with him since that have declared his comments to be part-shoot and part-work. He knew Cena had all the potential in the world and was a rising star, but he didn't necessarily think Cena was ready to be in that type of spot at that point in his career. This would be the time to let him elaborate on his comments a bit, as well as to get Cena's thoughts on the comments and his mindset going into WrestleMania that year. Did he feel like he had to prove himself?

Just leading up to WrestleMania 22 alone would pretty much be enough content for a good documentary, but then you'd also have to ask Trips about his comments now that everything has played out the way it did. Now that Cena has gone on to become the undisputed biggest name of this era, and has won numerous titles, what does Trips think of his in-ring ability? Does he think Cena has improved? Does he think Cena is still below average in the ring? Then, of course, back to Cena, and seeing if he feels that he has proven himself in the last half-decade or so.

What would make this documentary even better is if the John Cena that participated wasn't the "company man" that we know he is. If they could take the proverbial muzzle off of him, and allow him to speak freely about things, it would make for a great watch/listen, not only with his comments towards Triple H, but his comments towards those types of thoughts, in general, and the negativity that he continues to face to this day from a certain portion of wrestling fans. We know of his "I love the WWE Universe because everyone is free to love me or hate me" line of thinking, but it doesn't take a large leap of faith to assume that he has other thoughts about the hate that he receives. It could be very fun to finally hear him open up about his feelings towards the anti-Cena crowd after all these years, and that alone would be worth the purchase of a DVD set like this.

Steve Austin VS Bret Hart
This is one that I don't think we'll see for a long, long time, if at all, no matter how I happen to feel about the feud. I've stated on numerous occasions that it's my favorite feud in wrestling history, but with Bret being involved in the first actual "Greatest Rivalries" set, and Austin being involved in the upcoming second actual "Greatest Rivalries" set, I wouldn't expect to see either man to be involved in another one for a while, let alone with each other.

If they did put it together, though, it would be interesting to get Austin's take on the WWF scene at the time. It was a very interesting time, both in and out of the ring, and Austin got to watch it all unfold before his very eyes. What are his thoughts on the situation between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels? What are his thoughts on the situation that was building between Bret Hart, Vince McMahon and the company as a whole? Then, on to the feud itself.. what did both men think of the amazing crowd reactions that this feud received from fans? The fact that crossing a certain border is what defined the roles of both men as far as the face/heel divide is concerned is something that was brand new to just about everyone watching. Austin was getting defeaning face pops while performing in the United States, and Hart was becoming more and more hated by the week. When the company performed in Canada, however, things were flipped.. Hart was the hometown legend, and Austin couldn't so much as breathe without being booed.

It would be natural to branch the discussion out to include the rest of the Hart Foundation, which could provide for some interesting moments as Austin talked about Owen Hart. As most of you know, Austin broke his neck at the 1997 edition of SummerSlam on a botched piledriver from Owen. It was an accident, by all means, but Austin has made it clear in interviews that he harbored ill feelings towards Owen after the injury. According to Austin, Owen only apologized once after the injury, and Austin felt that something like that would have required much more than a single phone call. Also, Austin stated that, in going over the match with Owen beforehand, he asked Owen not to perform the piledriver, but obviously, Owen did it, anyway. Bret has gone on to say that Austin had every right to be upset with Owen, but also that he (Bret) apologized to Austin on behalf of Owen, on top of Owen's apology. It would be interesting to hear these events discussed with both men sitting in the same room. Not that I'd expect Austin to go off the deep end and speak negatively about the deceased or anything, but it would just be interesting to see Bret's response to Owen discussion taking place right in front of him, especially when the talk isn't 100% of a positive and glowy nature.

You might have noticed one thing about these rivalries in comparison to Michaels VS Hart.. a serious lack of legit heat between people. With Michaels and Hart, you knew there was legit tension, bordering on hatred, between them. We don't have that between the participants in all of those tag team TLC matches (other than the Edge/Matt/Lita love triangle, which wouldn't be anywhere near enough to warrant a DVD set of its own). We don't have that between The Undertaker and Mankind (or Taker and KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE). We don't have that between John Cena and Triple H (or Cena and Edge). It's debatable whether or not we have that between Steve Austin and Bret Hart, but by most accounts, their hatred was mainly kayfabe. The additions to the "Greatest Rivalries" series that would feature legit hatred either have stories that have already been told (Vince McMahon VS Eric Bischoff, or WWF VS WCW), or can't happen due to death and/or contractual issues (Hulk Hogan VS Randy Savage would have been one of the greatest wrestling documentaries ever made, for example).

