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It's Time To Play The Game!
Chapter 34 - In Which We Make Our Triumphant Return, No Game Actually Gets Played and Joe Takes a Swing at CM Punk

(It's back! Yay! A preface before we go on, and I promise to keep it short and disappointing. I'm gonna start doing ITTPTG after this regularly again. So rejoice. It will however be cut down to one day a week. Sorry, I just can't keep up with quality output when I'm pushing it out in a two day period. I'm a slow writer, sue me. I have yet to decide on a day. Monday or Friday. Probably Monday. So there's that.

For myself, I will also be doing occasional other columns that aren't ITTPTG like some of the work I posted before. Maybe even some relatively normal one. Dunno,I need some variety so I don't burn out again. So get ready for that shit.

That's all friends. Enjoy what I have for you today and look forward for the next part where we will, assumedly, get back into actually playing the game.)

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The scene, the crusty white wall of a local Wal-mart. Somewhere in the teeming mass of unwashed mouth breathers, amidst sweat-drenched shirts sporting slogans such as “Best in the World” or “Summer of Punk” and slightly to the left of a man who may have confused this for the place where McDonald’s siphons off its grease trap, are five figures we know well by now.

MissouriDragon: How in the live-long fuck’d you convince me to surround myself with manchildren long enough to meet someone I don’t even like? It’s like I’m in a forest of parent’s disappointments. I’m almost certain that dude in front of us is posting online right now giving this line a star rating.

Cold: Shouldn’t talk about Oni like that. He got feelings too.

OniBarubary: Don’t worry, most of them aren’t real. And to answer your question, Missou, because I willed it so. I’m like that kid from that Twilight Zone episode, except I’m dragging you to CM Punk fan gatherings and not putting you inside TVs or turning you into jack-in-the-boxes.

Missou: I’d prefer the latter.

Hustle: Explains why I’m here.

Oni: But you like Punk.

Hustle: I’m not devoted enough to fly 10,000 miles to New York just to tell him “I like you about 70% as much as Cena” Plus I’d rather stay in beautiful Hawaii than roast in a parking lot that smells like civilization dying. Is that woman wearing two pairs of overalls?

Uncle Joe: I could cram an apple in your mouth, shove a pen up your ass and burn you with a lighter if it’ll help.

Hustle: Appreciated, but you can save shoving shit up guys asses for later tonight when I ain’t around.

Joe: Just trying to make you feel at home. And while on the subject, why the fuck am I here and not at home?

Cold: Cause you live in New York.

Joe: Not good enough.

Cold: Cause this Wal-mart is across the street from your apartment.

Joe: No it isn’t.

Oni: Yes, it really is.

Oni extends a solitary finger to indicate a small brick building that lies a stones throw away from them

Joe: That’s not across the street. There’s a whole parking lot between us. A big one.

Cold: It’s still Wal-mart property. It counts.

Joe: No it doesn’t. Besides, it’s not across the street, it’s on a diagonal.

Oni: There’s a street between us and your apartment. If we soldiered across it, we’d reach your apartment. If we made the return voyage back, we’d wind up where we started. At this Wal-mart. Why am I arguing this with you? Why do you make me infinitely sad?

Joe: Still don’t answer why I’m here. I don’t even like Punk.

Missou: Thank you.

Cold: Cause after you masturbate you got 3 hours to kill before you do it again and ain’t got anything else planned.

Joe: I could not be here. Fluffing every couple minutes to check if I’m ready for another round seems like a better use of my time.

Oni: And miss all this bomb-ass pussy?

Hustle: Please never say that again.

Joe: This is a fucking line for Punk outside a Wal-mart, ain’t any pussy here that don’t have a Hatchet tattoo over it. This ain’t the fucking line for Cena. Now that line’d have some smoking tail.

Oni: You’re right, there would be a lot more children.

Cold: Ima turn you both in right now. Gotta be a cop around here somewhere.

Hustle: It’s a gathering for people who watch a television program where white dudes regularly beat up black guys. I’m sure the policeman demographic of the WWE Universe is nothing to scoff at.

Oni: Nigga please.

Missou: We’re in public. You probably shouldn’t say that.

Cold: We’re at a Wal-mart. He’ll just get applause.

Oni: That’s no fair. Cold can say it. Why’s he get a free pass?

Missou: You ever looked at him?

Oni: Longingly, every so often.

Hustle: Cold’s got some blood in him and is poor.

Oni: Us white people don’t have it so easy either.

