Believe The HIPE - Year 2, Week 44 (10/29 - 11/4)
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1. Day 667 - Mahalo, BJ
2. Day 668 - More Greatest Rivalries
2.5 Day 669 - Raw Running Diary
4. Day 670 - Spice
5. Day 671 - Random Stat-o-Rama #2
Beast mode, De. Beast mode.Day 667
This is going to be a column that the large majority of my readers won't care much about, but it's something that I need to write after events transpired tonight, so you might want to go ahead and skip this column if you're someone that always complains when I decide to write about MMA instead of wrestling. Just consider that your warning, I guess.
It's a sad night, not only for myself, but for many fans of the sport of Mixed Martial Arts, especially in Hawaii.
MMA legend, BJ Penn, the former UFC Lightweight and Welterweight Champion of the world, announced his retirement inside the octagon tonight, moments after losing to Nick Diaz in the main event of the UFC 137 pay-per-view.
I can't say that it's a shock. In fact, I almost called it. At the end of the fight, I tweeted "No more, Penn.", before he announced he was leaving the sport. In his last five fights, counting tonight's Diaz fight, his record is 1-3-1, including the loss of the Lightweight Title, as well as the failure in winning the title back during his next fight. His only win came over Matt Hughes in November of last year, and that fight only lasted 21 seconds, so an argument can definitely be made that BJ got a "lucky knockout" more than anything else. He's almost 33 years old, so it isn't like he's a decrepit old man, but he has a lot of mileage in those 33 years. His first professional MMA fight was in May of 2001, and four years before that, he began training Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. That's a whole lot of fighting, bumps and bruises on that 33-year-old body.
Even though I "predicted" his retirement, it's still a terribly sad night. Hawaii doesn't really have a whole lot of super-famous celebrities that come from here. Not in comparison to other states, anyway. Without that long list of celebrities, and without any professional sports teams here, we really cling to people when they can represent the state, and especially when it's an athlete. Coming from "The Big Island" of Hawaii (it's the name of one of the islands here, and not just the name of the whole state, for those who don't know), BJ has represented Hawaii incredibly well through the years. He's been the biggest reason that MMA is the unofficial #1 sport in Hawaii today, ahead of even football. His walk-in music for all of his fights is "Hawaii '78" leading into "E Ala E", both by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, who is the Tupac Shakur of Hawaiian music because his name got much bigger in death than it was in life (even if you've never been to Hawaii, chances are you've heard his version of "Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World", as it is world-famous at this point). When BJ fought on pay-per-view, it was almost like a holiday here. All over the state, you'd have pay-per-view parties, with folks getting together for barbecues and to knock back some "green bottles" (Heineken is an insanely popular beer in Hawaii). During his fights, you could always mute your television and hear people yelling and cheering along, no matter where you happened to be.. in a house, in an apartment, etc. You could even drive down the street and hear it. Thinking about that not being able to take place anymore is almost depressing.
Yes, there are other fighters on the UFC roster that represent Hawaii in one way or another.. Chris Leben, Brad Tavares and Travis Browne.. as well as guys like Kendall Grove, who is a former UFC fighter and a relatively big name on the smaller MMA circuits, and Jason "Mayhem" Miller, who is basically an adopted Hawaiian, and someone who made his name fighting in Hawaii before making it to the UFC and the Strikeforce promotion. That's fine, but it isn't quite the same thing as having BJ Penn fighting.
I didn't quite think about it at the immediate time of BJ's post-fight announcement, but it didn't take long for me to turn some of my sadness into anger. Anger directed at UFC themselves. Anger directed to the state of Hawaii. In recent years, the idea of UFC bringing an event to Hawaii has been discussed a lot, but it never quite came to pass, obviously. Putting a UFC event in Aloha Stadium (the stadium that the University of Hawaii football team plays in, as well as the home of the NFL's annual Pro Bowl) would be like printing money for the company. The place holds 50,000 people for football, so you can only imagine how many more people could be added if the field was open for seats and standing-room people. When the company holds events in places like Canada, Brazil, and the United Kingdom, they love to feature fighters on the card from those particular areas. You'd have to assume that they would do the same if they ever came to Hawaii, and having BJ Penn in a main event, possibly in a title fight against someone like Georges St Pierre, who is already one of the most popular fighters on the planet, would pretty much guarantee that tickets would sell out in near-record time, even with the larger capacity. Arguments between UFC and the state over things like taxes, licensing and stadium conditions have continued to delay any events from taking place here, and now, with BJ's retirement, a magical experience could possibly be lost forever. Yes, it would still be a huge deal if UFC were to come here, but the "perfect" main event for that show isn't possible now, and that upsets me.
Could BJ fight for UFC again? Sure. We've seen fighters get emotional after a loss, and in that emotional state, declare they were finished fighting, only to change their mind once they've been able to calm down. Will we see that with BJ? It's definitely possible, but if I were to venture a guess, I don't think that's how it will happen. He meant what he said in the post-fight interview. He has a daughter that just turned three a few days ago, and he has another daughter on the way. He said that he doesn't want to keep going home looking like he did, as a battered and bruised man. You could just see it in his eyes when he said it.. he was done. He had no fire left. One of the greatest warriors in MMA history just didn't have that desire anymore. If he wants to focus his time and energy on being a father now, I can't hold that against him in any way, shape or form.
If this really is the end of your career, BJ, I merely have one word to say that expresses my gratitude, as well as the gratitude of your fans and the people of Hawaii..
Mahalo.
The HiPE Playlist: Nothing tonight.
FAT ASSES!
Hustle
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-Team Sleep--------------------------Day 668
Big ups to my boy, Evan, for his first tournament win. Helluva takedown. Helluva finish. I see you out there, bruh. Salute.
*By Request
This is actually a request I've received multiple times in the last few months, but with news coming out today in regards to the topic, it's as good a time as any to finally go ahead and fulfill the request.
Three weeks ago, I wrote a review for the documentary section of the "Greatest Rivalries: Shawn Michaels VS Bret Hart" DVD set. Before then, but especially after then, people have talked to me about the talk of other possible "Greatest Rivalries" sets coming out. We've already heard that one for Steve Austin VS The Rock will be coming out at a to-be-determined date, but what about others? People didn't know if it would be a long series or not, but today, we heard that the company is in fact planning new sets based on the rave reviews that the Michaels VS Hart one has received so far. In today's column, I look at some rivalries that I'd love to see, along with some reasons as to why they will or won't happen. Let's make it happen. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!
Edge & Christian VS The Hardy Boyz VS The Dudley Boyz
The first thing you notice about this rivalry is how difficult it would be to make it happen right now. Of those six men, three are currently under contract with TNA, so they damn sure won't be participating in any interviews for a WWE DVD set. Matt Hardy isn't under WWE contract, either, but as someone who is currently in WWE-sponsored rehab, it wouldn't surprise me whatsoever if he gets involved with the company in some way (even if it's in a non-wrestling fashion, because he said he was retired), so that's not a concern.
If they could get all six men involved, it would make for a fantastic documentary, in my opinion. Getting to know their thoughts about bringing tag team wrestling to the forefront in mainstream wrestling again, their thoughts going into working the many dangerous matches they worked in any various combination, and yes.. even a sidebar about the Edge/Matt/Lita love triangle, complete with comments from Lita herself, if she was willing to speak on the matter. Hell, that part of the documentary alone might sell the entire thing.
As far as the in-ring aspect of the rivalry goes, it would be fun to hear from all of them about any "beef" that began to build between them during those matches. As heated as the matches were, as hard-hitting as they were, and with as much on the line as there was, you just know tensions were incredibly high before, during and after the matches.
Another problem with putting this DVD set together would be the content on the other discs. We have two Ladder Match DVD sets out already, as well as an Edge set and a Jeff Hardy set. We've seen pretty much all of the matches in this rivalry on DVD at one point already, so including them here might be overkill a bit. However, to counter that, look at the time frame of things.. by the time that all six men will be contractually available to participate in a project like this, it will be long after the recent Ladder Match 2 set was released, so they could probably get away with having the same matches involved in this set.
The Undertaker VS Mankind or KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE
Personally, I'd be fine with either opponent for Taker. Most people would probably say Taker VS KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE was the "better" feud, and therefore, more deserving of a DVD set, but I think Taker VS Mankind would attract more attention so we'll go with that one.
Obviously, the gigantic roadblock for something like this happening is the company's insistence on keeping kayfabe with The Undertaker through the years. I have a difficult time picturing him sitting down for an in-depth interview with Jim Ross and Mick Foley for anything, especially when it comes to discussing anything that didn't take place on-camera in front of millions.
Like I said with the Edge/Matt/Lita love triangle, I think the section of Taker VS Mankind that would sell the documentary all by itself is none other than their Hell In A Cell match. It would be amazing to hear both men talk about their thoughts going into the match, including going over the spots that took place. You have to assume it was Foley's idea to be thrown from the top of the Cell, so it would be fun to hear Taker talk about what was going through his mind when another grown man suggested that he be thrown from 25-30 feet in the air, crashing through a table before slamming to the concrete below. Then, of course, what was going through Taker's mind when Foley went through the top of the Cell, in the spot that is widely-known to be unplanned. With something like that being unplanned, and with the landing that Foley took because of it, Taker had to be thinking that he just participated in the end of a man's career.. or maybe even worse. I'm sure the Hell In A Cell talk alone could run an hour if they played their cards right.
John Cena VS Triple H or Edge
Again, I'd be fine with either opponent, but because I already have Edge participating in one of these, and because I think the Triple H one would have more potential to be interesting, I'll go with that option.
Heading into their match at WrestleMania 22, we heard a lot of promos from Triple H where he basically put down Cena's wrestling ability, and almost seemed to go out of his way to verbally "bury" Cena. It went above and beyond anything he had done to that point, and has actually gone above and beyond anything he has done since that point. We've seen other in-and-out-of-character interviews with him since that have declared his comments to be part-shoot and part-work. He knew Cena had all the potential in the world and was a rising star, but he didn't necessarily think Cena was ready to be in that type of spot at that point in his career. This would be the time to let him elaborate on his comments a bit, as well as to get Cena's thoughts on the comments and his mindset going into WrestleMania that year. Did he feel like he had to prove himself?