Your turn, ReaderLand. What "Greatest Rivalries" sets would you like to see? Try to go with ones that would legitimately happen (so nothing like Al Snow VS Hardcore Holly), as well as ones that would not only make for a riveting documentary, but could also feature enough matches and promos to fill up the bonus discs. Because I did it, you can use non-WWE contracted talent, if need be, so people like Kurt Angle, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy and Ric Flair are fair game, so knock yourselves out.

The HiPE Playlist: "Ambulance" by CarlisleVon.. "Rush Hour" by L.E.P. Bogus Boys & Meek Mill.. "Tony Montana" by Pusha T.. "I'm A Boss" by Pusha T.. "Niggas In Dade" by Trick Daddy.. "I'm Home" by Tyrese & Jay Rock.. "BAP" by Bumpy Knuckles.. "Swim Good" by Frank Ocean.. "Ready" by Frank Ocean.. "Acura Integurl" by Frank Ocean.. "Thinking About You" by Frank Ocean.. "If I'm In Love" by Frank Ocean.. "Can't Be The Last Time" by Frank Ocean.. "Hardest Thing" by Frank Ocean.. "No Love" by Frank Ocean

I don't have pet peeves. I have major, psychotic fucking hatreds!

-------------------------Day 669

8:55pm: My DVR is acting screwy. Again. Therefore, tonight's episode of Raw will be downloaded and watched in that manner. Darth Vader is joining me once again, so you know what that means.. when I post the link, click it and press the button. Here's the link..

NOOOOOO!!!

9:00pm: It's Halloween, and of course, that means the oh-so-spooky Muppets are the guest hosts of Raw. Makes sense to me. I'm actually excited to see how this all plays out.

9:01pm: The Rock is bringing it via satellite again. The Atlanta crowd sucks so much ass that they didn't even react to Rock's music being played. Press the button once for each of those atrocities..

NOOOOOO!!!

NOOOOOO!!!

9:02pm: Rock's answer to John Cena is "hell no". He doesn't want to team with Cena at Survivor Series.

9:04pm: Hey, Rock, if it was really about what the people want, why would you keep appearing in pre-taped promos?

9:04pm: Rock changes his mind about teaming with Cena, and says that the people want him to team up, so he will. I guess that makes the match official.. John Cena & The Rock VS The Miz & R-Truth at Survivor Series.

9:06pm: It's fitting that Rock's goatee is filled with gray hairs now. It's a sign of how old he and his act are already. Having him return for nostalgia purposes was fine. It was great to hear his old catchphrases and all that for one week, but having to hear them over and over and over again.. it's really making him look bad.

9:08pm: After a boring Rock promo that barely got any type of crowd response at all, CM Punk is on the way to the ring for this week's first match. His opponent? The World Champion, Mark Henry. If Punk wins, he gets his wish and will face the WWE Champion, Alberto Del Rrrrrio, at Survivor Series. This should be an interesting match.

9:10pm: John Laurinaitis has graced us with his presence and is cutting a promo before the match. You know the rule, folks.. press the button whenever Laurinaitis cuts a promo..

NOOOOOO!!!

9:13pm: ADR and Ricardo Rodriguez are at ringside, and ADR sends Ricardo in the ring to attack Mark Henry. It leads to a victory for Henry by disqualification. That's some decent heel strategy by ADR, who clearly doesn't want to face Punk. Punk chases ADR off, but Ricardo isn't quick enough to escape. Punk tosses Ricardo into the ring, to a waiting Mark Henry. Henry lays Ricardo out with a World's Strongest Slam that the cameras missed completely. Way to go, guys. All this happening so early in the show, and then having such a sudden ending, means we'll probably be getting more of this storyline later in the show at some point.

9:17pm: It's Kermit The Frog and Miss Piggy!

9:17pm: Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger are out to interrupt Kermit and Piggy.

9:18pm: lol @ Kermit thinking that Vickie was Swagger's mother, and then lol @ Vickie and Miss Piggy having a back-and-forth "Excuse Me" battle.

9:19pm: Santino comes out and informs us that "John Laryngitis" has booked him in a match with Swagger tonight.