Hustle: You are the worst person I know. And I don’t mean “know” as in “know personally” but I mean “know” as in “am aware of the existence of.” That includes fake people and Nazis. And to turn the question back on you, why the fuck are you and Cold here? All you motherfuckers have been doing for the past couple months is whine about Punk.

Oni: These colors don’t run.

Hustle: English motherfucker, do you speak it?

Missou: That’s as English as it gets. Er, American. Whatever.

Cold: We don’t hate the guy now or nothin’. He’s still great. His angle just took a turd nap a bit too quick.

Hustle: Fuck outta here with that. You’re both just pissed he lost to Haitch.

Oni: Or it could be, y’know, the complete decimation of my interest due to an HHH Injection right into my left asscheek. I don’t even care if it’s on purpose or not, I just know that as soon as Trips felt the need to put himself in the hottest storyline they’ve done in a fucking coon’s age-

Hustle: Oh c’mon, you just cribbed that from Wild Wild West.

Oni: Joke’s on you, you’ve seen it too.

Hustle: Ugh. Yes. It is.

Missou: I’m sticking around after we meet him; that dude behind us is wearin’ an Attack Attack t-shirt. Punk might smash his Pepsi bottle and shiv the dude.

Oni: Meanwhile, I don’t care the cause; all I know is that Punk’s promos have gotten held back and stale, sometimes childish, and have lost any sort of burn to them or truth or anything that made his original turn so interesting. And it’s not a matter of repeating the same shit, cause I’d be ecstatic if he was. Or if he was giving anything other than stunted and often lackluster promos. There’s something to be said for being unable to keep that level of promo, which would be an understandable reason, and the tangible feel that something is preventing him from running away and being amazing. Which is all the more frustrating, cause it’s not like his promos are abhorrent or anything. They’re just…okay. It’s like Against Me!. They’re first couple albums are all throaty proclamations about political discord and all punky and whatever, and they don’t even have an electric guitar. And then they signed to Fat Wreck and all of a sudden you can literally HEAR the conviction completely gone from his voice. He doesn’t believe a fucking thing he’s singing any more and it breaks my goddam musical heart to hear someone I enjoyed so much just give up.

Missou: So you’re saying Punk sold out?

Oni: Ugh, no. I hate that term. I’m using it as a measure of comparison; before a certain point, let’s call it point A, Punk and Against Me! were passionate and interesting. And after Point A, they were not. I don’t care what caused Point A, I only care about the result after. To sum up, the angle has gone downhill. I don’t know what reason it is, though I could certainly create a fucking pie chart if you asked me to-

Hustle: I won’t. This column keeps pretty visual free and I don’t want you taking a week to complain how doing a graphic for it drained the life out of you and you have to take a sabbatical to the mountains, leaving behind creative excrement, like sweat that dripped off you from not trying so damn hard.

Oni: Harsh. I could go on and on about it, but I won’t. Suffice to say, whatever the cause, Punk has lost any sort of fire and Haitch made this shit uninteresting. The angle’s about everything else than what it should be about and I just can’t keep my interest piqued.

Hustle: Or maybe you could give it some time to let the story build and have some patience for once instead of needing instant gratification.

Cold: You’re right, I should let that dude rape me for a bit longer before I decide whether I like it or not.

Oni: Cold has a very decent point.

Hustle: Please tell me this is going somewhere else.

Oni: It’s not about rape.

Hustle: Phew.

Joe: Drat.

Hustle: I’m still keepin’ an eye out for boys in blue, yo.

Joe: Whatever, I listened to NWA, I ain’t afraid of pigs.

Cold: I meant, yo, that I shouldn’t have to wait for something to get good. It ain’t impatience. A good angle should just be good. If it turns good then cool, but if it starts out shit don’t be surprised when I lose interest in it. Shouldn’t have to wait for something to get good when there are perfectly good angles out there that are like that the whole way through. Why focus on the one that kills your interest because of potential down the road? It’s still gonna have a shit intro no matter how great it gets. Don’t make any sense.

Missou: Line’s moving. They got a gun aisle, right? Feel the need to Wyatt Earp someone right now.

The crowd begins to shuffle along, leaving a trail of discarded Cheetos bags and crushed cigarettes behind like some kind of white trash slug

Hustle: You may have a point there.

Missou: Can’t fault someone for their personal tastes if it’s heading South after moving North the whole time.

Hustle: You can’t just say it’s a bad angle because it’s changed directions from what you wanted. That’s down to taste and not whether the angle is good or bad or whatever.