Just leading up to WrestleMania 22 alone would pretty much be enough content for a good documentary, but then you'd also have to ask Trips about his comments now that everything has played out the way it did. Now that Cena has gone on to become the undisputed biggest name of this era, and has won numerous titles, what does Trips think of his in-ring ability? Does he think Cena has improved? Does he think Cena is still below average in the ring? Then, of course, back to Cena, and seeing if he feels that he has proven himself in the last half-decade or so.
What would make this documentary even better is if the John Cena that participated wasn't the "company man" that we know he is. If they could take the proverbial muzzle off of him, and allow him to speak freely about things, it would make for a great watch/listen, not only with his comments towards Triple H, but his comments towards those types of thoughts, in general, and the negativity that he continues to face to this day from a certain portion of wrestling fans. We know of his "I love the WWE Universe because everyone is free to love me or hate me" line of thinking, but it doesn't take a large leap of faith to assume that he has other thoughts about the hate that he receives. It could be very fun to finally hear him open up about his feelings towards the anti-Cena crowd after all these years, and that alone would be worth the purchase of a DVD set like this.
Steve Austin VS Bret Hart
This is one that I don't think we'll see for a long, long time, if at all, no matter how I happen to feel about the feud. I've stated on numerous occasions that it's my favorite feud in wrestling history, but with Bret being involved in the first actual "Greatest Rivalries" set, and Austin being involved in the upcoming second actual "Greatest Rivalries" set, I wouldn't expect to see either man to be involved in another one for a while, let alone with each other.
If they did put it together, though, it would be interesting to get Austin's take on the WWF scene at the time. It was a very interesting time, both in and out of the ring, and Austin got to watch it all unfold before his very eyes. What are his thoughts on the situation between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels? What are his thoughts on the situation that was building between Bret Hart, Vince McMahon and the company as a whole? Then, on to the feud itself.. what did both men think of the amazing crowd reactions that this feud received from fans? The fact that crossing a certain border is what defined the roles of both men as far as the face/heel divide is concerned is something that was brand new to just about everyone watching. Austin was getting defeaning face pops while performing in the United States, and Hart was becoming more and more hated by the week. When the company performed in Canada, however, things were flipped.. Hart was the hometown legend, and Austin couldn't so much as breathe without being booed.
It would be natural to branch the discussion out to include the rest of the Hart Foundation, which could provide for some interesting moments as Austin talked about Owen Hart. As most of you know, Austin broke his neck at the 1997 edition of SummerSlam on a botched piledriver from Owen. It was an accident, by all means, but Austin has made it clear in interviews that he harbored ill feelings towards Owen after the injury. According to Austin, Owen only apologized once after the injury, and Austin felt that something like that would have required much more than a single phone call. Also, Austin stated that, in going over the match with Owen beforehand, he asked Owen not to perform the piledriver, but obviously, Owen did it, anyway. Bret has gone on to say that Austin had every right to be upset with Owen, but also that he (Bret) apologized to Austin on behalf of Owen, on top of Owen's apology. It would be interesting to hear these events discussed with both men sitting in the same room. Not that I'd expect Austin to go off the deep end and speak negatively about the deceased or anything, but it would just be interesting to see Bret's response to Owen discussion taking place right in front of him, especially when the talk isn't 100% of a positive and glowy nature.
You might have noticed one thing about these rivalries in comparison to Michaels VS Hart.. a serious lack of legit heat between people. With Michaels and Hart, you knew there was legit tension, bordering on hatred, between them. We don't have that between the participants in all of those tag team TLC matches (other than the Edge/Matt/Lita love triangle, which wouldn't be anywhere near enough to warrant a DVD set of its own). We don't have that between The Undertaker and Mankind (or Taker and KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE). We don't have that between John Cena and Triple H (or Cena and Edge). It's debatable whether or not we have that between Steve Austin and Bret Hart, but by most accounts, their hatred was mainly kayfabe. The additions to the "Greatest Rivalries" series that would feature legit hatred either have stories that have already been told (Vince McMahon VS Eric Bischoff, or WWF VS WCW), or can't happen due to death and/or contractual issues (Hulk Hogan VS Randy Savage would have been one of the greatest wrestling documentaries ever made, for example).
Your turn, ReaderLand. What "Greatest Rivalries" sets would you like to see? Try to go with ones that would legitimately happen (so nothing like Al Snow VS Hardcore Holly), as well as ones that would not only make for a riveting documentary, but could also feature enough matches and promos to fill up the bonus discs. Because I did it, you can use non-WWE contracted talent, if need be, so people like Kurt Angle, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy and Ric Flair are fair game, so knock yourselves out.
The HiPE Playlist: "Ambulance" by CarlisleVon.. "Rush Hour" by L.E.P. Bogus Boys & Meek Mill.. "Tony Montana" by Pusha T.. "I'm A Boss" by Pusha T.. "Niggas In Dade" by Trick Daddy.. "I'm Home" by Tyrese & Jay Rock.. "BAP" by Bumpy Knuckles.. "Swim Good" by Frank Ocean.. "Ready" by Frank Ocean.. "Acura Integurl" by Frank Ocean.. "Thinking About You" by Frank Ocean.. "If I'm In Love" by Frank Ocean.. "Can't Be The Last Time" by Frank Ocean.. "Hardest Thing" by Frank Ocean.. "No Love" by Frank Ocean
I don't have pet peeves. I have major, psychotic fucking hatreds!
-------------------------Day 6698:55pm: My DVR is acting screwy. Again. Therefore, tonight's episode of Raw will be downloaded and watched in that manner. Darth Vader is joining me once again, so you know what that means.. when I post the link, click it and press the button. Here's the link..
NOOOOOO!!!
9:00pm: It's Halloween, and of course, that means the oh-so-spooky Muppets are the guest hosts of Raw. Makes sense to me. I'm actually excited to see how this all plays out.
9:01pm: The Rock is bringing it via satellite again. The Atlanta crowd sucks so much ass that they didn't even react to Rock's music being played. Press the button once for each of those atrocities..
NOOOOOO!!!
NOOOOOO!!!
9:02pm: Rock's answer to John Cena is "hell no". He doesn't want to team with Cena at Survivor Series.
9:04pm: Hey, Rock, if it was really about what the people want, why would you keep appearing in pre-taped promos?
9:04pm: Rock changes his mind about teaming with Cena, and says that the people want him to team up, so he will. I guess that makes the match official.. John Cena & The Rock VS The Miz & R-Truth at Survivor Series.
9:06pm: It's fitting that Rock's goatee is filled with gray hairs now. It's a sign of how old he and his act are already. Having him return for nostalgia purposes was fine. It was great to hear his old catchphrases and all that for one week, but having to hear them over and over and over again.. it's really making him look bad.
9:08pm: After a boring Rock promo that barely got any type of crowd response at all, CM Punk is on the way to the ring for this week's first match. His opponent? The World Champion, Mark Henry. If Punk wins, he gets his wish and will face the WWE Champion, Alberto Del Rrrrrio, at Survivor Series. This should be an interesting match.
9:10pm: John Laurinaitis has graced us with his presence and is cutting a promo before the match. You know the rule, folks.. press the button whenever Laurinaitis cuts a promo..
NOOOOOO!!!
9:13pm: ADR and Ricardo Rodriguez are at ringside, and ADR sends Ricardo in the ring to attack Mark Henry. It leads to a victory for Henry by disqualification. That's some decent heel strategy by ADR, who clearly doesn't want to face Punk. Punk chases ADR off, but Ricardo isn't quick enough to escape. Punk tosses Ricardo into the ring, to a waiting Mark Henry. Henry lays Ricardo out with a World's Strongest Slam that the cameras missed completely. Way to go, guys. All this happening so early in the show, and then having such a sudden ending, means we'll probably be getting more of this storyline later in the show at some point.
9:17pm: It's Kermit The Frog and Miss Piggy!
9:17pm: Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger are out to interrupt Kermit and Piggy.
9:18pm: lol @ Kermit thinking that Vickie was Swagger's mother, and then lol @ Vickie and Miss Piggy having a back-and-forth "Excuse Me" battle.
9:19pm: Santino comes out and informs us that "John Laryngitis" has booked him in a match with Swagger tonight.
9:20pm: LMAO @ the Atlanta fans booing at the announcement of Zack Ryder being Dolph Ziggler's opponent for tonight. That's not a good sign at all, now is it?
9:21pm: Our next match is a Divas Battle Royal to determine the #1 Contender for the Divas Title. It is Halloween, after all, so the Divas are all dressed in their Halloween costumes. Alright, which one of them is going to eliminate themselves?
9:22pm: AJ looks so fucking hot as Mortal Kombat's Kitana. Wow.
9:24pm: This is awful. So much terrible in-ring workers in one match.
9:25pm: Eve wins. So fucking what?
9:26pm: IT'S BEAKER!!! MY FAVORITE MUPPET!!!
9:27pm: IT'S SHEAMUS!!! SHEAMUS AND BEAKER TOGETHER!!! Sheamus saves Beaker from a backstage bullying from Christian, after Christian poured out a special elixir from Dr Bunsen Honeydew that Beaker was supposed to deliver to Santino.
9:28pm: LMFAO @ Sheamus and Beaker being related. That's fucking awesome. Thank you for that, WWE. It's about time you do something right on Raw.
9:30pm: Our next match is Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne VS Cody Rhodes & Wade Bar-ruh. Alright then. It's a non-title match, and the heels get the jobber entrance. Yikes.
9:33pm: A dozen random fans chant "Cody Sucks" so terribly that it sounded like "Rocky Sucks" for most of the chant.
9:35pm: Holy shit.. Bar-ruh reversed a Hurricanrana attempt by Bourne into an attempt at Wasteland, but Bourne counters that into a DDT. That was sweet.
9:36pm: A distraction from Cody is enough for Bar-ruh to actually hit Wasteland the second time around, and the Tag Team Champions lose again.
9:36pm: Christian comes out for a three-on-two attack, but that is quickly thwarted because IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTER HEAD!!! TOO MANY LIMES!!! I'M RETIRING THIS GIMMICK BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY I CAN TOP MY RANT FROM THIS PAST WEEK'S EPISODE OF SMACKDOWN!!! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!! I guess this means we'll be getting a six-man tag on Smackdown, or possibly even on Raw next week.. Sheamus, Kofi & Bourne VS Christian, Cody & Bar-ruh. That's perfectly fine with me.