9:20pm: LMAO @ the Atlanta fans booing at the announcement of Zack Ryder being Dolph Ziggler's opponent for tonight. That's not a good sign at all, now is it?

9:21pm: Our next match is a Divas Battle Royal to determine the #1 Contender for the Divas Title. It is Halloween, after all, so the Divas are all dressed in their Halloween costumes. Alright, which one of them is going to eliminate themselves?

9:22pm: AJ looks so fucking hot as Mortal Kombat's Kitana. Wow.

9:24pm: This is awful. So much terrible in-ring workers in one match.

9:25pm: Eve wins. So fucking what?

9:26pm: IT'S BEAKER!!! MY FAVORITE MUPPET!!!

9:27pm: IT'S SHEAMUS!!! SHEAMUS AND BEAKER TOGETHER!!! Sheamus saves Beaker from a backstage bullying from Christian, after Christian poured out a special elixir from Dr Bunsen Honeydew that Beaker was supposed to deliver to Santino.

9:28pm: LMFAO @ Sheamus and Beaker being related. That's fucking awesome. Thank you for that, WWE. It's about time you do something right on Raw.

9:30pm: Our next match is Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne VS Cody Rhodes & Wade Bar-ruh. Alright then. It's a non-title match, and the heels get the jobber entrance. Yikes.

9:33pm: A dozen random fans chant "Cody Sucks" so terribly that it sounded like "Rocky Sucks" for most of the chant.

9:35pm: Holy shit.. Bar-ruh reversed a Hurricanrana attempt by Bourne into an attempt at Wasteland, but Bourne counters that into a DDT. That was sweet.

9:36pm: A distraction from Cody is enough for Bar-ruh to actually hit Wasteland the second time around, and the Tag Team Champions lose again.

9:36pm: Christian comes out for a three-on-two attack, but that is quickly thwarted because IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTER HEAD!!! TOO MANY LIMES!!! I'M RETIRING THIS GIMMICK BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY I CAN TOP MY RANT FROM THIS PAST WEEK'S EPISODE OF SMACKDOWN!!! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!! I guess this means we'll be getting a six-man tag on Smackdown, or possibly even on Raw next week.. Sheamus, Kofi & Bourne VS Christian, Cody & Bar-ruh. That's perfectly fine with me.

9:39pm: Our next match is Big Show VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio. Non-title, of course. I'm a little worried, though. With this awful Atlanta crowd, and these two workers that aren't exactly the flashiest and most exciting guys on the planet, this could get ugly.

9:45pm: Hey, Berto, you've really got to do a better job of hiding the fact that you're hitting your own hand when you go to "headbutt" Big Show. You weren't even remotely close to making it look like a legit headbutt. This isn't Lucha Libre anymore, buddy.

9:48pm: Cole, you worthless cunt, Atlanta was not the site of last year's WrestleMania. It was the site of this year's WrestleMania. You are a fucking idiot. Just an absolute waste of oxygen.

9:50pm: This match is already going longer than I expected it to. Of all the matches they decided to give plenty of time to, I don't think many were expecting it to be Big Show VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio. Interesting.

9:51pm: lol @ the camera catching someone in the crowd yawning. Pretty much expected that.

9:53pm: Wait.. what? Show lands his KO punch and wins the match just like that? Did they strip ADR of the WWE Title before the match and just not tell anyone?

9:54pm: CM Punk is on his way to the ring again. Laurinaitis told him that he could have the WWE Title match at Survivor Series if ADR was nice enough to grant him the shot, so I guess this is where Punk will make the official request.

9:57pm: Punk locks ADR in the Anaconda Vice until ADR grants him his request. That's certainly one way to make things happen, I suppose. ADR looks like a lame duck champion right now, though.

10:00pm: A look at the various people wearing Halloween costumes in the crowd, and Jerry Lawler says "ahh, scary" at a shot of someone dressed as Hulk Hogan. Get it? Because Hogan works for TNA?!? WWE, Y U SO CLEVER?!?

10:01pm: Animal (the Muppet, not the Road Warrior) is the special guest time keeper for our next match.. Santino VS Jack Swagger.

10:04pm: A "We Want Ryder" chant from the crowd. Make up your fucking mind, Atlanta.

10:05pm: Cole the fucking tard decides to talk about Jim Ross instead of call the action, but I'll focus on Beaker showing up at ringside and handing Santino some more of the elixir he was supposed to deliver earlier, and sure enough, it leads to a victory for Santino. Poor Swagger.