Oni: I dunno about that. The whole point of an angle is to get people interested and if it’s turning some off…well, I can’t say it’s really a good or interesting angle anymore. If it fails to garner interest or loses the interest of some of the audience then it’s pretty much failed right there.

Hustle: And if WWE isn’t aiming for the audience that is getting turned off?

Oni: Hrm. Harder to say.

Cold: Not really. Think of kid’s movies like Disney or Pixar or whatever. They’re aimed at kids but are good enough that adults can enjoy them too. That’s why they’re good movies and not just flashing colors on the screen to hypnotize brats.

Joe: You’re just trying to defend your love of cartoons.

Cold: Actually I was trying to help Oni out so less people would move to call an employee when we pass the toy aisle.

Oni: Appreciated.

Missou: Lemme help you out for a sec, Hus.

Oni: Huss huss!

Missou: Quit that. I can still grab a knife from the cutlery section. Anyways, look at it like this man; a good angle is a good angle. How many of y’all ever had an interest in Henry before his ECW run?

Cold: Got an interest in this AC. Think I lost ten pounds somewhere in front of the store.

Oni: Hell no.

Hustle: I guess not much.

Joe: Every day and twice on weekends.

Missou: And yet he showed something great that could even make guys like you stand up and take notice. Or sit up straighter and take notice. Or put down the ham sandwich and stop chewing for a bit.

Hustle: I’m not that fucking fat you enormous chode wranglers.

Missou: Anyways, Henry’s got this ballin’ run he’s built up to and even Oni and Joe, racist motherfuckers though they are-

Oni: I’m not racist, I’m just ignant.

Missou: Noted. With these two saps being who they are, they still are loving Henry.

Joe: Cause Henry is fucking amazing. Best thing on Smackdown right now.

In front of them by the sporting goods, a skinny and pale tween with white scotch tape wrapped about his wrists has been listening intermittently and turns at this moment to address the collective

Random CM Punk Aficianado: Henry blows big time. How can you say he’s the best thing on Smackdown when Bryan Danielson is still there? And Mistico brings real lucha to WWE, thank god, unlike Rey Mysterio.

Missou: Excuse me, sunshine, who the fuck said “I wonder what the greasy, no-pubed, plucked chicken in front of us thinks” eh? Did you hear us mutter “Well, with all this intelligent discussion going on twixt like-minded individuals, perhaps we should ask the king of us all, his Holy Royal Eminence Sir Wouldn’t Know Lucha If Black Terry Stomped His Face Into a Fucking Gutter” ? No, you didn’t? Then turn the fuck around and let the adults talk. Soon as you watch some Dr. Death matches you can stick your big toe in the grown-ups pool.

The child-boy turns back around, face red from either embarassment, anger or a troubling skin rash from an allergic reaction to shame

Hustle: Harsh.

Joe: Fuck that kid. If he thinks Mistico is real lucha I got a Puerto-Rican with a knife for him to meet.

Oni: You?

Joe: Yeah, me.

Missou: Shit, did we pass the cutlery aisle without me noticing? Dammit.

Hustle: This seems like the kind of elitist attitude people complain about smarks having.

Joe: People confuse elitism with standards or taste. It’s easier to say someone’s just snobby then it is to admit they know more than you fucking do.

Oni: I can’t really support the championing of ignorance either. It’s fine to be uninformed on something, but don’t think that gives you ground to stand on in a discussion you have no place being in.

Hustle: Fine fine. I won’t get into it. I know you guys get huffy about flexing your wrestling boners.

Oni: To get back to the original point, before we were so rudely interrupted, let’s try another example.

Hustle: Sure, not like I have anything better to do, trapped here.

Oni: You listen and you like it! Let’s take an anecdotal example about yours truly. I think we can all agree that Orton and Christian had some pretty stellar matches as of late. Or at least good to great.

Joe: When he’s not making an awful orgasm face before dislocating his shoulder punching the mat.

Oni: See? Even Joe, in his own way, agrees. But at the same time, I’ve had next to no interest in the angle. Because Christian isn’t face.

Missou: You’re hanging yourself on this one, boyo. I’m out of it.

Cold: Same. We’re gettin’ forward in line and I don’t wanna be discussin’ this shit in front of Punk and sound like a fuckin’ smark.

Oni: But you are a smark.

Cold: He don’t need to know that shit.

Oni: Lemme continue and then we can all preen and present our willing asses to Punk, alright?

Hustle: Why does it always come back to this with you guys?