9:39pm: Our next match is Big Show VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio. Non-title, of course. I'm a little worried, though. With this awful Atlanta crowd, and these two workers that aren't exactly the flashiest and most exciting guys on the planet, this could get ugly.
9:45pm: Hey, Berto, you've really got to do a better job of hiding the fact that you're hitting your own hand when you go to "headbutt" Big Show. You weren't even remotely close to making it look like a legit headbutt. This isn't Lucha Libre anymore, buddy.
9:48pm: Cole, you worthless cunt, Atlanta was not the site of last year's WrestleMania. It was the site of this year's WrestleMania. You are a fucking idiot. Just an absolute waste of oxygen.
9:50pm: This match is already going longer than I expected it to. Of all the matches they decided to give plenty of time to, I don't think many were expecting it to be Big Show VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio. Interesting.
9:51pm: lol @ the camera catching someone in the crowd yawning. Pretty much expected that.
9:53pm: Wait.. what? Show lands his KO punch and wins the match just like that? Did they strip ADR of the WWE Title before the match and just not tell anyone?
9:54pm: CM Punk is on his way to the ring again. Laurinaitis told him that he could have the WWE Title match at Survivor Series if ADR was nice enough to grant him the shot, so I guess this is where Punk will make the official request.
9:57pm: Punk locks ADR in the Anaconda Vice until ADR grants him his request. That's certainly one way to make things happen, I suppose. ADR looks like a lame duck champion right now, though.
10:00pm: A look at the various people wearing Halloween costumes in the crowd, and Jerry Lawler says "ahh, scary" at a shot of someone dressed as Hulk Hogan. Get it? Because Hogan works for TNA?!? WWE, Y U SO CLEVER?!?
10:01pm: Animal (the Muppet, not the Road Warrior) is the special guest time keeper for our next match.. Santino VS Jack Swagger.
10:04pm: A "We Want Ryder" chant from the crowd. Make up your fucking mind, Atlanta.
10:05pm: Cole the fucking tard decides to talk about Jim Ross instead of call the action, but I'll focus on Beaker showing up at ringside and handing Santino some more of the elixir he was supposed to deliver earlier, and sure enough, it leads to a victory for Santino. Poor Swagger.
10:06pm: Next up, it's time for Zack Ryder, coming out to hardly any reaction at all from the crowd, further showing how confused the people of Atlanta are. They have no idea what's going on, do they? They're probably waiting for Goldberg and the nWo to come out or something.
10:12pm: For the first time all match, the crowd actually makes some noise, and it's for the referee calling off a Ryder victory because Ziggler was in the ropes.
10:13pm: ..it doesn't matter, either way, because Ryder gets the win just seconds later. He pins Ziggler for what seems like the 20th time, but still doesn't have the United States Title, so do any of those wins really count?
10:15pm: By Triple H's orders, John Laurinaitis has re-signed Kevin Nash. Joy. Nash will be on Raw next week. Joy.
10:15pm: Michael Cole promo time. Joy.
10:16pm: Wait.. wait, wait, wait one fucking minute.. after all of the talk last week, and all of the fucking time they wasted having these piece of shit Cole talk about it this week, we're not having the Michael Cole Challenge at all this week, and now we have to wait yet another week to deal with this bullshit?!? Way to go, WWE. What is this.. WCW? Promote one fucking thing all week, and then don't deliver on it at all. Just for that type of blatant stupidity and Andy Reid-like clock management.. press the button..
NOOOOOO!!!
10:21pm: Main event time.. John Cena VS The Miz. Atlanta just can't escape this match, apparently. As if the people of Atlanta needed to be confused about times and dates some more. Now they think it's still early-2011.
10:22pm: At least Cena gets a crowd reaction from these folks. No surprise there.
10:24pm: Loud dueling chants of "Let's Go Cena" and "Cena Sucks". It's like the crowd was purposely saving their voices and energy for Cena's appearance.
10:28pm: Cena nearly took Miz's head clean off of his fucking shoulders with a stiff lariat. My goodness.
10:30pm: Cena gets attacked at ringside by someone in the crowd dressed as the killer from the Scream movies, and security is shown standing there and watching the entire thing, giving away that it isn't an actual fan.
10:31pm: Cena wins, and then the "fan" runs in, only to get laid out by Cena and revealed as R-Truth. Cena can beat these two guys by himself. I don't see why he even needs Rock's help at all.
#ThankYouBeaker: Sheamus & Beaker interacting, which is going to go down as one of my all-time favorite backstage segments.. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne VS Cody Rhodes & Wade Bar-ruh was fun while it lasted.. The reversal-fest that I mentioned with Bar-ruh and Bourne.. Big Show VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio being a surprisingly lengthy match, and also being better than I expected.. Zack Ryder VS Dolph Ziggler.. An actual focus on in-ring action (there must have been in the vicinity of 50 minutes of it this week, but I'm sure Stan will give us the exact number soon)
#FuckYouCamillaTheChicken: The Rock's promo.. Michael Cole
Grade: B-/C+. I'm as shocked as anyone in the world, folks, trust me.
The HiPE Playlist: Raw.
I'm Statler.
I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private Screening Room D.
Private screening?
Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public!
-------------------------Day 670As most of you know by now, Evan Bourne was suspended today for a violation of WWE's Wellness Policy. It's his first offense, so it's a 30-day ban. We haven't heard official word yet, but my "sources" (aka someone I talk to on Twitter that actually have "sources") indicate that the suspension is for the synthetic marijuana known as "Spice". It's not what we expected when the news first broke, that's for sure. Some assumed steroids of some sort, based on how much muscle definition Bourne has on his smallish body frame. Some assumed pain pills of some sort, based on the amount of punishment Bourne takes in his matches and just how far he's willing to go to sell moves. Word is that the suspensions of Heath Slater and Darren Young are also linked to "Spice", and also, we could be seeing more suspensions by the end of the year because of it.
Look, any person getting busted for any violation of the Wellness Policy isn't exactly the most intelligent person on the planet, but these Harvard graduates getting caught with "Spice" are a special breed of stupid. Let's look at this a little deeper, shall we?
It's a synthetic marijuana. It isn't the real thing. It contains similar chemical compounds to regular marijuana, and provides similar effects to the real thing. Now, I don't smoke anything at all, so maybe I'm not the right person to be saying this, but why not just smoke the real thing for better effects? I know what some of you are thinking.. they don't smoke the real thing, because that would also be a Wellness Policy violation, so what difference does it make? That's a good way of thinking. It's actually the exact same thing I was thinking.. until I read the actual Wellness Policy and paid closer attention. Get this..
Marijuana isn't a suspendable offense under the Wellness Policy.
Read that again.
Marijuana.. weed, the sticky icky icky, bud, ganja, that fire, hay, grass, pakalolo, pot, chronic.. the real stuff, not the synthetic stuff.. isn't a suspendable offense under the WWE's Wellness Policy.
If a WWE employee is caught testing positive for marijuana, they shall be fined $2,500 dollars, which will be deducted from the downside guarantee in their contract. The fines don't even increase for multiple violations. If they get caught, it's a $2,500 fine. If they get caught again, it's another $2,500 fine. Get caught again, and it's another $2,500 fine. Sure, the more positive tests someone has, the more likely the company will give them the old heave-ho, but it isn't anything that is guaranteed to happen.
So, go ahead and see if you can follow along with this..
- Get caught smoking real marijuana, and receive a fine. Not even a fine that would require you to hand money over right then and there. A fine that is just taken out of their contract down the road. Your name will also be kept private, preventing you from the embarrassment you'd receive if it was made known you were on some sort of drugs.
- Get caught smoking fake marijuana, and get suspended for 30 days. On top of that, you also get fined the amount that is equal to 30 days pay, based on your contract. Therefore, the bigger name you are, the more your fine will be. On top of that, your suspension will be made public, and you'll have the opportunity to explain yourself to the wrestling public for the rest of time.
- Get caught smoking fake marijuana twice, and get suspended for 60 days. On top of that, you also get fined the amount that is equal to 60 days pay, based on your contract. Therefore, the bigger name you are, the more your fine will be. On top of that, your suspension will be made public again, and you'll have the opportunity to explain yourself even further to the wrestling public for the rest of time.
- Get caught smoking fake marijuana three times, and get your contract terminated. On top of that, your violation will be made public, as will your release from the company, and you'll have the opportunity to explain yourself to the wrestling public for the rest of time, but nobody will believe any excuses you come up with, no matter what.
When you look at all that, and you look at the risks that these guys are taking, what type of idiocy does it take to even think about messing with the fake stuff? A lesser high, and a bigger risk to your career? What's the point of that?
I realize that Evan Bourne doesn't sound like the smartest person on the planet when you listen to him speak. I realize that Darren Young doesn't sound like the smartest person on the planet when you listen to him speak. I realize that Heath Slater damn sure doesn't sound like the smartest person on the planet when you listen to him speak. That's fine and all, but I'll be perfectly honest.. if you're dumb enough to put yourself in a situation like this, you deserve to be fired. That goes for anyone, from people who don't even get television time like Darren Young to the top guys in the company like John Cena and Randy Orton. I mean that. If news ever comes out that Cena had a positive test for "Spice", I will be the first one to call for his time with WWE to end.
When news broke, everyone and their mother assumed it would mean that Bourne and Kofi Kingston would be dropping the WWE Tag Team Titles at tonight's Smackdown tapings. This isn't a spoiler, so don't worry.. they weren't even competing on Smackdown, so there goes that idea. If his suspension is already underway, we can't really expect him to show up on Raw next week, so now we have to think that Air Boom will continue to be the champions after Bourne's suspension is over. In the world of kayfabe, that doesn't make sense, because that would mean the champions break the rule about having to defend their titles once every 30 days. It would be pretty dumb if WWE does nothing during the entire suspension, and then upon Bourne's return, John Laurinaitis announces that Air Boom is being stripped of the titles because they haven't defended them. Of course, with that said, it's exactly what the company is going to do. Outside of kayfabe, it's not sending a solid enough message to the rest of the WWE locker room. If he was caught, he should be punished. Sure, it's unfair to Kofi, who hasn't done anything wrong, but that's not for the company to deal with. That's for Bourne to deal with. That's for Bourne to tell Kofi why he just had the best push he's had in years pulled out from underneath him overnight.
Way to go, Evan. Smooth fucking move.