10:06pm: Next up, it's time for Zack Ryder, coming out to hardly any reaction at all from the crowd, further showing how confused the people of Atlanta are. They have no idea what's going on, do they? They're probably waiting for Goldberg and the nWo to come out or something.

10:12pm: For the first time all match, the crowd actually makes some noise, and it's for the referee calling off a Ryder victory because Ziggler was in the ropes.

10:13pm: ..it doesn't matter, either way, because Ryder gets the win just seconds later. He pins Ziggler for what seems like the 20th time, but still doesn't have the United States Title, so do any of those wins really count?

10:15pm: By Triple H's orders, John Laurinaitis has re-signed Kevin Nash. Joy. Nash will be on Raw next week. Joy.

10:15pm: Michael Cole promo time. Joy.

10:16pm: Wait.. wait, wait, wait one fucking minute.. after all of the talk last week, and all of the fucking time they wasted having these piece of shit Cole talk about it this week, we're not having the Michael Cole Challenge at all this week, and now we have to wait yet another week to deal with this bullshit?!? Way to go, WWE. What is this.. WCW? Promote one fucking thing all week, and then don't deliver on it at all. Just for that type of blatant stupidity and Andy Reid-like clock management.. press the button..

NOOOOOO!!!

10:21pm: Main event time.. John Cena VS The Miz. Atlanta just can't escape this match, apparently. As if the people of Atlanta needed to be confused about times and dates some more. Now they think it's still early-2011.

10:22pm: At least Cena gets a crowd reaction from these folks. No surprise there.

10:24pm: Loud dueling chants of "Let's Go Cena" and "Cena Sucks". It's like the crowd was purposely saving their voices and energy for Cena's appearance.

10:28pm: Cena nearly took Miz's head clean off of his fucking shoulders with a stiff lariat. My goodness.

10:30pm: Cena gets attacked at ringside by someone in the crowd dressed as the killer from the Scream movies, and security is shown standing there and watching the entire thing, giving away that it isn't an actual fan.

10:31pm: Cena wins, and then the "fan" runs in, only to get laid out by Cena and revealed as R-Truth. Cena can beat these two guys by himself. I don't see why he even needs Rock's help at all.

#ThankYouBeaker: Sheamus & Beaker interacting, which is going to go down as one of my all-time favorite backstage segments.. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne VS Cody Rhodes & Wade Bar-ruh was fun while it lasted.. The reversal-fest that I mentioned with Bar-ruh and Bourne.. Big Show VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio being a surprisingly lengthy match, and also being better than I expected.. Zack Ryder VS Dolph Ziggler.. An actual focus on in-ring action (there must have been in the vicinity of 50 minutes of it this week, but I'm sure Stan will give us the exact number soon)

#FuckYouCamillaTheChicken: The Rock's promo.. Michael Cole

Grade: B-/C+. I'm as shocked as anyone in the world, folks, trust me.

The HiPE Playlist: Raw.

I'm Statler.

I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".

Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private Screening Room D.

Private screening?

Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public!

-------------------------Day 670

As most of you know by now, Evan Bourne was suspended today for a violation of WWE's Wellness Policy. It's his first offense, so it's a 30-day ban. We haven't heard official word yet, but my "sources" (aka someone I talk to on Twitter that actually have "sources") indicate that the suspension is for the synthetic marijuana known as "Spice". It's not what we expected when the news first broke, that's for sure. Some assumed steroids of some sort, based on how much muscle definition Bourne has on his smallish body frame. Some assumed pain pills of some sort, based on the amount of punishment Bourne takes in his matches and just how far he's willing to go to sell moves. Word is that the suspensions of Heath Slater and Darren Young are also linked to "Spice", and also, we could be seeing more suspensions by the end of the year because of it.

Look, any person getting busted for any violation of the Wellness Policy isn't exactly the most intelligent person on the planet, but these Harvard graduates getting caught with "Spice" are a special breed of stupid. Let's look at this a little deeper, shall we?

It's a synthetic marijuana. It isn't the real thing. It contains similar chemical compounds to regular marijuana, and provides similar effects to the real thing. Now, I don't smoke anything at all, so maybe I'm not the right person to be saying this, but why not just smoke the real thing for better effects? I know what some of you are thinking.. they don't smoke the real thing, because that would also be a Wellness Policy violation, so what difference does it make? That's a good way of thinking. It's actually the exact same thing I was thinking.. until I read the actual Wellness Policy and paid closer attention. Get this..