Oni: So we get this feel good moment and Christian becomes champ! Yay! Good feelings for Oni! Everything is coming up Milhouse! One of my favorite wrestlers can now be involved in lengthy storylines, get decent promo time and have matches that last longer than the amount of time it takes Missou to trash any music that isn’t sung in a gruff voice by a guy with a beard.

Missou: Unfair. I also hate guys with bears who sing music too gruffly. Trying too hard.

Oni: I’ll keep it in mind. So Christian wins, I am filled to the brim with outpouring emotions. I am the frothy head on your favorite beer, tipping over the lip of the glass. And what happens not five days later? My feet are literally swept out from under me. Now normally I would not be entirely against this, as it’s a very oft used device to evoke emotion from people. But it has to be done right. It has to be done to create interest. And this did not for reasons I will get into in a moment. If I like apples and you give me the most delicious red apple I’ve ever seen, then right before I bite into it you go “Whoa, waitaminute. Can’t let you do that” and pull it away to replace it with a juicy peach, won’t I be disappointed? It’s still a nice and tasty peach, I’d imagine but I don’t want a fucking peach, I want an apple.

Hustle: This still sounds like “They didn’t book how I wanted them to, thus it is bad booking” which is really fucking whiny.

Oni: Then maybe I’m not explaining myself well. The execution failed. They could’ve kept me going on if they didn’t let things play out how they did. And I don’t see a particularly good reason why they didn’t. Have the ratings been sky-rocketing through the roof with Orton as champ? Did Christian’s involvement in the main event kill buys or merch sales? Is there anything that can actually be linked to this from a business or fan standpoint?

Cold: That kinda shit’s hard to prove dude.

Oni: I’m just saying, that like our Pixar movies above and whatever they could’ve handled it in a way that made it approachable for all walks of life. You’ll always get the side-men who will complain about it, but they’re outliers. There was a pretty large contingent (relatively speaking) that was displeased with this and the direction the storyline went in. And as we stated above, if you lose someone because of an angle than it’s not really doing it’s job, is it? Sure you kept the people who will watch regardless, the Orton likers, the Christian haters, the people who (in their eyes) found the sudden loss an interesting direction to take or whatever else I can make up. But you lost some people who were looking for a Christian face run, not a cowardly heel “can never match up to Orton” run. Good though his work may be, it’s not what we want. So can you really consider it a great angle if it curtails a group of people from it? It’s not like…a Toy Story or The Incredibles. It’s Cars.

Hustle: Let’s not say things we can’t take back. I kinda get your point though.

Joe: Still a whiny bitch.

Hustle: Well yes, that was never up for discussion. You still whine like a rich white kid finding out he’s going to Vermont instead of the Hamptons.

Missou: But father, it is ever so dreadful in the 2nd vacation home we have. My room doesn’t have it’s own butler. A bloo bloo bloo.

Oni: Hilarity. Whatever. I still think it’s a valid point. If WWE alters a storyline and make it go off in a direction that loses you, it’s failed for all intents and purposes. You can only judge yourself, you can’t judge what others perceive, so it’s stupid to think about it like others from their point of view. You don’t watch for them, you watch for you.

Missou: Yeah yeah, you’ve already used enough big words and cried your share. I think I see our savior in front of us. Your savior.

Joe: Savior from what, exactly? Bad angles? Cause he certainly isn’t doing that right now.

Hustle: What about Joe? You’ve been suspiciously, and disconcertingly, quiet. Let’s hear what you have to say.

Joe: The Punk angle blows and did since day uno. Miz and Truth got the hook up now.

Hustle: Let’s ignore what Joe has to say.

Joe: Hater. Every Miz and Truth interaction is like a flowery lady fart in the noxious swamp ass of Haitch’s mouth opening.

Within a few more feet sits the man they’re here to meet at a folded table, rife with WWE logos and memorabilia. Only a few bodies (including one now hunched shouldered, brooding teen) stand betwixt them

Hustle: It’s not that bad.

Cold: It’s pretty bad.

Missou: Moxley and Regal got an FCW feud brewing that is about 20 times more interesting with about 40x better wrestling to come.

Oni: I’d rather let Chyna clit-slap me than follow this angle.

Joe: I’d rather watch Chyna clit-slap Oni than ever watch Punk wrestle again.

Hustle: Sometimes I think you guys are just fucking with me. And then I come to my senses and realize you always are.

Oni: We’ll continue this later after I pretend you guys aren’t with me. Got two more people to go.