The HiPE Playlist: Nothing tonight.
I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food.
-------------------------Day 671*By Request*
Back in the middle of July, I did a column titled "Random Stat-o-Rama", looking at a whole bunch of stats from the last few decades in the world of wrestling. When I said "Random", it was for a reason.. there was no real general direction in the column. It was just a bunch of stats, and my thoughts on said stats. I have received multiple requests to do another column of that nature, but it was a brief discussion on Twitter this afternoon that brought the column on today.
The discussion?
In his entire career with the WWF/WWE, The Undertaker has only lost by submission one time in 20 years, and that was at 2009's Breaking Point pay-per-view in a match against CM Punk. If you remember the match, you remember that it ended under all sorts of shenaniganery, and that Taker never actually submitted. Imagine going 20 years in wrestling without actually submitting to any person at any time.
That, of course, led to John Cena and his history with submission losses. In his WWE career, Cena has lost five matches by submission, but none of them have happened since February 2004, when he tapped out to a Kurt Angle Ankle Lock at the No Way Out pay-per-view. That, of course, was before Cena was a main event name in the company.
It led me to think about two other names and their submission history..
- Hulk Hogan has 11 submission losses. He just tapped out to Sting at Bound For Glory a few weeks ago, but before that, his last submission defeat was at 2002's King Of The Ring pay-per-view, where he lost to Kurt Angle. Because it goes along with comments I've made about Hogan's history with Sting, five of Hogan's submission losses came against Sting.
- Randy Orton has 14 submission losses. His last submission loss was at 2009's Bragging Rights pay-per-view, where he lost to John Cena. In that match, not only was the final fall a tap out by Orton, but the first fall was the exact same thing. It still only counts as one loss, but it's still worth mentioning. It's also worth noting that both Super Cena and Super Orton have never lost by submission. Orton wasn't quite at Super Orton status at Bragging Rights.
----------
I started thinking about match lengths after looking at the Bragging Rights match between Orton and Cena, which was of the 60-minute Ironman variety. I wanted to know about the longest matches that various wrestlers have performed in, but of course, numbers can be skewed a bit because of those Ironman matches, as well as Royal Rumbles and various Battle Royals through the years. So, instead of longest match, period, I decided to look at the longest plain singles matches, just for fun. Here are some numbers..
Randy Orton - 28:07 (VS Chris Benoit, 2006, Smackdown)
John Cena - 55:49 (VS Shawn Michaels, 2007, Raw)
Triple H - 29:12 (VS Shawn Michaels, 2003, Raw)
Kevin Nash - 27:18 (VS Bret Hart, 1995, Royal Rumble)
Hulk Hogan - 22:51 (VS The Ultimate Warrior, 1990, WrestleMania 6)
Sting - 45:00 (VS Ric Flair, 1988, Clash Of The Champions)
Steve Austin - 28:36 (VS Bret Hart, 1996, Survivor Series)
The Rock - 23:44 (VS Chris Jericho, 2001, No Mercy)
The Undertaker - 30:41 (VS Shawn Michaels, 2009, WrestleMania 25)
Big Show - 17:30 (VS Rob Van Dam, 2006, ECW)
Batista - 21:34 (VS Triple H, 2005, WrestleMania 21)
Kurt Angle - 30:00 (VS Jeff Hardy, 2010, No Surrender)
Edge - 26:36 (VS Randy Orton, 2004, Vengeance)
Chris Benoit - 32:00 (VS Bret Hart, 1999, Nitro)
Randy Savage - 28:00 (VS The Ultimate Warrior, 1992, SummerSlam)
Rey Mysterio - 26:00 (VS Eddie Guerrero, 2005, Smackdown)
The Great Khali - 12:35 (VS John Cena, 2007, Judgment Day)
Eddie Guerrero - 30:07 (VS Brock Lesnar, 2004, No Way Out)
Vader - 28:59 (VS Shawn Michaels, 1996, SummerSlam)
Mick Foley - 26:25 (VS Shawn Michaels, 1996, In Your House: Mind Games)
I kinda chuckled to myself the entire time I was typing out the Khali entry. 12:35 for a Khali match. Wow. It doesn't seem like he's wrestled for 12:35 combined in all of his televised matches in 2011. That's crazy.
What really stands out from that list is that an entire fourth have had their longest match against Shawn Michaels. There are two on that list from 1996, one from 2003, one from 2007 and one from 2009. That's a testament to the type of worker that Michaels was, and how much faith the company had in him to go out there with his opponents and perform in matches that were much longer than usual.
----------
Continuing my journey into the wonderful world of statistics, I looked and saw that John Cena has competed in 99 matches on pay-per-view in his career. He has a total of 73 pay-per-view main events, as well. That's quite the ratio. Damn near three-quarters of the time Cena has appeared on pay-per-view, he was featured in the main event. Some other pay-per-view numbers..
Hulk Hogan - 85 matches (64 main events)
Steve Austin - 94 matches (50 main events)
The Rock - 73 matches (40 main events)
Randy Orton - 90 matches (58 main events)
The Undertaker - 160 matches (86 main events)
What first jumps out at me is that the site updated itself. When I did the first column, Taker was listed as having 157 matches on pay-per-view. Now, perhaps I haven't been paying close enough attention, but I don't think he's had three pay-per-view matches in the last three months.
Otherwise, Hulk Hogan main eventing pay-per-views at a 75.3% clip (just ahead of Cena's 73.7%) really stands out. Of course, Cena is still in the prime of his career, and has several more years at the top of things in the WWE landscape, so he should pass Hogan's percentage sooner than later. In fact, he'll pass Hogan's mark at Backlash in April if he participates in every pay-per-view main event from Survivor Series until Backlash, which is a very distinct possibility. By the time Cena's career is over, he could very well put the number out of reach (not counting those who have main evented the only pay-per-view they wrestled in). Some of you are frightened now, I'm sure.
----------
Hey, speaking of career longevity, did you know that Puroresu legend Tatsumi Fujinami wrestled in 34 different years? We're not talking about having a career that has lasted for 34 years, because his career has been going for 39 years now (he's still wrestling, less than two months away from turning 58), but he didn't have a single match between 1972 and 1978, and he also didn't have a match in 2004. Subtract those five years, and booyakasha, you have him wrestling in 34 years. That's a pretty impressive number.
As sad as this is to say, both Ric Flair and Terry Funk could very well beat Fujinami's mark. They have matches in 32 different years, and with both of them still wrestling, it wouldn't take a whole lot of work. Remember, they don't have to be active for an entire year. They just need to wrestle one match during an entire calendar year. We've already seen rumors that Flair could be getting back into the ring in TNA in the next few months, so that would be 33 years for him. He'll be 63 in February, but come on, we all know he'll be wrestling until he dies, so let's just mark him down for at least 35 different years. Terry Funk is an even more interesting case, because he'll be turning 68 in 2012, but he's the poster boy for not knowing when to walk away from the business, and with him performing on the indy circuit, where there are always "legends" tribute shows, he'll probably have work for as long as he wants it, as well.
----------
The PWI 500. It's a legendary list in the annals of wrestling history. There was a time that people lived and died by the rankings. It isn't as special these days, but it's still something I look forward to seeing every year.
Kurt Angle is the best-rated worker of all-time, if you're looking at the PWI 500. Through his career, his average ranking on the list is 9.33, which is pretty crazy. If you look at other names and their average rankings, it tells you how great Angle's ranking really is..
Ricky Steamboat: 10.5
Steve Austin: 14.09
Chris Jericho: 15.77
Shawn Michaels: 16.13
The Undertaker: 17.28
Bret Hart: 18.22
Randy Savage: 22.11
Arn Anderson: 22.33
Owen Hart: 23.86
Ric Flair: 29.47
Eddie Guerrero: 30.91
Chris Benoit: 31.20
John Cena: 33.36
Triple H: 34.24
Randy Orton: 36.73
Kenta Kobashi: 36.86
Brian Pillman: 41.80
Rey Mysterio: 43.06
Edge: 43.93
The Rock: 44.43
9.33
Wow.
Honestly, I don't think there's a chance that gets beaten. Ever. With the combination of success, in-ring work, etc that goes into the list, as well as their strong opinions on both Lucha Libre and Puroresu, it's just really difficult to remain in the top ten year in and year out. On top of that, you'd need to be incredibly successful from the start of your career. You can't spend time on the indy circuit, or in FCW, as that will affect your overall ranking. Angle, of course, didn't have to deal with indy wrestling and all of that. He went right into the WWF and has been on television and pay-per-view ever since with quality year after quality year. The odds of something like that happening again just aren't very good.
----------
In case you missed it last time, here's the site I've been using to get all of my statistics..
Internet Wrestling Database
If you're a wrestling nerd, you could easily find yourself spending hours on that site, just adding to your nerdery. I know I have.
The HiPE Playlist: "Hard White (Remix)" by Yelawolf, Slaughterhouse & T.I. (on repeat)
You wanna know my motto? Fuck Lotto! I'll get the seven digits from your mother for a dollar tomorrow.
Believe The HIPE - Year 2, Week 42 (10/15 - 10/21)
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1. Day 653 - Dear Gail Kim
2. Day 654 - You can't see it, but I'm shaking my head right now
2.5 Day 655 - Raw Running Diary
4. Day 656 - T-N-Awful? T-N-Awesome? (Contains Major Spoiler)
5. Day 657 - WrestleMania 28 Predictions
Beast mode, De. Beast mode.Day 653
Dear Gail Kim,
Hello. I think I need to take this time to contact you, based on recent happenings involving you and your wrestling career. It's just you and I here.. nobody else will know.. so I think we can carry an honest conversation here. Let me start off with some honesty..
You're not kidding anyone with your comments about World Wrestling Entertainment. As a great philosopher once said.. "We don't believe you, you need more people". You have to think about it from our point of view, Gail.. everyone on the planet knows that WWE has their backstage and management issues, but those are the same issues that they've had for years and years. Long before you even thought about becoming a wrestler. These are things that nobody will deny, whether they're fans, current wrestlers, former wrestlers, or just random people that worked backstage for the company at one point or another. This isn't even speculation anymore. They're facts, and you know it. With that said.. let me remind you of something..