Marijuana isn't a suspendable offense under the Wellness Policy.

Read that again.

Marijuana.. weed, the sticky icky icky, bud, ganja, that fire, hay, grass, pakalolo, pot, chronic.. the real stuff, not the synthetic stuff.. isn't a suspendable offense under the WWE's Wellness Policy.

If a WWE employee is caught testing positive for marijuana, they shall be fined $2,500 dollars, which will be deducted from the downside guarantee in their contract. The fines don't even increase for multiple violations. If they get caught, it's a $2,500 fine. If they get caught again, it's another $2,500 fine. Get caught again, and it's another $2,500 fine. Sure, the more positive tests someone has, the more likely the company will give them the old heave-ho, but it isn't anything that is guaranteed to happen.

So, go ahead and see if you can follow along with this..

- Get caught smoking real marijuana, and receive a fine. Not even a fine that would require you to hand money over right then and there. A fine that is just taken out of their contract down the road. Your name will also be kept private, preventing you from the embarrassment you'd receive if it was made known you were on some sort of drugs.

- Get caught smoking fake marijuana, and get suspended for 30 days. On top of that, you also get fined the amount that is equal to 30 days pay, based on your contract. Therefore, the bigger name you are, the more your fine will be. On top of that, your suspension will be made public, and you'll have the opportunity to explain yourself to the wrestling public for the rest of time.

- Get caught smoking fake marijuana twice, and get suspended for 60 days. On top of that, you also get fined the amount that is equal to 60 days pay, based on your contract. Therefore, the bigger name you are, the more your fine will be. On top of that, your suspension will be made public again, and you'll have the opportunity to explain yourself even further to the wrestling public for the rest of time.

- Get caught smoking fake marijuana three times, and get your contract terminated. On top of that, your violation will be made public, as will your release from the company, and you'll have the opportunity to explain yourself to the wrestling public for the rest of time, but nobody will believe any excuses you come up with, no matter what.

When you look at all that, and you look at the risks that these guys are taking, what type of idiocy does it take to even think about messing with the fake stuff? A lesser high, and a bigger risk to your career? What's the point of that?

I realize that Evan Bourne doesn't sound like the smartest person on the planet when you listen to him speak. I realize that Darren Young doesn't sound like the smartest person on the planet when you listen to him speak. I realize that Heath Slater damn sure doesn't sound like the smartest person on the planet when you listen to him speak. That's fine and all, but I'll be perfectly honest.. if you're dumb enough to put yourself in a situation like this, you deserve to be fired. That goes for anyone, from people who don't even get television time like Darren Young to the top guys in the company like John Cena and Randy Orton. I mean that. If news ever comes out that Cena had a positive test for "Spice", I will be the first one to call for his time with WWE to end.

When news broke, everyone and their mother assumed it would mean that Bourne and Kofi Kingston would be dropping the WWE Tag Team Titles at tonight's Smackdown tapings. This isn't a spoiler, so don't worry.. they weren't even competing on Smackdown, so there goes that idea. If his suspension is already underway, we can't really expect him to show up on Raw next week, so now we have to think that Air Boom will continue to be the champions after Bourne's suspension is over. In the world of kayfabe, that doesn't make sense, because that would mean the champions break the rule about having to defend their titles once every 30 days. It would be pretty dumb if WWE does nothing during the entire suspension, and then upon Bourne's return, John Laurinaitis announces that Air Boom is being stripped of the titles because they haven't defended them. Of course, with that said, it's exactly what the company is going to do. Outside of kayfabe, it's not sending a solid enough message to the rest of the WWE locker room. If he was caught, he should be punished. Sure, it's unfair to Kofi, who hasn't done anything wrong, but that's not for the company to deal with. That's for Bourne to deal with. That's for Bourne to tell Kofi why he just had the best push he's had in years pulled out from underneath him overnight.

Way to go, Evan. Smooth fucking move.

The HiPE Playlist: Nothing tonight.

I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food.

-------------------------Day 671

*By Request*

Back in the middle of July, I did a column titled "Random Stat-o-Rama", looking at a whole bunch of stats from the last few decades in the world of wrestling. When I said "Random", it was for a reason.. there was no real general direction in the column. It was just a bunch of stats, and my thoughts on said stats. I have received multiple requests to do another column of that nature, but it was a brief discussion on Twitter this afternoon that brought the column on today.