And indeed, with two more to go they soon will arrive in front of CM Punk. The young kid immediately before them whispers something to Punk that sounds suspiciously like “Careful, those guys are assholes” before it is Oni’s turn to stand in front of the Punker. He places a DVD case in front of Punk, who looks at it with some mild amusement, seeing his own face and Samoa Joe’s on the cover. On an unrelated note, a number of cops and guards flank Punk on either side

Oni: Hey Punk, it’s real great to meet you. It’s just awesome seeing someone wrestle in front of dank gyms with 15 people and then see them years later wrestle in front of thousands. I can remember-

Joe: That table got a front? Cause you could all save us some time and blow him under it right now while everyone else gets their turn.

Missou: Stuff the sucking up, I could be watching old Terry Gordy matches.

CM Punk: Great friends you have.

Oni: I mostly stick around them to make myself seem handsomer by comparison.

CM Punk: Does it work?

Oni: You see me here with any girls?

CM Punk: Well, keep watching, man. Nice to see fans who have stuck around through all my days. Thanks for coming.

Oni and Punk shake hands before he is almost barreled out of the way by a rampaging Joe, who has edge past Missou, Cold and Hustle somewhere along the way

Joe: One side, Doogie, this ain’t a Dan Severn signing, you ain’t got anything important to say.

Joe slams his hands down on the table in front of Punk

Joe: Motherfucker, stop shitting up the main event scene! I blame you, personally, for taking the focus off of Miz and playing this bullshit whiny faggot character! Maybe if you were as good as Cena or Henry you’d get a title and not some gay storyline where Haitch presses you slowly down with his thumb!

Punk raises his hands and chuckles a little

CM Punk: Ha ha, hey now. Miz is-

Hustle: Joe, pretend to be a decent human for like, one second.

Missou: Minor Threat sucks!

Hustle: Well shit.

Oni: Goddammit guys!

CM Punk: Alright, can we get these guys outta here-

Joe: Give it a couple months and I’ll bet your entire moveset becomes borrowed moves. Any other dead wrestlers you wanna absord the souls of?

CM Punk: Get the fuck outta here, you little shit, before I roll your chubby ass through the glass doors!

Joe: You fuckin’ try it, I’m related to Invader #1!

In one slow and over-done motion, Joe swings for the fences and misses; his fist breezes past Punk’s nose within inches. That’s all he gets though as in a second guards and pigs are on him and dragging him from the table. Though four is more than enough for him, the other guards advance on the rest of our party. Missou eyes them as if to say “Try me” before Hustle raises his hands in defeat and sighs the deep sigh of a man who has lost all hope. He grabs Missou’s arm and pulls him alongside towards the exit as Oni struggles with a guard, trying to get a word in edge-wise at Punk

Oni: Punk, ignore them! You’re still awesome! Even though this storyline does kinda blow and your promos haven’t really-

CM Punk: Out! Get them out!

Oni: It was great meeting you!

Outside, Hustle sits on the curb with his head in his hands while Joe talks shit at the retreating guards. Missou seems non-plussed, looking around aimlessly

Oni: Dammit Joe, what the fuck. Like, seriously, what the fuck.

Joe: Meh. Got bored.

Oni: You don’t even hate Punk, do you?

Joe: I don’t recall ever saying I did.

Oni: You thunderous waffle-cunt. I swear to God.

Hustle: (muffled) You sound surprised.

Missou: Sorry you couldn’t meet him, Hus.

Hustle: You guys could’ve waited to be yourselves until after he signed my shirt, you know.

Joe: I’ll keep it in mind for next time.

Cold emerges from the front of the store, carrying a shirt and picture to the eyes of those with dawning realization

Missou: The fuck? How’d you avoid getting the boot?

Cold: Bout the time Joe took his first step I took three back. Didn’t know I was with you guys. Got a shirt and Polaroid with him.

Hustle: Wish I was quicker on the draw like that.

Oni: Well, this was an unmitigated disaster. Which seems to happen any time I go anywhere with you guys.

Missou: You can’t blame us for this one.

Oni: Yes I can. I can specifically blame you, in fact. I can implicate you explicitly for ruining this shit.

Missou: Well next field trip, let’s meet someone I give a fuck about. Like Lawler. And by meet him, I mean get three sheets and talk about his matches in some dive bar.

Hustle: Ugh. I feel like I need a drink after this.

Cold: I know a place. We can get some greasy bar food and watch Hustle drown his sorrows in light beer.

Hustle rises from his perch and surrenders to the idea

Hustle: Why not. Just don’t slip me a roofie, I don’t trust any of y’all after this day.

Missou: Probably for the better.

E-mail me at: OniBarubary@gmail.com

Source: lordsofpain.net