You just got released from your WWE contract, but guess what? That wasn't your first time with the company. You spent two years, from October 2002 to November 2004, with the company before going off to TNA and spending time there. Now, with your second run, you've spent a total of just over five years with the company. Think about that very carefully. You're an Asian, so we all know that your brain is full of wrinkles. I'm going to pretend that you were a fan of wrestling before you first signed with WWE. Going on that, it would mean that you should know how the company operates. So, let's go over all of this real quick..
- You knew about WWE's "issues" before signing with them, and signed with them, anyway.
- You spent two years with the company, dealing with their "issues" and seeing it up close and personal.
- After spending three years away from the company and their "issues", you signed with them again.
- You spent two more years with the company, dealing with their "issues" and seeing it up close and personal.
I must ask you this, Gail.. why would you go to WWE, leave WWE, go to TNA and talk shit about WWE, go back to WWE, leave WWE, and then talk shit about WWE again? That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't even begin to make any sense. It doesn't even begin to begin to make sense. You sound like the typical scorned woman that doesn't get her way. Every guy I know has experienced those types of women, even if it's something they've seen from a far. You'll see a woman who is dating a guy, and she has nothing but great things to say about him. As soon as that guy does something bad, what do you hear from the woman? Nothing but bad things.. the guy is an asshole, he's broke, he has a small dick.. it's all slander. Then, the couple will make up, and it's right back to the woman having nothing but positive things to say about the guy. That's what you're doing right now. You told the world that WWE had a huge dick and gave you the best sex you've ever had, only to tell the world that WWE had a small dick and couldn't satisfy you.. only to tell the world that WWE had a huge dick and gave you the best sex you've ever had.. only to tell the world that WWE had a small dick and couldn't satisfy you. People see that and think that, at best, you're full of shit, and at worst, out of your mind. Why would you want the world to think that about you? Why would you go out of your way to make sure that the world of wrestling doesn't respect you or your opinion? That just doesn't make sense to me.
Now you're telling the world that you want to go back to TNA and end your career there. Clearly you haven't been watching the TNA product since you left the company. They don't spend anywhere near the same amount of time and focus on the Knockouts division as they did when you were there. The quality of the Knockouts roster isn't anywhere near what it was when you were there. If you go back there, you won't get the type of television time and attention that you're used to with TNA. I give it a month, at most, before you're doing an interview somewhere, talking about how "misused" you are. About that..
How "misused" can you be when it keeps happening to you? When multiple companies treat you a certain way, and it happens to you multiple times, it's more you than anything else. You aren't as good as you think you are, and you never have been. You have zero connection with live audiences. It really doesn't matter how many moves you know, or how many flips you can do in the ring. We've seen it time and time again with male wrestlers.. you can be a top notch amateur performer that can work various styles in the pro game, but if you can't cut a promo or if you can't find a way to make connections with live crowds all over the world, you're pretty much worthless in the world of mainstream pro wrestling. You can be a star on the independent scene with that, and it's pretty clear with people like Davey Richards, but when your promotion is on television and you have to get much more than just your in-ring work over, it's going to fail miserably. Charlie Haas is always the example I give for that. He was a fantastic in-ring technician, but couldn't connect with crowds to save his life. WWE tried to help him get over, and it didn't work. As soon as that became clear, he was kicked to the curb. Sure enough, now he's a member of the Ring Of Honor roster and is working at the top of the card and getting rave reviews for his work. I know you mentioned RoH in your interview, and I think that would be a great idea for you. As a relatively big name, the RoH fans would show you plenty of respect if you showed up, and you'd get more of a chance to showcase the worker that you think you are. Working with RoH could easily lead to working with SHIMMER, which would be like a dream come true for most female workers across the globe. I'm just saying, back to my original point.. if you're "misused" once, that's one thing, but if it keeps happening to you repeatedly, it's more of a "you" thing than the fault of anyone else.
I know I've talked to you before, but all of this was worth repeating. It is, however, the last time I'll be mentioning any of these things. I'm growing more and more tired of your act. While you aren't quite to the level of Matt Hardy, you still annoy the ever-loving hell out of me, and I must put my foot down at this point.. unless you do something like die, I probably won't mention you in my columns anymore, and even if you did die, I doubt I'd devote an entire column to it. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors, but in those endeavors, it might behoove you not to act like the typical crazy whore who is after that money, money, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying. Don't let that be your lasting legacy.
Sincerely,Archduke Herschel Von Trapp Hustlington, IV Esq.
The HiPE Playlist: Nothing tonight.
Atta boy, Mac! Down with tyranny! Up with.. nontyranny!
Hustle
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-Team Sleep--------------------------Day 654
KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
I'm dreaming right now, aren't I?
I have to be dreaming. There's no way that the pay-per-view I just watched turned out the way it did.
TNA's Bound For Glory.. the company's biggest event.. the company's version of WrestleMania.. is now over, and well, it might be over for TNA, too. I'm not going to get into a match-by-match review of the show, because Joe Pesci knows that most of you don't care about who the Knockouts Champion is or what's going on with the Tag Team Titles. It's all about the big matches on the show.. Kurt Angle defending the TNA World Title against Bobby Roode, as well as Sting and Hulk Hogan having a "fight" for control over the company. That's all anyone is talking about, and that's all anyone wants to hear about, so that's all I'm going to discuss. Let's start with the "fight", because.. well.. just because.
For one, I was legitimately surprised that Sting/Hogan didn't get the final spot on the card. Looking back on everything that ended up happening, I'm even more surprised that it didn't get the final spot. The match itself was just about everything you'd expect. It was overbooked, featured a lot of "brawling", ended with both Sting and Hogan busted open and bleeding, and Sting won the match. To keep up with the point I've been making about him, that means Sting is now a mind-boggling 9-0-4 against Hulk Hogan in one-on-one matches throughout their careers. That's still insane to me, and I just.. oh, that's right.. the big story isn't that Sting won, or that Hogan lost. After the match, Immortal hit the ring for an attack on Sting. They were really working him over, and that's when we got what we were expecting to happen, based on various comments that Hulk has been making during mainstream interviews in the last few months.. we got the return of Hulkamania, as Hogan came to Sting's rescue. Hogan and Sting cleared house, they shook hands, and did poses in the ring, all while Dixie Carter was in tears at ringside. This really doesn't seem like the end of Hogan's on-screen career with TNA, and now, it doesn't even look like it will be the end of Hogan's in-ring career with TNA, which might be the saddest thing coming out of tonight's event. The match, while still being nothing I'd ever want to see again, was still better than most people expected it to be. At this point, who really cares about the match quality, though? It's all about the face turn for Hulk Hogan, and now where things go from here. This keeps Hulk (and Sting) squarely in the middle of things, and they'll continue getting a large chunk of television time. They'll continue to get a larger chunk of television time than most (perhaps even all) of the talent in the company, which isn't going to help anything. When your company's ratings are falling into the toilet, continuing to give viewers the exact same thing, month in and month out, isn't going to solve the situation. TNA should realize that. WWE should realize that. It just doesn't make sense. We'll get back to this, though. For now, let's move on to the main event.
TNA, I have a question to ask you. Just one question, right off the top of my head..
WHAT KIND OF RETARDED, DROOLING-ALL-OVER-YOURSELVES MONSTERS DO YOU HAVE BOOKING THE COMPANY?!?!?
You fucking fucks spent several months in building Bobby Roode up as the next main event star for the company. You put a lot of time and effort into taking him from being one-half of a tag team to being a singles star competing for the World Title. In one of the easiest money-making decisions a company could make.. one that is almost impossible to fuck up.. you give that guy the World Title (especially if it's at your largest show), and you move forward as a company behind the momentum that he has. Well well well.. even though it was almost impossible to fuck up, YOU FUCKED IT UP!!!!!
*ahem*
Not only did Kurt Angle retain the World Title, but the match wasn't even that long. It didn't even clock in at 15 minutes. That would be fine for an upper-midcard match, but the World Title match that has been built up for what seems like the entire 2011 calendar year? That's sad. If Kurt absolutely had to win, they could have at least had Roode take him to the absolute limit. Make it one of those 30-minute matches with Roode kicking out of and/or breaking free from every single thing Angle could send his way, to build the story of just how bad Roode wants the World Title. Have Roode come oh-so-close on multiple occasions, but have him fall just short. He'd lose, but even as a heel, Kurt would be able to cut a promo saying that Roode earned his respect and it helps to put Roode over, even in a loss. Now, even though there's some controversy (Roode's arm was under the bottom rope when the ref counted the fall), it was still a match in which Angle disposed of his top challenger in under 15 minutes. This was the shortest singles match on pay-per-view that Kurt Angle has competed in since July of last year, when he defeated D'Angelo Dinero in just over 12 minutes at Victory Road. Of course, this doesn't bury Bobby Roode. Knowing TNA's ass-backwards logic, look for Roode to defeat Angle for the World Title at this week's set of Impact tapings, since TNA has been about using pay-per-views to build towards television for a while now. It's still sad to see all of the months worth of promotion and build for Bobby Roode come to a fizzling end at the biggest pay-per-view of the year.
Right now, what we have is the absolute best possible scenario for Hulk Hogan, and something that, looking back on it, he's been telling us about for weeks now. Look at all of the promotional interviews he's been doing for tonight's event and what he's been saying. He said that Bobby Roode isn't ready to be the guy yet.. and Roode didn't win the World Title. He said that Hulkamania would be returning sooner than people think.. and Hulkamania returned tonight. The first thing I take from that is simple.. Hulk Hogan is a fucking idiot for basically ruining the results of the show. It's perfectly fine for him to go out and promote the event, whether he does it in character or not. That's great. TNA can use all the publicity it can get, especially if it's in the mainstream. However, when your most well-known name is doing interviews all over creation and damn near giving out spoilers, it hurts the hell out of the company. Why would anyone spend their money to order the show? It's not like TNA pay-per-views are setting all kinds of buyrate records to begin with. It's yet another move in TNA's history that is counterproductive to the point of near insanity. Back to the original point, though.. this is like a fantasy scenario for Hulk Hogan. In a single night, TNA not only kept their World Title on someone in his 40s, not putting over a new name in the process, but now the spotlight is right back on the Red & Yellow. I've seen more people discussing the Angle/Roode situation than the Hogan situation coming out of Bound For Glory, but let's be real.. that isn't going to stop TNA from pushing Hogan some more. He's bound to be involved in several segments on the upcoming episode of Impact..