The discussion?

In his entire career with the WWF/WWE, The Undertaker has only lost by submission one time in 20 years, and that was at 2009's Breaking Point pay-per-view in a match against CM Punk. If you remember the match, you remember that it ended under all sorts of shenaniganery, and that Taker never actually submitted. Imagine going 20 years in wrestling without actually submitting to any person at any time.

That, of course, led to John Cena and his history with submission losses. In his WWE career, Cena has lost five matches by submission, but none of them have happened since February 2004, when he tapped out to a Kurt Angle Ankle Lock at the No Way Out pay-per-view. That, of course, was before Cena was a main event name in the company.

It led me to think about two other names and their submission history..

- Hulk Hogan has 11 submission losses. He just tapped out to Sting at Bound For Glory a few weeks ago, but before that, his last submission defeat was at 2002's King Of The Ring pay-per-view, where he lost to Kurt Angle. Because it goes along with comments I've made about Hogan's history with Sting, five of Hogan's submission losses came against Sting.

- Randy Orton has 14 submission losses. His last submission loss was at 2009's Bragging Rights pay-per-view, where he lost to John Cena. In that match, not only was the final fall a tap out by Orton, but the first fall was the exact same thing. It still only counts as one loss, but it's still worth mentioning. It's also worth noting that both Super Cena and Super Orton have never lost by submission. Orton wasn't quite at Super Orton status at Bragging Rights.

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I started thinking about match lengths after looking at the Bragging Rights match between Orton and Cena, which was of the 60-minute Ironman variety. I wanted to know about the longest matches that various wrestlers have performed in, but of course, numbers can be skewed a bit because of those Ironman matches, as well as Royal Rumbles and various Battle Royals through the years. So, instead of longest match, period, I decided to look at the longest plain singles matches, just for fun. Here are some numbers..

Randy Orton - 28:07 (VS Chris Benoit, 2006, Smackdown)
John Cena - 55:49 (VS Shawn Michaels, 2007, Raw)
Triple H - 29:12 (VS Shawn Michaels, 2003, Raw)
Kevin Nash - 27:18 (VS Bret Hart, 1995, Royal Rumble)
Hulk Hogan - 22:51 (VS The Ultimate Warrior, 1990, WrestleMania 6)
Sting - 45:00 (VS Ric Flair, 1988, Clash Of The Champions)
Steve Austin - 28:36 (VS Bret Hart, 1996, Survivor Series)
The Rock - 23:44 (VS Chris Jericho, 2001, No Mercy)
The Undertaker - 30:41 (VS Shawn Michaels, 2009, WrestleMania 25)
Big Show - 17:30 (VS Rob Van Dam, 2006, ECW)
Batista - 21:34 (VS Triple H, 2005, WrestleMania 21)
Kurt Angle - 30:00 (VS Jeff Hardy, 2010, No Surrender)
Edge - 26:36 (VS Randy Orton, 2004, Vengeance)
Chris Benoit - 32:00 (VS Bret Hart, 1999, Nitro)
Randy Savage - 28:00 (VS The Ultimate Warrior, 1992, SummerSlam)
Rey Mysterio - 26:00 (VS Eddie Guerrero, 2005, Smackdown)
The Great Khali - 12:35 (VS John Cena, 2007, Judgment Day)
Eddie Guerrero - 30:07 (VS Brock Lesnar, 2004, No Way Out)
Vader - 28:59 (VS Shawn Michaels, 1996, SummerSlam)
Mick Foley - 26:25 (VS Shawn Michaels, 1996, In Your House: Mind Games)

I kinda chuckled to myself the entire time I was typing out the Khali entry. 12:35 for a Khali match. Wow. It doesn't seem like he's wrestled for 12:35 combined in all of his televised matches in 2011. That's crazy.

What really stands out from that list is that an entire fourth have had their longest match against Shawn Michaels. There are two on that list from 1996, one from 2003, one from 2007 and one from 2009. That's a testament to the type of worker that Michaels was, and how much faith the company had in him to go out there with his opponents and perform in matches that were much longer than usual.

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Continuing my journey into the wonderful world of statistics, I looked and saw that John Cena has competed in 99 matches on pay-per-view in his career. He has a total of 73 pay-per-view main events, as well. That's quite the ratio. Damn near three-quarters of the time Cena has appeared on pay-per-view, he was featured in the main event. Some other pay-per-view numbers..

Hulk Hogan - 85 matches (64 main events)
Steve Austin - 94 matches (50 main events)
The Rock - 73 matches (40 main events)
Randy Orton - 90 matches (58 main events)
The Undertaker - 160 matches (86 main events)

What first jumps out at me is that the site updated itself. When I did the first column, Taker was listed as having 157 matches on pay-per-view. Now, perhaps I haven't been paying close enough attention, but I don't think he's had three pay-per-view matches in the last three months.

Otherwise, Hulk Hogan main eventing pay-per-views at a 75.3% clip (just ahead of Cena's 73.7%) really stands out. Of course, Cena is still in the prime of his career, and has several more years at the top of things in the WWE landscape, so he should pass Hogan's percentage sooner than later. In fact, he'll pass Hogan's mark at Backlash in April if he participates in every pay-per-view main event from Survivor Series until Backlash, which is a very distinct possibility. By the time Cena's career is over, he could very well put the number out of reach (not counting those who have main evented the only pay-per-view they wrestled in). Some of you are frightened now, I'm sure.

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Hey, speaking of career longevity, did you know that Puroresu legend Tatsumi Fujinami wrestled in 34 different years? We're not talking about having a career that has lasted for 34 years, because his career has been going for 39 years now (he's still wrestling, less than two months away from turning 58), but he didn't have a single match between 1972 and 1978, and he also didn't have a match in 2004. Subtract those five years, and booyakasha, you have him wrestling in 34 years. That's a pretty impressive number.

As sad as this is to say, both Ric Flair and Terry Funk could very well beat Fujinami's mark. They have matches in 32 different years, and with both of them still wrestling, it wouldn't take a whole lot of work. Remember, they don't have to be active for an entire year. They just need to wrestle one match during an entire calendar year. We've already seen rumors that Flair could be getting back into the ring in TNA in the next few months, so that would be 33 years for him. He'll be 63 in February, but come on, we all know he'll be wrestling until he dies, so let's just mark him down for at least 35 different years. Terry Funk is an even more interesting case, because he'll be turning 68 in 2012, but he's the poster boy for not knowing when to walk away from the business, and with him performing on the indy circuit, where there are always "legends" tribute shows, he'll probably have work for as long as he wants it, as well.

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The PWI 500. It's a legendary list in the annals of wrestling history. There was a time that people lived and died by the rankings. It isn't as special these days, but it's still something I look forward to seeing every year.

Kurt Angle is the best-rated worker of all-time, if you're looking at the PWI 500. Through his career, his average ranking on the list is 9.33, which is pretty crazy. If you look at other names and their average rankings, it tells you how great Angle's ranking really is..

Ricky Steamboat: 10.5
Steve Austin: 14.09
Chris Jericho: 15.77
Shawn Michaels: 16.13
The Undertaker: 17.28
Bret Hart: 18.22
Randy Savage: 22.11
Arn Anderson: 22.33
Owen Hart: 23.86
Ric Flair: 29.47
Eddie Guerrero: 30.91
Chris Benoit: 31.20
John Cena: 33.36
Triple H: 34.24
Randy Orton: 36.73
Kenta Kobashi: 36.86
Brian Pillman: 41.80
Rey Mysterio: 43.06
Edge: 43.93
The Rock: 44.43

9.33

Wow.

Honestly, I don't think there's a chance that gets beaten. Ever. With the combination of success, in-ring work, etc that goes into the list, as well as their strong opinions on both Lucha Libre and Puroresu, it's just really difficult to remain in the top ten year in and year out. On top of that, you'd need to be incredibly successful from the start of your career. You can't spend time on the indy circuit, or in FCW, as that will affect your overall ranking. Angle, of course, didn't have to deal with indy wrestling and all of that. He went right into the WWF and has been on television and pay-per-view ever since with quality year after quality year. The odds of something like that happening again just aren't very good.

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In case you missed it last time, here's the site I've been using to get all of my statistics..

Internet Wrestling Database

If you're a wrestling nerd, you could easily find yourself spending hours on that site, just adding to your nerdery. I know I have.

The HiPE Playlist: "Hard White (Remix)" by Yelawolf, Slaughterhouse & T.I. (on repeat)

You wanna know my motto? Fuck Lotto! I'll get the seven digits from your mother for a dollar tomorrow.

Source: lordsofpain.net