- Dixie Carter will probably cut a promo now that she's back in charge of the company, and she'll probably bring Sting & Hogan out for it
- If not that, we'll get a promo from either Sting or Hogan, and he'll be involved there
- Eric Bischoff will probably cut a promo about Hogan turning his back on Immortal and how they now want revenge on him
- Expect them to rehash the recent Jeff Hardy segments, with Hogan backstage apologizing to random face workers for his recent actions
That's just the upcoming episode of the show. It will probably continue on in the other episodes that get taped this week, and that isn't what the company needs right now. I don't know how many more times I can say this about TNA, but they need to start building around their newer and/or younger talent. The people they've been pushing aren't working out whatsoever, and the numbers clearly don't lie about that. I just don't understand how a promotion can be so stubborn and so hard-headed that they'll continue shooting themselves in the foot until they eventually bleed out and die. Here I am thinking that the idea is to help your company and make it better, with ratings and buyrates going up, more money coming in, etc. What was I thinking?!?
I'm not going to be one of those people that is declaring TNA will be out of business in a few months. I've even seen some people go way over-the-top and say TNA will be finished by the end of 2011. No, the situation isn't that dire for them. Not yet, anyway. Tonight was a terrible night for them, though, and is already pushing some long-time TNA fans to look elsewhere for their wrestling fix. Get your shit together, TNA, and stop giving your fan base the finger like this. You might be the last hope that any of us have to get a truly improved wrestling scene. Without you as a viable threat, it sure doesn't seem like WWE will make great strides to improve their product, either.
Somewhere, Dana White continues to smile as he wipes his ass with crisp, brand new $100 bills.
The HiPE Playlist: Bound For Glory.
I always cry at weddings. You know, cause I know what it's like to be married.
-------------------------Day 655#ThankYouJBL. This video never gets old.
9:03pm: Starting Raw off with an in-ring promo from John Laurinaitis is a terrible idea. It always is. Hell, having this fucking fuck talk, period, is a terrible idea.
9:05pm: Now this fucking fuck is stumbling over his own words? Wonderful. His promos weren't bad enough.
9:06pm: Just to further along his own personal record, Jim Ross is now back with the company for the 874th time. At this point, they're going to fire this guy on a weekly basis. Every week, he'll get fired towards the end of the show, only to be brought back the following week to be rehired.. until he gets fired again an hour later.
9:09pm: What.. the.. fuck.. we're getting John Cena & Jim Ross VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio & Michael Cole tonight. So, let me get this straight.. last week, they gave us one of the worst episodes of Raw that we've ever seen, and they figured the way to solve the problem for this week would be to make the fucking announcers wrestle again?!? You know what, WWE? I'm getting really sick of your bullshit. I've been watching your product, without any sort of stoppage, for over 25 years. Don't drive me away like this.
9:15pm: Tonight's first match is a six-man tag, with Randy Orton teaming with Sheamus and Job Morrison to face the team of the World Champion Mark Henry, the Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes and Christian. There's plenty of potential with this match, but will it be given enough time? That's the question.
9:19pm: Orton climbs to the middle turnbuckle and drops ten punches to Christian's face, and the crowd in Mexico calls out the numbers.. in English. That's not what I was expecting.
9:22pm: We go to commercial break as Orton chases Rhodes backstage. During the match. When neither of them was the legal man in the match. I guess that means we're down to Sheamus & Job Morrison VS Mark Henry & Christian. Alright then.
9:23pm: Bucky Larson, and now Jack & Jill? Adam Sandler is basically telling the world that he just doesn't give a fuck anymore and that all he wants is our money. Eat a dick, Sandler. What happened to you? You used to be a huge name. Now you're absolutely destroying your legacy by hanging around for way too fucking long, putting out some of the shittiest shit in the history of shit and trying to pass it off as good work. I'm going to refer to you as "The Excellence In Acting" now.
9:25pm: In what should be a clear sign to WWE management (should be, but won't be), this crowd was dead for just about everything involving John Laurinaitis, but has been nothing but hot ever since.
9:29pm: Morrison crawls to make the tag to Sheamus, but Christian pulls Sheamus off the apron. Instead of going back to make the tag, Sheamus chases Christian off into the crowd, leaving Job Morrison to live up to his name and take the World's Strongest Slam from Mark Henry. The heel team wins. The match was somewhat of a disappointment, in my opinion. There was more of a focus on two-thirds of the match brawling off into the crowd or to the backstage area, and not enough focus on the match itself. At least the crowd was hot. You know me.. always looking for the positives.
9:35pm: A new Brodus Clay video package, including words from the man himself. I love it. They're making him look like the monster that he is. Should be fun to see what he does upon his return to television.
9:36pm: lol @ the Bellas getting a huge pop when they appeared on-screen during a backstage segment with that worthless piece of shit John Laurinaitis, who got zero reaction.. again.
9:36pm: lolololol @ Ricardo Rodriguez not wanting to interrupt Laurinaitis' phone call, but still wanting to do his job, so he introduced Alberto Del Rrrrrio backstage by whispering his name multiple times.
9:39pm: You know what this show needed? Eve VS Natalya. ZOMG~! DAS WUT WE GETTENG RYTE NOWWWWW~!!! Break this heifer in half, Nattie. I know it won't happen because Eve has a Divas Title shot at Vengeance, but I'm still hoping for it.
9:42pm: Eve wins. Damn. Well, at least the match was short, and it continues the streak of the crowd being relatively hot for every single thing/person so far.. except for John Laurinaitis. Take the fucking hint, WWE.
9:49pm: So, The Miz is now doing his intro to R-Truth's song in Spanish? Word? It's like that now?
9:50pm: I'm telling you.. it's next to impossible to take Miz and Truth seriously with that stupid ring entrance. That's actually hurting their characters a lot more than it is helping them.
9:51pm: The Mexico City crowd chants numbers in English, but chants "asshole" in Spanish? lol @ "Culero" chants.
9:52pm: Triple H is out here to provide some backup for CM Punk, who was outnumbered in the ring by Miz and Truth. Michael Cole actually went ahead and mentioned that Trips is still the COO of the company, which pretty much kicks every fan in the testicles (or, the clitoris, depending on how your body is made up). I've said it on multiple occasions, but it's worth repeating.. they really do think their fans are stupid and won't catch on to things like that. They're outwardly insulting all of us.
9:54pm: MAKE IT STOP!!! KILL IT!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!
9:55pm: The match we're getting is CM Punk VS The Miz. Of course, both Triple H and R-Truth are at ringside.
10:00pm: Jerry Lawler, in describing how "mean" The Miz is, quotes a Taylor Swift song, followed by a remark from Cole that the reference makes sense because Taylor Swift is in Lawler's "age bracket". Ba-zing.
10:04pm: No, this punk bitch Laurinaitis didn't just come out here and STOP ANOTHER FUCKING MATCH.. no.. he.. fucking.. didn't.. just do that again. The company really doesn't give a shit if any of us watch Raw anymore, do they? This time, he stops the match to tell Triple H that he has "immigration issues". He isn't wrestling. Why does that mean the match has to be stopped?
10:10pm: We're back from commercial break and THE MATCH IS BACK ON!!! WHO THE FUCK IS WRITING THIS BULLSHIT?!? THIS IS ONE OF THE DUMBEST FUCKING STORYLINES IN WRESTLING HISTORY, AND THESE FUCKING TALENTLESS RETARDS ON THE RAW CREATIVE TEAM ARE ONLY MAKING THINGS WORSE WITH EACH PASSING WEEK!!!
10:12pm: Punk wins the match like a minute later, but now, with Triple H out of the building, Punk gets attacked by Miz and Truth.
10:13pm: lol @ the crowd popping because someone was running out from the back, but then they realized it was just referees, and the pop died out immediately. By the way, the streak is still going.. this crowd has been hot for everything and everyone, except for John Laurinaitis. They've had multiple opportunities to give heat for Laurinaitis, too, and it hasn't worked. The only way he'd get a crowd reaction is if someone put a shotgun barrel into his mouth and pulled the trigger, on live television. That would get a nice crowd reaction, without a doubt.
10:21pm: Did Jerry Lawler just refer to Vickie Guerrero as a "Mexi-Ho"? Something tells me that isn't TV-PG.
10:23pm: Every single match booked for Vengeance has been announced matter-of-factly. It's pretty clear the event isn't of importance to the company. Expect the buyrate to be horrible.
10:24pm: Jack Swagger going for the cheap heat, singing The Star Spangled Banner (and doing a terrible job) in Mexico.
10:25pm: Zack Ryder is out to interrupt Swagger's singing.
10:26pm: ..Ryder pins Swagger in 30 seconds. Actually, I'm not even 100% sure if the match even went that long. It might have been just under 30 seconds. Swagger is a former World Champion, by the way.
10:28pm: Mason Ryan waddles his way to the ring to prevent a two-on-one attack on Ryder, and then he informs Ziggler that they have a match next, which takes us to a commercial break. Even Mason Ryan got some crowd heat. You suck, Laurinaitis. I want you dead.
10:34pm: Ryan gets himself disqualified for not breaking the referee's count as he was attacking Ziggler in the corner. Yet another pointless match featuring this combination of people on Raw's midcard. It's painful to watch.
10:37pm: More promo work from Michael Cole. Exactly what we needed. Fuck this show.
10:45pm: I really wish they'd find a way to prevent those parts of the show that end up in a commercial break sammich, with absolutely nothing as a sammich filling. This time it was a run down of the Vengeance card, followed by some of ADR's ring entrance. Not even all of the entrance. Just some of it.
10:54pm: Remember back when Randy Orton did that weird dance before hitting Mark Henry with an RKO on an episode of Smackdown, and then he did that weird dance afterwards? Then, on the following episode of Raw, John Cena did a super-high jump in the air to celebrate winning his tag match? I think that was some sort of competition those two were having that week, to see who could have the strangest out-of-character celebration. I'm reminded of that tonight, because both Orton and Cena performed a really high-jumping leapfrog during their match tonight, and it's out-of-character for both men to do it, let alone both in the same night.
11:00pm: The crowd is really fired up for this. It's Cena, of course, but for once, a crowd is really hot for ADR, as well. Combine the two, and you have a crowd that is really into things.
11:04pm: Cena hits Cole with an Attitude Adjustment after ADR tagged Cole in and bailed, and JR makes Cole tap to an Ankle Lock. It still isn't enough to make me care, though.
11:05pm: ADR tries to attack Cena on the outside, but Cena reverses it and hits an Attitude Adjustment, then grabs a mic and begins counting to ten. Pretty clear what type of match he's going to choose for the WWE Title match at Vengeance.
11:07pm: A shot with the ring steps, and ADR is down for the ten count. Cena gets in the ring, and sure enough, he announces that his match with ADR at Vengeance will be Last Man Standing, one of his specialties.
#ThankYouMillaJovovich: Brodus Clay video package/mini-interview.. The crowd was hot
#FuckYouGilaMonsters: John Laurinaitis.. Booking announcers in yet another match, continuing the same storyline that should have ended over six months ago.. The entire storyline with Triple H as COO being one of the single dumbest things I've seen in all my years of watching wrestling.. No focus on the in-ring action again.. Not a single fuck was given about Vengeance, which means the WWE Universe will respond in kind
Grade: F. Again. This is getting ridiculous. If I could give an F+, I would, because this episode, while still being asstastic, was still slightly better than last week's episode. Hooray improvement?
The HiPE Playlist: Raw.
Bananas in the refrigerator? What are you, Puerto Rican?
-------------------------Day 656A decade later, this is still an epic promo.
Writer's Note: Today's column includes a major spoiler from this week's Impact Wrestling tapings, so consider yourselves warned if you continue reading on. Just have to get it out of the way. Alright. Here goes..
TNA has spent the last few months building up Bobby Roode as something like the "future" of the company. He went from being a tag team specialist to being pushed, and pushed strong, as a singles worker, and all of the signs pointed to him defeating Kurt Angle at Bound For Glory to become the brand new TNA World Champion. It's an easy money scenario to put a new star over. It's basically a fool-proof plan.
The people in charge of TNA are clearly next-level fools, because they were still able to find a way to screw it all up. Against just about every odd in the books, Roode was unsuccessful in becoming champion, and Kurt Angle walked out of the pay-per-view with the title.
What would happen with Roode? Would his push be thrown out the window? Would he go back to being a tag wrestler? Would he regroup and come after Angle again? I mentioned in my Bound For Glory "review" column that TNA would use their ass-backwards logic and have Angle drop the World Title at this week's Impact tapings, because the company uses their pay-per-views to build towards television, instead of the other way around, ripping off anyone who actually pays to watch the shows.
Guess what? I was right.
Kurt Angle did lose the World Title at this week's Impact tapings.
It's about time that they finally allowed Bobby Roode to become the new World Champion. They've spent months building him up, and have put a ton of effort into getting him even more over with live crowds. I guess it's better late than never, because..
Wait..
What's that?
Roode isn't the person that beat Angle on Impact?
It was James Storm that became the new World Champion?
Oh, alright then. That makes perfect sense. James Storm hasn't been on the winning end of a match in two months, and that was a tag match. The last singles match that Storm won by pinfall or submission was in December.. of 2008. Of course he's the new TNA World Champion! The best part about it is that Storm won the match in about a minute. Yes, you read that correctly. Another TNA World Title match that went about a minute long. Hooray! Actually, in something of a funny sign, I've seen two sets of spoiler reports.. one says the match was about a minute long, and the other says the match was about three minutes long. Someone needs to learn how to count, either way.
I've talked about this with a few people on Twitter, but I'm convinced of it now.. the TNA Creative Team and the Raw Creative Team are the same people. They just have to be. It all makes sense to me now. They're both completely inept and aren't interested in doing anything that makes any sort of sense at all.
Look, I'm a fan of James Storm. He's a solid worker. He's over with TNA fans. That's great and all, but look back to the stats I just gave.. the new TNA World Champion went nearly three years between legit singles victories. I don't care who it is.. you can't go from no singles victories in three years to being World Champion overnight. Even if you're one of the biggest and most established names in the business, it wouldn't work. When you're a new main eventer, it makes even less sense. Like I said, you can be established already, but if you went that long without winning a singles match and then became World Champion, people would be all over it. We see it all the time with the WWE product, where so-and-so will lose for a month, only to be moved into a main title feud, and people will complain that it doesn't make sense. Three entire years, though? Seriously?
On top of that, what does that say for Bobby Roode? Look at how much of a chump that makes him look like. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that this is probably going to lead to a Storm VS Roode feud, with either Storm becoming cocky that he won the title and turning heel because of it, or Roode becoming jealous that Storm did what he was unable to do (and turning heel because of it), but if Roode couldn't defeat Angle, and Storm could do so easily, how the hell is Roode supposed to be viewed as any sort of legit singles worker now? He looks like an asshole now, standing there while his best friend and teammate is the new World Champion. It just further destroys the push that he was given over the last few months.
On the other end of things, I am glad that someone fresh is the top guy in TNA. Storm isn't in his 40s or 50s. He isn't someone that WWE kicked to the curb. He isn't someone that received failed pushes in the past. He's brand new to this, and everything begins from this spot. Is he capable of carrying the promotion on his back and moving them forward? Who knows? He certainly doesn't have any experience in doing so, and he certainly doesn't have the most trustworthy writers behind him to help him out, so nobody can know for sure. He's just in an awkward spot right now, because he's a part of something that wrestling fans have been dying to see for TNA.. new blood getting the opportunity to shine.. but he reached that point in an mind-numbingly stupid way. Everyone that paid for a ticket to see Bound For Glory in person, or who paid to watch Bound For Glory on pay-per-view, was just slapped directly across the face by the company. Damn near everyone I've talked to that went in person or who ordered it at home did so because of Bobby Roode. They wanted to see Roode become the World Champion. Their money went straight down the tubes. (Tubes? What tubes? We don't have tube one. We are essentially tubeless.) Then, on top of that, a World Title change was given away on free television, in either one or three minutes, and to a completely different person.
This is just frustrating to me. It's not the worst move that TNA has ever made, but it isn't the best move that TNA has made, either. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose I don't really mind that James Storm is the new World Champion, but holy shit, I wish the company would have been smarter in finding a way to make that happen. There will be a ratings spike for this week's episode, without a doubt. People will read the spoilers and want to see it go down, but we can't trust TNA to keep those extra fans tuned in for beyond this week, can we? Hell, I'm half-expecting Storm to drop the title to someone at the very next set of Impact tapings, and knowing the way TNA operates, it'll be to Kurt Angle again. We shall see. Like I said, it's just frustrating.. even when TNA decides to finally do something "right", they fuck it up and do it "wrong".
The HiPE Playlist: "The Program" by Termanology, Slaine & Powda.. "Dead On Arrival" by Young Chris.. "Cocoa Butter" by Action Bronson & Nina Sky.. "Wishin" by Rittz.. "Parking Lot" by Pill & Twista.. "Ready" by Terrace Martin & Brittany Barber.. "South Central Blues" by Slim The Mobster.. "Turn It Up" by Freeway.. "Beautiful" by Talib Kweli, Big K.R.I.T., Outasight & Mela Machinko.. "Make My" by The Roots & Big K.R.I.T.
There's no such thing as good news until I've had my Grape Nuts.
------------------------Day 657Dumbass ho..
*By Request*
As is the case every year, I get requests for WrestleMania-related columns all throughout the year. As soon as WrestleMania ends, people are already asking me about the next year's event. One of the most requested columns, of course, is to predict the next year's WrestleMania card, long before matches begin getting booked. We already have a match booked for WrestleMania 28, but people are still requesting the column nonetheless. I've already done a prediction column for WrestleMania 28, for goodness sake, but the requests remain. I'm going to use a catch that someone gave me, though. In this column, I'll be predicting WrestleMania 28's card, but only using people that are currently under some sort of contract with World Wrestling Entertainment. It could be a main roster talent, someone currently working in FCW or someone under a Legends contract. That means I can't bring in TNA talents who I predict will "jump ship" between now and then. That means I can't have any more indy talents sign between now and then. That means I can't bring Chris Jericho back for any sort of match at all. That just adds to the difficulty, but that's fine. Alright, no more wasting time. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!
Let's get things started with the Divas Title, just because. While it's almost impossible to figure things out when it comes to how WWE handles the Divas division, you have to assume that Beth Phoenix could very well be in line for a lengthy title reign here. There just aren't that many legit and logical challengers for her right now, unless the company wants to go back to people that either get no crowd response or perform horribly in the ring.. which they could very well be set to do soon. For the sake of my own sanity, though, I'm going to give Beth a good title reign and have her as the champion going into WrestleMania. As for who should be the challenger, it's someone that isn't being used anywhere near to their potential. It's someone that can outwork most female wrestlers alive today. It's someone who is closer to Beth than anyone else on the roster right now. Yes, I'm referring to Natalya. I think I'll end up predicting this match at WrestleMania every year until it actually happens. As is the case with any team in the world of wrestling, there's going to be some sort of tension written into a storyline, and you'll see the team split up. In this scenario, I'd look for Beth to become more and more arrogant as her title reign gets longer. She'll probably start using Natalya more to help her keep the title, and will probably start ordering her around in the process. After a while, Natalya gets sick of being mistreated and realizes that she's being used. It builds and builds until she can't take it anymore, and she turns face by finally fighting back and going after Beth. It writes itself.
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
WrestleMania 27 featured the WWE Title and the World Title defended on the card. That's it. No other titles. The United States Title was defended in the event's dark match, but having only two title matches on a show with eight total matches is a sad statement. I think that will be a little different next year. I'm not saying that every title will be on the line, making it Night Of Champions on a grander stage, but this next match will be the second title match I have listed. It seems pretty clear that the Intercontinental Title will be getting some sort of extra focus in the coming months. Cody Rhodes, as the man who currently holds the title, is being pushed into the main event scene, and has brought back the old design of the title, back when the Intercontinental Title really meant a lot in the world of wrestling. The United States Title, on the other hand, has meant next to nothing for a while now, with current champion Dolph Ziggler being in more tag team matches recently than anything else. His title has taken a backseat to his interactions with Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger, which is a shame. At this point, there's no use in having both titles floating around. The company can do a lot with one major midcard champion, allowing him to go from show to show and to feud with new challengers. The question is.. will Cody and Dolph hold the titles that long? I don't think there's a chance that Dolph keeps the title until WrestleMania, but I do think that he wins the title back, at least once, between now and then, and will have it going into April. Cody is in an interesting situation because people actually can picture him retaining the title for that long. If he does, it will make him the longest-reigning Intercontinental Champion since Shelton Benjamin won the belt on October 19th, 2004 and lost it on June 20th, 2005. Call me crazy, but I think we could be looking at a Heel VS Heel unification match. *Kanye shrug*
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
I had to take a bit of a leap of faith with the last prediction, and I have to take another one for this match. We've already seen the rumors of the company trying to break a world record for most people wearing masks in a single setting. The original plan was for Rey Mysterio to face Sin Cara. When Mysterio had to sit on the shelf after knee surgery, the talk switched to a possible Sin Cara VS Sin Cara match. However, the dos Caras (GET IT?!?!?) feud won't last that long. It remains uncertain whether or not Mysterio will return in time to compete at WrestleMania, but it still remains his goal. I'll play the optimist here and say that he'll be able to return for what will probably be his final WrestleMania (he's about to be 37 and clearly has much more wear and tear on his body than the normal 37-year-old wrestler does). Going with the original plan of Mysterio VS Sin Cara at WrestleMania will allow the company to break that oh-so-special record they want, and will even allow for Sin Cara to be built up nicely, feuding with the one person on the WWE roster that could make him look better than anyone else possibly could. Hooray for the positive things in life. For added intrigue, they could even make it a Mask VS Mask match, which could be the end of either man's tenure with the company, if need be.
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
Rey Mysterio VS Sin Cara
Mainstream publicity. The wrestling world craves it. Most wrestling fans hate how companies go about achieving it. It's something we've come to expect from events like WrestleMania, and I don't think WrestleMania 28 will be any different. This was a match that was rumored for a bit at the beginning of the year, and it makes sense. These two have history together, going back to 2009, when the Raw Guest Host gimmick was in full effect. In one corner, we have Big Show, who doesn't necessarily have a bunch of big feuds left in his career. He'd be good in a "special attraction" role at this point. He's already done it once in his career, facing Floyd Mayweather at WrestleMania 24, but this one could be even bigger, both literally and figuratively. I take you back to August of 2009, when none other than Shaquille O'Neal was hosting Raw and confronted the JeriShow tag team. We got some physicality between Shaq and Show, and that's when everyone started thinking Shaq could legitimately do this when he retired from the NBA. Well, guess what? He has retired from the NBA, and since then, the rumors have continued on. Shaq has been one of the biggest athletes (again, literally and figuratively) on the planet over the last 20 years, which would certainly guarantee some of that.. yes.. mainstream publicity if he were to actually step foot into a wrestling ring to perform. He brought plenty of mainstream publicity to the company just by hosting Raw and getting into a brief skirmish with Big Show during the episode. Imagine how much he'd get if he were to actually wrestle at the largest event of the year. It's just something that makes sense for the company, even if they have to turn Big Show heel again. Technically, they might not even have to. He can just be himself, and Shaq can be himself. The crowd will make their own decisions, and things will go from there.
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
Rey Mysterio VS Sin Cara
Big Show VS Shaquille O'Neal
Next up, we have one of the show's main events, but one that will undoubtedly be earlier in the card if it takes place. If you've paid any attention to my columns in the last month or so, this match would be no surprise to you. I've already laid out the way that the company should book it to happen, months in advance. We have the current World Champion, Mark Henry, absolutely tearing things up right now, and with Smackdown's ratings being up, up, up since he won the title (just saying that he's a contributing factor, not that he's the reason for the ratings spike), it would damn sure behoove the company to do as I said in my column and keep the title on Henry, making him look stronger and stronger in the process. Ready for another leap of faith? I am. Daniel Bryan, who hasn't wrestled a singles match on television since last month (and hasn't won a singles match clean on television in two months), is still in possession of a World Title shot, thanks to his Money In The Bank victory. He said he's going to cash in at WrestleMania, and eventually, they'll start building him up for just that. Sure, it'll start happening much later than most people would like, but as long as it happens, people won't complain too much. There's not really a lot to talk about here, because I've already done an entire column on it, but again, if done correctly, Henry defending the World Title against Daniel Bryan could do major business for the company. I'm just saying. I have had a strange feeling about Randy Orton being thrown into the match, as well, making it a Triple Threat, and with the rest of the card shaking down the way it is, it's the best possible option to get Orton on the card. Sure, some people would love seeing WrestleMania without Randy Orton, but let's be real.. if he's healthy, he's on the card, and he's in a marquee match at that.
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
Rey Mysterio VS Sin Cara
Big Show VS Shaquille O'Neal
Mark Henry VS Daniel Bryan VS Randy Orton in a Triple Threat Match for the World Title
What's that? Another leap of faith? Sure, why not? When you think of WrestleMania these days, you think of The Undertaker. His undefeated streak is almost seen as being larger than the event itself. The question remains if he'll wrestle at WrestleMania 28. He's getting older, and his body is breaking down, but if he keeps getting the time off that he gets (he hasn't wrestled since WrestleMania 27, which was his first match in over five months, and if he does return, he probably won't wrestle more than a match before the event), it raises the chances of him performing again. At 19-0, Taker's streak is incredibly impressive, but the march towards "20" might be too attractive for everyone involved to ignore. With the catch that I'm working with in this column, that eliminates three of the top rumored names for a potential opponent that Taker could face at WrestleMania. It removed Chris Jericho, Mick Foley and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin from contention. When you look at the current WWE roster, there aren't a lot of names that could make for an entertaining match with an aging Taker. However, there is one name that continues to be built up very well, and who I recently referred to as one of the top overall workers in the entire company right now, able to step into the ring with any opponent of any in-ring style and pull off a good match. This person even gave us an entertaining match with The Great Khali, of all people. Of course, I'm referring to none other than "Great White" himself, Sheamus. If Sheamus can work with Khali and make it a fun match, he damn sure can work with Taker and give us something fun to watch. Sheamus is also a big enough name to be viewed as a legit threat to Taker's streak. I'm a fan of Chris Jericho, but he isn't as big of a threat to the streak as Sheamus would be. He just isn't. The story can be simple enough.. Sheamus is big and bad, and he wants to prove himself by facing the "biggest" and the "baddest" at WrestleMania. Again, it just makes sense to me.
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
Rey Mysterio VS Sin Cara
Big Show VS Shaquille O'Neal
Mark Henry VS Daniel Bryan for the World Title
The Undertaker VS Sheamus
This next match isn't going in this spot because it belongs this high up on the card, ahead of the World Title match or The Undertaker's participation. It's going in this spot because I've been trying to think of a spot for these guys, but couldn't until now. It seems like every WrestleMania has some sort of a multi-man tag match that is thrown together as an excuse to get a bunch of people on the card without having actual storylines for them. I don't think this will be any different. Let's just take random names.. on the face side, we'll go with Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, John Morrison and Zack Ryder. On the heel side, let's go with The Miz, R-Truth, Christian and Wade Bar-ruh. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't even have to start making sense. Like I said, it's just a randomly thrown together multi-man tag match, which is used as an excuse for several talents to get a WrestleMania pay day without having to make multiple matches and multiple storylines.
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
Rey Mysterio VS Sin Cara
Big Show VS Shaquille O'Neal
Mark Henry VS Daniel Bryan for the World Title
The Undertaker VS Sheamus
Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, John Morrison & Zack Ryder VS The Miz, R-Truth, Christian & Wade Bar-ruh
The WWE Title scene is weak. I'm sure I don't need to point that out to most of you, but I did, anyway. As proof of how weak it is, every single person that is doing any sort of WrestleMania 28 predictions has the WWE Title match listed as something that could be taking place right now, which says a lot about how little faith people have in anything being changed between now and then. We'll be dealing with the same two-to-four people feuding with each other every month between now and then, and I can't really say that I disagree with that too much. It's with that line of thinking that I came up with my choice for the WWE Title match here.. two men already involved in the current WWE Title picture, and who have faced each other on multiple occasions in the last few months, including main eventing pay-per-views with each other. It's a match that I don't even really want to see, but again, what else can you do when you've been dealt a certain hand of cards? CM Punk. Alberto Del Rrrrrio. WWE Title. Hooray.
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
Rey Mysterio VS Sin Cara
Big Show VS Shaquille O'Neal
Mark Henry VS Daniel Bryan for the World Title
The Undertaker VS Sheamus
Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, John Morrison & Zack Ryder VS The Miz, R-Truth, Christian & Wade Bar-ruh
CM Punk VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio for the WWE Title
The night's main event will, of course, be John Cena VS The Rock. Everyone knows that, and nobody will be surprised when it goes on last, even after the WWE Title match, the World Title match and The Undertaker's match. That gives WrestleMania 28 a total of nine matches, which is a mighty fine total for WrestleMania, even with an extra hour on pay-per-view to work with. Even though I'm the one that came up with the card, I can't say that it's the best thing since sliced bread. I think it has an incredible amount of potential, and should be very good, but there are definitely better "dream cards" out there. Again, part of that has to do with the "only currently contracted talent" catch I had to work with, and part of it has to do with how much of a mess half the WWE is at the moment. Here it is, though.. my final WrestleMania 28 card, on October 19th, 2011..
Beth Phoenix VS Natalya for the Divas Title
Dolph Ziggler VS Cody Rhodes to unify the United States & Intercontinental Titles
Rey Mysterio VS Sin Cara
Big Show VS Shaquille O'Neal
Mark Henry VS Daniel Bryan for the World Title
The Undertaker VS Sheamus
Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, John Morrison & Zack Ryder VS The Miz, R-Truth, Christian & Wade Bar-ruh
CM Punk VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio for the WWE Title
John Cena VS The Rock
The HiPE Playlist: "What Kind Of Man Would I Be" by Chicago.. "Will You Still Love Me" by Chicago.. "You're The Inspiration" by Chicago.. "Hard Habit To Break" by Chicago.. "Love Me Tomorrow" by Chicago.. "Hard To Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago.. "Baby, What A Big Surprise" by Chicago.. "Let's Groove" by Earth, Wind & Fire.. "After The Love Has Gone" by Earth, Wind & Fire.. "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire.. "Fantasy" by Earth, Wind & Fire.. "Open Arms" by Journey.. "Faithfully" by Journey.. "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac.. "Africa" by Toto
When did you start jogging?
I'm in training, brah.
Did he just say he's in a training bra?
